What's stopping you?

[Kate Simmons]

There are many threads and postings here about going out, passing , blending, interaction with others or whatever that seem to be major success stories for the somewhat bolder CD's and TG's here. My question is: Inspired by these highly successful folks, what is stopping you from just going out and doing what you want as your femme or as some have stated your "real" self?

I know the answers are probably various and sundry and in most cases predictable. This is the real conundrum about crossdressing and the very nature of the "beast" and reason it will never be accepted in the mainstream. By definition it has to be an individual thing as each person has to find their own comfort level at their own pace. So what is stopping you from going out and totally fulfilling being your femme or "real" self in the way you would like to?

[kimdl93]

hmmm, so far no reactions to this question. So I'll take a stab at it.

I'm "out" to my SO and commonly in some degree of dress whenever I'm at home - with the rare exception of when we have some company. But, thus far, I haven't been out in public in full dress...discrete, subtle partial dress yes, but not fully.

I suppose part of my reason is deference to my SO. While I know she'd enjoy going out to a costume party or other event where everyone was in drag, I don't think she'd have the same comfort level if we went out to dinner in full dress.

Second, to be honest, I just don't feel practiced/skilled (i.e. pretty enough to go in public.

[minalost]

Money and my wife.

I don't have the money to purchase the things I need to replace everything from my last purge - working on it one step at a time...

My wife has made it clear that she doesn't want me to go out in public dressed as Mina. This is a harder one to over come. I'm hoping that, once I'm presentable, I can talk her into some "other town" outings. I'd really like to join a support group (nearest I've found is 400 miles away ...) or attend a convention like Southern Compfort . We'll keep working on that one.

[Karren H]

"She who must be obeyed"!

[Brandi Wyne]

I have found that I am in "jail". The crazy thing is that I AM the jailer, too. I sit here in my little room with the key and never use it to free myself. Why is that? Perhaps I am so "institutionalized" that I am afraid of living "out there".

There is a saying that "everything costs something." The question always is, what is the price and can I afford it or am I willing to pay it?

I have always struggled with my identity and have formed one around conventional thinking. I've done this for so long that I'm more or less used to it. Now, I am taking on my other identity. It's new to me and I'm uncertain of how to live with it and all that it means to me and others around me.

[Sarah Doepner]

"She who must be obeyed"!

I'm with her. But I know her concerns are less for me or even her, but for her parents and our grandkids. I think they'd come to like it but it won't be put to a vote since I don't live in a democracy.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

Never accepted by the mainstream? I think that's a very pessimistic and short sighted view. The fact that so many of us can and have come out as your own post suggests is a sign of a turning tide. Slowly turning yes but turning just the same.

Sometimes I think we lose sight of just how fortunate we are compared to the generations before us.

[Nigella]

Never accepted by the mainstream? I think that's a very pessimistic and short sighted view. The fact that so many of us can and have come out as your own post suggests is a sign of a turning tide. Slowly turning yes but turning just the same.

Sometimes I think we lose sight of just how fortunate we are compared to the generations before us.

I can fully support this post. Without hijacking the thread, it is a slow process and the more people that find the courage to overcome their own fears, the quicker we will be seen as "Normal".

But back to the original question, Although I am out now, before I came out it was not anyone holding me back, it was quite simply how others would perceive my family.

Sometimes in our rush to get out and be seen we forget the others who may be affected by our desires.

[Danielle Gee]

I have found that I am in "jail". The crazy thing is that I AM the jailer, too. I sit here in my little room with the key and never use it to free myself. Why is that? Perhaps I am so "institutionalized" that I am afraid of living "out there".

There is a saying that "everything costs something." The question always is, what is the price and can I afford it or am I willing to pay it?

I have always struggled with my identity and have formed one around conventional thinking. I've done this for so long that I'm more or less used to it. Now, I am taking on my other identity. It's new to me and I'm uncertain of how to live with it and all that it means to me and others around me.

I’m in the same boat as Mickey “In a prison of my own making” Realistically I know that under the right circumstances I could pass, But I always come up with some lame reason for not going out. Fear is a very strong emotion in some of us.

If have gained a lot of strength from the women on this group. I only been a member for mere months, and I’ve been discussing with my Sweetie more and more the possibility of a trip out into the big bad world.

Dannielle

[kellycan27]

Never accepted by the mainstream? I think that's a very pessimistic and short sighted view. The fact that so many of us can and have come out as your own post suggests is a sign of a turning tide. Slowly turning yes but turning just the same.

Sometimes I think we lose sight of just how fortunate we are compared to the generations before us.

I tend to agree with the OP in as much as with such a diverse group it's hard to put together a concerted effort to state our case. As you stated there are a lot of us able to be out there,but it seems (just by reading the posts) that one by one we are slipping through the cracks with individual effort rather than as a group. And in doing so we are in fact furthering our selves, and yes..... slowly turning the tide. I don't think that we will ever gain the same success as say they gay community, simply for the fact that there are many who cannot accept themselves much less being accepted by society.
As long as we keep ourselves closeted because of the social stigma that is associated with what we do, we will remain on the fringe and stay a mystery
to the mainstream folks. Doesn't hiding and sneaking around tend to porpagate the myth that we are doing something that is wrong or that we should be ashamed of?

[theresa]

I've been going out now since last year after 8 years of dressing privately.

What changed? My fear of not looking good enough. My fear of being "outed". Just fear in general.

I finally took the big step and went out and discovered that with reasonable precautions, "the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself". I find my main challenge now is to not get too crazy when I go out.

[kellycan27]

I've been going out now since last year after 8 years of dressing privately.

What changed? My fear of not looking good enough. My fear of being "outed". Just fear in general.

I finally took the big step and went out and discovered that with reasonable precautions, "the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself". I find my main challenge now is to not get too crazy when I go out.

That's awesome... maybe for your next big step... you can get "crazy"!
Kel

[Kate Simmons]

I personally love all the encouragement here but the thinking person has to take it under advisement. Some have more constraints than others. I think many problems may come in when someone may try to emulate someone else's efforts or standards and become disappointed or discouraged when they don't get the same results. I've found the best way to proceed for myself anyway is to develop yourself at your own speed and the critics be damned whoever they may be. We are not the only ones who need to "come of age" in any case, the onlookers do as well in most cases. That being the case, we should only take criticism for what we think it is worth.

[minalost]

"She who must be obeyed"!

yes dear, no dear, what ever you say dear. I'm

I personally love all the encouragement here but the thinking person has to take it under advisement. Some have more constraints than others. I think many problems may come in when someone may try to emulate someone else's efforts or standards and become disappointed or discouraged when they don't get the same results. I've found the best way to proceed for myself anyway is to develop yourself at your own speed and the critics be damned whoever they may be. We are not the only ones who need to "come of age" in any case, the onlookers do as well in most cases. That being the case, we should only take criticism for what we think it is worth.

Yes. We have to take ALL advise on this site in our own context. What works for some doesn't always work for all.

[ReineD]

My question is: Inspired by these highly successful folks, what is stopping you from just going out and doing what you want as your femme or as some have stated your "real" self?

If I may offer a GG's point of view, we all need social interaction and acceptance, at a level that is closer than arm's length. Most of us need family, friends, and the respect of coworkers, or at least we prefer to work in an environment where we are not avoided.

Most people we interact with distantly (SAs, restaurant personnel, bank tellers, people on the street, etc) will treat TGs with respect. They may look askance at a TG and not understand why the need to do this, but my experience has been that most people are not outraged and don't hurl insults if they read us. These people move on with their day and don't think twice about us as soon as we are gone.

It is quite a different matter to accept the presence of a TG when it is in your own backyard. Maybe I am letting my fears get the better of me, but I do sense that many people I know would not want to do things with us dressed, unless they are themselves in the GLBT community. I can't imagine my sons, or my SOs family, friends, or most of the colleagues welcoming us at the dinner table or being able to easily get beyond the appearance of the CDing. Even if they do know and acknowledge that we do this, but prefer to not see it, then what is the point of telling them? Would their feelings towards us change?

Many of us say if our friends are true they will accept otherwise it is their loss, but I do feel that many doors close when someone is fully out, at least as it is right now in our culture. Would chances for promotion be thwarted or would the TG lose her job? Would friends prefer not to have to 'deal' with this, not want to expose their kids to people such as us, or perhaps not have their other friends know? Would our kids be made fun of at school? Much of this depends on where we live and how liberal the people in our lives are. But judging from general comments I've heard about TGs from so called 'educated' friends, the world is far from accepting, even if there is an acknowledgment that TGs exist and even if intellectually some people believe in the basic human right of self-expression.

The people I've known who've come out have not had it easy. If it is a question of absolute need, for example if someone is TS and they cannot live as their birth-gender, then no sacrifice is too great. (Edited to add: the amount of sacrifice has much to do with a TS's birth physiognomy ... height, a more male appearance, etc). But if a TG is happy in both guy and girl modes, is it necessary to subject herself and her family to potential ostracism by telling everyone and living femme openly?

I don't know the answers. I'm just speaking of my own fears.

Good question. Nigella has a similar thread going on.

[kellycan27]

I personally love all the encouragement here but the thinking person has to take it under advisement. Some have more constraints than others. I think many problems may come in when someone may try to emulate someone else's efforts or standards and become disappointed or discouraged when they don't get the same results. I've found the best way to proceed for myself anyway is to develop yourself at your own speed and the critics be damned whoever they may be. We are not the only ones who need to "come of age" in any case, the onlookers do as well in most cases. That being the case, we should only take criticism for what we think it is worth.

I totally agree that not everyone can do it because of mitigating circumstances, and nobody can be blamed for those circumstances. It just..is... what it is.

[gennee]

[SIZE="4"]I'm out quite a bit. Having migrated from CG/TV to TG/TS, it's been a seemless transition for me. I understand that not everyone can be public about their dressing. Others are content to do it in private and I respect that.

Gennee[/SIZE]