The dreaded coming out!

[karigal1]

Hi ladies. I'm a newly-enrolled member to this site, but a looong time girl! I know there are so many posts on the topic, but I'm getting ready to come out to my fiance. We've been together 4.5 years, and got engaged this past June. We are in the process of finding a house.

I've gotten advice from many girls who say, 'come out!' And that's what I want to do. I am afraid, and definitely don't want to lose her. She has told me in the past that as long as I don't cheat on her, she won't leave me/and we can work through things. Of course, the problem I see is: this is something she can't even envision me being!

I have taken many pictures, gone out to a few bars/clubs with girls, and done a heck of a lot of shopping. I'm assuming that I should NOT tell her this part right away?

Any advice on the best way to ease into the topic?

Thanks!

~Kari

[Samantha Girl]

Go slow and steady with her. Try not to barrage her with everything at once. It's a lot to take in.

I'd say more but there are more eloquent gals on here with better words than mine

Good luck! I hope it all works out for you

EDIT: Had another thought. Keep in mind one of things your SO might be upset by is your deception about this side of you. My girl was very accepting and cool. But she was a bit annoyed for a bit about the trust issue and that I had been hiding this, though she understood why

[karigal1]

Thanks! I'll keep that in mind!

[Alice B]

Simple. Be open and totally honest. Don't be shocked if she already suspects. Good luck.

[Angel.Marie76]

Oh, hun, I guess before you even think about talking to her, you need to first come clean with who YOU are to YOURSELF. Perhaps that sounds easy, but at times it is not.

Ask yourself lots of questions that you think she might ask:

Are you 'just' a crossdresser?
Do you want to dress like a woman full time?
Do you expect me to accept you / interact with you / sleep with you dressed as a woman?
What are the limits to your dressing?
Have you thought about a sex change? (I know, we here say it so much nicer but you have to be ready for the hard language)
Are you Gay? Would you rather sleep with men?
Why didn't you tell me this before we started dating?
How long have you been hiding this from me?

and on and on and on... I don't want to come off mean here, but these are just some of the so many things that went through my SO's head when I came out to her.. and I'm sure many others.

You have to pick your time, pick your battles so to speak, and know when the 'better' time is to start a conversation like this. Personally, AVOID THE HOLIDAYS, and yes, there are many. I waited to start talking to a lot of people till around Halloween, because it made sense to start the CDing conversation then. If you crush XMass or whatever for her because you've just dumped a 1-tom weight on her back, she might not be as easy to forgive and forget / accept.

Read as much as you can here from the threads in the 'Loved Ones' section, and ask all the questions you can amass here before you decide to talk to your SO about them.

..and best of luck!

-Angel

[Samantha Girl]

^ See! Better words, far more eloquent!

[DonnaT]

I've a feeling you want to continue going out enfemme. If so, then now's the time to be totally honest, and to talk about going out.

Otherwise you're likely end up doing things she'll consider to be cheating.

It's especially important when buying a house together and considering getting married..

[karigal1]

Wow! Some great advice! That's why I joined this forum! ;-)

Angel, regarding the holidays, do you think I should then wait till after Christmas? Or do you mean not to do it on that particular day?

[renee k]

Hi Kari,

Welcome to the forum. Angel has some good advice. And be prepared to answer alot of questions. I would definitely wait till after the holidays to tell her. I told my ex-wife before we married. And she thought I would change and give it all up. Well that didn't happen. Here I sit writing this post dressed totally as my femself.

Fly safe!

Huggs, Renee

[sherri]

While y'all are house shopping, tell her you are going to need two closets for yourself and a really good vanity mirror.

Just kidding.

Are you saying y'all have never even mentioned the subject, even in general? If that's the case, can you be reasonably sure that she won't freak out and go medieval on you? Reason I ask is, worst case scenario, you don't want her outing you, right? If there is any question about that, you need to find a way to subtly feel her out on the subject without showing her all your cards. If that goes well then you can maybe open up to her and find out where you -- and you two -- stand after the dust settles.

And you should probably do it before you move in together, but not on Christmas day.

Boy, are you ever in for the third degree!

[KarenCDFL]

Hi Kari,

From your posted pictures, you look incredible! Overall, I agree with the others here, you must tell her.

If you don't, you can be sure she will figure it out eventually if she does not already know.

Yes, you may lose her but better to find out now than later.

Your worst problem may be that she will be jealous of how good your look!

I hope it all works out for both of you.. Good Luck!

[karigal1]

Hi Kari,

From your posted pictures, you look incredible! Overall, I agree with the others here, you must tell her.

If you don't, you can be sure she will figure it out eventually if she does not already know.

Yes, you may lose her but better to find out now than later.

Your worst problem may be that she will be jealous of how good your look!

I hope it all works out for both of you.. Good Luck!

Thank you everybody for the advice; and Karen, thank you for the kind words...but are you sure you don't need contacts or glasses? ;-)

[Stephanie Heplby]

In addition to all those questions, she might want to know about your extensive online profile...

For me, this was fortunately not a problem, but I could see how that would feed into the feeling of "betrayal", since it represents a vibrant life that you do not share with your mate.

[LisaM]

Kari,

Like so many others I think you need to tell her before you get married.

I didn't and it was a mistake because it doesn't go away. More importantly, I was told that in 1981 and I did not listen to the advice.

[Angel.Marie76]

Wow! Some great advice! That's why I joined this forum! ;-)

Angel, regarding the holidays, do you think I should then wait till after Christmas? Or do you mean not to do it on that particular day?

OH, I most certainly do mean WAIT TILL AFTER XMass in my personal opinion. Situations may vary though, and that's where the instinct needs to come in. Seriously, as I've been coming out to my friends, I catch them when they're at their most open and go with, 'You know, when you said [blah], it really made me happy because I've been meaning to tell you something...'. I realize that won't always work for everyone, and certainly is a game of chance - which still weighs heavily on the things going on around all of us every day. You don't exactly want to segue into a thought like this if you're about to go on a fancy dinner out or about to walk into a family affair, etc. If a chance like that comes up, have some buffered responses ready that might pique interest or maybe say nothing, but remember that moment for later as your own conversational starter... 'Remember when you said... '


This last part is pure opinionated speculation, but based on my SO's energy and personality, when I'm helping her with the housework, we connect, and almost become an unconscious team that mills about doing this and that, but we're connected and content. When I tell the truth in the fact that silly domestic chores bring out the housewife in me.. she rolls her eyes and laughs at me. THAT, bar none, would be a spectacular time for me to break the ice about a tough topic because of the energy surrounding it. Tact is key, no doubt about it. If I hadn't already come out near Hallows the first time, I'd probably start joking about being the french maid for her next halloween or something.. offer to do all the housework, etc.. and POOF! instant conversational starter.

That last paragraph is completely up for the horsepucky brigade, but I hope you get the jist.

[Angelofsomekind]

I was in the same situation, we were about to close on a house and we were engaged when I told her.

Let her know it is something you feel you can trust her with, you want her to know about this part of you. Also don't just say, "I'm a crossdresser." and leave it at that waiting for her reaction. Tell her what exactly that means. This is something my wife told me about. If she has no idea about CD's, she doesn't know what to expect, she doesn't know what it really means. Give her time, let her know she can ask any questions she has at any time, and go at her pace. And last, Let us know how it goes!

Good luck!

[MsJanessa]

tell her after christmas but before you buy the house and/or get married---it makes it a lot more simple if your dressing is an insurmountable problem for her--hopefully it won't be--but best to come clean with her before the house is bought and the knot tied

[jenna_woods]

really think it out , make sure its what you want, if so sit down with her and really talk about it,

[DiannaRose]

Whatever and however you decide to do it (and you've gotten a lot of advice above here, so weigh it all well), I'll be praying for you. Let us know how it goes, Kari!

[AllieSF]

I can only reinforce what others have said here. Wait till after the holidays, delay getting too active in trying to find a house to buy, make sure you do not set a wedding date yet, and, by all means, tell her well before you get married. She will probably need to really let it all sink in, do her research, ask you and others questions, have her probable ups and downs trying to come to grips with what it all means now and in the future, and how and "if" she can really live with that after marriage. You may even want to consider offering to go to pre-marriage counseling to have a thrid party help both of you understand what it is all about. Good luck.

[AshleyCDFL]

Kari, good luck first of all! My advice would be to broach the subject non-challantly, like maybe if you're doing laundry or shopping, looking at something and saying "this would look nice on me" in a somewhat joking manner. You should be able to gage her reaction from this. Its kinda how I came out to my wife (gf at the time). Definitely go slow, don't overload her. In the end, you know her best and should be able "feel out" when the right time is. I would make sure she's in a good mood (you know how women can be sometimes....) and Don't Force It! Good Luck again! Let us know how it all turns out.

[Faith_G]

Definitely come out BEFORE you buy a house with her or get married! Not having either of those complications in the way makes things much easier if she does not accept you.