Guilt by Association

[AllieSummers]

Hi Girls,

Sorry I haven't posted much lately but I've been really more absorbed in my meetup group, blog and writing for URNotAlone.com.

I do need to vent a little and maybe get some input if you don't mind.

I've got 11 days in a row off for the holidays. This is something that only happens once a year. I've worked 6 days a week, 70 hour weeks, 12 nights a month in a hotel room traveling for 5 straight years.

Well since I had the time off I had big plans to express myself as much as possible. I wanted to get my first laser treatment on my beard, go out to the mall dress and spend a couple of entire days en femme.

Well my plans just haven't worked out.

My family was in town for Christmas but that wasn't going to interfere with any of my plans.

Here is what happened. My nephew, which I rarely get to see, was also in town visiting his father (my brother) for Christmas too. He stayed with us so we could spend some time together. Well he was supposed to leave on Monday but my wife talked his family into letting him stay with us all week (without talking to me first).

As you can imagine I wasn't too happy with the fact that this was going to put a big kink in my plans but I also wanted to spend more time with him so I gave in. I figured that we could take him home today (Wednesday) and still have time to do my other stuff.

Well my wife got pissed off at me for objecting to him staying ALL week. She acted like I was only thinking about myself. Now, I am the last person on this Earth that can be accused of being selfish. As I mentioned I work my ass off to provide for my family. I also was willing to have him stay most of the week and drive him two hours home and have to drive two hours back so he could stay.

I only really get to dress 2-4 times for a total of maybe 10 hours each month. That means that I spend 500 hours a month (not counting sleeping time where I dream about being dressed a lot) that I wish I was able to express my true self and only 10 hours that I can actually do it. Is that selfish?

Well, as it turns out I'm not going to be able to get my laser treatment or go out to the mall dressed and I might only get to go out this Saturday night (if I'm lucky).

She told me the other night that she didn't want to talk about any of those things any more. She totally shut me down. I think she intentionally ask my nephew to stay all week to sabotage my plans.

Ok...now to the point...

My wife has been very supportive over the past 8 months since I came out to her. Not perfect but pretty good. I have a lot of rules and lines in the sand that have been drawn but overall I think things were heading the right direction.

Lately she is acting really weird and I think I know why.

One of my best friends in the world (also one of her good friends) just got Facial Feminization Surgery and a Boob Job this past Monday morning. I think that my wife is starting to get worried about me taking things a lot further. I mean, she might be thinking that if my best friend did it then I'll want to go and do this stuff too.

I don't know what to do. I can't convince her that going part of the way doesn't mean you are going to go all the way. I wold love to get rid of my beard. I would love to be able to express my true self more often but I would never consider getting SRS or doing hormones or anything like that.

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that all my hard work and patience is going to go right down the drain.

Any ideas?

Kisses,

Allie

[LisaM]

Allie,

I understand both sides.

Your wife has reason to be worried. I know you say it is just getting rid of your beard but a lot of people 'start' doing the same thing. I have spent over 100 hours in electrolysis and I have 100 more at a minimum.

Like you, I say I don't want to go any further because I love my SO and want to keep us together but that doesn't mean I don't think about it every day.

The more your wife sees you with friends who are going 'further' the more she will worry. My SO began to worry less when all of my friends transitioned and slid into oblivion. I rarely, if ever, see them and that makes my SO worry less because she senses a sort of peer pressure to take another step.

Read other blogs and you will see that many of them talk about peer pressure for TS's to go further.

I have also read that there are many spouses who initially are very accepting and then eventually turn against our dressing---some of them even getting divorced. I suggest that you go slowly and try to feel your way through this minefield by giving your wife some more time before going for laser.

[Karen564]

I think your right on the money about her fears now, she obviously doesn't want you doing what your friend did...
I think all you can do is have a long talk with her about how you feel about it, and drive that home to her.
She does have a good reason for feeling the way she does, because there's many Transgendered that do take it farther & farther with their wives support and then after everything is done either leaves the wife or the wife comes to realize she doesn't want a woman in exchange for her husband and leaves..
It's a very rare occurance when it's a happy ending for both.

[azcdinhose]

Allie, I think you answered your own question. If she has seen your best friend transition farther than you ever intend she is probably uncertain that you will adhere to the guidelines you've set up. Also, and I understand you aren't selfish, but you do need to remember she married a man that has a family commitment, holidays are full of family too, so maybe she was exercising her position a little to see if she could get you "back in line". Bottom line is sit down and communicate with her. Otherwise it might escalate and have a negetive impact on your ability to express yourself freely.

Just my

Hugs.

[Fab Karen]

Obviously it involves communication- maybe say to her that even if you weren't a CD you'd prefer not to have to constantly shave, as well as emphatically saying you have no desire to alter your body like that friend.

[sissystephanie]

Allie, first of all is your communication with your wife! Reading your email, it appears that there is a distinct lack of communication between you and your wife. She might approve of your CD activities, but how far will she go? You mentioned boundaries, but never have stated what they are.

It seems to me that you and your sweet wife need to sit down and have a serious conversation about your CD life. What you want to do, and what what you DO NOT want to do. I told my wife about being a CD before we married, and we had almost 50 glorious years together before she passed away! The one thing that I told her was that no matter what clothing I had on, underneath I was always her man!! Yes, I told her that more than once! Because I did not want any thoughts of changing myself to come to her! That is what you need to do with your wife. Have that conversation about the do's and don't's of your CD life. Then follow thru on it! Hope it all works out well for you and her!!!

BTW, you are one beautiful lady!!

[Aquamarine]

Hi Allie,I am a GG and wife of a mild Crossdresser...A lot of GG are in the same position, I guess , we accept your difference but we see the evolution in your crossdressing and our husbands wanting more and more as the years go...I talk for me now: I am worried about the future, I cannot help, and I worry even more when you all say( husbands and even other wives) "go slowly". I could really enjoy XD IF it was not surrounded by uncertainty. I am a big girl, I can handle the situation, I prefer to know where I am heading and decide how my future years will be and of course I hope they will be with my husband!!I have my ultimate boundary though and I told him. .. The "what is next" is a constant fear, it erodes a marriage. Talk with your wife and tell her where you WON'T go , at least she will be reassured. If you don't have the answer... talk with her anyway, you know her, it is about her personality...could she handle the fact that you might not know?..Uncertainty and poor communication could transform a supportive wife in exactly her opposite, sorry Allie and good luck.

[Stephenie S]

Yeah, what she said.

You need to be telling this stuff to HER, not us.

[AllieSummers]

I do communicate with her but I guess we need to have another heart-to-heart.

We have very clearly defined rules. I basically don't do anything without her. I try to go out regularly but only go if she can go and she is right there with me.

I am a little more than a crossdresser. Not that there is anything wrong with being a crossdresser. I really feel that my feminine side runs a lot deeper. I have don't see myself as a man that likes express his feminine side. I see myself as someone caught right in the middle.

Being right in the middle, unfortunately, is the worst place to be.

The other day my wife said that I am becoming more and more feminine as time goes on. My answer was that I've always been this way but now I am more and more comfortable with expressing my true self.

I'm just going to have to sit down and we are going to have to work out some give and take. But both of us have to be willing to give for it to be a relationship. If it is just one side giving then that isn't a relationship.

Kisses,

Allie

[FanciJewel]

Marriage is MUTUAL understanding and communication. It is not always the CD'ing husband that has to make the consessions and promote the communication to build the relationship. Once the wife has agreed to the boundries and limits or to holiday schedules and time limits, she is wrong to move the "goal posts" without clear communiction and compromise. Wives have quirks and behaviors and mannerisms and hobbies that we CD'ing husbands have to adjust to. This is not a unilateral relationship with the tenderness and understanding always going one way. If there is a clear plan she is accountable to keeping up her end of the bargin too. Fanci

[sonia_dargency]

Thanks Aquamarine for your participation in this forum, points of view of actual wives are so precious.

My focus right now with my wife is about what I can give rather than what I can get (CD or otherwise) and demonstrate that I am the man she loves.

Correct me if I am wrong but Allie's story spreads over 5 days... that is a fraction of time compared to the geological scale of relationships. I mean, this is a bump in the road, no need to panic, yet it must be addressed decisevely so it does not run out of proportions. it could also reveal unrelated underlying issues, pay attention.

Allie and girls, you must understand that being a husband is a thankless job and you choose to be one; give more, expect nothing, it will come back to you.

You would agree that being a wife is also a thankless job, that they give a lot and often don't get much in return.

Thanks again to Aquamarine

Sonia

[Karen564]

I am a little more than a crossdresser. Not that there is anything wrong with being a crossdresser. I really feel that my feminine side runs a lot deeper. I have don't see myself as a man that likes express his feminine side. I see myself as someone caught right in the middle.

Being right in the middle, unfortunately, is the worst place to be.

The other day my wife said that I am becoming more and more feminine as time goes on. My answer was that I've always been this way but now I am more and more comfortable with expressing my true self.

I'm just going to have to sit down and we are going to have to work out some give and take. But both of us have to be willing to give for it to be a relationship. If it is just one side giving then that isn't a relationship.

Kisses,

Allie

Now that you said that makes it even more clear to me why she is worried...and again, with very good reason to be too..
Maybe you better have a another look at yourself and explore your inner feelings a little deeper before you try to convince her otherwise, it could be that your not being honest with yourself, and if you cant do that, then you cant be honest with her..
I'm not going to lie to you, these feeling WILL get stronger & stronger as time passes, and then what will you say to her when that time happens....oh forget what I told you before, please forgive me because I didn't know this would happen back then....
Just saying......................It's happened more than once, and I'm speaking from experience here...I didn't see the light until I hit 44, I fought it off my whole life up till then, that was my breaking point..and the end of my marriage..

[JennaR]

Allie, wow, Please don't think I'm bashing, but you need to come down to earth girl. How can you not see how threatening this could be to your wife? I've read your posts and seen your pic's...although I might get in a little trouble from my wife, I have to say it, you clearly are he hottest babe in the forms. I hope your not falling in love with Allie and forgetting who you are. All this attention, the great makeover in Las Vegas, the clubs, what would you be thinking if you were her. Try to back off a little and reassure her that you love her more then you love Allie and you’re not going to start adding and removing parts. She seems like a hell of a woman, one that accepts you, loves you, and will be there for you long after the thrill of being the bell of the ball has past. For goodness sake, its been like eight months since all this has been dropped in her lap. Just take steps and try to put yourself in her shoes. Either way you’re still a hottie, down play it, it doesn’t matter if your right or wrong give a little on this one.

[moses]

To follow on what aquamarine said, not only do you need to tell her how far you want to go (because, quite frankly, you may not know that yet), you need to ask her to do a careful examination of her conscience and have her tell you what she would and would not be comfortable with you doing. Perhaps you could come up with a list of all of the possible things and even rank them for her. You could even make some of them very mild like "wear lipstick" or "grow long hair" with the last one on the list perhaps being "SRS" and everything else in between. And of course her reaction doesn't just have to be yes or no. It could be that she would still be your wife and stay with you with some, that your relationship would have to change with others, etc. This tool might help open up the lines of communication. Perhaps the other ladies on this forum can help you craft the list with the full range of possibilities.

[Miranda09]

Hi Allie..nice to see you around again. For what it's worth, to me it sounds like she's a littel scared that she might lose her husband eventually to a full fledged transition. Scenarios are going thru her head and she's just a bit scared now. It's up to you to be her pillar of strength right now and just reassure her that nothing like that will ever happen. I think some time, however long it takes, will be a good investment for both of you and be beneficial in the long run. I know you'll be able to work it out. I have complete confidense in you gf.

[sherri52]

Grin and bear the rest of the holiday season, take the wife out in drab and only dress the one night at home. Let her see that you don't live soley for dressing. She may loosen up a little and you ywo can get back to loving eachother. Unfortunately you lose your cd time, but it is better to keep your marriage. I'm divorced twice, I wish I did something differently if it was me. If it wasn't at least I would know I tried the best I could.

[LisaM]

Allie,

Think of all you have done this year---pictures on web pages, outings all over the place, opening up to family, writing on URNOTALONE----your SO has reason to be worried. Put yourself in her place.

[Jonianne]

.....I really feel that my feminine side runs a lot deeper. I have don't see myself as a man that likes express his feminine side. I see myself as someone caught right in the middle.

Being right in the middle, unfortunately, is the worst place to be. ......

Allie, I can see where your wife would be terrified of losing you. I also see where you are trying to give her assurance by always doing things with her around. But, it is so important to search yourself and find out who you are and what you want.

Untill then, as long as you are in any self doubt, she will be worried and rightly so.

How much love do you and she have for each other?

How far would you go if she wasn't there?

Would you be willing and could you live happily with her, not transitioning, even if you knew you were TS?

Would she be willing to take that journey with you?

Or can you confidantly say to yourself, and say to her, I know who I am. I know what I want. You can be confidant being on one side or the other or even somewhere in the middle, if that's where you belong. When you have obtained that confidance, then you will be far better equiped to assure her.

The path to gain that confidance is to first be dead level honest with yourself about your feelings. Know when your feelings come and go. Know what triggers them. Journel them, watch them change from one minute to another. In time, you will discover what your real feelings are. Second, share them and bounce them off others who you trust. Listen and 'let in' what others say and feel. For me, it took years of individual and group therapy, but I am so glad I went through it. It gave me the confidance to tell my wife about my crossdressing before I married her and to let her know where I was at with it and confidantly still am.

I wish you and yours the best!

[Sally2005]

Try asking her why she sabotaged your plans and ask her if it is because she is worried you are changing. Then just listen and let her talk...

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Allie,

Think of all you have done this year---pictures on web pages, outings all over the place, opening up to family, writing on URNOTALONE----your SO has reason to be worried. Put yourself in her place.

All that in only 8 months is not taking it slow, hell I've been involved in the online transcommunity for a decade and don't have a URnotalone column.

Allie, let me add a few more things...if I was your wife and you were my CDing husband you'd scare the hell out of me.

Why?

1 .

cross dresser/transvestite/non-op transsexual

Thats what you call yourself on URNOTALONE. If you don't know what you are, how can your wife be assured you won't do things.

2. URNOTALONE

That's where the sexed up married gals who like to flirt with guys hang out, we all know it. And don't think the wives don't know it either.

3. Your trans friends. My best guess is you hang with the club girls, and I'd lay odds that most of them have done body mods or are on hormones, yes? She might think you hang out with them because you're just like them, and eventually want to go on hormones, get a boob job etc, and be a "trans-cougar"

4. Your presentation. You make the cougar gals of the Real Housewives of the OC look staid. Frankly if I was a wife that might bother me in a "does he dress that way to get flattering comments from men" sort of way. You might think about toning it down to a GW/GG Cougar level. Geez, a simple white blouse and knee length pencil skirt can be just as or even more sexy that some sequined micro mini shows-a-lot-of-skinclub dress

Allie you really need to be honest with yourself about how you feel and then be honest with your wife. And perhaps slow down a tad.

Veronica

[stargirlGG]

Oh my....you'd scare the hell out of me too! What Veronica said....8 months is not a lot of time to process all of this and it seems like you've gone overboard getting yourself out there. And your presentation would intimidate any GG. Sounds like you've got a whole world going on and she hasn't had time to assimilate it. If you value this relationship I would suggest focusing way more attention on your wife and less on your new found world. She must be feeling very left out, alienated and scared to death.

[eluuzion]

I believe in many cases, the SO feels like they are being asked to do one/all of these options...

-"share the marriage" with an "additional" person.

- "share the marriage" with a person they did not "initially" marry.

-be an actress in the remake - home edition production of the movie "The Fly".

-Patiently support a spouse who is sending them consistantly increasing signs of their eventually departure from the relationship.

-Using the blank space, Please fill in your choice from the myriads of other signs causing her to feel she is slowly and progressively being "abandoned"...
_____________________________
_______________________________.

Well, in my experience, the greater the crisis, the more communication and re-assurance required to resolve it....

In my experience with partners and your kids...there is no such thing as re-assuring them "too much".

[kellycan27]

I have to agree that you seem to moving pretty fast with you TG activites, groups, UR not alone etc. You mention that you spend 12 nights a month away from home traveling for business. Seems like you should be able to fit some pretty good "girl" time somewhere in there? Any reason why you can't?
I am sure that a lot of the girls here would give their right......( well you get the picture) for the opportunity to be in a motel by themselves for extended periods of time. Just curious.

Kelly

[sonia_dargency]

I have to agree with all that has been said above

Women worry by nature, without realizing it we tend to fuel it and CDind is a great anxiety fuel

I have the impression that those of us who have an accepting SO are infact providing to her needs of reassurance, even if they don't realize it. their wives know that there is no need to worry, nothing is taken from them.

childish, capricious attitude is not what they expect, CD related or not.

Christmas is supposedly about giving, but not necessarily about giving to YOU.

Step back, study deeply

Sonia

[suchacutie]

The folks in this thread have stepped back and thought about all you've said. Your wife needs your support desparately. She needs security and the knowledge that she hasn't lost you. What you know in your mind and heart is not transmitted without deep and constant communication, and it's always difficult for us to see how we are communicating. We really have to, seemingly, overdo it to just break even from the point of view of the person receiving our communication.

One more thought: Our words, in our heads, are in our context. When someone else receives those words, they are taken in through THEIR context, and, thus, translated. The same happens when we listen, and if the contexts are very different the basis of misunderstanding is huge! It's not just having the conversation...it's about context and context is only made consistent by overdoing the communication.

Best of luck, but I know you can make it work!

tina