Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 53

Thread: Telling before or after marriage?

  1. #1
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Minneapolis,MN
    Posts
    803

    Telling before or after marriage?

    Lately, I have been seeing a lot of negative comments from some of us crossdressers about how we should feel guilty for NOT TELLING our future wives about our crossdressing before we committed for a lifetime.

    Well for me I chose to wait because I was hoping to stop completely and go to my grave without ever telling anyone. Why would I tell anyone without actually accepting this part of my life while at the same time thinking I can control this and not have to out myself (I mean why take the chance of ruining a future because of my past)

    Well years later I accepted the inevitable I AM A CROSSDRESSER. Now what do I do well I should be honest with my wife so I told her but after nearly 15 years of marriage.

    For a lot of you that have told your wife before you where husband and wife I am suspecting that you married when you where older or are on your 2nd or 3rd relationship. (allowing for more experience in life and self understanding) So congratulations on being honest before marriage. But how can one be honest with their future wife when they are not quite sure if what they are doing is just a phase or even wrong in the first place.

    Now I need to have patience and understanding for my wife as she is just discovering what I have gone through in my life. It took me years and years to learn to accept this side of me and I suspect it will take my wife just as long if mot longer to accept.

    This is the choice that I was forced to make because I knew that I loved my wife before I was married however I was not able to accept my crossdressing until I was older and wiser. Sure if I had been able to accept before I was married it would have only been fair to tell her before she joined me for a lifetime together. But at the time of my marriage I did not accept that I was a lifetime crossdresser, but once I accepted that this is me (both male and female sides) it was my obligation to her to be honest with her.

    So to tell her before marriage or after it depends on weather you have been able to accept yourself as a crossdresser prior to marriage? For me I cicn't accept me but I knew in my heart that I loved my wife and still do.

    What is your opinion? and do you agree with me?


    So

  2. #2
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    San Francisco Area
    Posts
    11,686
    You make a good point Keri. As we all know that hindsight is much better than foresight. As we also know, the internet, instant access to varied sources of information, forums like this one which have not been around all that long make it so much easier for more people to be informed about the whole range of LGBT world sooner rather than later. It is also true that we see today new members that are so relieved to find this site to be able to unload their issues and learn from others. I am a believer of telling prior to committing to a long term relationship and commitment. I just hope that I can practice what I profess when the time comes.

  3. #3
    We all have our dreams... AmiFL's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Gulf Coast of Florida
    Posts
    710

    Before

    I told before...... and found out where I stood... She hated it, but married me anyway. She'd burst if she knew I was here......

  4. #4
    Female Spirit Bernadina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,466
    Before and it was the best thing I ever did. She has been fully supportive since day one. Suspect it would have been a disaster to tell her after the fact.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #5
    Just an everyday girl Karen564's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    2,729
    It's a good point Keri,

    And I can understand how you felt before saying the I do's...

    I felt the same way before I said mine too, and thought my feelings for feeling like a woman inside would go away in time, and all I needed was a good woman/wife to make a real man out of me.....Well, that didn't work out too well for me... after the 5 years of courtship, then 20 years of marriage plus 2 children from that...proved to be a waste of time, BUT I will never regret having brought in 2 beautiful children into the world....they are priceless to me & I love them more than life itself.....

    I did fully know that I was a transsexual from day 1, but honestly didn't know enough about it back then, like I didn't know that my inner feelings would get stronger & stronger in time, which was just the opposite from what I originally thought would happen ,I had figured they would fade in time, boy was I wrong!!!, but God knows that I tried with all my might to fight it, but over many years, it just wore me down to a nub till nothing was left..

    In the end, all I knew was when the dust settled after the divorce was over, I would never make the same mistake twice..and that I could never give back my wife all the years she spent with me..

    Last edited by Karen564; 12-29-2009 at 02:45 AM.
    [SIZE=3]Karen[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=2]I really do have the...Right To Be Wrong.. [/SIZE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkSTG...eature=channel [SIZE=2]and my mistakes will make me strong![/SIZE]

    [SIZE=2]Just call out my name...and I'll come running...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SxTo...eature=related just lovin classic JT again...[/SIZE]

  6. #6
    GG ReineD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    21,377
    Quote Originally Posted by Kerigirl2009 View Post
    What is your opinion? and do you agree with me?
    I agree. Prior to the internet. But anyone 30 or younger has enough resources to have become more self-aware. There is no reason for younger TGs not to tell their fiancees now. And younger GGs also have all the resources available to hopefully dismiss any preconceived biases.
    Reine

  7. #7
    Mostly Harmless...
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    1,121
    I'd say that one should tell as soon as possible be it before marriage or after marriage because you yourself didn't simply know about it. I think the wife deserves to know about this as it's still a big part of your character.

    Myself, I "told" my wife after we had gotten married. I wouldn't really call it telling as in the end she was there when it totally started and I was using her clothes(with her permission, of course). So she has been tagging along through my whole process so she knows about it as much as I do.
    I look like a Girl
    With Makeup on my Face
    In Reality
    A cute Kitty I am!

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member helena.gcd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    spain
    Posts
    615
    well, now i'm single and i haven't met a girl that i would like to date but, anyway, i've been thinking about outing to the next girlfriend i have (hope it is soon, i've been alone for two years and now i feel ready to begin a new relationship).
    I think that, now that i have accepted who i am, i will tell her about Helena when i feel that the relationship is getting serious, when i feel that i want to spend my whole life with her.
    it is not only that she deserves to know who she is marrying, it is that i want to enjoy every bit of my life with her, and CDing is a very important bit of me.

    then, when that moment comes, i hope i'll be brave enough to tell her and don't procrastinate.

  9. #9
    Member Samantha Girl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Jersey for 33 yrs, Now Vancouver, Washington!
    Posts
    317
    I personally think it's better to tell your girl before marriage.

    That's what I did. That doesn't mean I'm better than you or special. I just couldn't go on lying. Again, I don't judge. I was deathly afraid to tell my girl, I totally understand. I knew this is a part of who I am, and I couldn't ask her to marry me until she knew everything.

    I've also noticed in a lot of CD coming out stories SOs get very upset/hung up on the deception more so than the actual CDing. My girl was more upset about the lying as well.

    I know it's not a simple thing to come out to your SO, but for me, I had to. It was a trust/honesty issue for me
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] x o x o x o Samantha Girl!!! * remember girls, sexiness is a state of mind!!!

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member Jenniferpl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    794
    I came out to my wife after we were married. While we were dating, I was not even thinking about about cross dressing. I thought it was a thing of the past, part of my youth growing up. Since it was not as issue, there was no need to bring it up.

  11. #11
    Is it just me or......... Carroll's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    near Cortland, NY
    Posts
    2,257
    Told my wife on our first date
    Drumming, My other hobby

  12. #12
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    7,094
    Told my wife a year or two after.
    And like some, I was not thinking of CD'ing for a while.

    You know the drill, we have all seen it, CD meets girl. CD thinks he can quit and be a man and all that. Then the CD'ing comes back. Then the "why didn't you tell me?"

    I don't know, Some people will always be like "how come you didn't tell me sooner?"

    Well, being more TS, it is kind of evident from the sight that I am TG, I often hear "is that a guy or a girl?" So be it, but for myself and many, we don't exactly intro ourselves with, "Hello, my name is John but I sometimes go by Jane when I am dressed as a woman".

    Also, there are 3 big levels of knowing a person - Knowing they exist, knwing their personality, and the big one - knowing what they are like to live with.
    I think a lot of guys go into marriage not knowing serious things about their wives, like if she is particularly bad with money, or has some crazy ex, or what her family is like. YET, you don't hear a guy saying, (mocks whiny voice) "I wish she had told me that she cannot manage money, that she cannot stand cleaning house, etc..."

    But of course that is a different story, none of those things matter, but GOD FORBID if they guy is a CD.
    Last edited by Nicole Erin; 12-29-2009 at 07:42 AM.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  13. #13
    Member FanciJewel's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Northeast Ohio
    Posts
    117
    When I got married there was no internet, no forum, no way to easily know about other CD'ers. It felt terribly lonely. Telling my wife at that time was much more risky. I had no way to find support and no way to learn. My wife and I were discussing the subject of do-overs a few nights ago. I told her that one thing that I would do over is to tell her early on, before we wed. If she would have said good-bye, I would have gone on to the next thing. If she would have stayed, I would have had so many more years of open CD'ing. Fanci

  14. #14
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    South Western PA
    Posts
    24,704
    Oh yeah! I totally agree... 34 years ago I didn't even know I was a crossdresser... I figured I was just a run of the mill pervert. Hahaha
    Current Obsession - Breasts and Lingerie!

    .......My Photos

  15. #15
    Member LisaElizabeth's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    302
    Geez Karen, you and your honey and me and my honey have been married about the same amount of time!!! 34 years this coming May for us. Been 35 years since I told my wife!! She married me anyway!
    I guess it's all in whether you can discuss things rationally and honestly and how deep your relationship goes. I figure ours must be pretty deep. As we look back, being a CD seems like one of the smaller problems we have had to face in our 33+ years of marriage!!
    I guess it's all in your perspective! remember when you are up to your butt in alligators it's hard to remember your main objective was to drain the swamp!!
    Lisa E

  16. #16
    Member Laura_Stephens's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Southern Ohio
    Posts
    450
    If.......

    I could live my life over again,
    I knew then what I know now,

    I would tell her before hand.

    Finding after we were married was not fair to her or to me.

  17. #17
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    25,347
    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha Girl View Post
    I've also noticed in a lot of CD coming out stories SOs get very upset/hung up on the deception more so than the actual CDing. My girl was more upset about the lying as well.

    This is right in a lot of cases. It's not the cding that causes the main problem but, the being lied to and the feeling of not being trusted.

    Say sommat before things get serious, let her do some research and most of all talk to her about it.
    Sandra
    Administrator

    I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs

    R.I.P Rianna

  18. #18
    Silver Member AKAMichelle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,857
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferpl View Post
    I came out to my wife after we were married. While we were dating, I was not even thinking about about cross dressing. I thought it was a thing of the past, part of my youth growing up. Since it was not as issue, there was no need to bring it up.
    Ditto.

    In my earlier years, I thought I could beat it / purge it away. Those failed attempts taught me about what crossdressing really was to me. Until I discovered my real identity, I wasn't ready or able to tell anyone else.

    Now I believe that telling others is very important in your relationship. Hiding things from your spouse only breeds insecurity and distrust.
    Michelle

  19. #19
    Mina minalost's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Small town USA
    Posts
    550

    Crossdresser? What's that?

    I have to agree with both Keri and Kerren. When I got married 28 years ago there was no internet. I hadn't even heard the term Crossdresser. I just thought that I had a "womans underwear fetish" and that it would go away after I got married.

    I do believe that I would have told her before we got married IF I had understood the realities of crossdressing better.

    I absolutly believe that we should tell potential spouses before marrage.

    Oh well, 20/20 hindsight...
    Mina Lost aka Lynda

  20. #20
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    4,235

    a lot has changed

    The level of connection and information exchange in the past decade is truly astounding in that it is, in our world, simply part of life. That exposure to different lifestyles and opinions has begun a radical shift of attitude about acceptance or, at least, understanding.

    First, it is easier to know that a significant part of the population have interests to a greater or lesser degree in experiencing/living in the other gender. Not being alone certainly makes a major difference.

    Second, the fact that a significant portion of the population is transgendered is rapidly becoming more widely known. The shock value is diminishing.

    This environment didn't exist even 20 years ago, and I think it's totally understandable that bringing up one's transgenderism to a potential spouse was very much less than easy! Adding the expectations that marriage would make the transgenderism evaporate made this conversation even less likely.

    So, are we coming to the day when every potential spouse, of either gender, asks as a matter of course, "are you at all transgendered?".

    Isn't that really the answer to this issue? Shouldn't every couple simply expect to have this conversation?

    I hope so.

    Lastly, if I had had that conversation I would have answered, truthfully, "no." I would have pointed out my empathy for feminine issues and ideals (actually, I did at the time). My spouse certainly knew how I acted toward woman. Did I know that after 32 years of marriage I would be walking in front of my wife in heels, stockings, panties and...well...all the rest? Not a chance! Yet here I am, and my wife is the one who insisted I needed a dress to go with the outfit! Maybe if she had asked if I was at all transgendered, Tina would have existed much sooner!

    tina

  21. #21
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    6,608
    Quote Originally Posted by Kerigirl2009 View Post
    So to tell her before marriage or after it depends on weather you have been able to accept yourself as a crossdresser prior to marriage?
    I told her soon after we were married in 1975, due to a dress-up session that occurred.

    We had a short courtship so CDing didn't even enter my mind before we were married. We were both in the Army, and the opportunity to dress wasn't there at the time.

    Like many of us, the dressing can come and go, and it just happened that the dressing was gone at the time.

    So it wasn't about accepting my self, as I never felt guilty about it, but instead was more of an out of sight out of mind time period.
    Last edited by DonnaT; 12-29-2009 at 11:28 AM.
    DonnaT

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member Nicola2876's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    England
    Posts
    558
    I like most married crossdressers thought it would go away but it doesn't. Soon I was in skirts and heels everytime I was alone and I have been ever since. I came home early today and she is out with my daughter so here I am on this forum wearing a black skirt, black tights and high heels and loving every second of it!!

  23. #23
    Member paulaluvssz8's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    216
    Wow!! How well put. Many of you have the same story as me. I got married at the age of 18. And I thought that I had a thing for panties. Didn't understand it. I don't understand it all even still. So it would have been hard to explain my love for the feel of women's clothes, when I thought I was like Karen. Thought I was just a pervert... LoL
    No, those are my Panties]

  24. #24
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Minneapolis,MN
    Posts
    803
    I do like the responses, most of them to me sound genuine and honest. I believe that if I knew in my heart that the desire would go away forever I would have never told my wife (before she was my wife) but once I accepted that HEY this is me both sides it was my responsibility to tell her everything. (this sounds like what most of us believe) and I think it is admirable that most of us think this way.
    I do have a guilty feeling for entering into marriage before I was all knowing about myself but I did know an important thing about myself ( i loved this woman) because of the way she made me feel and how she made me want to be a better person. I love what has happened since I have been her husband and a father to our children. If I knew then I would have been honest with myself and told her before marriage.
    Crossdressing does not go away, as I think most of us hoped it would. When the realization of this is reality then we need to be honest with our wives.

    It sounds to me that a lot of us where lucky to have found the women that we love so understaning or at least willing to try and accept this side of us.

  25. #25
    Girlygirl Tomboy Wannabee Toni_Lynn's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    1,006
    I can relate to experiences of both the before and after.

    With my first marriage, one that I am thankful was ill-fated, I told my ex-wife right after I asked for a divorce. After all the abuse from her, both physical and emotional, had gotten too much, I asked for divorce. It hit her like a tonne of bricks and the next few weeks before I moved out where surreal. We had our first real conversations in months and I told her at that time, figuring that things couldn't get worse. They didn't. They lead to making a bad situation, that of the wait until my new apartment would be available, tolerable. She understood, She was empathetic.

    Now when I say that I am thankful that it was ill-fated, I mean it. For I found the courage in me to stand up for who I am, and it set me on the road to finding the woman that I madly in love with, who is now my wife and totally accepts me. In fact, as early as a year later, I was in Silk and Satin in Vancouver BC and bought some menswear style panties (since I like girls in boys undies) there and told the SA that they were for my fiance. Fast forward 10 years, and I gave them, unworn and stored away, to the woman who was --- my fiance - -and who became my wife -- who by the way -- is from BC. BTW -- I'm from the other coast, so BC is a long way away. We may have even passed each other on the street that day -- I was on holiday. Who know. The romantic in me says we did.

    As to my ex -- again -- thankful it was ill-fated as it allowed her to find out about herself, and that is the fact that she is a lesbian. So it worked out well for both of us.

    I know that I never could have told her before, for I too thought that I could go deep stealth.

    As to the before, well, a cold Sunday around the beginning of December 2005. My heart was bursting with love for this woman I'd met on line, been emailing 3 and 4 times a day, talking to several times a week, and was about to meet face to face at Christmas. GULP! And so out came the words like a waterfall, as did the tears. And literally, just like in the movie Ed Wood, she paused a minute, and said -- Okay.

    Had she said no -- well -- I don't want to think about it. All I can say is that while life isn't a bed of roses every day, it sure as all hell doesn't suck! In fact, its pretty darn good, as I sit here in denim skirt, sweater, and nails bright red.

    Huggles

    Toni-Lynn
    --I'm TN (transnationalist) - a Canadian born in an American's body! I stand on guard for thee!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State