Almost Outted En Drab

[Persephone]

Yipes! Like my signature tagline says, "It's very difficult to know whether one is being brave or being reckless" (Dr. Henry Marsh, The English Surgeon).

My spouse and hubby (me, en drab) have enjoyed a little local restaurant for years, we're well known by the staff and management, etc.

And my spouse and I (en femme) workout at an all-women fitness center, where we are also well known by the staff and the clients.

But the two places are in the same small shopping center.

Well, for the past year, despite how close they are, paths have not crossed . . . until tonight.

As often happens, we went to the fitness center and did our exercises, then we rushed home, and, eight minutes later, spouse and hubby emerged and headed back to the shopping center, and the restaurant, for dinner.

Only one of the other clients of the fitness center was also in the restaurant having dinner!

We ended up about three tables away from her, me with my back to her. We were ready to introduce me as my own "twin brother" should the occasion arise.

We were nervous throughout dinner, but, as sometimes happens, we apparently "dodged the bullet" as she and her party finished and left without, apparently, ever having seen us.

Whew! There is no way I'm ready to be outted as a guy!

[Kathi Lake]

Nice one! I guess I'm not the only one with close calls this week! Gee, I wish that I had a fear of being outed as a guy.

Kathi

[UASIANGAL]

I'm curious... how did you get into an all women's fitness center?! That must be hard to do! If someone found out, I wonder if there would be legal issues.

Good luck. You must be very passable!!!

[Sally2005]

Funny story...in that you are getting read in reverse... The one time something like this happened to me, I was with my wife in costumes and she was recognized by a good friend. The friend then put two and two together and read me. He said, if I was alone he never would have recognized me. Get your wife a disguise... :-)

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

That reminds me of a time I went out with my friend and before I got en femme we had dinner at a bar/restaurant we frequented. Then we went to her place, I got done up then we went to a lesbian bar for a few hours. When we were leaving we were a bit hungry so we decided to go to the same restaurant as earlier. Lo and behold we had the same server! She didn't say anything about it but we figured she had to recognize my friend and by extention me.

[Persephone]

I'm curious... how did you get into an all women's fitness center?! That must be hard to do! If someone found out, I wonder if there would be legal issues.

Apparently, I pass! My spouse and I just went in and joined. I actually toured a few of them before we joined the one we did.

I don't fully know about legal issues, but, where I live, the government feels that if I think I'm a woman, then I am a woman. I am a "protected class" or an "endangered species" or some such thing, like a rare bird or fish.

Good luck. You must be very passable!!!

I've seen your pictures and you look very passable yourself!

[sherri52]

Years ago I would have worried now I have no spouse therefore have no one to embarass.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Persephone...people aren't dumb. And here's something I don't understand...

you're married, but IIRC you've been out on movie dates with men

you go out en femme...a lot , and women from your church have seen you at the nail salon and you do the androgynous thing as well and you're worried about being outted and were ready to use some silly "twin brother" excuse.

WTF! C'mon, I bet it's common knowledge and gossip what you are in your locale.

Veronica Rogers

[Rachel Morley]

Whew! There is no way I'm ready to be outted as a guy!

Ha Ha .. LOL ... I can totally relate in the sense of not wanting people to "know that I'm a guy". I know it's not quite the same but our TG group the River City Gems has what we call "Drab Gabs" for newbee CDers and folks who are shy about dressing in public to get together and chat while in drab. I am always getting invites to attend .... I think to myself there is no way that I want people who only know me as Rachel to see me in my boy mode. That would so burst the bubble.

[Persephone]

Persephone...people aren't dumb.

you go out en femme...a lot , and women from your church have seen you at the nail salon and you do the androgynous thing as well and you're worried about being outted and were ready to use some silly "twin brother" excuse.

WTF! C'mon, I bet it's common knowledge and gossip what you are in your locale.

Veronica Rogers

Wow, Veronica! You shoot an arrow so straight into the heart that you're either Cupid practicing for Valentine's Day, or an accomplished bowhunter!

And you have quite a memory!

And here's something I don't understand...

you're married, but IIRC you've been out on movie dates with men

Only a bit different than what I wrote last July:

This really nice guy friend invited me out to lunch yesterday. He's always polite, holding doors, etc. and treats me like a perfect lady. He pays for everything as if we were on a date and seems to expect nothing in return other than my company for the day.

Maybe I'm making myself feel better, but it was "as if."

O.K., now on to the heart of the matter, the heart that you so deeply skewered.

First off, my actions and experiences are real, and I post them here because I feel that they may be of help and support to others, because sometimes I just want to "gush" and tell someone and this is my best private place, and, probably, because sometimes sharing some of my exploits strokes my ego.

Everything I post here is true, certainly as I see or experience it. I know that you know that, but others, reading some of my posts, may not, so I wanted to get that out of the way.

Next, yes, you are certainly right, people are not dumb and they do gossip.

So the real arrow in your message is that I'm not "fooling" them, I'm "fooling" myself, and you could be right.

I do live on a very weird and dangerous tightrope, one that could easily be called "beyond stupid," or perhaps even delusional.

If there is hope for my thought pattern, here's how I see what is happening.

For full common knowledge and gossip to take place, I'd have to be in a "circle of friends"

with me in the center.

But I don't think most of our lives are like that. They are more like Venn Diagrams,

a cluster of different circles, some of which overlap each other, and some of which don't, with us in the center.

What I'm doing, sometimes desperately, is trying to juggle those circles, keeping some en femme, some en drab, and some with both.

Why? Two reasons.

First, because part of me lives in circles that wouldn't get along very well -- I live in some worlds that are "men only" and some that are "women only" and I have things at stake if those are compromised.

And, Two, and perhaps most important to all of us, because our current world is divided into male or female. People will only accept one or the other, even when they accept transsexuals.

So sure, if I declared myself full-time in one world or the other, there would be no problem. I could bring almost all of the circles together as a man or as a woman. Very few people I know would probably have trouble with that.

But I do not consider myself a transsexual, I consider myself a crossdresser -- perhaps just by too many years in "boy world" -- and people just aren't ready for a "shapeshifter," for someone who moves back and forth.

Does that make sense?

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Wow, Veronica! You shoot an arrow so straight into the heart that you're either Cupid practicing for Valentine's Day, or an accomplished bowhunter!

I'm USENET trained and try to get to the crux of a matter.

And you have quite a memory!

That and excellent search skills.

First off, my actions and experiences are real, and I post them here because I feel that they may be of help and support to others, because sometimes I just want to "gush" and tell someone and this is my best private place, and, probably, because sometimes sharing some of my exploits strokes my ego.

Actually my reasons are pretty similar too.

So the real arrow in your message is that I'm not "fooling" them, I'm "fooling" myself, and you could be right.

yes, that's the arrow all right. Though I'm not certain fooling is the right word.

[quuote]
I do live on a very weird and dangerous tightrope, one that could easily be called "beyond stupid," or perhaps even delusional.[/quote]

I think "very precarious" is a better term.

If there is hope for my thought pattern, here's how I see what is happening.

But I don't think most of our lives are like that. They are more like Venn Diagrams,

a cluster of different circles, some of which overlap each other, and some of which don't, with us in the center.

Ack! Venn Diagram! You scare the poor defenseless VeronicaMoonlit with your mathematicalness. :-)

But I do not consider myself a transsexual, I consider myself a crossdresser -- perhaps just by too many years in "boy world" -- and people just aren't ready for a "shapeshifter," for someone who moves back and forth.

Does that make sense?

Yes, it does and thank you for describing your thought/emotional process about "This thing of ours", it was very interesting reading.

Though frankly, I think that your juggling will be impossible and impractical to maintain over time. By that I mean, it will become impossible to keep the knowledge that guy you and Persephone you are one and the same from people. And IMHO your circles probably bleed and mix a bit, since people do talk. And we ourselves, people with "this thing of ours" tend to bleed and blend over time.

Veronica Rogers

[Persephone]

I'm USENET trained and try to get to the crux of a matter.

OMG, USENET! Is it still out there? Haven't looked for it in years.

That and excellent search skills.

I noticed that . . .

So the real arrow in your message is that I'm not "fooling" them, I'm "fooling" myself, and you could be right.

yes, that's the arrow all right. Though I'm not certain fooling is the right word.

I think you've identified a very real danger in what we do. We allow ourselves to imagine who we are.

I do live on a very weird and dangerous tightrope, one that could easily be called "beyond stupid," or perhaps even delusional.

I think "very precarious" is a better term.

Like teetering on 5.5" stilettos while standing on the edge of Grand Canyon?

I used to be much "smarter" about these things, very circumspect. It makes me wonder why I am now this bold. Is it because I'm older? If so, what has changed? Do I just not give a damn about what others think? If so, why am I not willing to just go "totally public"?

I think that there are questions that each of us has to answer for herself and that's one of the reasons it is so important to post and to discuss them here, so that each individual has more information on which to consider her own options.

Yes, it does and thank you for describing your thought/emotional process about "This thing of ours", it was very interesting reading.

Though frankly, I think that your juggling will be impossible and impractical to maintain over time. By that I mean, it will become impossible to keep the knowledge that guy you and Persephone you are one and the same from people. And IMHO your circles probably bleed and mix a bit, since people do talk. And we ourselves, people with "this thing of ours" tend to bleed and blend over time.

Veronica Rogers

You are probably right, Veronica. I remember an article about Larry Craig, the Congressman who was involved in an alleged gay sex solicitation in the Minneapolis airport bathroom, but I can never find it on the internet (and, like you, I think I have pretty good search skills). It suggested that deep inside he knew better, that, in fact, his actions were "suicidal," suggesting that he wanted to out himself.

That article affected me deeply, and I keep wondering if I'm not trying to stumble over myself, crossing paths, until I "out" myself.

I like to think that's not what I'm doing, but I do wonder.

What about you and others here? How many are really on a collision course with their own destiny?