I love the Internet. It has been a in-disposable guide for me on my path of self discovery and acceptance. Without it, I may have never been able to come to terms with myself.
I barely was able to get a computer in 2004, before that, my Internet access was limited to shared computers, and public library ones. So I never really got to learn much about trans-folk, except from Jerry Springer and such, which scared me.....
I had been crossdressing whenever possible since moving out when I was 16. Before that, I was limited to the very few times I would be home alone. Crossdressing was something that I thought about a lot, but seldom got to do.
So living with some privacy gave me the ability to have a small wardrobe. Just a couple of complete outfits, and maybe one cheap wig.
However, with only privacy being in my bedroom, I was unable to dress as much as I wanted, once again only getting to be home alone very seldom. The urge would become so great, that I would HAVE to go out dressed, just so I could have more girl time. I did not interact face to face with anyone in those days wile dressed.
Then I met a girl and fell in love. That was the only time in my whole life that I forgot about my "problem" ...or so I thought. After knowing her only a few weeks, one night I was alone at our place, playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw her clothes in the closet. In a flash, the urge to dress came right back, so I tried on some of her stuff. I felt extremely guilty and ashamed for still being the same. I hoped that I could cope with the urges. Soon after we had a child and got married (yes, in that order).
Around a year later, I bought my first computer, and after a week of suffering with dial -up, I splurged for the then blazing fast high speed Internet.
My new secret hobby was learning as much about crossdressing as I could. I found lots of great information, and the more I learned, the more I wanted to learn. I was inspired to start a new collection of clothes, makeup and a wig, and by studying my wife do her makeup, I learned a lot. But there was something wrong. I wanted to try to be a woman as much as possible, and many of the crossdressers I read about were not interested in passing. Some were fixated on a particular article of clothing, like hose. I was not finding many people who paralleled me, so I feared I may be even more different than I thought.
I don't know when I started to learn that there was a difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual, but as I started to read the stories of trans women who had transitioned, or were transitioning, I began to see many, many striking similarities in our stories. And it scared the hell out of me. Because as soon as I started to see transitioned women, living happy wonderful lives, I knew in my heart I needed to do that also, but would not admit it to myself for a while still.
But while I was on a path of self discovery, I was totally neglecting my new bride, and child. I wanted to be alone to "study", so I would hardly do anything with her, and after several months of this, she started to look to other men to satisfy her needs. That pushed me over the edge and I told myself if she does what she wants, I'll do what I want. On one of her nights off she was visiting her "friend". I got all dressed up and called her, saying an "old friend" was waiting at our house to see her. Well, there was no way out then, and needless to say she was not pleased. Long story short, we split up, and I got my own place. were good friends today, but we still have disagreements on who's fault thing were. I say you cannot be over 50% responsible for any relationships failure, and that's all I'll ever cop to.
Finally I had my own place to do as I please. I started to accumulate clothes and makeup and stuff again. I started to get very good at doing my makeup. I would be at work thinking about getting home all day to the point of distraction. Then I would go up and down...one day happy to be me, the next day, wishing I was never born. One day I read something that was scientific, talking about the physical differences between men and women, and it just crushed me. Dressing up is not enough- going out in public dressed is not enough- passing is not enough- I NEED TO BE A WOMAN, NOT JUST DRESS LIKE ONE!!!! I thought I could never be what I felt in my heart was who I really am, and that made me think that I may take my own life one day.
Thankfully, I had found this site somewhere along the way, and wise members guided me,sometimes directly through the forum, sometimes indirectly through someone elses' post. It was here that I saw that with hormones, surgery, and hair removal, some women were not only happy and well adjusted, but beautiful as well. And that gave me the greatest gift I'd received from the whole Internet- hope. Hope that I can be who I want and need to be.
The girls here showed me that coming out can and has been done, and to have faith in the ones who love you, and to have faith in yourself. I came out around a year ago, and I haven't looked back since. I've been on hormones for 5 months, with my doctors supervision, of course, and I couldn't be happier.
I see so many posts here that remind me of , well, me. Some good, some bad. Maybe some of you will see yourself in me, and can use my experiences as a kind of "crystal ball" .So I hope my little tale is enjoyed, I know I enjoyed writing it!
Originally Posted by Kerigirl2009
