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Thread: Ear piercing, in retrospect

  1. #1
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Ear piercing, in retrospect

    A year ago yesterday, after asking some questions in the then- ongoing thread, I went out and got my ears pierced. This is to describe the actual consequences, so that people considering What If would have a better idea of what they would be in for.

    Back then (and now) my hair was long enough to cover the bottom of my ears, but not thick enough to cover my ears consistently -- and my hair is light enough that the wind of my walking is enough to move the hair around. That and with my hair moving as I bend my head, leads to the situation that my earrings are not constantly on display, but are also not really hidden.


    Work

    Two people total at work have commented in any way on my earrings (at least to me). One of them was approximately a month after I got them done, and it was the first time I'd happen to see him since I had them pierced. He was surprised, but only because he knows that I am squeamish and have difficulty with the sight of needles; he mentioned about his own 3 piercings in each ear -- and that was that.

    The other person was quite a number of months later, a GG friend I deliberately dressed more obviously femme to work with, and she did indeed ask me about it, saying that she'd noticed the change in my appearance, and wondered if I was transitioning; I talked to her for awhile about it. She was quite accepting. Note that it wasn't the fact that I was wearing earrings: it was style of earrings, style of hair, choice of clothes -- and the bust-line (C-cup forms on me look about like A-cup would on a GG).

    There was one day, after 5 or 6 months, when my boss, observing me from the side as I worked, did a definite double-take about my earrings -- but said nothing. If that was the first time he had observed that I had earrings then he was unobservant indeed; more likely is that he was surprised at the style. (I don't recall which ones I was wearing that day, but they certainly were not little studs. I think it was my 2" spiral chrome 12-gauge hole-stretchers.)

    No-one at work has commented negatively on any of the earrings I have worn, including not when I have worn hoops that peak out from under my hair, and including not when I have worn by black oblong pearl dangles. If people even notice my earrings, they don't mention them, and they don't deliberately seem to look away from me, or squirm or whatever: it is just an accepted part of me. I originally expected perhaps 5 minutes ribbing at group coffee, but I never got even that.


    Home

    I talked to my wife on the phone and got her go-ahead before I got my ears pierced, so it was not a surprise to her when she returned.

    The original very small hoop-and-ball, and the sapphire studs I went with after that were never any difficulty for her. After that... she fluctuated, depending on the style of earring, how obvious it was, how feminine it was. By week 8, after earlier in the week giving me a frown/ hurt/ confused look about some fairly modest design (this would have been not long after I took out the hoop-and-ball), when she saw the small silver butterflies I'd had converted from dangle to stud, she insisted I try them on right then, in the middle of a lower-middle-class Tim Horton's coffee shop, exclaiming "Oh, so cute!!" and showing them off to her mother. And so it went for the year, with her sometimes seeing my earrings (including distinctly non-male ones) as cute or nice-looking or well-chosen, and her sometimes displeased and disquieted by the earrings.

    It took her a fair while to adjust to obvious dangles, especially in public; now she's more likely to tell me that she likes them. It depends partly on context, though: the same earrings that she doesn't mind me wearing in stealth clothes, she might find disconcerting if I'm in a skirt or a dress. Generally speaking, the more big and obvious the earrings are, the more likely she is to feel uncomfortable about them -- though what was "too feminine" even three months ago is now considered perfectly fine for me to wear in public with her now. This last week, I've mostly been wearing blue fired-glass earrings that are about one inch wide and two inches tall with a one-inch drop (and so hang down a total of three inches); she likes the colour, says "Those are nice!", and hasn't given me a "sour face" about them at all.

    Thus: even if your wife says Okay to earrings, it will likely take her time to adjust to "feminine" earrings... but the acceptance will not necessarily be at all straight-forward. Don't be surprised if she says or conveys "This far and no farther!" -- and don't be surprised if later "no farther" becomes routine and she herself suggests something that is further. Nor should you be surprised if some of the acceptance is "taken back" for a while. "What will I say if someone asks about them??" certainly might play a role -- and that, in my experience, is mostly countered by time and her seeing that people don't ask.

    Oh yeah: be careful about when you first show your wife/SO any new set of earrings, as she might insist in everyone's hearing that you put them on right now


    Family

    My mother didn't notice my earrings the first day that I visited her at Easter, but she did notice the next day (she was looking at me from an angle as I had my head bent working on the computer.) She exclaimed, and asked me why I got my ears pierced; I said something relatively content free such as "Oh, I just thought I would see how it would look", and she accepted that and didn't say anything more about it. A few days later when we stopped at a mall, she wanted to look at one of the jewelry displays for herself, so I looked too and picked up some pairs in plain sight of her, which wasn't a problem at all. She was more concerned about my acrylic nails, worried about the effect on my health.

    End of June, my mother and I were both visiting my sister. I had Told My Sister about my cross-dressing and TG a few days before hand on the phone. My sister said that my mother was starting to ask questions, having noticed my nails and earrings and wondering if it meant something. That conversation lead to me Telling My Mother a couple of days later. (My mother took it quite well, and understood aspects that I certainly did not expect her to understand.)

    Thus for my family, it was not the earrings themselves that were important, it was the total package of what I was going through that was important. The earrings were inconsequential compared to the other parts of my life.


    Friends

    Not a lot to report on this. The same trip to visit my mother, one of my old friends noticed my earrings and nails and asked me if there was something they should know, thus giving me the opening to speak... but I didn't take it, saying something like "Just a bit of self-expression". He's had male earrings (or perhaps only one side) for a long time; the earrings themselves certainly wouldn't have mattered to him. My other friends either didn't notice those things or didn't say anything.

    The course of my life has been such that I don't have many friends at all in the city I live in (and have for nearly 2 decades), at least not in the "someone you can call up and hang around with" sense. The people I'm likely to "see around" and do shared activities with, and the staff at various establishments (e.g., stores) that I know well enough to talk personally to, already all knew I was a cross-dresser, so the earrings didn't make any difference to them, other than for them to feel that the earrings improved my appearance and enhanced my feminine side and had helped me become more accepting of myself.


    The Earrings

    I've worn a fair variety of earrings to work -- studs, 1/2" and 1" hoops, butterflies, silver fairies, hummingbirds, treble-clefs, bars, spirals, pearl dangles.. whatever took my fancy.

    The more obvious earrings, such as the 4" copper maple-leaves, I have (so far anyhow) reserved for when I am at least partly obviously dressed up. I have, for example, worn said maple leaves when I have gone out in guy-face, light lipstick, and wearing a dress + jacket combination (with underlying forms enough to create a bust-line.) If you are going to wear a dress without disguising your face and hair, then nice earrings aren't exactly going to be the give-away-clue .

    On the other hand, some days (but not at work!) I put in 5" brush-the-shoulder hoops as I go about my business (in my usual stealth clothes). I've gotten some "I don't really approve" looks for those, mostly from the tough guys that hang round in front of one of the downtown malls -- but no remarks, and people elsewhere don't seem to care.

    About the only earrings I found do not physically work for me are very small studs: they literally pull through the hole in my lobe. Good thing I discovered that before I invested in any (reasonably affordable) diamond stud. I also decided that traditional white cultured-pearl ball earrings don't suit me aesthetically.

    Along the way, I did discover how easy it is to lose or misplace earrings. I was lucky enough to find some of them; others are gone for good. I found that for dangle earrings, it is best to pinch the wire in: the wider the angle of the wire through your ear, the easier it is for it the earring to get caught on something like a hat or scarf and to lift out of your ear -- or simply to work loose and fall off. For hoop-like earrings, I found that if you wear a "continuous hoop" style that is done as a thinner wire that goes through the lobe and then gets inserted into the tube that is the other end of the hoop, that unless the earring has been well designed, it probably will fall off. I also discovered that places sell tiny little pieces of clear plastic that you can put on the end of wire and move up to your lobe after the earring is in your ear: those do help.


    The Emotions

    Yes, wearing earrings does contribute to my feeling more feminine, more so if they are "drop" earrings, least so for the (unisex) captive-ball small hoops that they put in when they originally did my ears. And yes, I like the feeling.

    The sometimes sour faces from my wife were not so much fun, and the explicit "That's too much!" were not Good Times either... but (fortunately!) she's has grown greatly in acceptance over the year.

    I feel that taking the step of getting my ears pierced, and of daring to wear non-male earrings openly including at work, has certainly contributed to my self-acceptance as a transgendered person. Conversely, probably two years before that time, I wouldn't have been ready for pierced ears... though if my wife had for some reason specifically said that I should get my ears pierced, I might have gone with it (with some anxiety.) As I got them done in my own time, when I was ready for them, I probably progressed faster than if I'd gotten them to early and then gotten locked into a cycle of being afraid to go too feminine "in case people noticed the change".

    I do not at all regret getting my ears pierced; it's been fun, and in some way comforting.
    Last edited by sandra-leigh; 01-03-2010 at 09:56 PM. Reason: I can't believe I made that typo! (#2)

  2. #2
    Member Kari Lynn Franks's Avatar
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    time

    Im so happy to hear that your wife has come to except the different earrings it took my wife a while and over time the ones that bothered her at first now she never even bats an eye we are so blessed to have such supportive and beautiful wives congratsbe sure and maybe suprise her with some new earings sometimes I do that and after she wears them I usually borrow them lol
    I am a beautiful, young victorian style lady. Demure, gentle, kind and giving. I love to be feminine in lace and intricate delicate patterns flowing skirts, the kind of sexy that makes you desperate to know what I'm hiding underneath!

  3. #3
    Member CutieJulie's Avatar
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    awesome read (7 extra holes in my head here ))
    Every day I tell myself I'm gonna live forever... and guess what! So far it's working. - Me

    Some people say forgive and forget. Nah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept - Gross Point Blank

    My dark thoughts: CutieJulie.blog.comhttp://cutiejulie.blog.com

  4. #4
    Member meri's Avatar
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    Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Mine are as yet virgin, but I would like to get them pierced. My wife has already voiced a negative opinion. Still working on get my skirts accepted with her, probably will wait a while on the earrings.
    -Meri

    Central Ohio

  5. #5
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    Thank you for the wonderful post. I have been hovering over the thought of getting both ears pierced for a while, and I appreciate your experience. I do feel more emboldened to pursue this now as I believe my wife would be more accepting as she has already accepted some other femme facets of mine. Good luck with your future changes. You rock, sister.
    We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust the sails.

  6. #6
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    Sandra,

    Thank you for such an informative post.

  7. #7
    MaloriCross Malori Cross's Avatar
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    Maybe I misunderstood you, but you wear a skirt and your wife has issues with some of your earrings????

    My wife seems to accept my single earring but if I put on a shirt she'd flip. Still, I plan to get my other ear done soon as I don't like the asymmetric look any more.
    Malori

  8. #8
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malori Cross View Post
    Maybe I misunderstood you, but you wear a skirt and your wife has issues with some of your earrings????
    Well, there are skirts and there are skirts

    My wife has gone out with me a few times "around" (e.g., Home Depot, dinner, a park) when I've worn a denim skirt, but at those times, she has adopted my attitude that jeans-look denim midi or full-length denim skirts are more or less just clothes, within the range of what it is socially acceptable for a guy to wear (even though not many do.) She's seen me in other skirts and in various dresses; the more feminine I look and (unconsciously) act in them, the more disquieted she is by actually seeing them. But "out of sight, out of mind" (more or less): she's more accepting of me wearing other things to club meetings and functions or when I'm by myself if she's not with me.

    One important difference between my wearing a skirt or dress to a club meeting, and my wearing earrings, is that the skirt or dress come off when I get home, but the earrings stay on (unless I take them off for the night to prevent them getting lost or crushed while I sleep.) It is a constant reminder, especially the earrings that guys wouldn't wear. The situation is similar to when I had acrylic nails for about 4 or 5 months in 2009: it wasn't the nails themselves that bothered her as such, it was the non-male length that I wore them, and (much more importantly to her), it was that she found that my body language and in particular my hand gestures become more feminine as I wore the nails. Dealing with the feminine in me in everyday life was (and continues to be) significantly more difficult for her than the abstract thought of me wearing a dress in public.

    Beyond that... well, people are not often consistent and logical in what is or is not acceptable to them and under what circumstances.

  9. #9
    Suddenly I See
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    Really great post! it's posts like these that make this community so valuable!

    Hugs
    Kaylee

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member JulieK1980's Avatar
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    Really good read, and relevant to me, as I just got my ears pierced about 4 days ago! lol!

  11. #11
    Member ChanDelle's Avatar
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    Good, thoughtful post, Sandra! Upon reflection, ever since childhood, earrings are what some would call a "trigger" for me. I'm just wild about them and having pierced ears was a dream come true. I rarely wear them in drab mode, and have had only one person is the last few years even comment that they noticed my ear was pierced, much less both of them.

    When I do wear earrings, they're usually discreet little diamonds, hardly worth mentioning. But I love 'em and just knowing my ears are pierced warms my heart when I think about them.

    And Jody, congratulations in biting the bullet. It's a tough decision but you'll never regret it. You'll love wearing wonderful earrings in time. Please let us know how you're getting along...

    ChanDelle

  12. #12
    Member lavistaa62's Avatar
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    With me

    It's not so much that earrings of any sort are noticable in an of themselves but rather the unconscious habit I had, whenever they were in, of touching them. The feeling was quite comforting unfortunately it draws attention to the piercings and can result in their getting infected as well.

  13. #13
    Junior Member Michelle Lynn A's Avatar
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    I got my ears pierced almost 2 years ago. Best thing I have ever done for myself. Feel much more feminine now!!! Hugs

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    I got my ears done about two years ago. with just a few remarks noting big. It's for the most part excepted. And most people love my skull and cross bones posts.
    Angie

  15. #15
    Member ringedjohn's Avatar
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    My first permanent ear piercing was a single hole in my left lobe - I pierced it myself back in 1960.

    For at least the last 25 years I have had three permanent piercings in each ear - can't really remember the details.

    I wear a single gold stud almost 24/7 in the first hole. When I get the chance at home I wear ornate drop earrings or hoops.

    Comments? - well maybe once a year or so!

  16. #16
    New Member anna_thema's Avatar
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    A fabulous post. I do love a real happy ending.

    I'm probably pretty lucky in that I am just the right age to have been a precocious late-teen during a time when earrings were particularly fashionable for males. I am also fortunate that I had the forethought even back then to get both ears pierced (yes, it was because I'd been dressing for several years in secret by then). Despite the regular raised eyebrows I received (because it wasn't really cool to have BOTH ears pierced), I argued mostly successfully that the two holes I had in my "correct" ear made it all right to have one in the "incorrect" ear.

    So, every time I have dressed for the last *lots of* years, I have had to re-pierce the damn things because I don't dress enough and they re-seal!! That all changed about a year ago when I decided that fashion has returned enough (and I don't care enough either way) that I can walk around with earrings in. Ever since then, I've had many people say "hey - when did you get your ears pierced??" and I reply with "when I was about 16". That usually gets a nod of the head and no further questions, though I tend toward studs when en mano (even if they are sparkly pink ones).

    And it's interesting that I spotted this thread today because I bought these cute little Tinkerbell-style butterflies this morning which I had in for the afternoon. I love them...though they don't match the beard I'm currently sporting.
    Last edited by anna_thema; 01-06-2010 at 04:23 AM.

  17. #17
    New Member natasha_laure's Avatar
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    Great thread and nice to hear a positive experience. i have wanted to have my ears pierced forever. I have three concerns:

    - work and people noticing so I've been looking at ways to hide a piercing while they heal.
    - my mother who has a big mouth and notices everything then broadcasts it to everyone in earshot
    - Most important: I need to clear it with my wife.

    Anyway this thread has given a positive perspective on all those issues. Thank you.

  18. #18
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by natasha_laure View Post
    I have three concerns:

    - work and people noticing so I've been looking at ways to hide a piercing while they heal.
    - my mother who has a big mouth and notices everything then broadcasts it to everyone in earshot
    - Most important: I need to clear it with my wife.
    I don't have any advice for convincing your wife. You could examine the earlier piercing threads (e.g., there were parallel ones going at the end of 2008) and would see there the great number of people who have remarked on how few people said anything. However, that argument will only hold weight if you are prepared to show your wife those postings...

    Your mother: about all I can suggest there is that you could just shrug in the "So what?" manner. Especially if she only sees you with studs or the very small ("pirate-style") earrings. Getting earrings is not scandalous these days -- for example, many music stars have them. There might still be some communities where the news would travel from person to person, but these days most people aren't going to think it worth mentioning to anyone else, unless perhaps they just happened to be of the "the world is going to hell in a hand-basket" frame of mind, people predisposed to think the worst of anyone who isn't sour just like them. So your best protection against your mother is to not care that other people know that you got your ears pierced (they don't have to know all about what kind of earrings you wear when they aren't around.)

    Work: you know your work environment best, but if there is any male around your workplace who already wears earrings, then you can point to him as an "inspiration". Or if macho is the order of the day at work, you can play the "What's the matter, Harry? Are you squeamish? Can't stand a little pain?" card. If, though, earrings are against the company dress policy, then a few people have reported complete success in using small clear plastic studs to keep the piecing open during the day while it heals; I do not know at the moment where you could buy such studs, but I'm sure Google would find something for you.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kittykitty
    BTW, what in the world do cis-guys wear for earrings these days?
    It depends greatly on sub-culture. For example, in some sub-cultures, stretched lobes are very in: imagine something that looks like a short spool for thread, up to about the diameter of a quarter, inserted in your ear-lobe. But don't be too quick to dismiss such sub-cultures: if you start examining the enormous variety of bars and studs that are available on sites that specialize in piercings, chances are that you will find a few designs that make you say, "Hey, that's cool!!" But you can find "male" earrings in just about any theme you can name... motorcycles, anime, golf, hunting... Okay, so I didn't find anything worthwhile for X-Files or Humvee, but you get the idea.

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member JulieK1980's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChanDelle View Post
    Good, thoughtful post, Sandra! Upon reflection, ever since childhood, earrings are what some would call a "trigger" for me. I'm just wild about them and having pierced ears was a dream come true. I rarely wear them in drab mode, and have had only one person is the last few years even comment that they noticed my ear was pierced, much less both of them.

    When I do wear earrings, they're usually discreet little diamonds, hardly worth mentioning. But I love 'em and just knowing my ears are pierced warms my heart when I think about them.

    And Jody, congratulations in biting the bullet. It's a tough decision but you'll never regret it. You'll love wearing wonderful earrings in time. Please let us know how you're getting along...

    ChanDelle
    Thanks! So far so good, its been a week now, and I've recieved nothing but compliments..

  20. #20
    Member lavistaa62's Avatar
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    For work while they are healing

    The small plastic studs are known as bio-flex; not sure if they are sold in the US but probably off the web from the UK or France where I've seen them in stores.

  21. #21
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    For work while they are healing

    I was told by my nannie as a child. If you ever get your ears pierced a good way to keep the hole open is with a piece of common broom straw.

    I said it would NEVER HAPPEN!
    10 YEARS AGO WHEN I HAD MY EARS PIERCED whilst on a train trip to the west coast of USA I had 10 days not to worry. When I went back to the office I cut two very small pieces of broom straw and placed them in the holes. No one ever noticed! Broom straw from a house broom works wonders. Never a minutes trouble and it was free too!
    If you feel the need to explain yourself. Smile and Educate. Be proud of who you are!

    ."ALWAYS, SIT, SPIN, AND TUCK ONE FOOT BEHIND THE OTHER....NEVER CROSS YOUR LEGS"

    Emme as in "M"

  22. #22
    Gold Member sherri52's Avatar
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    I first got my ears pierced many years ago when I finally was tired of the clip ons leaving thier marks for hours after I took them off. Now I have five holes and always have at least three earings in.
    Put a little lipstick on you'll feel better

  23. #23
    Member ChanDelle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JodyCD View Post
    Thanks! So far so good, its been a week now, and I've recieved nothing but compliments..
    That's really good to hear Jody! Please keep us posted, you're an inspiration to others.

    ChanDelle

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