ok so i found out literally 72hours ago that my fiance cross dresses and has been for a while behind my back.
I have millions of thoughts dashing around my mind so id like to tell you all everything about my reaction to finding out, partially to help me understand it all but also for those CD's that havent told loved ones what to expect (obviously every individual will react differently) but it may help.
Im also aware that im probably one of the youngest people here (i turned 24 last week) alot of the articles ive read on here and other sites are from women 40+ who found out after 20years of marriage and i dont quite relate, also advise is always welcomed.
i do not wish to offend anyone in this thread but i do want to put as much detail, honesty and emotion into this to give a better understanding as i can. so please be aware before reading.
i will update as often as i can, sort of like a journey blog.
Probably best to also point out that i have spoken to partner about everything im going to write, but i keep thinking it and dont want to keep repeating myself to him.
ok so its sunday night hes expected home soon im excited to see him but sooo bored, im mooching on the internet and decide (i dont know why) to check my internet history.
i go back a few days and find this website, i also find ebay listing for womens underwear and clothing.
"what the hell" i cant believe what im seeing, im blind with fury.
he walks through the door.
i sit staring at the wall i dont know what to do, he asks me over and over whats wrong i say nothing.
then "did you know that this laptop has an internet history"
"no i didnt ill go get out of these work clothes"
"what and into some of mine!" i crassly yell at him through the door.
he comes back in and sits down. I fly out of my chair, screaming "get out" in floods of tears, hurling myself over the kitchen sink and wreching, barely able to stand up. Im a wreck.
The next 5 minuites is a bit of a blur but i hurl insult after insult at him and he just sits.
I finally calm myself down. have a cigarette and sit down again. still in tears and shaking slightly.
i start asking questios...
do you want to be a woman?
have you worn my clothes?
his response is yes only the ones you were throwing out.
I dont care im furious again.
"you make me sick!"
"how dare you!"
"you have to choose , i cant handle this , its this or me! i just cant do it."
i take off my engagment ring.
Hes a wreck. begging to explain. but i dont let him. im so angry hes lied to him, it doesnt matter what he says i dont believe him.
i tell him he'll have to stay in the spare room until he finds somewhere to live. I was adiment i couldnt accept it.
I go to bed.
im lying there so cut up thinking my life was over, i cant live without him but i just cant handle this. Hes not my man anymore. i needed a hug.
"please come to bed i just need a cuddle."
He does. We talk a little more, more calmly, i think it was more the exhaustion than anything.
Next morning we wake up, i phoned in work sick i just couldnt face people, i was just physically and emotionally drained.
He goes to work.
When i eventaully decide to get out of bed i go back too the laptop and come here.
last night hed told me his log in name, so i log in, i read all his posts on here and another site. I see a picture, hes wearing MY dress, MY makeup , MY HAIR EXTENTIONS! im filled with rage again, i cant control myself, i look through my phone i need to speak to someone, but theres no one i can tell.
im alone.
I google 'cross dressing helplines' in a last attmept for some human contact.
i found one, it exists! i phone straight away the first minuite is me just crying into the phone, theres a woman on the other end trying to calm me down, eventually i do, she explains alot, suggests ways to talk to him about it, shes reassuring and suggests a group i might like to join, i join it.
But shes not approving me i need someone NOW!
I come back here, theres a chat link, i go in.
i post 'please someone talk to me'
i get a PM, AmyUK, shes asks whats wrong, i tell her (a little more briefly than this'
she offers her mobile number , i ring,
"i cant belive im ringing this"
she answers , and instantly im calm. We chat about lots of things , she makes little jokes, she cheers me up a bit.
she looks at a picture of my partner dressed '**** me' she says
"what"
"havent you seen?" no i hadnt
but i looked.
waw not bad! bigger boobs than me! thats not on, im laughing. im looking at pictures of my big strong protective man dressed as a woman and its not that bad for the first time in 24hours im smiling and joking around, and a little bit jealous that he looks better than me in the damn thing!
its almost time for him to be coming home so i pull myself together and decide to get dressed.
i get off the phone to amy feeling a million times better so calm and relaxed.
He comes home.
My first question is "why have you lied, i found out last night why did you say you hadnt been wearing my things, ive found the pcitures, you have"
im a very girly girl , i love hair and beauty , i wont go to the corner shop without make up! and i LOVE my clothes, i love fashion. I was devestated hed worn my things.
in a very stern mannar i make him understand he must NEVER use my things again and must replace evrything he has.
We talk, properly with him sitting next to me, facing eachother, holding hands, openly, and honeslty.
i ask alot of questions, and he answers, we have a bit of a giggle, he tells me about some clothes hed like and shoes,
i need to get out of the house, i have a banging headache.
We needed some shopping so we nipped to tesco.
I say we'll pick him up some things while we are there
We go upstairs to the clothing section, wed decided on a code word before we left the house 'smile' if i saw something he might like.
we get up there and im a bit tense, feels a little weird, we look at underwear, stockings, bras, knickers, then onto clothes, we pick out some things and head back downstairs.
im relieved it was strange my heart was pounding all the way round. Then we get to the make up (my favourite thing) we start making jokes and its fun, and light hearted and FUN , im happy. We get thhe things we need and head home.
We get back and he asks if he can have a look at the clothes properly , i say ofcourse. and he starts feeling the fabric and smiling, hes happy but im getting more and more uncomfortable, i ask him to put it away.
We go into tthe bedroom and i get out some jewellery and makeup i dont use and give them to him, he pouts then away and we have some food,
starting to relax again we just sat watching tv and its great. 'normal'
We go to bed, he falls asleep first and i lie thinking
i wake up today , still thinking, thinking the same things ive been thinking for the last 3 days. I cant stop thinking about it, i cant switch off.
He asks if i minded if he comes and here to check if we'd had any responses,
that was fine, but then he starts browsing other threads and i can feel myself getting tense and my heart beats faster.
"its too much, please just for now lets just watch tv"
so we do. i calm again. hes going to work so we get ready to go out, its my parents silver wedding anniversary today so im getting ready to go there, i get dressed "oh no!" im awash of grey! i look awful, "help me!, i need another coloured top, this looks awful!"
"brown?" he sugests.
"BROWN! with GREY!" WAW you really do need my help i joke.
i see him watching me putting on my makeup, hes asking questions about what im doing so i tell him, without getting nervous or anxious, we head off out totally lovely and happy as usual.
Then im sat on the bus with my head phones in and everything comes back all the thoughts, i decide i need to do this, i need to write everything down, for myself and for others.
At the moment im most relaxed about talking about this when im giving advise , make up tips, fashion tips etc i feel im helping him and also involving myself in a way i feel comfortable.
right now i dont want to see him dressed and he says he isnt ready for me to see him that way either.
Im not sure ill ever want to see him that way.
Im sure my thoughts and feelings are going to change alot in the next few weeks, months and years.
I know its not going to be easy, but i understand this isnt going to go away, hes still the person i fell in love with, he has the same mind, the same heart, the same soul.
He's still funny and sexy and protective, sweet and kind.
"its just clothes" .....deep breathe...."its just clothes"
will keep posting
Emma x