I recently posted that I was in a new relationship with a wonderful woman and that I had told her all about my CDing and my experiences.
We are very open with each other and on Sunday night, after a very intimate weekend together, we somehow got on the subject and I ended up telling her that I post here; not often, just occasionally when I feel the need to express myself or work through things somewhat ‘aloud’.
I also told her I post here under MalibuJenny, as I had lived there and it was a play off of “Malibu Barbie”.
She went back home late that night and when I woke up the following morning (yesterday) I realized that she may Google ‘MalibuJenny’ and come across some things that might be a bit startling. So I Googled myself and found a few old profiles I had posted on sites and had forgotten that when I put those up – at least 10 years ago – I listed myself as ‘bisexual’ because I was at that time curious about men.
So, even though I had told her all about that, specifically that I had ample opportunity to act on this curiousity and merely decided it was not for me, I knew she might come across it and get the wrong impression. I had not been on those sites for quite a while and had frankly forgotten about them. I decided to quickly change my orientation to ‘straight’ as it is the accurate reflection of my sexual preference. But I didn’t delete any photos, posts or my profiles. I have never been ashamed or embarrassed about any of this.
I had also told her about a post I made here recently where I talked about our sex life a bit. I paraphrased it for her and it seemed to mean a lot to her.
Sure enough, last night while back at her apartment (we had spent the previous 3 days traveling together and at my place) she Googled ‘MalibuJenny’ and more or less flipped out. She sent me a text saying she was angry and upset, felt lied to and wasn’t ready to talk about it.
I called her and she called me back an hour or so later.
Turns out she spent quite a bit of time looking at my posts here and my personals on those other sites and was angry that I had changed my profiles in what she thought was an obvious attempt to deceive her. (I guess at least one of them showed I had been on that day and changed my sexual orientation.)
I merely explained my thought process… That I had written and posted things anonymously and had never thought I would share that information with anyone and when I did happen to give her the key (my username) to look these things up, it didn’t occur to me until the next morning and I merely updated my profiles 1) so she wouldn’t get upset/worry and 2) because it was an accurate update of who I am.
She could not get over the fact that in her mind I was intentionally trying to deceive her… After a while, I pointed out that I would have to have something to hide in order to deceive and that I had told her all about that stuff. For example, in a blazing bit of honesty that characterizes my openness with her, I told her that I still have the occasional fantasy about men.
I soon came to realize she had read many of my posts here and had explored as deeply as possible on those other sites. Then suddenly I felt an incredible invasion of privacy.
We talked about that a bit but the bell had been rung… She had seen things that prompted questions and I told her it was best we talk about it, as I didn’t want her worrying or feeling like I hadn’t been honest (when the truth is, I’ve told her more than anyone in my life, even though we’ve only been dating for two months).
Everything she found was in the context of what I had already told her – that I had had experiences with other women while dressed, that I used to go out, etc. But I suppose the detail that she saw caused some pause and in her mind didn’t exactly synch up with other conversations we had had.
I’m going to go see her tonight – we live over an hour apart – and talk about this more in person. But I’m feeling extremely violated.
I don’t like that she went out searching on the Internet the very next day after I told her about these postings, and I really don’t like that she chose to explore instead of just talking to me. When she said she was just curious about what I had posted about us, I reminded her that I offered to share it with her, so why go out and look something up? Her answer was she was ‘curious’ but I could not get her to explain why her curiousity led her to go exploring on her own instead of talking to me. I tell her everything!
And I really don’t like that when she found some things that were obviously not meant for her eyes and that were extremely private, she kept going and going. She knew more about what I had posted than I did… I honestly didn’t even remember some of the things she was asking me about.
I told her that the analogy was that I had shared something I had written about her in my diary and that I would show it to her at some point.
So, she knows I have written about her in my diary and it’s laying in plain site, so she picks it up and starts looking for this particular passage (rather than asking me to read it to her or having me show it to her). And then she sees things that worry/concern her and proceeds to read pretty much the whole thing.
When she was doing all this on-line research, I was at home and she could have called. She eventually sent me the hurt/angry/lie text and then did return my call, but by that time she had pushed way past the “I saw some things that concerned me” to the “I read a bunch of things you had written and visited at least five sites and fully explored those, too.”
By the way, I fully realize she may read this post. I didn’t feel like I could tell her she couldn’t look things up on the Internet but did tell her this all felt like and extreme invasion of privacy. She said at this point she wouldn’t look any further. I told her at some point we might want to sit down together and look at some of these things, but even then that doesn’t necessarily feel right to me. We’ve already talked about this stuff in pretty great detail and besides almost all that was posted over a decade ago.
So now, I’m trying to sort through my feelings before I see her tonight. I feel betrayed. I feel like I have been incredibly open with her and after a quite intimate revelation she chose to immediately go looking on her own, then keep exploring long after it was clear a line of privacy had been crossed.
We proceeded to each spin an elaborate verbal fantasy -- with me dressed as a woman -- which we each took turns telling while we got off sexually. It was fantastic and she had several orgasms during the weekend. The verbal fantasy part took place on Sunday and it was so intimate it’s one of the main reasons I told her about my post(s) on this site.
I had only told her about my crossdressing a few weeks before and she was rather shocked and upset at first. But obviously we have come a very long way and if we never went further I would still be thrilled. I told her the great part of our fantasies was that we could actually do most of it, but I also told her that I may never want to dress in front of her and we’d just have to see how things played out over time. She had reacently said she wanted to see me dressed but then said she wasn’t sure and I told her I wasn’t sure either and even if she ended up begging me I might want to leave that part of me in the fantasy world. (As a side note, I haven’t dressed in at least 6-7 years, despite living alone and having tons of nice things. That’s a whole other story, but I just don’t feel the need or desire these days although I realize that may change at some point).
In addition to the diary analogy, I also see this site (and some other outlets) almost like a therapy session. I come here anonymously and speak freely because of the acceptance and anonymity. I feel like she stumbled across my therapist’s notes and decided to read them.
Not sure how this is all going to play out. I care about her deeply and up until now have seen a future – a bright and exciting one – with her. We just made plans for a romantic vacation in Kauai! And Valentines is next weekend, and I made special plans for her! And our sex life is unbelievable!
I want to forgive and forget but I feel violated. I feel like she doesn’t trust me despite being more honest than probably anyone in the history of crossdressing (or at least, I would be in a first place tie!).
PLUS, I now have to answer a lot of “why did you say this, and how come you posted that” about stuff that is already in her mind and needs addressing.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I’m hurt and confused right now and also scared to death that this may at the very least cause distance at a time when we had just reach incredibly closeness, both physically and emotionally.
Originally Posted by Shadeauxmarie
