Why should they?

[busker]

Why should they?

I've been here for a while now and have had an opportunity to read a lot of the threads. Despite the half gazillion threads, they could all be boiled down to maybe a hundred topics and one of the most passionate topics is "when is my SO going to accept my dressing"? Hence, my question, why should they?
A member here continues to drive home the point that while it would be nice if his wife were just a bit more accepting, this wasn't part of the original wedding arrangements. She didn't ask to be married to a crossdresser and she/he accepts that point of view and is determined to make it work in her favor (at least I get that impression, not knowing her personally).
So it goes for all with an SO who wishes never to be involved in that part of their mate's life.
The other part of this post is a question of why continue to try and make a globe into a cube? At this point in life, one should start really considering the options that only adults can consider. Here again, its suggested-family first, dressing, if possible ,at the end of the day.
The other options are: divorce -if you are married you are freeing up your ex-spouse to pursue a life without a dresser and all the pains that go with that, and you to persue life as best you can with the possibilites of dressing when you want. That said, some men are not skilled enough to make it as a single person in this world, so this is a tough choice to make ; simply living alone and enjoying your passion for dressing (why is it so difficult to keep some things secret? Unfortunately, the closet has gotten a bad name over the years. I keep my balls in there--I wanted to be an all-star bowler) ; living alone and outing yourself (fraught with all sorts of unintended consequences or just the pure joy of living free of worry ); staying married and finding a place to enjoy your dressing (just like having a hobby, one doesn't necessarily have to take the whole family along and they may actually prefer that you did your own thing alone anyway) ; and finally, if every creative soul on earth waited to be patted on the head for what they wanted to do, there would be damned little art, music or literature, and a lot more besides, on this little globe we live on.
Finding a way to do what you enjoy without trying to drag everyone else along is very likely the way to go. It is a way to free oneself within the confines of a life that may seem difficult. There will be converts along the way (at their own pace and time) . Figuring out how one can incorporate themselves into the life around them should be the priority--hopefully the rest will follow.
Mandrake out of water

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

The wedding vows are vows of adjusting and compromising in a partnership. While the spouse may not agree to specifically being ok with crossdressing, the vows are "For better or for worse," not "as long as nothing ever changes."

[sherri52]

I have to agree with Ryan.
It's for better or worse. Was your wife a nagger before you got married. I married my second wife for love but I was attracted toher long hair, Longer than mine. At that time the middle of my back, later past my belt. Did I want her to cut it and get a perm. I don't think so, but I dealt with it. Why couldn't she deal with my dressing, and I didn't do it in front of her.

[Katesback]

Well said. Sadly I have a feeling all the effort you put into writting that post will fall on deaf ears.

I am a post opp ts gal. I learned that for the most part when one goes through transition you make a whole new set of friends. The ones you knew before tend to cease to be your friends. Why? Well you are not the person they knew anymore.

The fact that this happens should be a cue to CDs that for the most part SOs are not exactly interested in thier hubbies being girls. Are there some SOs that are? Sure but few and far between. And now I know I myself am writting to deaf ears. Guess we are both in the same writters club or something like that.

I dont know about you but I have a professional cat herder license.

Katie

[AllieSF]

I like what JiveT said. I also believe that each person needs to make their own decision on how they deal with this side of themselves and the people around them, including and most importantly their SO. Most of our members here are very mature adults, so they know the risks they are taking and the potential negative consequences of keeping all this a secret.

[aggi123]

Some secrets are tough keeping. To some people, secrets become terrible burdens. Covering one secret with a lie, simply creates more secrets and lies. The stress can become unbearable. I've barely dealt with it, and I had to let the horse out of the closet. Unfortunately for me, that includes telling my Girlfriend who (i think) has no idea about my dressing. Am I going to be taking a gamble and throwing it all away? You betcha. It will be far better now than later.

[Rachel Morley]

So what are you saying? ... it's a case of "put up or shut up?" ... hummm, .. where's the love? ... where's the understanding? Where's even the curiosity? If you really love the other person wouldn't you want to at least try to understand what makes them tick? I don't think it's unreasonable to open you heart to your wife and expect at least a little bit of empathy

[lingerieLiz]

Relations are made up of a lot of compromises. Most people entering a relationship give up relationships with other potential mates and many other things to form a bond. I know couples where one hates other things (not CDing) that their mates do and refuse to participate in the activities. Yet they don't seek divorce, they allow or comprise with their SOs. Yes there are things that can not be reconciled that end in divorce. Having been married for eons, my wife and I don't agree on several things, but we agree on the most important subjects. A relationship is constant adjustment as we grow older and learn we change, if you can't, you won't be happy in any relationship. That includes work. I know people who didn't like their job, quit and 3 jobs later still hate their job. They will never be happy and several are divorced.

[SuzanneBender]

The wedding vows are vows of adjusting and compromising in a partnership. While the spouse may not agree to specifically being ok with crossdressing, the vows are "For better or for worse," not "as long as nothing ever changes."

I am out right now waiting on a band to start playing. I read this post on my phone and this one hits close to home. I have to go through the frustration of typing on my Iphone to reply or I will be mulling it over all night. I shared this thread with the girls that I am out with (TS, CD, GG) and the overwhelming consensus is we vowed to love our spouse no matter the circumstances. We enter into that vow knowing that our spouses change and so will we.

The foundation of a relationship is honesty. One can perpetuate a lie and hide in the closet, but eventually that closet door and your balls (bowling of course, possibly even golf) will fall out and you will get caught. When that day happens you will not only be asking for acceptance you will be asking for forgivness for your betrayal. Trust me I have lived it.
Katie is correct. We shouldn't expect the love of our life to yell, "yippe my hubby wants to wear a dress and/or be a woman". She isn't going to grab the car keys in order to drive you to the salon and mall. But which is worse sheltering them from this reality or lieing to them about who you are?

For me this is not about simply receiving a pat on the head for a "hobby". This is about acceptance from those which I love. Acceptance isn't helping me chose my new breast forms. It is simply acknowledgment that we live with this in our lives and the search for a comprimise that allows both of us to live a happy life.

Unfortunately, many of us own up to this way too late in life. Our loved ones have to share the price for our not having the bravery to challenge society's norms earlier in our lives. That makes acceptance of this is difficult for them, but it does not negate the fact that we can't simply turn our transgenderism off. If we could I am sure there would be a significantly fewer number of T gals on T guys on this site. I could sell my motorcycle tomorrow if my wife asked, but I can't remove the fact that at my core is a feminine soul.

So to answer your question. Why should they? I don't know because I am not a GG wife wrestling with this. If I had to wager a bet its the same reason why two people marry... to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do they part. Ryan got it right on the first post.

That is just my two cents. I wish you were here so we could talk about this between sets over a drink or two. I am sure it would be a lot more fun.

[carolinoakland]

Well said, i think that you have to do what works best for a person and their situation. It's almost like the serenity prayer, you change what you can, accept what you can't, and wait for the day when you CAN change things.

[danielle.cd]

lets just say that the wife is bi sexual and married u ( person) because they love them for them now i dont see a big deal there, but if the women is straight up not into women at all (wich to me is a little strange cause women especialy if they have close friends somehow admire other women in some way) then i could see it being a problem, but in general most women just dont have an understanding of the dressing and feelings and alot of them will say your gay and or slander u for it and most crossdressers are not even interested in men at all .

if u really think about it why would they say that about a crossdresser and not about a clown, both dress up , they both were makeup, they both change there voice somehow, and they tri to be different people when there dressed, who knows maybe the wifes are scared of clowns. lol

[Sandra]

I don't remember in my wedding vows agreeing to being lied to and not trusted.



Perahps if all of you got off your high horses and came clean early on to your SOs then maybe just maybe things would be better.

[Karren H]

In my humble opinion, if they weren't made privy early on then they didn't sign up for this and don't have to accept anything!! I don't blame my wife for not accepting my crossdressing. Hell I wouldn't accept it if she did either... Good for the gander is good for the goose even if the gander wants to be a goosette!!

[SuzanneBender]

if u really think about it why would they say that about a crossdresser and not about a clown, both dress up , they both were makeup, they both change there voice somehow, and they tri to be different people when there dressed, who knows maybe the wifes are scared of clowns. lol

Clowns are creepy! I know they scare me.

In my humble opinion, if they weren't made privy early on then they didn't sign up for this and don't have to accept anything!! I don't blame my wife for not accepting my crossdressing. Hell I wouldn't accept it if she did either... Good for the gander is good for the goose even if the gander wants to be a goosette!!

I didn't expect my wife to accept when I told her. In fact, I expected to see my stuff tossed out on the front porch. She didn't have to accept it, but at that point there was really only two choices. Stay married and find a way to make this new revelation work (acceptance) or say the deal is off an get divorced. Karren I always read your posts and from what I have seen you wife is accepting. Its just not at the level you would like. If she didn't accept you she would have kicked you out on your pretty little Goosette kester.

It is hard for a girl to come clean with their spouse when they have not even come clean with themselves. This site is littered with wonderful TGs that thought they could make it go away and then realized long after they were married that this was not the case.

[minalost]

The wedding vows are vows of adjusting and compromising in a partnership. While the spouse may not agree to specifically being ok with crossdressing, the vows are "For better or for worse," not "as long as nothing ever changes."

I don't remember in my wedding vows agreeing to being lied to and not trusted.

Perahps if all of you got off your high horses and came clean early on to your SOs then maybe just maybe things would be better.

I have to agree with BOTH of these thoughts. And that's why some marriages make it, and some don't. And I don't think any of us are in a possition to judge a spouse who can't handle it.

I also think that it's wrong to blame the CDer for hiding what he/she is. The ramifications - job, family, friends... are just too great. We are also taught by society that we are "bad" for crossdressing, so, being unable (in most cases) to stop, we hid it.

All this being said, I still think that the best path is to tell your potential mate before getting married!

[Karren H]

Clowns are creepy! I know they scare me.



I didn't expect my wife to accept when I told her. In fact, I expected to see my stuff tossed out on the front porch. She didn't have to accept it, but at that point there was really only two choices. Stay married and find a way to make this new revelation work (acceptance) or say the deal is off an get divorced. Karren I always read your posts and from what I have seen you wife is accepting. Its just not at the level you would like. If she didn't accept you she would have kicked you out on your pretty little Goosette kester.
.

Actually there are more than two choices, in my humble opinion. Leave, stay married and work it out, stay married and make life hell... Stay married and ignore the situation... Stay married and leave... Leave and make life hell!! Lol. And my wife accepts me as her husband, not her girlfriend... So as long as I keep it out of her face, she turns a blind eye to my hobby... But the tension is still hovering in the background...

[minalost]

Actually there are more than two choices, in my humble opinion. Leave, stay married and work it out, stay married and make life hell... Stay married and ignore the situation... Stay married and leave... Leave and make life hell!! Lol. And my wife accepts me as her husband, not her girlfriend... So as long as I keep it out of her face, she turns a blind eye to my hobby... But the tension is still hovering in the background...

Thanks Karren for your usual dose of reality!

[Veronica75]

There's truth to both sides, but the fact that the issue is CDing and is being discussed on a site with a preponderence of CDs is going to skew things.

If the unapproved activity-- and I'll equate it further to CDing by saying thr unapproved compulsion-- were gambling or other women, our opinions might change. Both of those can, after all, range from more or less harmless (office pools, causal flirting), to significantly damaging (massive gambling debts, cheating).

In both those cases, as in CDing, there has to be compromise. In some cases that will be a spouse caving in entirely: such as letting her man keep a mistress with her knowledge (I've known this to happen). It could be a moderate path: the wife letting the husband gamle whatever he likes from his "fun money" as long as he doesn't touch the budget.

But it can also be-- and I think this is what is often missed on this site regarding crossdressing-- the husband realizing his activity hurts his spouse, and agreeing to fight the good fight and avoid the temptation to pursue his compulsive behaviors-- no, I will not gamble, no I will not flirt, and... no, I will not crossdress.

We can't help feeling the desire, even the "need" to crossdress, but we are all human beings with the tools built in to deny ourselves things that might draw us very strongly, especially if we know indulging those things can be harmful to our lives at large. Saying a wife needs to compromise and let her husband crossdress is too narrow-- there are situations where crossdressing (or gambling, or philandering) are NOT damaging to the relationship, based on a variety of factors, the most important being the attitudes of the people involved. But there are also situations where it IS damaging, and we each need to make our own decisions as to what we do, what we risk, and how we treat our SO.

[sallyjones]

i think we all go through some or all of it. but for god sakes dont throw your clothes away. long talks an understanding relationship are what lets us do what we do. but you married her and she you. so that should be very imporant in what you do in the future. its not cut and dry, all or nothing.

[danielle.cd]

its almost a double standerd cause i know my wife was fit a slimmer then and i liked here weight and now she has gained and expects me to just like it and deal with it well how am i to say well your not the same so im throwing you out, im not atracted to you now that i now u dont care for your body the way u used to. i could see if some one says im gay an i dont want to be with u but to want to be with her still emotionaly and physicaly i mean u agree to this when u get married good bad ugly sad all of it u may not like it but i married u and for u it is part of u just like someones past is part of them how it affects u is up to u but when u marry someone your not doing it so u can stay the same person all your life anyways if your gay or going to transition all the way to female i can see them not wanting to be with u anymore but not for just crossdressing

[Karren H]

its almost a double standerd cause i know my wife was fit a slimmer then and i liked here weight and now she has gained and expects me to just like it and deal with it well how am i to say well your not the same so im throwing you out.......

Ohh come on! She didn't hide her weight gain in some uber secret girdle that she unexpectedly exposed to you one day!! "News release..... 110 pound woman explodes to 250 pounds when her super girlde fails.... Photos at 11".

Not even close to being on the same level... In my humble opinion.

[CamilleLeon]

This assumes of course that you didn't tell your wife til after marriage...if she knows beforehand she did ask (well, chose to accept) to marry a crossdresser.

If it's important enough to you that you'd consider divorce or bitch about how unaccepting she is, you should have talked to her about it before you asked her to be your wife for the rest of your life. I know, I know, a lot of people think that marriage will somehow end their desire to dress up, and that's kind of your fault for assuming that getting married will change how you feel. I've never understood that arguement - it's just a lame excuse thrown out by guilt and denial and it ends up hurting a lot of people, especially if you wait through years of marriage before you own up to what you really are.

Why should she accept you if you've never been honest with her and yourself?

[TJ Tresa]

I am currently on my second marriage My first wife did not know abut My crossdressing, my current wife not only accepts but encourages it. Mu first wife and I divorced because I didn't make enough money, ( so much for better or worse, righer or poorer.) Now my second and current wife, found out about a month after we were married about my crossdressing.
Now with all of that said, please allow me to resopnd with this. In today's world, with divorce so easily available those vows go out the window for most of the population. I have heard several Mom's tell thier daughters that if it doesn't work out you can always get a divorce. This is the mind set for most marriages these days.
I do not feel that we, (crossdressers,) have a right to force our hoby, lifestyle, addiction, or what ever you want to call it, on to someone who did not know about before you got married. Think about it. Would you want your daughter to stayed married to an abusive drug user, when she had no idea that he had such a habit before, or even if he developed the habit afterwards. Do what is the difference.
Just so you all know I strongly feel that Marriage is a sacred institution and should never ever be entered into lightly, never go into a marriage with the idea that divorce is an option.
I wish all my crossdressing sisters couold be as fortunate as I am and have an accepting wife, however knowing that all of do not enjoy this. Let me say that you girls should make your choices based on the love of your life, the love for your wife, and wether or not you want to be happily married, just married, or divorced and alone. If you are not married as of right now, please before you get married be forthright and tell her about your feminine side. Let her decide before you get married if she can handle it.

[joandher]

I'm an old lady now and haven't told my wife all, she doesn't mind me under dressing even washers and irons my undies, but I couldn't tell her I was a c/d 37 years ago things like c/dressing and gay people etc etc ( I am 100% hetro ) were just not talked about you would have been committed to a hospital if you admitted to it
Times are so different now with all the technology there is today ,also a greater under standing of acceptance, the younger generation should have no problem in broaching the subject with there intended,
What would your s/o say if you became an addicted gambler or alcoholic or something similar

J-JAY

[melissacd]

Each of us has our own set of experiences in life that sets the tone for what we will and will not agree to accept. Some have lived lives that allow them to modify the filters that they look at life through because the love is the most important thing. Others just do not have that ability. Their filters trump anything else and so they cannot accept anything that goes outside of that range.

I accept that my ex wife has a point of view that can never include cross dressing, it is her right to believe whatever she wants, to have her own truth. I also accept that my point of view could not leave cross dressing out of the equation.

Her point of view was as valid and correct for her as mine was and still is to me. We hit an impasse that we could not resolve and after 25 years together decided that we would be better off not being together. It was a painful choice but really in the end the only choice that could be made.

Now she lives her life happily and the way she wants and I do the same.

The real issue is a) being able to accept that another person's point of view is equally valid to your own or anyone else's for that matter and b) being willing, after a reasonable attempt to work through it, to let go and move on.

Staying together because of some idealistic concept of what people who love each other should do and be willing to accept is just a pipe dream. If a person does not like an aspect of you that they never signed up for they are well within their rights to choose not to be there, not to be a part of it. Is it sad, yes. Is it painful, yes. Is it the right thing, sometimes yes and sometimes no. Every situation is different and has to be worked through in the most reasonable way that we can, but we always have to be prepared to let go if in the end we have tried our best and can see that moving on is the best choice when all else fails.