OK Alice where do we go from here?

[SuzanneBender]

Girls I am about to give up my hard earned reputation on this site as a well put together TG gal.

I thought I had the answer but lately the pink fog is really starting to overtake my life. I find the threads concerning crossdresser vs. transsexuals very interesting because I can't tell you where I belong on the spectrum, but I feel that I am sliding down the rabbit hole with a TS Alice.

I hid being transgendered for years from a wonderful and supportive wife. She has accepted the dressing as a part of the man she loves, but early on we set some boundaries. The most important boundary being that if it went farther than dressing we wouldn't be married. For the past couple of years I was satisfied with this arrangement. Then came SCC and I met some incredible ladies there that had transitioned and were leading wonderful lives and were wonderful parents despite all of the challenges. A flood of feelings and regrets overwhelmed me as well as the nagging knowledge that there could be more. Now being Suzanne part time doesn't feel right.

More and more I feel like I am crossdressed when in Male mode. When I was young I went to bed every night wishing and praying that I would wake up female. I now find myself going to bed with those same wishes and I feel so guilty like I am letting my wife and my kids down.

I posted a couple of days ago about my wife coming home and finding me sick with the flu and dressed. She said she wasn't upset but last night it spawned the question from her, "do you want more?” I spoke from the heart and told her yes, but I am not sure at what cost. Being the wonderful woman she is she gave me a big hug with tears in her eyes and said she will always be there for me either as a wife or a friend. All I could do is hug her back and tell her that I will always love her no matter what should become of us and that I will not make any decisions without lots of reflection and discussion.

I shared this with my therapist this morning and she told me that I have some tough decisions ahead of me. I am paying a $150.00 and hour for advice like that? Where was the "go for it girl" or "are you nuts"? I am a psychologist and although I am not a clinician I do understand that counseling consists of lots of little steps of guided self discovery, but there are times that I feel I would be better off with a magic eight ball.

[SIZE=3]I am not sure what I am asking for here. I guess I just needed to vent to others that have or may be wrestling with the same issues and maybe I am just looking for a cyber hug or two as I wrestle with this. I wouldn't trade who I am for anything, but sometimes I have to wonder why God picked girls like us to carry burdens like this.[/SIZE]

[DiannaRose]

Suzanne, we love you. You know that. I wish there was a simple button-press answer for why God brings us through the fire, but there never is. The thing I always have to remind myself is that He brings us through the fire, not just into it.

I strongly suspect I'm going to find myself in your boat sooner than I'd like. It sucks not knowing how things are going to turn out if we choose X vs. Y, but we just never know. My wife calls it "unknowable consequences"...you make a choice, saying "I can and will accept the consequences", but then find the consequences so much worse than you ever thought they could be. I think a lot of us here can relate.

No answers here, just lots of sympathy, lots of hugs and lots of prayers. Please keep us posted, and if you need a private ear, I have two of them.

[KateW]

I honestly don't see it as a burden but a blessing. We get to experience both sides of the coin that many never explore.

Regarding your actual issue though, it really depends on if you feel more strongly about your gender or your marriage.

I have also considered Gender Reassignment Surgery (and facial feminization), but ultimately, I think I have a pretty good deal right now. I can dress whenever I want and have my wife right there to support me. Also, I think my man parts ultimately come of more use to me as I am attracted to women. I think your therapist is right though... this really is your decision as they are undoubtedly two of the most important things in your life.

[Karren H]

Hell I'd charge a whole lot less and would tell you what you want to hear! But ya got to do what ya got to do.. Just as long as you don't become one of those "superior" beings..... And come back and tell us what to do! Lol.

[Ugly Michele]

Know the feeling hope you work this out just agree with Karen.

[sherri52]

It's your inner self that is going to answer your question. Whatever the outcome we will be there to support you.

[ikatrina]

It sounds like an incredible dilemma but I think in the end your soul will just know what your destiny is.

One comment that I recently read that brought it in to perspective for me was (in paraphrase)....you have to need/want it bad enough to accept the possibility of losing everything you have in your current life...family, friends, economic status, employment etc. etc. etc. Tough words, but it makes some sense.

Regardless of what path you choose to pursue I don't think you'll have any shortage of support and virtual hugs from everyone here.

[SuzanneBender]

Hell I'd charge a whole lot less and would tell you what you want to hear! But ya got to do what ya got to do.. Just as long as you don't become one of those "superior" beings..... And come back and tell us what to do! Lol.

Please dear. I will always be me. I am a Chiefs and Cubbies fan. There is no way I can ever consider myself superior.

[Tara_G]

I also went through this recently as I lost my job as a high tech engineering manager and felt it was an opportunity to change careers and go for something that would allow me to work more as my feminine self (long hair,pierced ears, etc.). I thought that I really, really wanted to take the next step so I researched HRT and all the other things that would be required. I came to the conclusion that I missed the boat and that at this point in my life I would not be willing to do all the things necessary.

I recommend doing a lot of research before making any decisions and you may find yourself in a similar situation.

[Fab Karen]

I shared this with my therapist this morning and she told me that I have some tough decisions ahead of me. I am paying a $150.00 and hour for advice like that? Where was the "go for it girl" or "are you nuts"? I am a psychologist and although I am not a clinician I do understand that counseling consists of lots of little steps of guided self discovery, but there are times that I feel I would be better off with a magic eight ball.

The therapist can't decide FOR YOU. You've got to weigh it carefully, and with deep reflection see if it's what you TRULY want ( fantasies of the mind are not always the same as the reality ). And ask some TS's about what they go through to help with your decision.

[Kate Simmons]

You answered your own question Suzanne, it's because we are who we are and there is a reason we are who we are.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Suzanne says...

I am a Chiefs and Cubbies fan.

Well there....that's your problem!!!! Look who your rooting for?????

That will be $59.95 + tax....

Stephanie

[Lorileah]

Can I vote for "mid-life crisis?"

As with most the people here I have varied from time to time as what exactly I am. In the 70's I was just crazy according to most psychology texts. The years of the sexual revolution and I couldn't even pick a side to fight on.

Early 80's was I gay was I straight was I just crazy (still?) but then came college and a "Psy" course on Human sexuality ( I though maybe it was a chance to see naked women...was I wrong on that) and a professor who told me it was OK to be you. That the world wasn't black and white. So then I thought maybe I am transsexual. Looked into what I could find then, didn't like the look of the surgery, so I guess I wasn't really trans.

Settled into whoever I am now. Comfortable with the clothes, the ability to change my look when I like and being a guy physically (always) and a girl mentally (sometimes). And as stated above, I am too old to change that now (yes I know it can still be done but I have some mental things that deal with gender and age that I cannot get past).

So what I am saying is take some time on this. When we all reach mid-life we start to consider the what ifs of life. Things that you think my "be" may not be. I know that many people trans later in life, for many reasons, like life is getting short and you always wanted to, you now have the money to do it, your children have grown. All good reasons. But, and this is my own opinion and nothing else, you should trans if you always thought you were in the wrong body, not that you have decided that things are now getting stronger. You know if you had those feelings your whole life. Just make sure this isn't a gee I'd think I should try that.

and don't get he sports car,it looks silly when you drive a Ferrari at 35 down mainstreet.

[Nigella23]

I'm new round these parts, but have already discovered that you post intelligent, well informed, and caring posts. Obviously we don't know eachother, and likely never will, but I just wanted to say
Whatever you decide, it will be right for you, because of the qualitities you have as a human being.

I read this on your posts, and smile inside.

"See yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul." Dr. Wayne Dyer

[trannie T]

Seems like you have some tough decisions ahead of you. A Magic 8 Ball or a therapist can not make them for you. What may seem to be the easiest questions are often the hardest, such as:
Who am I?
Where did I come from?
Where am I now?
Where am I going?

Give it some serious thought, talk with your therapist, your spouse and with whatever spiritual advisor you may have.

[sherri]

Rereading your post again carefully, I don't see you actually asking for advice. Nevertheless, you are approaching a monumental crossroads and I would urge you to take lots of deep, deep breaths and sloooowww down. I mean, you yourself referred to what you're feeling as pink fog. Give this thing six months and see how you feel about it then, before you go stepping off any cliffs. And if I were you, I'd reread Lorileigh's last paragraph a few times. There's really no downside to taking your time with this thing -- it's not like you have some kind of deadline or anything.

I am a psychologist and although I am not a clinician I do understand that counseling consists of lots of little steps of guided self discovery, but there are times that I feel I would be better off with a magic eight ball.

This was hilarious, btw.

[JennaR]

All good advice, but my 2 cents worth is: Like myself and most of us on the post, you have a male mind, like it or not you make decisions based on what's good for you first, if we weren’t wired that way we as a species could never have survived (this far anyway) In general (not everyone) women are wired to trust your judgment. You know this, and make a choices based on pleasing her. Again, not everyone (and not us because we like to drift from gender to gender) but, I have to wonder how many guys would accept his wife saying "hey I never told you this but I like to dress in guy mode and... I wonder how acceptable that would be. Yet our SO trust our judgment and hopefully we make good decisions. Besides all that, there are children who didn't ask to come to the party so what ever you decide needs to wait until they are up and out. We made that decision and for me, one of the best I ever made. You can change the wrapper but it doesn’t change what’s inside

Just my opinion though

[Vicki-Z]

Hi Suzanne,

My heart really goes out to you girl.


"When I was young I went to bed every night wishing and praying that I would wake up female. I now find myself going to bed with those same wishes"

I understand your feelings as a child I also prayed and wished every night that I would wake up in the morning as a girl and I still do.

"I hid being transgendered for years from a wonderful and supportive wife. She has accepted the dressing as a part of the man she loves,"

"Being the wonderful woman she is she gave me a big hug with tears in her eyes and said she will always be there for me either as a wife or a friend."

From what you say you have a wonderful wife who has accepted your feminine side up to this point. For her to say that she will always be there for you either as a wife or friend is amazing.

I have to agree with Lorileah make sure this is not just a mid-life crisis. Because mid-lifes crisises can destroy great relationships. A year ago my wife had an affair with an old high school boyfriend which I feel was mainly because of her mid-life crisis. She decided she wanted more out of life. This destroyed me and started my own mid-life crisis. I'm now feel that life has also past me by and that I should have transitioned back when I was much younger before I got married. I'm realizing now that I've always been much more female inside than male and that I would have been much happier in my life if I would have transitioned.

However, like Lorileah I'm at an age now that it's not pratical for me to transition. I have been married to my wife for more than 25 years and I have always loved her more than anything in my life. She is not nearly as supportive as your wife but she is trying. I also have 2 children who I love very much. The three of them mean the world to me. I could not do anything as drastic as transitioning at this point in my life. In many ways transitioning would be much better for me personally. It would fulfill who I really am inside and give me peace of mind, but the consequences are too great.

What I am really trying to tell you is that I understand your feelings and how you feel torn apart inside. I cannot tell you what is right for you, only you can decide that. Just do a lot of deep soul searching and don't make any hasty decisions. Consider your wife and any children you might have and how your decision will affect them.

If you ever need someone to talk to you can always PM me.


Vicki


PS. Please excuse I am having problem getting the quotes to show up proper.

[rayander01]

I'm new here too so all i can add is, we all hope you can come to terms with your problem and it works out for you. We are here if you need us. Please keep us abreast of what's going on as we are all concerned.

Rey
.

[Angie G]

Suzanne I don't envy you life at this moment. I can only imagine what you going through.Whatever you chose to do I wish you all the best.I Sorry I can't help other them be here for you. your wife is an extraordinary woman. You one lucky person. May God be with you in you choices. I think you need more then just a hug dear so here is some love to go with it.
Angie

[Rebecca Jayne]

"Please dear. I will always be me. I am a Chiefs and Cubbies fan. There is no way I can ever consider myself superior."

Is your shrink on the payroll of those sports franchises?

Sounds like you need a vacation by yourself to do some soul searching, good mountain air or better yet cruise ship air.
The choices you make are ones you live with , make sure you are committed to the results they will bring and you can live with the outcome.

[dilane]

Hi Suzanne,

Yes, lots more fun to be a girl. I've had similar feelings for many years.

Here are some of the things I have asked myself when exploring this issue(with some answers):

1. If I transitioned, but were usually taken as a tranny (ie, mostly not passing) would I be happier than I am now? Answer: No! So for me, I'd need to pass really well (which is doable with some minor work for me). You have a nice face and a non-bulky body, so you'd probably do fine.

2. Can you chat up a woman and not be read? This is a big one for me (men are easy . Only important if you want to blend in as opposed to be known as a T-girl by all.

3. Do I know what it's like to live as a woman?
Answer: Kind of -- I've done most routine things in life en femme, shopping, car repair, jury duty, dancing & dance lessons, clubbing in the straight world, exercising, doing the things I like to do. So I have a semi-RLT due to 10+ years out and about 1-2 days a week.

4. Could I find work as a woman in my field? (If you're a tenured professor you've got it made, but most of us don't). I'd need all of my references to cooperate for a few years.

5. Are your kids old enough not to be embarassed or traumatized by losing their father? Maybe just a coincidence, but one friend's teenaged daughter fell apart with suicide attempts & drugs after the transition, and the son has a very strained relationship 5 years later.

6. Would your wife leave you (or would you want to be single and start dating men?) and would the aftereffects of that shift leave you with a clean conscience?

7. Knowing all the stresses and difficulties you'd encounter (and this is just a small list), would it be a net plus for you?

-- Diane

[DanaR]

I went through a similar dilemma about ten years ago and realized that I didn't want to give my wife, life, marriage and kids. Our kids are out on their own, and they all know about me with differing levels of acceptance; but I know that I wouldn't be able to have much of a relationship with my granddaughter.

My wife has been very understanding and supportive of me. I realize that life isn't always fair, and if I were to make some of these changes, life would now be totally unfair to my wife; I just couldn't do that to her. We have been together since we were teenagers and have been through a lot together. She has know about me for over thirty years.

[Samantha Girl]

Never know what to say so... Good luck

[jandebs]

Are the only two options right now: flip cards with the queen of hearts and end your marriage, or hang in there and wrestle with it?

It's just a story. In real life the rabbit hole never ends. Right now you're peering at the end, or looking for it, just as I am. How far do I have to go to resolve my crazy, charmingly screwed up self?

I played in a band behind a post op vocalist a few years back. She had a soprano voice, fabulous skin. Intelligent, witty, and stunningly attractive, she fretted endlessly over telling her lovely boyfriend of her genetic past. They'd slept together, were in each other's pockets, in love. It never occurred to him that she might be anything other than female. And despite this full immersion into womanhood she still defined her identity as transsexual. She was proud of it, and in a nice way.

Whether we venture out en femme occasionally, or live entirely as female, the extent to which we are taken as so, radiates outwards by degree. At the outer edge, the day to day encounters with other folk, we can be taken unquestionably as female.The closer in, our friends and acqaintances learn of our history. We share it with them, as they share theirs with us. At the heart of our relationship with the world, we are always inbetweenies.

Thinking we're falling down the rabbit hole is partly the mental rush we get thinking about some kind of astonishing journey, and that we could be actually on it. I guess it comes down to what kind of relationship you want with your family, as to how far down the rabbit hole you want to go. Bluddy hell. I'm in the matrix.