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Thread: Why can't I ???

  1. #1
    Member paulaluvssz8's Avatar
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    Why can't I ???

    Well, several years ago I told my wife about my desire to CD. Needless to say, she didn't take it do well. After a few months she gave me a 6 page letter stating that I could stop this or she would take the girls and leave. She didn't want people to find out because it would cost me my job. And they would all be embarrassed. So I acted without putting any thought to it, other than on my family. Where it should be.

    Before I told her about Paula, we talked about fantisies. I ask her to buy me some panties and she did. Let me wear them and all, she just ask that I keep them in her drawer so the girls wouldn't find out. She even bought me some other items. Panties sleep tops, etc. Just s few things. She said that it took away my masculinty, and she didn't know what to think about that.

    So back to the story, I know that I overwhelmed her when I showed her the things that I had bought over the years. And I wasn't prepared to answer those questions. I had a book that I let her read, "my husband wears my clothes". She said that she read part of it. I really don't know. Anyway after this I was given the ultimatum, Stop or we are gone!

    I stopped for a few years. Now after I feel off the wagon.. LoL I found this site, and a lot of helpful stories. I would love to talk to her about this again. But I can't! It's like if the subject is ever mentioned about a guy wearing women's clothes. She just smarts off about it. Or laughs and I think she is secretly laughing at me. I just don't want yo loose my family... But I don't want yo hide anything from my wife. She said before as long as I was open with her that we could compromise. Well after the ultimatum I felt pushed right back into the closet. I ordered a panty and bra set from the net, thinking I would be there when they arrived. I was gone and she got them. Called me really angry. And so the arguememt was on. Ending with hurt feelings and her telling me that she didn't want me buying "that stuff" anymore.

    You know I'd love to be back to getting a little room of acceptance. But I just can't figure out how to bring it up. I really want to just love her, and be "the MAN" she married. But I CD! And like it. I don't want to become a woman. I don't want to be with anybody else. I just want her to love all of me. Not just what she wants of me. I have been with her for 20 years, and she isn't perfect, but I live with those things. And some of the things she does, I hate to the core. But she doesn't stop or change. SO!

    Why Can't I???
    Last edited by paulaluvssz8; 12-26-2009 at 10:19 AM.
    No, those are my Panties]

  2. #2
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    I know the drill!! And I'd love acceptance too but for me its family first.. And will always be that way.. My wife didn't sign up for this so I don't blame her one bit for her attitude..
    Last edited by Karren H; 12-26-2009 at 11:06 AM.
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  3. #3
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    Sounds like rather complicated issue you are involved right now.

    I really think you should have a nice long chat with her about this matter. It could be that she's just simply afraid of losing the "man" she once married. If she avoids the topic you can do it the same way she did and write a letter about the feelings you have about this matter. There has to be a way for you both to cope with this in a way that it will not harm your family or your lives in anyway. She did buy you some panties in the beginning and didn't have a problem with you wearing them as long as the girls didn't find out about it.

    Take some time to think about your own feelings and write them down. This way you can give them to her and she won't really be able to "avoid" the topic. If she does, I don't think she deserves to be with you at all. No matter what the issues is it should never be ignored by one side. A relationship always involves two people and compromises have to be done in some cases but it's not a compromise if you have to give up on something you like to do.

    Everyone needs something to keep themselves balanced. Be it reading a book, taking pictures or dressing into female clothes. If you can't have something to relax yourself your life won't be all that nice in the end. I really hope your wife sees into this matter as I truly think that no marriage should be broken because of something like this. Changing a sex is another matter but you have no plans of doing this so I really don't see a reason why she would have the need to forbid you your little hobby. She can have her say about when and how you do it but she can't dictate alone what you can do or not. That is not a the way a relationship should go. You both love each others, don't you? Two loving people wanting to hurt each others isn't a sight anyone wants to see.
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  4. #4
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    My wife and I would periodically go through crises about my crossdressing. She never threatened to leave me or anything, but we had more than a few tearful scenes about it. Finally a couple of years ago we decided to see a therapist. It's no miracle cure, but it is a third party to referee the discussion. In an ideal world, I would have gotten complete acceptance from her, but, with the help of the therapist we seem to have negotiated a kind of grudging tolerance. We were blessed to have a genuine expert on gender identity as our therapist, but, I'm sure with a little research you could find a qualified therapist in your area.

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    I disagree with Shikyo. Paula's wife did not know about the crossdressing initially. When he wanted to wear women's underwear she agreed because it could easily have fallen into the category of "sex play". However, when he admitted to being a crossdresser he crossed the line and she did not sign up for that. As a crossdresser myself I easily see why it would not be appealing for a wife. Many marriages end up in divorce over this proclivity; many couples are in therapy because of it, attempting to save their marriages. Unless the crossdresser admits to the crossdressing before any commitments are made, he has absolutely no right to demand acceptance, or even expect it.

    Karren Hutton is right on. Family first. If a habit or activity is injurious to a relationship it should be eliminated or, if acceptable to both parties, at least curtailed. It is paramount that the spouse know what is going on with the crossdressing. An unknowing spouse, upon discovering a cache' of women's clothing and then learning they're her husband's clothes, is hit with a tsunami of information which, I believe in most cases, harms or destroys the marriage.

  6. #6
    Silver Member kristinacd55's Avatar
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    That's a tough one Paula. Hopefully, you can work it out where you could do it when she's not around etc. My wife has been a reluctant accepter but I know will never fully accept. She knows I dress when noone's home & is fine with that. On this site, there's all different gg acceptance levels & I guess it's up to each individual couple to workout where they have to be at.

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    EveMarie: Your quote must have been written by a crossdresser. I believe in reality we are a rather selfish lot.

  8. #8
    Member gabe's Avatar
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    I am willing to sacrifice a lot, including CD, for the reward, and the trial and tribulation too, of parenthood. Everybody is different, but I take the duties of being a parent very seriously. While an SO did not sign up for a crossdressing husband, children definitely do not deserve to suffer as a result of my desire to CD. I helped bring them into this world, they are my utmost responsibilities. That is not to say we cannot be a serious parent as a divorced couple, a lot of times divorce works out for the better. But if I have to chose, I am more than willing to put off CD for a happy family and until the children are gone. This is a personal choice, there is no right or wrong answer, I think the important people the children, not ourselves. My apologies if I appear to be proselytizing.

  9. #9
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thalia View Post
    Karren Hutton is right on. Family first. If a habit or activity is injurious to a relationship it should be eliminated or, if acceptable to both parties, at least curtailed.
    Oh, right, so all I have to do is solemnly say three times, "I will not cross-dress", and that's that?? Do I have to add in a few
    "Abracadabra"s, or a few "Hocus Pocus"es, or a few "Please, God!"s?

    Thalia, either you haven't encountered some of our stories yet, or you haven't been listening. There is medical evidence that for at least some of us, cross-dressing is caused by our bio-chemical conditions. Stopping can be very harmful for us. How harmful? Dehabilitating. And I mean that completely seriously.

    It doesn't do my wife any good if I can't work and have to sleep most of the day and have no initiative and cannot plan anything and am on a hair trigger and yell at her over trivial things and nearly throw up if I have to do something simple like put dishes in the dish washer. I went through all of that (except that I was fortunate enough that they moved me to another job instead of firing me), and the only thing that has really helped me has been accepting my cross-dressing.

    If you have a serious medical condition, then "Family first" means treating that medical condition. The only known treatment for what-ever causes the urge to cross-dress... is to cross-dress.

    Perhaps some people can permanently stop wanting to cross-dress -- though the only known cases of that have been through "aversion therapy". Think "A Clockwork Orange". Think electro-shock treatment. Think 75% or more failure rate at removing the actual desire, leaving the person with both the desire and getting sick every time the desire manifests, because of the aversion therapy treatment.

    Beyond that, the best people can do is seal the desire inside themselves and hope doing so doesn't damage them too much.

    I know one person who sealed away the desire for 8 years... and then one day suddenly had a complete breakdown and (by their own account) would have committed suicide that day if they had not happened to have the opportunity to chat for hours to someone who helped them accept themselves as-is and move forwards; the person is working on full transition now. Why did they seal the desire away? For "family reasons".

    Gosh, suicide is just so family-friendly.


    Quote Originally Posted by Thalia View Post
    EveMarie: Your quote must have been written by a crossdresser. I believe in reality we are a rather selfish lot.
    Clearly, You Just Don't Get It.

    In the old days, the phrase they would have used for what happened to me would have been "Nervous Breakdown". And it wasn't from me throwing a big tantrum at being denied the toy (Cross-dressing) that I had seen and wanted: I didn't even know I was a cross-dresser until after medication had repaired enough brain circuits that I was able to bring the matter to conscious attention. And the breakdown was merely the point at which my condition overwhelmed my internal reserves: my doctor said quite clearly that based upon the cortisone levels in my body, he could tell that I had been sick for at least 5 years; knowing the symptoms, I can date back-date it at least 3 years further than that.

    Selfish. Pshaw! You know nothing about my life! Let me summarize it this way: my altruism test scores rank me above the 90th percentile.
    Last edited by sandra-leigh; 12-26-2009 at 12:06 PM. Reason: Additional response

  10. #10
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    When you are in a relationship there is one rule of thumb that never changes. The SO is not always right but she is never wrong. That is a fact that we, as men (CDing notwithstanding) have to learn to live with.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  11. #11
    Senior Member vivianann's Avatar
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    that is why it is so important to not hide anything from a future spouse during courtship, I do not hide the fact that I crossdress from any woman that I date long term, that probably explains Why I am not married, but at least I am not putting some wife through hell over crossdressing, plus I am not putting myself through hell either. I find alot of women are intrigued by us crossdressers, but they would not want to be married to a crossdresser. I agree with Thalia, I do find that alot of crossdressers are very selfish, and they cause there families alot of pain because of it.
    I am dressed enfemme most of the time when I am not working, and sometimes when I am working, (though rare) I meet alot of peaple, the women only accept me as one of them, but would not want to be in a relationship.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thalia View Post
    I disagree with Shikyo. Paula's wife did not know about the crossdressing initially. When he wanted to wear women's underwear she agreed because it could easily have fallen into the category of "sex play". However, when he admitted to being a crossdresser he crossed the line and she did not sign up for that. As a crossdresser myself I easily see why it would not be appealing for a wife. Many marriages end up in divorce over this proclivity; many couples are in therapy because of it, attempting to save their marriages. Unless the crossdresser admits to the crossdressing before any commitments are made, he has absolutely no right to demand acceptance, or even expect it.
    So if you don't know something before you get married it gives you to the right to stop loving someone or even demand them to stop it just because you want. If the wife has the right to demand the husband to stop crossdressing what will the husband get to demand the wife to stop? To a relationship always belong two and one can make rules about things but if you want to forbid something you better be ready to give up on something else.

    Let's see what else we could add to this:

    -pregnancy
    -sicknesses
    -accidents
    -mental problems(everything to do with the mental side of the body be it therapy because of an addiction or something totally else)
    -smoking
    -drinking coffee

    The list could go on for a while. Do you think any of these reasons would be a reason to stop loving someone just because you didn't know about it when you first got married maybe because it hadn't started yet or it hadn't been found out yet.

    By the way, my wife is no lesbian and far from being bisexual and I'm changing my sex to female. Despite all this she doesn't want to leave me because she loves me and is doing her best to deal with this matter(just like I'm doing my best to make it as easy on her as I can). She would prefer me staying male when she first married but she does understand that it just isn't going to work out like that. She also knows that there would be no future for us if I would try to stay male.
    Last edited by Shikyo; 12-26-2009 at 12:22 PM. Reason: Added a paragaraph...
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  13. #13
    Senior Member carolinoakland's Avatar
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    Sigh, back when I was in relationship and had a child... I thought I was CD. And the one thing that she did was to use my fear of exposure as leverage in the relationship. Could it be that you're wife is doing the same? The fear of losing everything gives her the power. The line from "Dune'' "He who can destroy a thing, controls that thing." I ache for your hurt,and need. For acceptance. Time honey, and patience, that's all I can offer. And of course, a hug and love. Carol

  14. #14
    My destiny is before me Brandi Wyne's Avatar
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    Sailing the tides of time

    When one is very young and crossdressing is equated first with love and affection, then the sexual desires it is bringing out are not generally the thing uppermost on the mind, or heart.

    I was a "virgin" when I married at a young age and I LOVED all things femme. For me, feeling, touching, smelling any and all things femme just made me believe that I wanted to be very close to my partner; not that I was looking for my other identity. At that time of my life CDing wasn't really mentioned because I never really realized that that is what was at the root of all my desires and the frustrations that came from hiding it.

    Yes, family is first. I raised my four children without them ever knowing I had any conduct or desires that ran contrary to conventional thinking. Both my wife and I forgave each other for our failures and weaknesses through the years. I was (and am) less than totally honest with her and that is a torment to me now.

    I just don't know what would happen but it would not be a series of bargains and compromises for either of us. It will probably be hurtful, ugly and final but I feel we are approaching that time and place.

    Good luck to you and I sincerely hope you find happiness.
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  15. #15
    Silver Member kellycan27's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shikyo View Post
    So if you don't know something before you get married it gives you to the right to stop loving someone or even demand them to stop it just because you want. If the wife has the right to demand the husband to stop crossdressing what will the husband get to demand the wife to stop? To a relationship always belong two and one can make rules about things but if you want to forbid something you better be ready to give up on something else.

    Let's see what else we could add to this:

    -pregnancy
    -sicknesses
    -accidents
    -mental problems(everything to do with the mental side of the body be it therapy because of an addiction or something totally else)
    -smoking
    -drinking coffee

    The list could go on for a while. Do you think any of these reasons would be a reason to stop loving someone just because you didn't know about it when you first got married maybe because it hadn't started yet or it hadn't been found out yet.

    By the way, my wife is no lesbian and far from being bisexual and I'm changing my sex to female. Despite all this she doesn't want to leave me because she loves me and is doing her best to deal with this matter(just like I'm doing my best to make it as easy on her as I can). She would prefer me staying male when she first married but she does understand that it just isn't going to work out like that. She also knows that there would be no future for us if I would try to stay male.
    Your wife must be pretty awesome in that she is willing to give up her happiness for you. She's probably giving up just about every notion that she ever expected to get out of marriage, kids, sex, a man. I am not sure what someone could do to "make it easier on HER" though, maybe you could share just what that means with others in order that it may help them in their own relationships.
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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by EveMarie View Post
    Ithis quote pretty well summed up what I had to admit was true for me, this doesn't apply to everyone but I thought it was so well put, I had to share:
    ...
    I guess my wife must truely love me cause yes, me being TG is one of the reasons (tho not the main reason) we are splitting.
    She had said "Well this is the kind of life you want to lead, I might as well let you do it... ...someday you might meet someone who is able to deal with it but I just can't..."

    It is asking a lot for someone to sacrafice their own happiness.
    Besides, in this world, you really don't owe anything to anyone.
    Some GG's may think a man owes their happiness. And maybe some TS who THINK they are GG's feel this way about men. Well it isn't the case. You don't owe them, they don't owe you.

    But anyways, yeah it might be time to decide if the relationship can really survive.
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  17. #17
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicole Erin View Post
    It is asking a lot for someone to sacrafice their own happiness.
    Besides, in this world, you really don't owe anything to anyone.
    Some GG's may think a man owes their happiness.
    Realizing that my wife didn't owe me any of several things that I expected was very hard on me -- but liberating. Liberating in that I was able to give up a lot of anger and resentment that I'd been holding in. I don't pretend that I don't still want those things, but they become cases of "You can't always get what you want" instead of me being upset with her personally.
    Last edited by az_azeel; 12-26-2009 at 05:10 PM. Reason: fixed quote

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by kellycan27 View Post
    Your wife must be pretty awesome in that she is willing to give up her happiness for you. She's probably giving up just about every notion that she ever expected to get out of marriage, kids, sex, a man. I am not sure what someone could do to "make it easier on HER" though, maybe you could share just what that means with others in order that it may help them in their own relationships.
    Actually, never mind. I just remembered that it's not worth discussing with you at all as you seem to have something against me.
    Last edited by Shikyo; 12-26-2009 at 03:23 PM. Reason: Not worth the trouble...
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  19. #19
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    I understand both sides of this issue fairly well, though I am not experiencing them yet. Whether the SO was told or not before marriage for whetever reason, the fact is that one has changed and has a relationship and life changing issue to deal with and, share with the SO. Good or bad, too soon or too late, that is the (for both sides), or maybe we could call that compromise. Some people tell there SO and some don't. I know both types. Once the truth is out, partially or completely, it is decision time for both, not just the confessing or discovered party. If the CD/TG/TS can keep it inside or live with certain restrictions self-imposed or imposed by the SO, and remain sane and carry on an almost acceptable life with their SO at the same time, that is fine. However, that does not always work out for everyone and that is where that hard decision comes into play, to separate and give both parties a chance to get on with there lives.

    I do not believe that one has to "suck it in" and be brave and sacrifice all for the innocent party. I do believe that both parties need to make that hard decision whetherto stay together or not. Sure, some can stay together and make it work, but others will suffer seriously and potentially cause more harm to the SO, themselves and those innocent bystanding children. I do not believe that one shoe nor one recommendation fits all feet and all people.

    So, my recommendation is to sit down by yourself and think, analyse, get professional help if you can, and then decide. Good, long, open, honest and hard discussions with the SO are also needed. Good luck.

  20. #20
    Silver Member kellycan27's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicole Erin View Post
    I

    Some GG's may think a man owes their happiness. And maybe some TS who THINK they are GG's feel this way about men. Well it isn't the case. You don't owe them, they don't owe you.

    But anyways, yeah it might be time to decide if the relationship can really survive.
    I suppose you could look at it like that Nicole, and "technically" you may be correct. Nobody really does "owe" anybody anything. So it it would perfectly acceptable for everyone to just do as they please, without regard for for anyone else, because you don't "owe" them anything. Great words to live by.
    Did you ever stop to think that that TS who you say thinks that they a real gg might in reality just be someone who has the ability to look at both sides of the coin? You want the right to live your life as you see fit, and as to what makes you happy, yet you seem to take issue with others who want the same thing for themselves. You obviously feel that your right trumps theirs which seem so me go right along with your "I don't owe anyone anything attitude".

    Your friend



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    Last edited by kellycan27; 12-26-2009 at 04:14 PM.
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  21. #21
    Senior Member Presh GG's Avatar
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    Hi Ladies... All,

    Can I jump in here for just a thought?

    Please, How can your lovely wifes understand if you don't tell them what it's all about ?
    We can't read your mind. But one thing is for sure, if a women really has been blessed with a husband who can and will love her enough to explain what CD is all about it is no longer scary and only understanding will lead to exceptance.

    I wish you [ and your partners ] happyness and the most out of life.

    Presh GG

  22. #22
    Silver Member AmandaM's Avatar
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    Her ultimatum means that you suffer cause she sure ain't going to. Some relationship. It's supposed to be about working thru problems. Oh by the way dear, I just got cancer. Her: "You deal with it, I don't want to see any meds or nutin' around the house".

  23. #23
    SO of CloserthanthisGG Lisia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaM View Post
    Her ultimatum means that you suffer cause she sure ain't going to. Some relationship. It's supposed to be about working thru problems. Oh by the way dear, I just got cancer. Her: "You deal with it, I don't want to see any meds or nutin' around the house".

    I am far from being an expert on this matter, but yeah, what she said.

  24. #24
    Member jenniferishappy's Avatar
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    would all of the girls here be ok if their wife or SO came home and decided she was going to start going around the house en male including faux facial/body hair and a zucchini down the front of their pants? walking with a male gait? going out in the garage like that to change the oil? strolling downtown?
    so obviously i dont mean just jeans and a mans button down shirt, which can still be fem/sexy on a GG. i am talking trying to look like a man by deploying all of the things that normally separate us to the casual observer: both dress and behaviors? because that is kind of what a lot of us do, not just clothes.
    i have never really contemplated this, but at first though it has zero appeal.
    Happiness is a choice.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenniferishappy View Post
    would all of the girls here be ok if their wife or SO came home and decided she was going to start going around the house en male including faux facial/body hair and a zucchini down the front of their pants? walking with a male gait? going out in the garage like that to change the oil? strolling downtown?
    so obviously i dont mean just jeans and a mans button down shirt, which can still be fem/sexy on a GG. i am talking trying to look like a man by deploying all of the things that normally separate us to the casual observer: both dress and behaviors? because that is kind of what a lot of us do, not just clothes.
    i have never really contemplated this, but at first though it has zero appeal.
    I would have absolutely no problem with that. To me something like this isn't a reason to stop loving someone or stop giving support. She'll get all my support for whatever she wants to do.
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