Need opinions about what I found on my sons pc?

[joni-alice]

Well. if the kid found out about your CDing (assuming he doesn;t know) you wouldnt want him to make a big fuss about it, would you?

Looking at such things, which are readily available, seems quite natural to me.
He will get over it. I did after I first discovered internet porn in my 50s....

Would probably keep it to myself too, unless the spouse is not hysterical...If I told my Ex anything like that, we would both work ourselves up into a frenzy.

Don't think it is a big deal -- at least if there is no confrontation.

Just an idle thought -- what if you found he was into cd?

[shavenraven]

Leave him in peace to discover what the world is about and where he might stand in the grand scheme.

I began to dress when I was 14 and I would have died had my father discovered my little secret. Imagine how he might feel if you bring it to his attention.

"Ugly lesbians " isn't so bad compared to some of the topics on the net.

Discovery is part of growing up.

[JamieDP]

What mature responses from some of the yonger ones.

My thoughts - perhaps with this ever changing world and kids growing up way to fast for our liking, it is time to "think outside the box". I would suggest not saying anything specific to your child about this in particular unless you really think your child is in danger or something. But I would suggest, finding an alternate way of being involved in your child's life and activities to get the information you need. This approach won' t get instant results, but will take a bit of time to cultivate. There are some parents I know such as myself, though grit their teeth at things, remain calm and accept the open discussion like friends. This is one of those moments it may pay off to be a friend to your child more than a parent. You'll get far more information....you as the parent can always jump back into parent mode if the child displays dangerous or harmful behavior.

Now I have to say, my son is only 7, but computers and tv's only remain in common areas where I can monitor what is going on. Not until their old enough to "buy" their own will I allow their own personal PC, etc.

Definitely consider, what if your son knows something about your crossdressing?

Remember many of our threads talk about us crossdressers starting young, and questioning our sexuality at young ages, and taking a long time....perhaps maybe you are witnessing this early stage, where he has realized the urges and desires to dress in femme, and is questioning what this means to him right now. Remember many of us state that we started dressing as early as 4 or 5.

There are so many psychological aspects that can be brought into this? Do you or your wife notice and garments missing? Do you notice any familiar traits....you may be just looking at a mini-you, and that's not so bad is it?

[eleventhdr]

Like frist off how old is your son. And then second what the devil busniess is it of your's to spying on him that way or if it was an accident then I would just maybe mention it very briefly. i just do not understand in this day and age what the whole big deal is about this kind of stuff. The heck when i was growing up this was not that big a deal if you found out you found out and none the wiser. But now it's like an obbsetion to wipe it all out. What the devil is it of anyone's what people look at by themselves and unless he or anyone becomes addicted to it then and only then would i ever step in. I am very tired of this stuff that this is somekind of epidemic that has to be controlled or something how the heck are you ever going to know about anything unless you find out about it somehow.wether it is any kind of knowledge or what have you it all serves it's purpoase. This is my opinion give it or leave it. Suzy And another thing if and when you ever want him to know and really understand then do not tramitize him by confronting him like it is evil or something that is what happened to us with the previous generration they were so hung up with ever thing they just could not see anything else at all beyond there limited vision thus there whole problems of never talking abouit anything but really weird stuff which has nothing to do with the real world whatsoever. So sorry to blast of nbut this stuff just bugs me to much. Suzy! Now ever one is afraid of there own shawdows!.

[Melissa Ryan]

Kazeparker, what an amazing and inciteful young person you sound, I found your comments (excuse me for this) so adult for one so young. Kudos to your parents for bringing up such an understanding person. You sound like you would make a wonderful Parent one day. I was really taken with your post it was so thoughtful and well written.
Thankyou for sharing with us.......Lyn......Melissa Ryans SO........

[Tiffy]

I am not going to try and give you any guidance. You need to do what you think is right. But, I will just throw out a few points of view....

First off this whole privacy thing if f@#*ing nuts, IMHO unless your child is over the age of eighteen then there is no privacy right. I am not saying they do not need their space, but privacy from everything? Nope don't think so. (Geez officer, I did not know my child was in a cult, or building bombs in their room. They have total privacy.) Not picking on anyone here, I have seen this shit on the news. I think we a responsible to at least keep any eye on our kids. How you react is your choice.

Second, when we were young there was not so much info available at such an early age. So I think maybe, our children may need some guidance. Maybe even in suttle ways. Maybe he knows about your dressing, and is trying to understand or maybe he has these feelings as well.

Third, do what you think is right. Do not let us influence how you raise your child. If you were the child what would you want your parents to do?

Kisses, April

[Ellaine]

Chances are, if you mention finding the links, he'll go all defensive. No matter what his motives, or how it came about, it is an oportunity for you.

If he gets to know that you are not judgemental and he can talk to you without embarassment, then better for you both. Youngsters naturally jump to the conclusion, that if "found out" dabbling in naughtyness, they will be misunderstood and criticised.
This is a challenge to your diplomacy, (keep it light and file under "mens stuff" lol ) and a chance to score some respect between the two of you.


Remember teen-age philosophy seems to begin with..."If you ain't with us, you're agin us!"

hugs Ell

[lara_myklund]

I think that despite all the scare stories, the Internet can be a good and safe place to find out about a lot of issues around sex and sexuality. There is a lot of filth out there, but there is also a lot of sense. There are resources out there (like this site) that I would have found invaluable as a teenager. At the end of the day, the cyber-world is a much safer place than the real world.
You just have to make sure that your kids know the difference between the two, that who people appear to be on the web isn't nessescarily the same as who they are in reality (us lot are a prime example). This is general techno-sense, not just for sexual web content, but for other technologies like mobile phones.
As for going for the lowest common denominator on the web, the sort of kids who'd find the real filth on the web, would have found the same sort of stuff in magazines ten or twenty years ago (although they'd probably have had to go to greater lengths to find it).
If I were you, I wouldn't talk to your son about his surfing. The last person on earth I'd have wanted to talk to about that sort of thing would be my parents (even though I'm fairly confident my mother would've been quite supportive of my CD issues). So long as make it clear to him that you're there for him when he needs you, and you're confident in his ability not to put himself in danger.
My kids are both girls, and whilst I don't think they're easy to raise, they're a lot more transparent than boys can be.
Good luck

[Marianne]

I think I'd just add...

Are you sure it's your son looking at that stuff on his computer?

There are *other* people in the house...

Personally, I'd simply offhandly leave an article about browser caches laying around. That way the 'guilty' party should *know* that someone has 'detected' their activity and they then have the opportunity to bring the subject up in private if they're feeling 'guilty', 'confused' or self-conscious.

[Katie Gray]

It could also be annoying pop-up sites.

[~Tammy~]

I actually agree with kazeparker though it does depend how old he is.

I would say that at 16 they should be allowed to be able to find out these things on their own without the embarressment of ones parents finding out.

I did plently of *ahem* research *cough* on the internet and magazines into different lifestyles and sexuality when I was younger and it never did me any harm. Tamara... Shhh!

[heatherCD8772]

I agree with the vast majority of everyone else. I am not that old myself at 22. So, with that being said I started dressing at an early age and when I was a teenager we had the internet. Well just like others on here have said I too looked at that kind of thing I must say that if my parents had found out it would have really borken my trust with them. Who know maybe they did know and just never said anything and if so I am glad because who know how I would feel towards them now if they would have. I agree just watch his behavior to see if their may be a problem that needs to be addressed, but more than most likely it is just a phase that most teenagers go through.

[Sarah-Louise]

i think you should not so much talk to your son but listen to him
if you think stoping him giong on the internet is going to stop him your wrong hes exploring himself and i cant see whats wrong with that if he into that type of thing hes best doing it at home where you know hes safe

[Tamara Croft]

I did plently of *ahem* research *cough* on the internet and magazines into different lifestyles and sexuality when I was younger and it never did me any harm. Tamara... Shhh!

Shh?? don't you know you shouldn't tell a woman to shh!!! Although I agree to a point...... I do still believe that unless the child is over 16, the line has to be drawn somewhere. We don't know how old the son is, we are all just assuming he is under 16 years old. If we can establish the sons correct age, we can give better advice suited for that age group. As parents we have our concerns and we have to keep children safe. Even if they are in the safety of their own home, that doesn't mean that they are. You hear the stories of people luring children in these chat channels, pretending they are someone they are not. I think the key word here is 'educate'. Sorry to ramble on, but I'm a parent and when I hear advice like, 'leave him to it' it really doesn't sit too well with me.

If the title had read 'daughter' instead of 'son', do you think you would have all given the same advice?

[Tristen Cox]

16's a thought but if it's a legal thingy US sites always 'ask are you over 18'.

Anyhow I picked up on one person's post here: Katie Gray in reference to pop ups. We know these leave crap that stays in the registry. Could it be that these were only things that were loaded as a result of visiting one site? To be honest when I 'experimented' with the net a little, one site equaled five pop ups and on and on. I eventually figured out how to get rid of them but until then I was getting them even when I came to visit this place It could be something like that...
0.02

[crispy]

I don't think pattysue has told us how old her son is, so it is hard to give an answer. If he's over 16 (or 18, you decide) I would have to say: leave him to explore.

If he's under 16 I would suggest he shouldn't have unlimited exploring rights. Use parental controls on the computer.

[Stephanie Brooks]

If the title had read 'daughter' instead of 'son', do you think you would have all given the same advice?

Probably, and I have a daughter.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books

The woman who wrote this described some interesting activities she initiated with one of her childhood friends when they were kids. She was into tying her friend. 'Nuf said.

Sure, I'd be concerned about chatroom or IM activities especially as regards predators, but if someone - boy or girl - is reading something as described in the initial post I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I mentioned reading some pretty hardcore things when I was a kid. "Kid" in this case was 11 to 12 years old. Sex is interesting, and sex is exciting, especially when puberty hits. It's natural, and the interest in kids regarding sex will happen. I think it's how we raise kids that determines how they deal with sex in their lives.

[Tamara Croft]

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=12213

Read post #129 by Amelie. She has summed this thread up pretty damn well.

[Rachel_740]

Pattysue,

You don't give any indication of your sons age. If he is under 16 then he certainly shouldn't be looking at that sort of thing (nor should he LEGALLY under 18, but from 16 to 18 I'd give him some leeway). If he's over 18 then I don't see any problem at all - it's his life to have his preferences etc.

However, if he's under 16 or you're not happy with this sort of stuff being linked to your IP address, just set up your security to ban him from getting it.

If he's 18 and you're going to clamp down on your security I think it would be curtious to let him know you're tightening security and why.

Sounds like I'm nagging you when I read this back

Anne

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

You never mentioned his age or just how 'savy' he is online. Without knowing those things...

First off, I would follow the line of reasoning that says back off from this, if he is over the age of 16.

If he is under 16 you need to think about netnanny or some other form of cyber kid protection. And like another members said there is always a chance it was an annoying pop up that dug it's claws in his history. If this is the case installing some good deterants from this and a net nanny might make you feel that he is not going or looking at things you don't believe he is ready to fully understand.

Now I am sure this will make me sound like a total wet blanket, but I think under the age of 16, boys or girls should have some sort of supervision regarding what sort of sexually explicit material they are exposed to. I mean there were episodes of Friends that would have made me uncomfortable watching with a 15 or 16 year old. And I do respect that fact that children generally are exposed to alot of adult content much sooner than I was (I am 33) when growing up, but as a parent you have to take some responsiblity for what they are allowed to see. You may not be able to control what other families do or what he does at his friends houses on their computers, but you can control what he does in your home. And if your core values tell you that his age is too young to see that much sexually explicit material then you need to adress this in the most tech savy way possible as to not let him know you have been snooping.

hugs
kathy in canada

As a Mother of 5, 2 at the age of 13 and 14, here is my
0.02
As April said, until they are 18 years old, there is NO privacy! Gem and I only allow the children to use AOL, because we were able set up their web browsing, appropriate with their age. And we get a report of all their online activity. They are MORE than aware of this and have no problem with it. Why? Because WE are the parents. WE set the rules. WE enforce them, together.

Soon enough the children will be over the legal age and subjected to all sorts shit this world has to offer. But they are children only ONCE! It is our, (Gem and I), responsibility to ensure that is not taken from them before too early. We also monitor what they watch on TV and listen to as far as music goes.

And on a side note. If Gem were to keep a secret like that from me????
:mad:
There would be hell to pay for sure. Just ask him.

Tamara had a VERY good point. If it were a daughter, would you feel the same way?

[kathy gg]

Several people have said that they themselves saw plenty of pornographic material and turned out great and the author of a book played with s&m as a youngster, and yaadyada.....

But this is (and was) the point of me thinking this should be dealt with. And nipped as soon as possible...becuase just that. kids ARE exposed and will take part in all sorts of risque' , dangerous, off-limits behavior plenty (before age 16 or 18) wihtout getting your go ahead and approval. Teens want as much untethered freedom and no matter how much you 'give' they will always want more. By not doing anything as parent it is saying 'anything' goes.

There is only one childhood to have. yes sexuality is part of it, but there is a world of difference between an open dailog with parent and child regarding all avenues of sex and a kid having to see the 'worst' of it online.

And I am with Gem's wife.... if Amanda knew that Cleo had done something out of line and did not tell me, then the whole parenting process is being compromised. The united front that we have as mom and dad is now broken. Not a good way to set rules and have them enforeced....

kathy in canada

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hmmmmm, well glancing at other responses; I'd say a few things:

1) If he's under 18 and under your roof, then I think you have a right and responsibility to know what he may be looking at. That said, would I really take it all the way to age 18, probably no. It sounds like most who feel you have a right to monitor his computer viewing agree that it should be no older than 16 and that sounds fair and reasonable to me. I'll add here for those who are so concerned about his privacy. My lil' neo-nazi, skin headesque, ex-marine of a brother was looking up how to build pipe bombs and such at 16. I think, since he proceeded with making them (and this was around Columbine) they should have intervened. But they didn't and nothing happened. However, think of issue of rights to privacy with this scenario in mind, kinda changes it a bit, huh?

2) Not tell his mother? Parents and spouses work best if they're a united front and trust is secure between them.

3) Talk to him? Again, depending on the age. If he's 12, well then hell yes! If he's 17, then perhaps not.

4) Privacy and internet access in your home by minors; what is your policy? If it were me, I would tell my child that if you're on the internet it's my responsibility and right to know about where you maybe going and with whom you maybe talking. Expect that I will random monitor and it would also be clear as to what sights he/she may visit in general and what sights would cause me concern and get my attention.

5) I wonder if we were talking about a female child if the answers by the other members would be the same?

[Tristen Cox]

Ok coming from a different angle, I spoke on this only as a member but seem to have got some flack because it wasn't said like a parent. I was trying to remain nuetral to that respect but I will defend my beliefs now with your kind permission.

First I would have security settings on max from day one before my child ever got his/her hands on the computer and these would be password only so only I could change them. If for some reason I had not done this and found this type of thing on the computer, I would immediately set the security all the way up as mentioned above and definitly discuss this with my wife to see what she had to say about it. Also I would look for other little tell tales from my child that this is more(or not more) than just something on the computer.

I am truly scared to raise a child in this world to be honest, there's so many things they can get mixed up in and my nerves would drive me crazy. It's like they say about drugs, one thing leads to another. This can happen from the internet just as easy. I feel for you who do have children and the amount of love and courage involved being a parent. I do dream of having my own family. I only hope that if I ever do I can be half the parent some of you are

I do hope these responses are helping you Patty. My best to you.

[Tiffy]

The reason I said what I said in my first post is because of a friends daughter.

She was 15 and had a computer and her parents did not keep tabs on what she was doing on there because they thought she was old enough to make her own decisions. One night she left to see her new boyfriend, whom she did not tell her parents she had mat on the web. They picked her up 50 miles from here two days later in the hospital. Beaten badly by her boyfriend. He was nowhere to be found. She now carries a baby by a man who beat her and left her. And she is just 15.

I know that is not the same. But my point is, when is privacy more important that the safety of your child? You never know what is next.

April

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thanks for the views, especially those that differ from mine. Need to think about a few things a little more.