Think my fiance might suspect something.

[Josie M]

I guess I'm echoing everything else here but, regardless of whether she found your stuff or not, if she's your fiancee and this is part of who you are, she needs to know.

It's hard to do, it was hard when I told my future (now current) wife. Truth is though, she will find out eventually and this may be your best opportunity to tell her and get it out in the open.


Good luck to you

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I agree with pretty much everyone else in this thread. You have an obligation to tell her. If she did find them, not telling her is actually cruel because she's going to be thinking about it without you letting her know. Also she deserves to know before you marry.

[giuseppina]

HI Smile

You have an obligation to your fiancee to inform her about your crossdressing. It may be hard now, but the firestorm of finding out later will be far worse. I've seen plenty of GGs write about feeling they've been deceived and betrayed, and I have to agree with them. It isn't nice to feel like this.

If you come out to her now, even if she can't accept it, she will value your honesty. Keeping it from her is, frankly, selfish and dishonest.

Here is a link to a thread about this:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=90231

Good luck.

[suchacutie]

IMHO...

You have the perfect opportunity to show strength, integrity, and commitment to truth in the relationship. Take charge, take control. Be gentle, explain the emotional aspect (leave the sexual stuff out, please, this is not about sex) of the need to, on occasion, be your feminine self. Talk about the effort you've made to stop it and trying to come to grips with it and you need to open all this up to her as the right thing to do, since secrets in a relationship is deadly.

Take the high ground. You say you'll tell her before you are married so NOW is the time...

Be in control, contrite for having not talked about it sooner, but acknowledge that this is who you are.

There is no better way...take charge!

my

tina

[Laura_Stephens]

Trust us elders who are married. Tell her before you walk down the aisle. You owe it to her.

[Kerigirl2009]

Go with your gut instinct, if you suspect something may be bothering her, ask her what is she thinking about. You should know if she knows by her reaction. If she asks you about them BE HONEST!!! You have to show her you intend on being honest from this point. Good luck!!!

[JulieC]

You love this girl, want to spend the rest of your life with her, but just can't bring yourself to tell her? Past experience indicates she won't be accepting of you as a CDer if you do tell her and you'll lose her?

Hoo boy.

Look, do you want to spend the rest of your life living a lie? Do you want to marry a woman who is going to hate this essential part of you? Do you want to spend decades attempting to repress CDing urges, only to secretly do things behind your wife's back, maintaining lie after lie after lie? Do you want her to discover just how deep this is on her own after you've had a couple of kids with her and THEN have her leave you?

You have an opportunity here to avoid all that misery. A life alone is better than the hell you'll put yourself in if you don't tell her.

And don't sell yourself short. She is NOT the only woman in the world whom you could love and could love you.

In mile high letters, with neon light up as powerful as the sun, TELL HER.

Have an open discussion with her, and start being truly honest with her. If you don't, you might as well shoot your marriage in the foot.

[xdbiker]

Well Hunny i dont have eles to add all the other girls have said .. With that said you have wrote your thoughts in a nice Note for her to find I would Man it Up hand it to her and sit close to her while she reads it than wait for her to start the Questions to You But HUNNY dont wait any Longer you are Hurting YOUR self and Her Just My thoughts Jerzie

[sherri52]

I think you should take the opportunity to tell her. Only two people have been in that box and you didn't move anything. Tell her before she questions you

[NoraTV]

If you suspect that she suspects, or even if she would seem to be totally unaware, you really owe it to this wonderful person to tell her now. It does not have to be a negative thing. It can actually enrich and deepen your relationship as the two of you explore areas that are completely unknown to most couples.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

My two cents for what its worth to you and a little tough love...

As I see it, you have a major problem staring you in the face. Just about everyone here has said (and I agree) that you really should tell her all about yourself. You've already stated that she reacted badly to your suggestion of wearing lingerie during sex. You've also stated that you do not wish to tell her because you are afraid you will lose her.

Sorry, but that is a selfish way to look at the situation. You either lose her now, or lie some more, and lose her later when the stakes are even higher (both emotionally and financially) for both of you.

If you are that sure she will leave you then would it not be best to get it over with before the both of you have so much vested in your relationship?

This is a hard decision for you to be sure. Whatever you decide, I hope it does work out for you in a good way.

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[kimdl93]

You're enaged. She loves you. You have the obligation to tell her the truth. Who knows what she thinks now - if she's ok with it...great. If she's repressing or harbors suspicions, you can set the tone instead of letting her imagination do it for you!

If it goes badly, then imagine how much worse it might be for both of you if you'd waited till you were married.

[Samantha_Smile]

Okay, Im in agreement.
I need to tell her.
But tommorow is her birthday, were going out for her birthday at the weekend, the following week is her mum and dad's silver wedding aniversary party.
I know theres never a good time, but I hope you will all agree, this is a downright shitty time to tell her.
I dont want to potentially ruin the above for her.
It LOOKS like Im putting off, but Im not.
There is an element of avoidance, but also the fact that I cant destroy these times for her in the future, if she does leave me, I dont want her memories of her birthday and parents 25 years of marriage to be of me coming clean.
With tragic consequences.

[SamanthaS]

I think reguardless of if she knows or not, you should come clean. I kept it from my gf for years before she came across a pic of me dressed. She had the usual questions: "Are you gay, do you want to become a woman?" Now she's somewhat ok with it all. I wish I'd told her sooner and wish you well

[lavistaa62]

I don't know what a good time would be. Lots of things in marriage- losing ones job, having affairs, overspending, dealing with slights, having a car accident or getting a ticket- minor and major events all require the courage and conviction to talk with and discuss the topic with the one you love. How one topic is handled is quite often how other topics are handled. I didn't tell my wife until after we were married- a mistake in retrospect but she has ended up being accepting. On the other hand I'm positive our relationship would be better (not that it's bad!) if I'd told her earlier on.

[JulieC]

Okay, Im in agreement.
I need to tell her.
But tommorow is her birthday, were going out for her birthday at the weekend, the following week is her mum and dad's silver wedding aniversary party.
I know theres never a good time, but I hope you will all agree, this is a downright shitty time to tell her.
I dont want to potentially ruin the above for her.
It LOOKS like Im putting off, but Im not.
There is an element of avoidance, but also the fact that I cant destroy these times for her in the future, if she does leave me, I dont want her memories of her birthday and parents 25 years of marriage to be of me coming clean.
With tragic consequences.

And the week after that has Valentine's day in it.

Can't win for losing Make a pact with yourself; come completely clean with her by the end of February.

[Genifer Teal]

When you do tell her (you will and it better be soon ) take a positive approach. Don't dwell (or even bring up) the negative side. Sometimes we get beat down about this so much we begin explaining it by apologizing. Yes there are a lot of people (and the media) who have a lot of bad ideas about all this. You need to dispel her fears and tell her how it really is.

Think of it like the stereotypical nerd asking the prom queen out on a date. "You wouldn't want to go out with me, would you?" Talk about leading the witness, you are practically begging her to say no. So don't be that guy when you start to talk about this. Be positive, tell it like it is and have no shame about it. It is just something you do and if she is willing, you'd like to share this side of you with her.

Sex is discussion that is best kept separate. If you relate this to sex in any way, that connection will always be there in her mind. If that is what this is to you, then it is up to you what to tell her. If not, then steer clear. Even then she may make the connection on her own, so be prepared to dispel those thoughts later. The media doesn't help much in this regard.

The stress of hiding this will wear you down over the years. You have more than enough examples here of why you need to tell her BEFORE marriage. No one wants to ruin a good thing. As tough as it might be, if the relationship were to fall apart now, is a lot easier than dealing with that after the wedding. Do what is right for both of you and may you both live happily ever after.

Best of luck!
Gen

[AmandaM]

Before I told my wife, pre-marriage, I decided that I wasn't going to hide it. I wanted it to be accepted by any wife of mine. I couldn't bear the thought of living a lie, being in a soap opera the rest of my life. If she hates it, better to find out now while you're not married and don't have kids.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi S. I. S.

The sooner the better the truth is in order now.

Orchid

[Danielle76]

Wow. Just reading about how she probably found you out....My heart was beating fast just reading it. I positively DREAD the sound of a closet door opening for fear that my wife is opening the closet door with my stash in it. I absolutely hope that day never comes for me.

[Loni]

start with leaving a couple books about for her to read...then talk to her.

two books to start with

my husband wears my clothes, peggy rudd.

cross dressing with dignity also by peggy rudd.

there are others but both of these are quick reads.

talk and pay attention to what she says, the rest of your life starts there.

.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

start with leaving a couple books about for her to read...then talk to her.

two books to start with

my husband wears my clothes, peggy rudd.

cross dressing with dignity also by peggy rudd.

there are others but both of these are quick reads.

talk and pay attention to what she says, the rest of your life starts there.

.

Have you actually tried this? Cause to me it seems like a really passive and cop-out way to deal with it. It's still basically putting the hard work in her hands because now she has to think on her own about what you're doing leaving this books out and telling her to read them, rather than just sitting down and talking to her.

Those books could be nice to give her after the initial talk but not before.

[kimdl93]

There's a clear consensus - ya gotta do the right thing. Honestly, I don't think that it would matter much if you told her before her Birthday, or parents anniversary or Valentines. Believe me - her relationship with you as her fiance - is the most important thing in her life. those other things are dates on a calendar.

I know that each of us who is "out" to our SO probably approached it in our own way, but at some point, we finally blurted it out. (unless of course we were caught or outed, which is certainly worse than being forthright.)

I can't claim to have the right answer, but many of the comments above offered great suggestions. I like, for example, making as positive a statement about yourself...not all a bunch of apologies and self loathing. I'd want to make sure that first she understands that you feel its important, critical to the success of your lives together, to be truthful with each other. And in that spirit, you have something you feel you must say.

Maybe if you can pick up on some of the ideas above to convey the sense that cross dressing is something you like about yourself, need to be honest about and would willingly share if possible. And acknowledge that many people find it difficult to accept cross dressing. Its understandable and certainly every person's right.

Anyway don't delay much longer, and try to be positive, supportive and understanding.

[2b.Lauren]

This is your fiance, right? The woman you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with? Don't you think you owe it to her, and yourself, to be honest before you get married?

ts easy to say fess up when its not you who could potentially lose the only girl youve ever been able to imagine getting old with.
This is gutting me.
Why isnt there an easier way?

To who ever it was who asked if she has a problem with it...
About 3 years back we were both living in my mums house.
Just before we moved into our own place, I brought up the subject of perhaps having sex with me in lingerie.
I told her how much of a sexual kick I used to get as a boy when I wore my mums things (not telling her that it had matured into more that that over the years).
She said if she had known about the dressing thing before we became an item, she wouldn't have looked at me twice.
Not that she's anti CD/TV, but she wouldnt want her boyfriend to be one.
This is when I promised to stop.
Foolishly.
It went well for about 6 months, but then times were hard living away from home and I turned to that which calmed me down, made me less quick to anger and helped me embrace a more gentle me.
She never knew, and untill the incident that I started the thread with, she still didnt.

The question although understanding all of the complexities is pretty simple do you want to enter into Happily Ever After, upon a foundation filled with lies. If she is the one, then taking the risk now shows how much you really do love her, verses her finding out about this later and then having to wonder what she has based her life and love on. We as CD's get into so much trouble as the lie and the hiding continues to get bigger and richer, and then more out of control. It starts to spin and take on a life all of it's own. Loosing her would be horrible and I can understand that, but living a lie with her and then ultimately loosing her is even worse. Our spouses or significant others did not ask for this or sign up for this, as has been voiced by those that I consider the sages on this forum. I think we owe it to them to be honest and upfront in the beginning prior to trying to be married and still trying to keep all that pretty stuff in the closet. My wife knew about my dressing up front, she never wanted to be included in it, but was aware. It was funny I really thought she had forgot or selective memory took over, but she remembered. I reminded her about a year ago that I had been dressing again, she said I knew that, I know you have that little bag in your car, it is okay. Just please follow my rules. The point is she deserves to know about this. She deserves the power and a say on if this is a deal breaker or not. Then she can decide and if she can get past it then she will be your wife, but if she can't you have to be prepared to let her go. I think we have read about the many relationships that have gone down in flames and some recent post as a matter of fact, based on this very topic. I wish you all the best, don't hinge all of your decisions on did she or did she not see the stuff. That is not the real issue. You crossdress, and that is not going to change, and if she did not discover it a few days ago, chances are she will one day, and then here goes the next painful message regarding her finding out.

[Samantha_Smile]

Well, Emma found out.
And Im sad and dissapointed with myself that it wasn't from me but my internet history.

This all went down after I came home from work at 10pm (and was due in work this morning at 7.30am)
I walk in she is silent. I asked her if she is okay, as I would do normally, she says
"Did you know this laptop had an internet history?"

****

"No, I didn't. I'll go get out of these work clothes..."
as Im walking away, she says loudly,
"...And into some of mine???"

The initial bomb drop was the worst, she was in tears.
She was physically sick. And I sat there helpless feeling like I was falling from a plane.
I couldnt move, I felt like I was going to be sick.
Just as I thought about going to try to comfort her, she starts screaming at me to
"Get the **** out. I don't care where you go, just go"

I told her I wasn't walking away from her and I stayed.
Eventually, she calmed down.
The next four hours were questions Ive seen on here many times before.
"Do you want to be a woman?"
No, I like my ****.
"Have you been wearing my clothes?"
Stupidly I told her, No. This was a lie.
I was already kicking myself for the lie, I knew I'd be caught out later.
"It's either this or me...."

My heart sank.
t's been well documented that I love her beyond my vocabulary, but having tried to stop before... and failing, I was 99% sure I couldn't.
I told her this, in other words I think, andd more tears followed.
For both of us. I started shaking at one point.
I don't know if anyone has ever had the wind punched out of them, but it felt pretty much like that.
I pleaded with her for compromise, to no avail.
She said she couldn't see her man in me anymore.
Her engagement ring came off.
I broke inside.
She started talking about us sleeping in separate rooms untill I could find somewhere else. I'd never felt that alone in my life.
I tried my best to explain reasons why I do it, and how long Ive been struggling to accept myself, let alone come close to having someone else accept me.
I tried to apologise for not having told her sooner, but she didn't buy it, didn't blame her.
I knew I'd wrecked the trust. I'm still hoping it's not totally gone.
Much more happened, its all a bit hazy to be honest...
She went to bed around 2am, I sat on the couch feeling lost.
10 mins later she came back asking me to come to bed...
She needed to be held. And hold her I did, held on for dear life.
I think I eventually got to sleep at about 3am (and had to be up at 6- Didn't think I'd ever sleep)

Last night was probably the worst night of my life.
With no exception.

Today, got into work feeling like crap, feeling like I was gonna be sick. Got my break at about 10.30 and I text her.
I got a reply about an hour later, that just said
"Please come home"
I read this in work and my mind left the game. The department sister told me to go fone her, and find out what's happening.
I must have tried 10 times, but it kept going to voice mail, then I was REALLY worried, left her a message to fone me at work if need-be.

I got home at around 4pm.
"Why didn't you just tell me you'd worn my clothes?"
Why the feck did I lie?
Well, to tell you the truth, the state of mind she was in when she asked me the night before, I genuinely feared for my head. I thought she was gonna start throwing glasses at me.
Weak. I know. Stupid. Deffo.
Then she tells me that she had seen pictures of me.
I REALLY didn't want her to see that. Not like this.
Not after finding all this out from a computer. A faceless, emotionless blank of a machine.

But then, as if from no-where, she followed up with...
"...some were quite good"

Has she murdered me? Is this real?
She tells me that she's been on some help-line, something to do with something called Beaumont Society.
She said they were very helpfull. (she was talking to them whilst I was trying to call her from work earlier).

She later went onto the chat that's linked to the top of the forum using my login.
Someone called AmyUK (who is a moderator on the chat) had shown her some true compassion, and actually offered her phone number. They apparently talked for an hour and a half. He re-assuredd her that it didn't mean the end of me as a man. He even managed to get her smiling again.
AmyUK, if you are on here, I can't thank you enough for what you have done for my relationship with Emma. You may have just saved us.

We talked for a good 3 hours.
She was much more calm, and even seeming accepting.
She even started asking what clothes I liked.
She made it clear that I was NEVER to wear her stuff.
In fairness, wearing her stuff was properly wrong. I don't think I'll go there again...ever.
She even suggested a wig, and shoes! Complaining about how much size 11 heels cost LMAO! ("I can get two pairs for that!!!")
I started to open up more, and the conversation flowed.
Calmly. More importantly, lovingly.
I started to feel some hope that we had a chance here.

"You need your own stuff... Come on, we need cat food anyway"

And so off we went to Tesco!
I have never been so glad to be dragged around the womens clothes section.
She picked out a really nice blue satin dress on sale for £6!!!
A waist shaper/bra/body thing, and some stockings.
Then even some girly body spray and false nails!

This could well be the happiest Ive ever been.
Ever.
When we got home, she started going through her jewelery and make-up, giving me what she didn't use anymore!
Even some false eyelashes!

Turns out she didn't know about what I'd kept hidden at the start of the post.
But hey, it's turned out better than I could EVER have expected.
It's not how I wanted it. I wanted to tell her, and after she's read my posts on here, she believes this now.
She says she understands some of it. But theres a lot she doesnt get either.
So she's joining up. Well that's what she tells me.
I'm hoping this is the start of something great.
Baby steps.

Phew! New fingers please?!

I love you Em.