Guilt by Association

[AllieSummers]

Well, thanks for all the comments. I do appreciate it. I also appreciate the fact that some of you think I'm a little too hot for my own good. ;-)

Someone said to make sure I'm not in love with Allie and don't forget who I am or something. Well, I am Allie. That is who I really am, at least a good portion of me is Allie. If I wasn't married, was financially independent and it wouldn't hurt anyone I probably would do more...not SRS...but would do more. I have no interest in being a regular woman. I am happy with the fact (and enjoy) that I am different.

To answer a couple of questions that some of you had.

Kelly...I spend 12 night a month in a hotel but do not dress when I travel any more. One of the lines in the sand were that I would only dress with my wife present. So, that time is spent alone in a hotel room doing pretty much nothing.

Maybe a lot has happened in the last year and maybe I am moving too quick. But I do have a vision of where I want things to go for me. I have a bigger vision of how I want to help others improve their lives.

The reason that I am "all over the place" is that I'm getting my name out there so I can use it to benefit others. I am going to be writing columns in various publications both online and in print. I also want to write columns that can be sent to mainstream publications to help people understand the TG community better.

I think it is about time that we took this stuff out of the closet and into the living room of America. There has been enough hiding and enough misrepresentation of who we are by characterizing all of us as "drag queens".

I've been thinking about this a lot and I think I have a good solution. Right now I rarely get to fully dress...maybe 2 - 3 times a month. When I dress I usually only go out to clubs. Since I want to dress more and can't I tend to let it come into my male life...becoming more of a fem guy...wearing panties, pink toe nail polish, etc. just about every day.

So my thoughts are to make more time to dress all the way. But when I'm not dressed be 100% guy. No toe nail polish or panties, etc. Maybe she will get her "fix" by seeing me in total guy mode more and she'll see that she isn't losing that side of me. When I'm in girl mode I'll be 100% girl and do it more often so it will be better for me too.

How does that sound to you guys?

Kisses,

Allie

[kellycan27]

Maybe a lot has happened in the last year and maybe I am moving too quick. But I do have a vision of where I want things to go for me. I have a bigger vision of how I want to help others improve their lives.

The reason that I am "all over the place" is that I'm getting my name out there so I can use it to benefit others. I am going to be writing columns in various publications both online and in print. I also want to write columns that can be sent to mainstream publications to help people understand the TG community better.

I think it is about time that we took this stuff out of the closet and into the living room of America. There has been enough hiding and enough misrepresentation of who we are by characterizing all of us as "drag queens".

I've been thinking about this a lot and I think I have a good solution. Right now I rarely get to fully dress...maybe 2 - 3 times a month. When I dress I usually only go out to clubs. Since I want to dress more and can't I tend to let it come into my male life...becoming more of a fem guy...wearing panties, pink toe nail polish, etc. just about every day.

So my thoughts are to make more time to dress all the way. But when I'm not dressed be 100% guy. No toe nail polish or panties, etc. Maybe she will get her "fix" by seeing me in total guy mode more and she'll see that she isn't losing that side of me. When I'm in girl mode I'll be 100% girl and do it more often so it will be better for me too.

How does that sound to you guys?

Kisses,

Allie

Truthfully.. it sounds to me like you are hell bent on this whether or not the wife approves. I read your blog on UR not alone.... You want to reassure your wife that you aren't going to change, yet you proclaim that you don't even know how to describe yourself... "not just a cross dresser. maybe TS". Has she read your blog? Say you do end up as a non-op TS, is she going to accept her husband turning into a woman... because he still has his bits?
The solution that you purpose seems to do more for Allie that it does for the wife..IMHO. Awful nice of you to give her, her "fix". You have every right to live your life as you please, but I think that you need to start out by being honest with not only your wife, but with yourself too. You are putting yourself and the "cause" before your SO. TBPO.... I think that you my friend are as Molly Hatchet so nicely puts it.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhhtRxqSrys

Kelly

[Lainie]

... between a crossdresser and a transexual?
A: Two years

or so goes the old joke. On the other hand, Tri-Ess is full of members who stick with CDing and SOs for a long time.

So it could go either way. Maybe an introduction to a local sorority would help your wife accept that this is a permanent situation, not a transition. Or maybe it would freak her out to be in the company of this specialist subculture.

wishing you a truly happy new year, however the road winds...

[Presh GG]

Hi Allie,

Do you ever go out where she wants to go Or is it all TG clubs?

Forgive me, but if my DH dressed like you [ The mico mini ect ] I'd be darned uncomfortable . [ read ashamed ] Would you be willing to tone it down a little for her comfort?

But you are right, it is Her life ....... I mean your life

Presh GG

edit to add. Do you think she's being "wierd" because there doesn't seem too be much time left over just for her ?

[txrobinm]

Hi, Allie! Sorry to hear you're in a pickle- I was planning on dressign up/shopping at least 2 days the week of Thanksgiving and couldn't because I had to be Dad and take care of a sick little girl instead. I was bummed out, sure, but my girl comes first. Like you, I only get to go out dressed a couple of times a month, so those 2 days missed really were hard to deal with.

Anyway, having spoken to your SO after Diana's debut, here's my $.02 (I know it was brief, but maybe perceptive after all). She really really REALLY doesn't want you to do something permanent, like hair removal. This matches what you say yourself at the moment, that you are not SRS-bound, but 1/2 and 1/2. I know my own male side often contemplates growing a goatee, especially in those times when I don't feel like dressing up. Having options is a very good thing.

Where does this come from? Perhaps she secretly hopes this will all go away at some point and she can have a more normal life again. You are all she's known, if memory serves correctly, y'all being high school sweethearts and all. 8 months is a short time to deal with all of this, both for her AND you. This is something to delicately explore on your own, as a couple.

2 steps forward and 1 step back will be how it is for a long time to come, it's natural. Your SO is a precious gift to you, as you are a precious gift to her. Keep talking to each other, reaffirming what's great in her, reassuring what's lasting in the relationship. She loves you very much, even that extroverted dance floor queen.

{{{{{{{Allie}}}}}}}}}
See you both Saturday,
and Keep Rockin'!
~Robin

[DanaR]

Feelings are neither right or wrong, but are the way we feel about things.

Your wife's feelings probably changed after your friend had her procedures, that would be entirely understandable. Now her worrys are about you. You might have to back away from your friendship, in your wife's eyes for her piece of mind.

My wife went through something similar, while we at IFGE convention years ago. I have never actually found out what happened, but I think that there was talk from some of the SO's about how we sneak and do things behind their backs; which I'm completely against and would never do.

Time might change her mind a little, if you feels that you aren't trying to make changes that scare her.

[Midnight Skye]

If I wasn't married, was financially independent and it wouldn't hurt anyone I probably would do more...not SRS...but would do more.

I think that sentence from yourself says it all Allie. From what I'm hearing you're telling your wife you'll adhere to boundaries and rules right now. But what you desire, what you truly want from life doesn't match the image you tell her you're willing to adhere to. I'll agree with what some of the other girls are saying. You've appeared to be moving very fast in your crossdressing life. This isn't a bad thing... but when with a wife you need to slow down some, set realistic expectations (for you both), and show her your love as both Allie and your maleself.

I think your biggest problem right now is feeling out who you really want to be, and what is Allies part in your life in the long run. Once you've figured this out for yourself, you need to have an honest conversation with your wife about how you wish to live and her part in Allies life.

By the sounds of it you played the safe (and fair route) of setting up reasonable rules with your wife to enable your crossdressing, while allowing her to maintain your sanity. Unfortunately I somewhat doubt this will work in the long run for both of you... it sounds like the rules are really damaging your self-esteem and freedom in many ways. At the same time she knows you're frustrated and feel pinned by the rules in place, but it sounds like she's afraid of loosing you to your friends fate (you becoming a woman). This is a difficult situation for you both and is going to take strong communication to make it through.

Allie, my wife and I just went through this mess ourselves. We had rules and expectations in place which weren't true to what I wanted in my future. I finally came out fully to my wife, that I wanted the possibility of living fully female (hormones and hair-removal, but no surgery). The jolting of this reality was difficult for her, but we made it through with many long talks. We came out in the end with the understanding I could and might move forward if it was what I truly needed. But the most importantly I loved her and feminine or not she was part of my life.

So, Allie, think about your future and your wifes future and talk with her about what you want and need.

[MsJanessa]

I suspect it's a combination of things---the really sexy(and looking real good BTW) nightclub dressing, the other T-Gurl friends and to top it off the laser treatments---all good things but I can imagine it's making her more than a little insecure about where you are going with all of this---my advice is to back off just a tad on the TV/TG/CD side of your activities---lean back and enjoy christmas with the relatives---and maybe try working just alittle less---it sounds like you have a really stressfull job-- is there a way you could make it less stressful by dressing when you are on the road or would this cause problems at home? Anyway Happy etc and hang in there.

[Mary Morgan]

Allie,

I understand your dilemma and I frequerntly have such intrusions, or shall I say, unanticipated circumstances cause me to have to change directions and give up on my girl time. For my two cents, I think the right course of action at the moment is a non-verbal cooling off period. If you are correct about her concerns, respect them and just give it a bit of time. As for your own concerns, the visit of your nephew is not the sword you want to fall on. Pick your battles, or better yet, pick your calm time to discuss her feelings and your feelings.

As for your promising never to have SRS or FFS or whatever, don't go there. As I get older and my circumstances change, I consider many things that I would not have years ago. What you don't want to do is be seen as being deceptive.

It isn't always fair, but nothing ever is.

[Jonianne]

.....How does that sound to you guys?.....

Allie, it's your wife you need to assure. You are definatly in some serious pink fog.

Know that this is a very typical situation.

1) You open up to your wife 8 months ago and she initally is receptive and supportive.

2) You, by nature, begin to expore your new found freedom and you are also wise enough to work out boundries with your wife.

3) But, the more you have the freedom to explore and the more supportive she is, the more you start enterning the pink fog and going further than your wife feels comfortable.

4) She starts backing off in her support and you feel like you are loosing the freedom you have found.

You are now in a critical time in your relationship. Talk to her, thank her for her support in your self-discovery. Ask her and find a way to get her to talk about her fears.

Let yourself be open enough to really listen and 'let in' what she is feeling. Let her feelings become apart of you, enough so that they affect your behaviour. If you want your relationship to be healthy and last, regain that emotional involvment with her.

You are always accepted here, whether you stay CD or end up discovering you are TS. If your wife is the love of your life, refocus most of your heart's attention on her.

I am talking from my own experience with my first wife.

[ReineD]

Allie, please take the time to consider what most everyone is saying in this thread.