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Thread: Telling before or after marriage?

  1. #26
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    I didn't tell my wife til after two years of marriage, so I certainly can't get on anyone's case for not telling. Like you, I didn't understand myself and thought it might go away. That said, I wish I had understood myself better and had the courage to tell her before we married. When I finally told her, a large part of her problem was not that I dressed, but that I didn't tell her -- she felt that in a way I had lied to her -- and it took a long time to regain her trust. For five years after coming out, that issue about not telling her would periodically come up, particularly when she was stressed or angry about something else. It is only in the last few years where I feel that we've gotten over that part.

    Still, I can't say what would have happened if I had told her before we were married. If she got freaked out about it enough to not see me for a week or two, would she have decided to make a clean break or would she have realized that it wasn't a big deal and we would have started off our marriage with a better understanding of each other? Things are great now: we live in a nice area, have two wonderful kids, and are generally happy. Would these things have come to pass if I had told her before marriage? There's no way to know for sure. As you can see, there is regret about not telling her but also some relief since it did work out in the end.

    However, when I weigh the pros and cons, I would recommend that all CDs tell their fiances/spouses as soon as possible, preferably before they are married. And if you choose to marry someone without telling, at least marry someone who might be open to the idea. Don't marry someone who only likes you because you are such a macho stud muffin!

  2. #27
    Rebecca Ras's Avatar
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    I would say best to tell before hand. Even though she may love you...she may not want to deal with the CD issues and not move forward.

  3. #28
    Worlds Prettiest Dad!!! Jocelyn Quivers's Avatar
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    I believe each persons circumstances and case is unique in whether to tell or not. For me I was older and had time to grow up and learn everything about myself before marriage. So I was comfortable enough with myself to tell my wife before marriage.

    The case might have been different if I were younger during my early 20's when I was still in the "I will cure myself of this and I am not a cross dresser phase." During those days I would not have told because I had genuinely convinced myself that I could stop cross dressing. So therefore there was no need for me to tell anyone.

    Luckily it wasn't until my late 20's that I met my future wife and had time to learn to accept this side of me.
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  4. #29
    Gold Member sherri52's Avatar
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    Keri I agree with you that you should tell your So but for a slightly different reason. A large percentage of us that have told our wives later in the marriage either got divorced or became reclusive and dove even further into the closet than we were in order to save the marriage. In turn those that went deeper into the closet have the pain and suffering of having to stay there when they want to get out so badly. I say tell your SO before getting married, If the relationship goes further then it is a good life for both of you. If the relationship breaks up which I hope it doesn't then you don't have as much time in the relationship and still have time to start another relationship without the hardship of divorce.
    Put a little lipstick on you'll feel better

  5. #30
    Dr. Girlfriend AmandaM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    I agree. Prior to the internet. But anyone 30 or younger has enough resources to have become more self-aware. There is no reason for younger TGs not to tell their fiancees now. And younger GGs also have all the resources available to hopefully dismiss any preconceived biases.
    This would of course, depend on the individuals' ability to self-diagnose.

  6. #31
    Shananigan's SO CamilleLeon's Avatar
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    I think that in most cases it's always better to tell your future wife beforehand. Crossdressing is more than just a fetish for a lot of us...it's a part of who we are and to marry her without her knowing who you are could lead to a lot of pain and misunderstanding
    "It makes no difference whether the voices in their transformations have each other to depend on or not. Smooth them out on the whetstone of the universe (tian), use them to go by and let the stream find its own channels; this is the way to live out your years. Forget the years, forget duty, be shaken into motion by the limitless, and so find things their lodging-places in the limitless." ~Zhuangzi

    "everyone here hates everyone here for doing the same thing that they do." - Less Than Jake

  7. #32
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    3 things u MUST tell your fiance!

    1. You're homeless and live in your car.

    2. You're hooked on Jack, coke, or heroin!

    3. You're one of the following: gay, bi, tg or a cd!

    The OTHER "important" stuff can wait until after you're married!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  8. #33
    Shananigan's SO CamilleLeon's Avatar
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    Well two out of three isn't bad...I guess I should tell my girlfriend about my crystal meth addiction...
    "It makes no difference whether the voices in their transformations have each other to depend on or not. Smooth them out on the whetstone of the universe (tian), use them to go by and let the stream find its own channels; this is the way to live out your years. Forget the years, forget duty, be shaken into motion by the limitless, and so find things their lodging-places in the limitless." ~Zhuangzi

    "everyone here hates everyone here for doing the same thing that they do." - Less Than Jake

  9. #34
    New Member Wallflower's Avatar
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    I told her before. We were in our early 20s. I dropped the bomb while we were in a long distance relationship, not cool. She sort of freaked. I was very protective of the information but she insisted that she had to seek an opinion form a friend. The friend that she chose was quite wise, advised her that she either accepts it as a part of me that will not go away, or not accept the package at all. It all worked out. I knew from early on that this was not something that was going to go away.

  10. #35
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    I got married for the second time back in 1994, when the internet was pretty much an AOL domain. The information highway was still a gravel road. It was shortly after I married that I got online and began learning that there were others like me. The first site I saw was Yvonne's place for Crossdressers. She was the first person ever to answer the questions I had that sometimes this guy wants to be one of the girls. She said to me, "Lots of guys do."

    So I didn't tell my wife that I crossdressed. I was afraid. I was scared. I had little or no self-acceptance of this, and I still have some problems with that even now. But I didn't tell her, for whatever reason, and it did cause problems when it worked its way into the light. But we're still married, and I think, still very much in love. So although it did its damage, it didn't sink my ship. I'm still not at liberty to be real open with her about it, but I'm not divorced and living on the curb, either.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


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  11. #36
    Senior Member Glenda58's Avatar
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    I didn't tell my first wife and when she found out after 18 yrs she left me. The second I told after we were married 5 months She was mad that I didn't tell first. She was ok with it for 4yrs when she found all my cloths. Made me get rid of everything and was talking about leaving me. Over time she just stayed but didn't trust me again. Then she got sick I had to take care of her she wanted to work it out so I could dress again. She didn't get better and before she passed away she made me promise to tell anyone that I was getting serious about to them. I have kept that promise and my knew wife knows but still doesn't like it. But she did say yes and married me.
    GLENDA
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  12. #37
    Tennessee girl TeriAnn's Avatar
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    I told my wife after five years of marriage and she was as accepting then and still is today if not more so. I love my wife and am glad she has accepted me for who I am
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Nothing beats a great pair of heels...

  13. #38
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    I told my late wife about my CD activities when I proposed to her in January of 1955. She asked me if I wanted to become a woman! I told that I had no desire to be a woman, that I just liked to dress like one. Her response was to kiss me and tell me me that she would marry me and help me dress!

    49 plus years later when she passed away, I lost the best wife any man could have. I am a firm believer in telling before marriage, because otherwise you are living a lie! You cannot be a CD and be married without your wife knowing! To do so is simply living a lie, which will most likely hurt both of you at some time! We have seen the results here on the Forum!!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  14. #39
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    Love / Hate

    Hi Keri
    It was shortly after it started out kinda as a joke
    then she was not to happy--fast forward 45yrs. later
    it's a Love / Hate relationship I Love it & she Hates it
    she tolerates it but it's a don't ask don't tell thinggie.
    .
    Orchid

  15. #40
    Silver Member Teri Jean's Avatar
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    Kari you have had so much help here and what I have to offer is nothing new but here it is anyway. I was married for 35 yrs and throughout it there was CDing moments for which were more sexually gratifying for me than my wife. It wasn't until she passed in an accident that the real issues of CDing and later TS desires come into view. Now today there has been a few women I felt attracted to and since I have came out full time with a desire to transition they were told this and the interest faded.

    Letting them know of your desires to CD or in my case to go further is the only honest way to proceed. If they continue with plans for a life with you it is in full knowledge. As you have read here, there are some women who have no issue with CDing and support that side of their spouse. Your SO may be one of those rare women, I hope she is for your sake.

    Teri

  16. #41
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    before or after is not the real question, I think. whatever you have to share, it must come out when you are ready, strong and confident about it.

    I belong to the group without internet education who could find help only in the Encyclopedia Britannica or other academic work. Nothing better to feel like a obsessed sexual deviant.

    All my attempts to come out were botched confessions with poor timing, so much was the desire to be honest. all were dismissed as temporary fantasies or not taken seriously, or lost in neverland for the crisis that followed made me hide deeper or believe I would cure myself.

    working on the next one as we speak...

    Sonia

  17. #42
    Member Jamie Burton's Avatar
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    I was able to work up the courage to tell my wife while we were still engaged. She was upset that I hadn't told her before we were engaged but at the time I had thought (as so many have, as I've read) that I wouldn't need to dress if I was seriously going to get married. Luckily, I realized that wasn't true before vows were exchanged.

    Since then, she's been supportive and understanding and we're still together after sixteen years. I tend to dress in private still, mainly because of the kids, not around her, but she's seen me all done up in the past and will in the future.

    I'm all for letting anyone in a serious relationship with someone who is in any manner transgendered know once both parties realize they're in a serious relationship.

  18. #43
    Member Danica's Avatar
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    I think you should reveal this important part of yourself before marriage, in fact I think the honest discussion should happen early in a relationship, when it appears to be getting serious. My ex-wife knew about my dressing before we married but never really accepted it. I didn't realize how truly lonely I was in this part of my life until we divorced 26 years later. I am now in a new relationship with my beautiful girlfriend, who, at the risk of losing, I told about my cding early on. Not only was she happy that I was honest with her about such a personal matter, she has accepted me as I am and is a fully supportive and willing participant in this and all other aspects of my life. I am lonely no more and I believe telling her about my cding has played a big part in that.

  19. #44
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    The Secret

    I have never been able to keep a secret.......yeah......I had a deep dark secret, that I never told another living soul for 30 years. I just knew I was alone in the world with my desires. From age 4, I used to go to that special drawer and get out that Bra....I can still imagine the look and feel. I didn't ever tell anyone.

    Thank God for age! wife and I were working on a wilderness cabin and I was sweating....not from heat...I wanted to tell her I wanted to wear her panties. She was so sweet! she got me a black 38C bra and a blond wig and we had fun! Then she heard the dirty word "transvestite" and she got really, really cool to the idea. She never got angry.

    A bottle wine, kids in bed, I was allowed limited freedom. I have owned a bra since the first day I told her. She bought it. I've bought several.(LOL) Things were cool for a long while. I suffered for the wonderful feel of softness.

    I got her drunk in the high arctic once and I stayed dressed all night. (OH I was sick) I have not been drunk since. I now let her know that a dress is much more relaxing.

    I am writing this because many of us need to let the SO know what dressing does for us!
    I am 66 now, I have a irregular heart beat, not supposed to get upset. Dressing is the most relaxing thing I can do! My wife of 43 years now knows that.

    This weekend we discussed my fem name Wendi Emme Thomas. She was cool. I can't wait for her to call me Emme as In "M".

    My sister in law was concerned that my character on the Wii game is a woman. I said i have tried to tell you I am part girl...she just don't get it. Everyone in the family knows...they have only seen pictures....wife says I look better than most of the pictures, Gotta Love that woman!

    BOTTOM LINE: try to get the SO to understand how important this thing is to you. we are not sick..we are wired differently than our hairy cousins the "real Men"

    OH iIdon't want to be like that.

    I clean house...in a dress....I feed horses...in a dress....no dress...no work...LOL

    I do not do man work in my girl clothes...I don't want to mess them up.

    Enough

    Get you point across It may take some time!

    Love to all of you!!! this forum is wonderful.
    If you feel the need to explain yourself. Smile and Educate. Be proud of who you are!

    ."ALWAYS, SIT, SPIN, AND TUCK ONE FOOT BEHIND THE OTHER....NEVER CROSS YOUR LEGS"

    Emme as in "M"

  20. #45
    So Cal Nicole Bishop's Avatar
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    Marriage ??? No thanks.. After the grief they have caused me throughout my 47 years I now believe in 3 year renewable leases as it keeps them in line . Remember they didnt make prozac for men.
    George Zimmerman says "youll like the way you look" and he is right I do!

  21. #46
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
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    Wonderful responses everyone!!!! Just to be clear I have been married for 15 years but I did not tell her until 6 months ago. I know that honesty is a huge part of marriage probably the most important right next to respect.
    We are working on rebuilding my trust with my wife and I am trying to be 100% forthright with her, telling her what she wants to know and trying not to overstep my boundaries that we are still in the process of making.

    I love my wife and I am sorry for entering into marriage without knowing myself (I was 24) or for that matter trusting her with a secret that should have been revealed before we married. (I am not sorry for our results of a wonderful family and our relationship together) for the most part we have had a wonderful marriage. I only hope to continue for what I hope is the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

    Yes I made a mistake that I cannot change I can only try to rebuild the parts that I have damaged from this point on. I am sure I will screw up somewhere along the way but hopefully not to bad. My wife is wonderful at being able to forgive me (more than I thought) My wife is really trying to understand me although she has not seen me dressed and has no desire to ever participate. Someday I hope to reach a place in our lives that this will just be viewed as something that her husband just does and we live our lives as normally as any other couple.

  22. #47
    Transman Andy66's Avatar
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    I agree with you, Keri. How are you supposed to tell your wife about something you don't even know yourself? I think the sneaky liars who know full well and still keep it a secret are contemptible, but I don't think you fall into that category.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kerigirl2009 View Post
    My wife is really trying to understand me although she has not seen me dressed and has no desire to ever participate. Someday I hope to reach a place in our lives that this will just be viewed as something that her husband just does and we live our lives as normally as any other couple.
    Give her time and plenty of love. It's probably confusing for her. We all (hopefully) change and evolve throughout our lives. Who knows what the future might hold?

  23. #48
    Cute and Southern Fried KerryLynn's Avatar
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    Well Said. If you cant accept yourself for who you are how can you expect others too. In most cases it is probbley better to tell you SO as soon as possible but if your still holding it in, or in denile tell them when you have come to terms with it. I hope things work out and all happyiness and prayers to you and yours.

    Merry Christmas
    Last edited by Shelly Preston; 01-01-2010 at 04:13 PM. Reason: tags removed
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  24. #49
    Member Myst's Avatar
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    I'd say that honesty is the best policy. If you can be up front and honest from the beginning, that's great - go for it! Unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everybody.

    My situation might be a bit different as I am not married, but I have been in a comitted relationship for several years. In the beginning, crossdressing was something I hadn't done in years; I had no desire, not even a hint to do so. Up to that point, the furthest I ever went was bras, panties, pantyhose.

    While the relationship progressed, the feelings started to come back. By this time, we were living together for about a month when I told her of what I used to do and how I was starting to feel (again). She was upset claiming that I lied and decieved her even though I tried to explain to her that these feelings had only recently come back.

    We don't live together anymore, and my basic desires have crossed over completely into full-blown dressing up - and I know that if she ever found out then that would be the end of it. In my mind, I haven't done anything wrong but she still blames me. So the question begs, how can you tell someone about C/D'ing when you don't even know it yourself???

    Kerigirl2009, I agree with you and I hope everything works out for you now that you've come to know yourself better.

  25. #50
    Super Moderator DAVIDA's Avatar
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    Strictly speaking for myself, I told Jean the day I proposed. I was 35 at the time and had never even mentioned it to anyone, ever. I knew her for ten years, and we had recently gotten back together.
    It was the hardest thing that I had ever done. I thought that it was something that I HAD to do. I knew that I would not change and I had to give her the choice whether or not to be a part of that "lifestyle".
    When I told her, there was no hesitation when she said "So?".
    It was Jean who helped me realise that I am not broke. She is the best thing that could have happened to me.
    I do have to give cudos to this forum for the fact that I have an outlet of "my kind"!
    When I first joined here I was definately still in the closet, I just had company. There are several friends who know and support me. Along with both sisters and my mother.
    So I guess that is a yes vote for telling "before".

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