How Well has the wife taken the news that your a Crossdresser

[Allsteamedup]

Dear Geneva
You posted last week how you felt overcome by the amount of your life you were giving over to your female self, how physical changes you were making were noticeable and your wife was hinting as much...
She will have been suspicious about what she told you she could see, the electrolysis (or was it laser?) and other changes you did little to conceal. The problem with suspicion is that it grows and coupled with your wife taking all the responsiblilty for your little ones, she's probably emotionally worn out.
There is an excellent thread at the top of the page about coming out to your partner, and the stages of acceptance they go through and how they might get there. Take a look.
If you can recapture your level of care and support for your family, which should have been there all along, she may well reach a place where she can feel more secure about herself,which is necessary before she can process what you have told her.
It is a pity that you presented this as a problem. What your wife will process first is the your deception. Next to suspicion, this is hard for women to live with. Some understanding on your part of the emotional distress she is suffering would be a starting point for you. You will need to make a big effort to rebuild trust, which comes from what you do, not what you say.
Keep writing. We are here.

[Joanne f]

What's a "wife"?

One of those things that looks after you when you are ill , does the cooking,cleaning, ironing, washing up, house work ,laundry and go`s out to work , ( that reminds me, i must get one of those)

[DAVIDA]

WOW! I didn't know that I'm a wife!

[paulaluvssz8]

My wife didn't take the news so great.... It's been around 7 years ago now. And she still avoids anything near the topic.

[christinek]

I told, showed my wife just after our 15th wedding anniversary and she was shaken at first but now she is all over it.

She worried at first if it made her a lesbian and such.

[melissacd]

I am separated from her now, need I say more about how well she took

Okay I will say more. Everyone is different so what happens in your case will be as unique as what happened in my case. I told my ex after being together for almost 15 years. She did not take it well and the first year after I told her she would barely speak to me. I tried talking to her but she would have none of it. Eventually we reached a dysfunctional normalcy that lasted until 2004 when my father died and I needed to bring the white elephant out of the closet because I was very unhappy. I created a binder of all sorts of articles to help her understand (she did not look at them), I got some books for her to read (she did not read them), I found GGs who were willing to talk to her (she would not talk to them) and we went to marriage counselling in 2006 and later again in 2007. I finally got the hint, after almost 25 years together, that her problem with my cross dressing would never go away when she said (during relationship therapy) "I do not want to be with a man who is less than a man", which was followed by her telling me she wanted out of the relationship.

In the end, as much as I tried to bring her along on this journey, it was a journey she was not willing to take. It was very sad at the time because I loved her dearly, but in the end she just could not adapt and I realized I could not stop being me. I realized it was pointless to continue after all this time to try and fix what could not be fixed. So I moved on.

It has been a struggle over these past few years and I have made many stupid mistakes in the process, but it was the right thing to do. Each of us has what we can live with and each of us realized that what we could live with no longer included each other.

If there was any lesson for me in all of this it was first and foremost you must be true to yourself for only then can you be a really good partner in a relationship. If they can accept you just as you are and if you have common ground and mutual love then you have someone you can be happy with for the rest of your life.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

Huggs
Melissa

[MWCMDarlene]

Revealed what she had been wondering about to her about 10 or so years ago. We have been married a little more than 23 years now. Her reaction was that she doesn't want to have anything to do with it and that she would pray every day for me to stop and give it up until I do. We don't talk about it except when she gets very angry or disappointed with me about something, especially if it has to do with my professional life not going too well, then she says that my work professionally will never get any better until I stop and give it up.

[MJ]

she's my ex now the judge gave her the planet and i have to pay for it...
well you did ask.

[AmiFL]

My wife thought it was "cute" the night I showed her how I looked dressed. But that was after alot of wine together. The next day she did not react well at all..... She still throws in in my face when we fight and at one point outed me to my teenage son. It is not very pretty.

Now I have to live my "Other Life" here as I am very much in the closet.

BTW, your are beautiful!

[sfwarbonnet]

Mine ridicules my wearing women's clothes, although she bought me most of them. I underdress when we go out, and wear uncovered pantyhose and a slip at home. (She said to wear what I wanted - and I do) She doesn't now want me to impersonate a woman. I'm pushing with baby steps, but for now it's no bra when I'm with her. All my women's clothes have a raison d'etre, and she seems to accept that. I hope to get out en femme with her in my lifetime

[PanteeQueen]

Very mixed emotions here. She says she O.K. with it, but gets upset when I mention it.

[WandaRae2009]

I came out to my wife almost 2 years ago after over 20 years of mariage.

It was extremely rough the first few weeks, so I suggested that we see a counselor that specializes in such issues. Most local support groups will have a list of counselors. We chose one that was almost an hour away so there was little chance of running into someone that we knew. Was even covered by insurance. Most are descreet as to the diagnosis and treatment codes.

She understands that I just can't quit and the desires/need to crossdress are real.

She is paranoid that someone we know will find out and that will ruin our lives. She made me promise never to post pictures on the internet. She still wants nothing to do with Wanda and wishes she would just go away. It seems that I have been more careless lately. Leaving thing in the dryer or out where she can see them, and she has a flare up of unaccepting. More like out of site out of mind. I think I keep trying just to test if the acceptance level is improving.

[Ashley Williams]

....but I do have a question and that is ...Why would you want to tell your wife at Christmas? You were not up front when you two married so why now and not into the new year? I think for most SO's they need time to mull over what is told to them. Don't you think this will cast a cloud over the holiday season?

I also told my wife around this time of the year because the tension had built up so much since that summer, I didn't feel I had much of a choice. It can be a very stressful time for lots of reasons, so the clouds can be, and were in our case, pretty plentiful anyway.

That was 2 years ago, and we are still kicking along - just - but it could still go either way. My dressing is not the only challenge, though. Unemployment and financial worries, plus the occasional health issue to leaven the mix have made it a pretty dreadful time all round.

I have attached the link to the response that was published in one of our national Sunday newspapers to my writing in. Pretty level-headed, and still probably the most rounded response I have received. You will see I also posted it earlier in the year as a thread - so the posts there may also give you a broader picture of how others have managed.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandsty...drelationships

Hope that your wife's thoughts will return to the positive reasons for your being together - and that the challenges you now face will find you both stronger in the end.

Hugs

Paula xxx

[Sully]

Oh, very well, she really gets turned on!!!

[Carroll]

I am beginning to think my wife is the only one here that didn't freak out. I told here on our first date and she was cool with the idea of it. She didn't see Carroll until about 2 years after we were married. She had a good laugh when she first saw me, told me I looked like a "Carroll" and that was pretty much it. It's been 11 years now.

[Michelle_NY]

Well, my wife knows and FREAKING hates my dressing. Is that a good enough answer to you gf? LOL LO Oh well, life goes on

[Evangeline]

Well i told the wife,but luckily i'm single.



(think about it)

[Sandra]

oDifferent wives take it differently, those that really have a hard time are those who have been told or found out after years of marriage. See to them they have been lied to, feel that their SO didn't trust them and then feel that thier SO expects them to be supportive and accepting, well it don't work like that.

I was told abut my SO 6 months after we got married, I didn't freak out, why? because she sat and talked to me about it, and listened to my concerns and worries.

[Kitty Sue]

My ex-fiance did not ever have an issue with it. We were together for a long time. She was always supportive. I ended the engagement, but not due to crossdressing. Anyway Napier lady I wish you all the best.

I suppose you could always by a crate of Tui and go hang out with some mates and get on the turps. Also Mahia is a great place for New Years if you are still by yourself. I feel for you, I really do.

[PretzelGirl]

Sandra hits it on the head. My wife has been along for all of my progression. She has been accepting all along understanding my wants and needs. And what I think always helped is I made sure I was understanding of her wants and needs.

[Jaydee]

A few months ago, after 33 years of marriage, and several years of "baby steps", including wearing plain panties, and her knowing that I wore pantyhose when she wasn't around, I finally came out to her on the full extent of my CDing. I can't say she took it well, but she didn't walk out the door or throw anything. We have talked a lot, and she will occassionally ask questions about it, in a non judgemental way. She was most upset with the idea that if I was part woman, then she must be part lesbian, which was very difficult for her.
At her suggestion, I saw a gender therapist(she didn't come). He basically confirmed what I knew already. She has since come to the theory that my CDing is an addiction. She feels she can understand and deal with it that way. I may not agree entirely, but I am not going to push the issue right now. She knows that it won't go away, but hopes it will. Still, I can't say she is accepting, more like trying to develop tolerance. I am trying not break any eggshells in the mean time. I love her very much and I can tell that she loves me despite the CDing. I think it will take her some more time.

Jaydee

[Amymonroe]

i told my wife on the day we got married that i did not want to keep any secrets from her and then preceded to tell her about my wanting to cd. she was a bit shy about it for a few minutes then she directed me off the highway to the nearest wal-mat and we went shopping for underwear for me. she did share this secret with her best friend and that was how she was able to cope with it. her firend even donated to the cause. and almost twelve years later we are still married. she still supports me to this day. i have come out to some people but now to any family yet...

amy

[Acadeca]

I told my wife way before we married and that way she had time to learn about it and think about if we were going to have a future.

We have anniversary # 14 coming up next month and for the holidays she bought me a bunch of gorgeous lingerie and makeup items hoping that she could borrow them once in awhile!

Karen, I'm glad to hear that your courage (in telling your wife BEFORE you married) was rewarded with an honest and loving marriage. I hope some young CDs on here will read this and decide they want the same thing.

[Raechel Marris]

Hello Geneva

I am sorry to hear that your breaking the news to your wife did not go well. I hope you and your wife can work things out. I told a woman that I was madly in love with that I like to dress up and as a result she did not like it too much. I have remained single since then and a recent female friend accepted what I do. I was once asked by my sister why I do it after finding my stuff in my room when I lived at home. I said to her that it helped me understand women better and that was it and no more was said after that. I am here to listen if you need to talk . Best wishes and huggs.

[sonia_dargency]

well - me coming out turned into a frantic domestic disaster.

for a year now, even the topic is off limit and the activity is deep underground.

but:
1) we had this kind of conflicts in the past for other reasons and they eventually solved
2) she does not grasp the concept of grey area - read: she is able to be fully committed but does not go through transitions.
3) I spent most of my life keeping to myself, being selfish, making wimpy compromises
that hurted her.
4) she loves me deeply and wants me, her and us to be happy
5) If CDing is not evoked, life is great.
6)I was like a kid expecting to be granted licence to eat in the candy factory, want it all right now. does not work like that, you have to earn sweetness. wives do earn it hard.

I think you properly choose your words, you have a problem, but it is not crossdressing

Sonia