Need opinions about what I found on my sons pc?

[pattysue]

The other day I was setting up security on our wireless router for our computers. I had to go and change settings on my daughter's, son's and our computer. To get it set up. When I was on my sons, I came across the history by accident (he uses Net Scape) instead of Explorer. What I saw was he had searched for ugly lesbians, gay porn and she males. I have not talked to him about this. Nor I have told my wife. My question is should I talk to both or either of them?

Thanks, Pattysue

[Gemma]

I think if it were my son, I would have a chat with him

[Wendy me]

how old is he?? could it be that he is going through that porn stage my two sons went through it ...a chatt in privent in a non threating way might be ok but rember you don't want to distent him from you...go slow and easy ...

[Daffodil]

Pattysue,
Is it really wise to interveen? A young man wants to find out all about sex and its varients ----- what were you like at his age? Leave him alone, but none-the-less just keep an eye on his behaviour. Do not pry into his private computer records again, even tho' you did not do it on purpose. Yes I know, having opened a whole can of worms it is hard not to look inside.

I send a hug Pattysue, and dont worry --- boys will be boys, or girlies. Daffodil x

[Rainbow6562005]

Hi, Pattysue,
I agree with Daffodil: pretend you never saw this stuff.
You may ruin his trust for you, if you bring it up. Should you decide to say something to him, anyway, never, ever, tell his mother!
Rainbow

[Natalie x]

[size=4]Just adding my bit to Rainbow and Daffodil - be careful how you respond at this stage, but watch his behaviour and act on that.[/size]
[size=4][/size]
[size=4]He may have heard other kids talking about stuff and just wanted to understand better (an admirable trait) or he may be experiencing some of the confusing feelings of puberty or pre-puberty (don't know his age) which he will probably grow through.[/size]
[size=4][/size]
[size=4]You could try just opening a door to conversation with him by saying something like "I remember at your age I had all kinds of questions. Is there anything I can help you with?" but challenging him on the basis of what you found is not a good way to deal with it.[/size]

[pattysue]

I have not said anything to either of them so far. I was kind of thinking about keeping it to my self. At his age if I remember right I was wishing to be a girl, so who would I be to say something is right or wrong that he's looking at to figure his self out? I know the way people go through life is their own joruney. But, some times people need a little guidance. I don't think it is time for that yet. I also think that the progress that I've made with his mom about me CD'ing would become a problem for her.

[Daphnie-Duck]

It's also possible that many of those addresses in his history are from unwanted popups that occur just through normal Web browsing.

[kazeparker]

Ok, I'm probably only a couple of years away from your son's age since I'm still in my teens, so maybe I could shed some light on your son's perspective.

When I was younger, I developed what could be called a curiosity about a variety of sexual things. Not to the point where I was a sex-obsessed porn-crazy teen, but I was still curious enough to search the internet and try to broaden my horizons about the large world of sexual behavior. It was a process where I was trying to find myself, but I couldn't bring any of those ideas up in discussion to my parents or friends. Mainly because I knew they'd find my thoughts abnormal or unusual, even if I and a community such as this one wouldn't (it was things concerning transgender online literature and images, to make it clear what exactly was going on in my head). I never had any intention of finding a way to purchase memberships or buy videos, I just needed to experiment a bit and decide how I worked based off of my mental habits.

I'd have died if my parents found out.

Why? Well, because my side of the story wouldn't be understood. I'd be labeled as a porn-addicted child that shouldn't be allowed access to the internet and a kid with a messed up brain. Well, that can't be determined. That phase lasted about a year before I grew out of it and moved on to other interests, such as my focus on music. They never found out; I'll never know how they would have reacted. But I always imagined the worst-case scenario, and no matter what they said, even if they were supportive, that would have still tore me to pieces in trust issues. The only time I felt it'd be ok for them to know how I think is if I were to tell them, if it seriously needed to be told because that was the person I was.

I think you should only talk with him if he's spending any money (most likely your money) on access to the sites, or purchasing videos, images, or other pornographic material on- or offline. If it turns into a real addiction to the point where he needs to buy it and the purchases make an impact on finances (or he has to go behind your back and use your payment methods to obtain it), then it's definitely worth a chat.

The best way I can put it into perspective, I think, is this: it's as if you've been crossdressing and no one knows you've ever crossdressed because you've done so well at keeping it a secret, yet one day your wife (or friend, child) finds a bra that is not your wife's and belongs to you. Certainly that's not the way most people would want to be found out about their habits and the feelings you'd have would be extremely negative concerning your predicament. If you can imagine what you'd feel if you were in that scenario, that's most likely how your son will feel if he is confronted about his own.

You no doubt love your child and want only for his happiness, and because of that I have to suggest letting him find himself as we all must do throughout our lives, and give him the benefit of the doubt that he'll make the right choices and things will turn out ok. Only in an extreme circumstance should you intervene. I guarantee if he had a way to know that you had come to that decision to leave him be, he would thank you from the bottom of his heart.

[susandrea]

I don't think I'd say anything, either. But I would keep an eye on him, and at an opportune moment when a like subject comes up, let him know that you are aware he's getting older and curious and if he has any questions then you are there for him and the two of you can talk to each other like adults now.

If he finds out you've been "snooping" (he'll probably see it that way) he may be embarrassed and become super secretive and paranoid. He may even resent you for it.

If he does (miraculously) open up to you, let him know that there's no shame in being curious, but he should be careful that he gets a balanced picture of what sex and sexuality is all about, and that a lot of porn sites only show extremes. You might even steer him to a few sites that you approve of that will give him more balanced info and also show him that you respect that fact that he's growing up and becoming a man.

Here's a few you might be interested in:

http://www.sxetc.org/

http://www.adolescentsexuality.com/

http://teensexuality.studentcenter.org/

and loads more:

http://dmoz.org/Kids_and_Teens/Teen_Life/Sexuality/

And don't forget your daughter, too!

You sound like a very caring parent.

[Maude]

The other day I was setting up security on our wireless router for our computers. I had to go and change settings on my daughter's, son's and our computer. To get it set up. When I was on my sons, I came across the history by accident (he uses Net Scape) instead of Explorer. What I saw was he had searched for ugly lesbians, gay porn and she males. I have not talked to him about this. Nor I have told my wife. My question is should I talk to both or either of them?

Thanks, Pattysue

if you were not invited into the computer i don't think it is up for discussion.
i think it is his private diary and should be kept so !
i don't wan't anyone sneaking around my computer ?

[Paula Rae]

Hey Pattysue,

You may not want to hear this, but here it is anyway.
Does your son know that you are a CrossDresser? Maybe he's FOUND OUT about you and he's just trying to figure out what you're doing or what you are. Could he have seen your web history?

Lots to think about!

Ricki B

[Stephanie Brooks]

Pattysue, I wouldn't worry.

Geez, kazeparker reminded me of when I was a kid, a long time before the net. This was in the early 70s.

We got ahold of magazines, books, and films, mostly hardcore things. One book I remember was called "Pony Lover" or something like that. Were we sex crazed? Nope. Just horny. VERY horny.

I still access things online, especially things that are, uh, "exciting" but usually they're things I wouldn't do in real life. It's a safe way to explore things. I don't cheat on my wife, I've been married to the same woman for nearly 21 years, and we have a healthy 6 1/2 year old girl. I guess I turned out okay.

[Lisa Maren]

Hi everyone

There's one thing I haven't seen anyone touch on yet in this thread. If he has his browser configured to display the history in the browser window (which my brother does, presumably for his convenience in finding sites again later), then as soon as he gets back on his machine and sees the new security set-up he'll know instantly that you've found him out, so there is that to think about. It's very hard for a kid to know his parents have found out something he doesn't want them to know and yet they're not bringing it up. That is very, very weird for a kid, I'm sure.

I would snoop on my kids at least to some extent because the truth is kids don't always tell their parents who they're talking to online and things of that nature and because there are dangers involved in certain things a parent has to do certain things like some snooping in the interest of the kid's safety.

It's never fun and it always feels wrong, but at the same time, *you* have to be the parent because your kid certainly won't.

Good luck!

Hugs,
Lisa

[StephanieCD]

A violation of privacy even if 'accidental' loses more trust than good intentions can repair.

Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.


Be honest with yourself about your intentions in intervening and if you decide to continue tread lightly.

[kathy gg]

You never mentioned his age or just how 'savy' he is online. Without knowing those things...

First off, I would follow the line of reasoning that says back off from this, if he is over the age of 16.

If he is under 16 you need to think about netnanny or some other form of cyber kid protection. And like another members said there is always a chance it was an annoying pop up that dug it's claws in his history. If this is the case installing some good deterants from this and a net nanny might make you feel that he is not going or looking at things you don't believe he is ready to fully understand.

Now I am sure this will make me sound like a total wet blanket, but I think under the age of 16, boys or girls should have some sort of supervision regarding what sort of sexually explicit material they are exposed to. I mean there were episodes of Friends that would have made me uncomfortable watching with a 15 or 16 year old. And I do respect that fact that children generally are exposed to alot of adult content much sooner than I was (I am 33) when growing up, but as a parent you have to take some responsiblity for what they are allowed to see. You may not be able to control what other families do or what he does at his friends houses on their computers, but you can control what he does in your home. And if your core values tell you that his age is too young to see that much sexually explicit material then you need to adress this in the most tech savy way possible as to not let him know you have been snooping.

hugs
kathy in canada

[Clare]

Hi Pattysue.

At this point in time, i wouldn't discuss anthing with your Son. Let things be as young men all go through this phase at some stage in their lives.

My advice is to keep an eye on your Son and check that he his behaviour is not being affected in any way. Also, he may try to subtly raise a topic with you if he is confused in any way, so listen out and respond with a delicate touch.

I don't think it wise to interfere with his life unless it becomes necessary.

Christine.

[Tristen Cox]

He may be more embaressed than anything if you bring this up. I was when my father found me wearing a certain garment and things were changed after that(distanced to be precise) Take care in your decision. You only get the choice once.

[Rainbow6562005]

I still remember fondly my first taste of porno: there was a pamphlet us twelve-year olds were fascinated with, back in the late-1940s; it seems Popeye and Olive Oyl were...
Rainbow

[Sierra]

You will go far ,your parents are proud of you!

[Val Tan]

i remember when i was much younger and my dad found porn sites in the history, he told me not to visit such sites. it was awkward. obviously i denied it. and it only made me more careful. so i think silence would be better.

[Sweet Jeanette]

Good God!---Leave the kid alone!---If your the one that bought the computer for him, and put it in his room, and gave him access to the "World Wide Web", ---what do you Expect? ---Does he have a door to his room?---If so, and it is closed, when he's in there, that is his "privacy place"!---He thinks he's safe there. ---Respect it!---If he has questions, ---in time, if he wants, he will ask you!---He may not, but Id bet you, down the road, he will.---The web is available at school, and librarys, and, Im sure, at other places: ---like a neighbors house?---Think about it! ---Todays kids are different, seeking information, like we did back in the 60s and 70s & the 80s, but NOW, they have a whole new weapon at their disposal: ---The Internet! Your boy is "Learning". ---Let him learn!---If he has questions, he will come to you,-sooner, or later. -----Don't Press him!------Most kids are not as dumb as you may think!---Actually, most are pretty sharp! ---I ought to know. I work with kids every day!---Oh, by the way,---you say you have a wireless router?---Thats a real good way to get Hacked! ---My router is hard-wired!

[Tamara Croft]

Good God!---Leave the kid alone!---If your the one that bought the computer for him, and put it in his room, and gave him access to the "World Wide Web", ---what do you Expect?

Put yourself in the parents shoes for one minute. You find your child looking for ugly lesbians, gay porn and she males.... is this really what ANY child should be looking for on the internet? or should this PC for a child been set up so the child didn't have access to search for this in the first place. The only person so far that has made any sense in this thread is Kathy... you can't leave a child alone to do what they like..... The internet is a dangerous place for young children and should be protected against it at all cost.

pattysue

You have to ask yourself why your son was looking for this sort of stuff in the first place. It is an odd thing for a child to start looking for. I can't see it being what all his mates are doing, so maybe your son knows or has an idea about your crossdressing and has found sites with crossdressers on it with links to ugly lesbians, gay porn and she males. It is up to you how you deal with it, but imo, you should make his pc internet safe.

[Angela Burke]

"Ugly lesbians?"
Hmmmm?

Angela

[Melissa Ryan]

You will go far ,your parents are proud of you!

I agree with this Kazeparker! Thank you for your input! It is actualy helpful to me for other related reasons. Please keep on keeping on with us!!

.............Melissa...............