talk about a rollercoast ride! well, I hpe this truly marks the beginning of a positive, open relationship. It sounds good. As many have pointed out, the emotions etc come in cycles.
I can't think of how many people said "I told you so" about withholding and hiding. For newbies, all I can say is listen to the voice of experience. Don't hide the truth, don't wear her clothes (unless she invites you to do so) and for god sakes clear your browser history until you've come out!!!
Hi All
would just like to introduce myself, im smiles fiance, Emma
if anyone has any questions about my reaction please feel free to ask anything, im also looking for any guidance from experienced cross dressers and their partners.
Also just a massive thankyou to AmyUK (chat site moderator) , your an angel
xxx
Hi smileinsecret and stresskimo. I've been reading the thread, and I feel drained.
It's like stepping back a couple of years to when I came out to my wife. So similar. I'm so pleased it looks like you will work this out together.
Good on you both.
Welcome to the community stresskimo, as my wife is quickly finding out there is a bounty of wonderful people to talk to here for advice and information.
I just want to say congratulations to the both of you for so quickly overcoming such a huge obstacle in your relationship. That speaks a lot about how strong the love between you two truly is.
Anyway I'm sure that smiles wanted to tell your more than you probably know, but hopefully you understand why it was so difficult for him. But now that you've both taken the first step the fun can start
Two pieces of advice that I got from members here when I came out to my wife earlier this month that I feel have been very important to our relationship are:
First, explore the new side of him and your relationship at your pace Kimo and secondly keep a dialog open. Talk about his CDing occasionally, don't let it just get swept under the rug otherwise it may become a "secret" again.
Anyway good luck to you both
Couldn't have put it better myself.Originally Posted by KaraTV
Welcome, Emma.
I've been married for over 10 years, having told my wife about my crossdressing within the first couple of months of meeting and long before we became engaged. Opening up to her, not knowing how she would react is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's terrifying thinking that you've found someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but if you open up to them, you might lose them.
The fact that you're here is a very positive sign for your relationship.
Probably the most important thing that you're going to need to discuss now is setting boundaries that you can both agree to. Remember, though, that these will change as your circumstances change and you'll always have to be prepared to discuss changes. Boundaries might include in bed, around the house, going out, being out to relatives, etc.
Hello Emma,
Welcome to the forums. I wish it was under better terms.
A lot of members (including me) told your fiance he had a duty to you to come clean. Personally, I would not have chosen the path he took, but it's done and it can't be changed now. He made it a lot harder on you than necessary, and he's very lucky you chose to stay.
It's my choice to inform any girlfriend I may have sooner rather than later, and long before popping the question if I do the asking. The same goes for her if she has any ideosyncrasies. The only thing that's non-negotiable for me is they be at worst harmless. Drug and alcohol addictions, for example, are non-starters.
There is a genuine ladies (female at birth) section for you once you have 10 posts to your credit. I'm sure they will welcome you with open arms. They have had some issues with crossdressers obtaining access, so you'll have to jump through a few hoops to get in.
Dressing in the spouse's things is very much frowned upon here. He should have at least got his own stuff. Most of us see it as an invasion of the spouse's privacy.
There is a lot of material in the Loved Ones section for you to read. Here are two threads you and may find helpful:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=90231
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=12890
There are reasons CDs don't tell their spouses. The biggest single one is they are absolutely terrified of their reaction. In some cases, the relationship failed and the female half went on a vindictive rampage. Keeping children from their father is not uncommon. I won't name names, but their stories are on this and other similar forums.
The typical crossdresser is very much like a male who does not crossdress. Wanting prosthetics or other padding to give us the appearance of a more feminine form is very common. Most of us don't want permanent changes to our bodies apart from ear piercing. Temporary body hair removal is also common. Less common is permanent body hair removal.
From time to time you may hear of a crossdresser committing various crimes. These comedians contribute to negative stereotyping and do not represent the majority. They are criminals who happen to crossdress. The media seems to like sensationalising the crossdressing because it sells.
For my part, crossdressing is primarily escapism. I'm the first to admit it isn't realistic, but it works for me. I have no interest in going out in public beyond a very private backyard, but there are plenty that do. I also have no interest in hormones or surgery beyond ear piercing. I would like a pair of breast forms suited to my body and some hip padding. The drag queen look does not interest me. I prefer to appear as a dignified lady.
You do not have to accept this. It is entirely your choice. Frankly, it's better you found out now rather than five, ten, or more years down the road.
It's my impression, correct or otherwise, that the two of you have some trust issues to work out and probably some others as well. If necessary, put the wedding off until both of you are satisfied these issues have been addressed.
If you're afraid he will want to become a woman, you have the right to insist on a referral to a licensed, nonjudgemental gender counsellor or a psychiatrist, but stay away from anyone advocating reparative therapy. It is essentially repression, does more harm than good, doesn't work, and is just as unhealthy if not more so in the long run as a judgemental counsellor. Gender issues are more nature than nurture, but sometimes nurture exerts a powerful influence.
It's important to realise a counsellor can only provide an educated guess, not a guarantee.
If you decide to accept his crossdressing, it's a good idea to negotiate boundaries about what you're comfortable with and insist they be respected. Please recognise the crossdressing is part of him and won't go away, and an attempt to shut him down will only cause resentment. An external real-life support group has value, both for you and your fiance. Some may ask that he dress from time to time as evidence of crossdressing. Crossdresser clubs often have resources available for both crossdresser and loved ones.
If you cannot accept his crossdressing, it is probably best for the two of you to part and find other soulmates.
Good luck.
Welcoming her would have sufficed.Hello Emma,
Welcome to the forums. I wish it was under better terms.
A lot of members (including me) told your fiance he had a duty to you to come clean. Personally, I would not have chosen the path he took, but it's done and it can't be changed now. He made it a lot harder on you than necessary, and he's very lucky you chose to stay.
It's my choice to inform any girlfriend I may have sooner rather than later, and long before popping the question if I do the asking. The same goes for her if she has any ideosyncrasies. The only thing that's non-negotiable for me is they be at worst harmless. Drug and alcohol addictions, for example, are non-starters.
There is a genuine ladies (female at birth) section for you once you have 10 posts to your credit. I'm sure they will welcome you with open arms. They have had some issues with crossdressers obtaining access, so you'll have to jump through a few hoops to get in.
Dressing in the spouse's things is very much frowned upon here. He should have at least got his own stuff. Most of us see it as an invasion of the spouse's privacy.
There is a lot of material in the Loved Ones section for you to read. Here are two threads you and may find helpful:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=90231
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=12890
There are reasons CDs don't tell their spouses. The biggest single one is they are absolutely terrified of their reaction. In some cases, the relationship failed and the female half went on a vindictive rampage. Keeping children from their father is not uncommon. I won't name names, but their stories are on this and other similar forums.
The typical crossdresser is very much like a male who does not crossdress. Wanting prosthetics or other padding to give us the appearance of a more feminine form is very common. Most of us don't want permanent changes to our bodies apart from ear piercing. Temporary body hair removal is also common. Less common is permanent body hair removal.
From time to time you may hear of a crossdresser committing various crimes. These comedians contribute to negative stereotyping and do not represent the majority. They are criminals who happen to crossdress. The media seems to like sensationalising the crossdressing because it sells.
For my part, crossdressing is primarily escapism. I'm the first to admit it isn't realistic, but it works for me. I have no interest in going out in public beyond a very private backyard, but there are plenty that do. I also have no interest in hormones or surgery beyond ear piercing. I would like a pair of breast forms suited to my body and some hip padding. The drag queen look does not interest me. I prefer to appear as a dignified lady.
You do not have to accept this. It is entirely your choice. Frankly, it's better you found out now rather than five, ten, or more years down the road.
It's my impression, correct or otherwise, that the two of you have some trust issues to work out and probably some others as well. If necessary, put the wedding off until both of you are satisfied these issues have been addressed.
If you're afraid he will want to become a woman, you have the right to insist on a referral to a licensed, nonjudgemental gender counsellor or a psychiatrist, but stay away from anyone advocating reparative therapy. It is essentially repression, does more harm than good, doesn't work, and is just as unhealthy if not more so in the long run as a judgemental counsellor. Gender issues are more nature than nurture, but sometimes nurture exerts a powerful influence.
It's important to realise a counsellor can only provide an educated guess, not a guarantee.
If you decide to accept his crossdressing, it's a good idea to negotiate boundaries about what you're comfortable with and insist they be respected. Please recognise the crossdressing is part of him and won't go away, and an attempt to shut him down will only cause resentment. An external real-life support group has value, both for you and your fiance. Some may ask that he dress from time to time as evidence of crossdressing. Crossdresser clubs often have resources available for both crossdresser and loved ones.
If you cannot accept his crossdressing, it is probably best for the two of you to part and find other soulmates.
Good luck.
Hope all Canadians arent as crass and heartless as yourself.
Thanks to the rest of you for the help and support in this thread (and all the others lol).
Hiya Stresskimo!
xxx
Samantha -x-
Emma, I'm so glad you took the initiative to come here and visit with us. What a resource - both CDs and their SO's sharing from the heart. I admire and applaud your open mindedness and willingness to support Smileinsecret .
What I'd like to add to all that has been said before is - please have fun with each other. The happiest people you'll find on this site are couples that have found the joy in sharing the cross dressing experience.
So many of us have been hidden by a wall of secrecy and shame that we may forget this. Yes, some wives/gf's may not be able to embrace this part of us, but for those that do, there is so much to enjoy and experience together.
WELCOME Emma! I can't tell you how overjoyed I am that you are here! So many times we've read these "discovery" stories on here, shortly followed up with a "now we're divorced/broken-up" story. Major, major, major kudos to you for being able to weather the initial storm, stand tall, and try to understand.
A long while back, I remember reading something about a crossdreser spouse's bill of rights. One of the things on there was something like "I have a right to my clothes being worn only with permission". One of the biggest, biggest mistakes some CDers make is wearing the clothing of their spouse without permission. Smileinsecret, you learned this one the hard way. Oddly enough, it tends not to be a two way street. Many crossdressers report their wives frequently raiding their clothes for something they need, and doing so without permission. My wife has done this to me a few times in factStill, I only wear things of hers with her permission.
More importantly, the two of you have to come to a new understanding; no more lies about this. No more obfuscation. No more secrets. No more hidden thoughts. No more "I don't want to talk about it"s or anything like that. Emma, your husband to be, as he has noted, is not going to be successful in stopping crossdressing. He has a right to be who he is. That right doesn't mean you have to sacrifice what you are to be with him. You can come to agreements on how, when, and where he can express his female aspects without destroying your sense of him, or your sense of your (continually growing) relationship.
Emma, it may be hard but you need to find it in your heart to forgive him the secrecy, forgive him the lies. It is very, very hard for a man to come to grips with himself as something other than society's view of the 'perfect' man. Society places a very, very heavy burden on the shoulders of CDers, and secrecy, repression, lurking beneath the view of society is the norm. That doesn't forgive the lies and deceit. But, hopefully it adds understanding as to why. It is a horrible, terrible secret that CDers endure and suffer under. Few of us get it right the first time. If society were more accepting of the concept of a man wearing femme clothes, there would be no need for secrecy.
Both of you need to be conscious of the "pink fog". What it is; the overwhelming relief and outpouring of self that comes immediately following a spouse/girlfriend finally knowing the truth. It is very easy for a crossdressing man to fall prey to this. Shopping sprees ensue, the man spends tons of time crossdressed, talks to no end in ways that unintentionally are selfish about his newly released self, and the brooding spouse/girlfriend gets overwhelmed by it all. It is almost always a recipe for disaster. Take things step by step, slowly. Communicate. Don't talk at each other. One of the biggest most important things a CDer can do in this time is to really, truly, fully, completely LISTEN to what their loved one is saying.
Both of you need to remember that he's had his whole life to try to come to grips with this. You, Emma, have had but a few days. It's going to take a long time for you to catch up. It isn't fair to expect you to go from zero to 1000000km/hr on this overnight.
Emma, understand that the person you fell in love with is still the person in front of you. He hasn't changed. Your understanding of him on a conscious level has changed, but the person you fell in love with is still the person he is. Whether you knew it or not, the femme aspects of him are part of the reason you fell in love with him. He is still your man. He is still your love. Him wanting to wear a dress from time to time doesn't change that anymore than him wearing a pair of work boots vs. loafers.
We're all here, ready and willing to answer your questions. Your questions will evolve over time. Nothing you can ask will shock us, and the only stupid question is the one unasked.
thanks so much for that i know this is going to be hard at the moment its in my thoughts 24/7 i cant seem to switch it off, were talking alot, im most comfortable right now with offering advise, things like fashion tips and make up as this is a major passion of mine, i feel like im helping him, he enjoys learning about it and im staying involved but its the part of it im most confortable with.
We ve set boundaries which i know also are probably going to change with time. So for now im pleased with the progress. I just wish i could turn off so i can watch eastenders! lol
To get the right answers you have to ask the right questions
easy you can watch it on bbc iplayer anytime..seriously having read your warts n all thread and this one .. i congratulate you in gaining understanding and have set boundries ...
should you both need someone to chat to..
[CENTER]Be sure the brain is engaged, before putting the mouth into gear
[SIZE="3"]Sam and I Are Now Together[/SIZE]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
hello smileinsecret
who's a luck girl then, now don't go and spoil it, but take it slowly
small steps andspoil your SO.
good luck
carolyn xx
P.S. have you set a date for the wedding.
Last edited by carolyn todd; 02-04-2010 at 08:25 AM.
Welcome Emma to our family ! Jeannie and I wish you both the very best, You both have managed to find out early in your relationship, that two people can trust one another and that there does not have to be ANY secrets between you. Take this throughout the rest of your relationship, remember to respect one another's boundries (and not make too many boundries) . Encourage one another as well as build up one another.
A special note to Smilesinsecret. You have found someone who has kept you from going down a path that could have kept you hiding in guilt and shame for many years. By opening up to Emma, you have given her your trust. Respect Emma in all things, cherish the fact that she has had to reevaluate huge things in her life and that YOU have still come out number one in her life. Remember that under the clothes and makeup you are the MAN Emma want's and needs.
A special note to Emma. If Smilesinsecret ever gets out of line, just take her Makeup away for a week !
Best wishes
Kelly
I can only echo everyones warm regards and best wishe's .
However -
EastEnders ??
OMG - stick to Hollyoaks girl - tis a better quality of drivel - lol
xxx
Tell her you dress in them. And talk it out with her, It may be a good thing.
Angie
hope all is still going well for u both its hard to find out like that but now at least she knows good luck
Wow. I don't think I've ever been so enraptured in a post like yours. Seriously, I felt that dread as she asked if you knew that your laptop had an internet history...
Amazing story!
Hi Emma,
Welcome to the forums. Although you probably both have some way to go in better understanding this, you story is very inspiring. Thank you for having the courage to share
giuseppina - a little gobsmacked
:-( Wow - only thing you didnt do was pour ice cold water on this. you make everything we talk about here sound like a crime was committed
Last edited by Shelly Preston; 02-22-2010 at 06:14 AM. Reason: Merged Please use the edit button
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astair did .. but backwards and in HEELS!
If you're going to go respond to old posts, you should probably read the whole thread before posting.
-------------------------------------------------
~Riley
Check out my trans themed standup on YouTube!
My Tumblr Blog
It is so nice to see one of these stories work out. I am so happy for the two of you, and sincerely hope that as you both work through this that it will only bring you closer. The closet is a safe place, when you are the only one affected by being in there. When there is a relationship it becomes about more than just us as the crossdresser alone. We don't live and do things in a vacuum and so we must always be thinking about our actions and how they can affect the ones we love/those that love us. I am so happy to see she has joined the forum here, and is working things out. Good luck to you both!
Enjoying the softer side of life!
Haha!
I was going to post the EXACT thing when I got to the bottom of the page.
Old post dredge FTW
Thank you to everyone who has offered kind and supportive words. Things are still great between me and Emma, I can't see things going wrong for some time.
Emma has even invited Amy UK to stay over for a night in a bid to thank her in person for saving us... and so we can all get dressed up and get drunk! LOL
Love to you all
-x-
Samantha -x-
Ok, it's bad enough that you're playing thread necromancer here, but that's really your advice? Yes, it might cause damage to a relationship to come out, but it will absolutely cause more damage in the long run to actively lie about something to cover it up. The passive dishonest that comes from simply withholding the truth can be bad enough when one finally comes out or is discovered, but actual lies and deception are a recipe for future calamity. It's sort of like not getting your oil changed because it'll cost money to do it, and just waiting for the motor to blow up instead.
I'll bet you 100 to 1 odds that the outcome is 100% likely to be, she finds out via his computer history, is upset at first, but over the course of a week or so, she comes on this forum and posts in this very thread, and as a couple they work through their issues. I'd like to also bet that Avatar wins the Best Picture Drama prize at the Golden Globes, and that USA will beat Canada in hockey at the 2010 Winter Olympics. Are we on?So if this were Vegas I would say you have a 30% of a disaster--50% of a difficlut but toleratable situation-- and 20% of full acceptance..
-------------------------------------------------
~Riley
Check out my trans themed standup on YouTube!
My Tumblr Blog
Smile I'm so glad everything worked out for you, but she really didn't notice your stuff in the toolbox? How could she have missed them? you said when you looked they where right on top
just do it!
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