an SO's initial reaction, warts and all...long

[stresskimo]

ok so i found out literally 72hours ago that my fiance cross dresses and has been for a while behind my back.

I have millions of thoughts dashing around my mind so id like to tell you all everything about my reaction to finding out, partially to help me understand it all but also for those CD's that havent told loved ones what to expect (obviously every individual will react differently) but it may help.

Im also aware that im probably one of the youngest people here (i turned 24 last week) alot of the articles ive read on here and other sites are from women 40+ who found out after 20years of marriage and i dont quite relate, also advise is always welcomed.

i do not wish to offend anyone in this thread but i do want to put as much detail, honesty and emotion into this to give a better understanding as i can. so please be aware before reading.

i will update as often as i can, sort of like a journey blog.

Probably best to also point out that i have spoken to partner about everything im going to write, but i keep thinking it and dont want to keep repeating myself to him.


ok so its sunday night hes expected home soon im excited to see him but sooo bored, im mooching on the internet and decide (i dont know why) to check my internet history.

i go back a few days and find this website, i also find ebay listing for womens underwear and clothing.

"what the hell" i cant believe what im seeing, im blind with fury.

he walks through the door.

i sit staring at the wall i dont know what to do, he asks me over and over whats wrong i say nothing.

then "did you know that this laptop has an internet history"

"no i didnt ill go get out of these work clothes"

"what and into some of mine!" i crassly yell at him through the door.

he comes back in and sits down. I fly out of my chair, screaming "get out" in floods of tears, hurling myself over the kitchen sink and wreching, barely able to stand up. Im a wreck.

The next 5 minuites is a bit of a blur but i hurl insult after insult at him and he just sits.

I finally calm myself down. have a cigarette and sit down again. still in tears and shaking slightly.

i start asking questios...
do you want to be a woman?
have you worn my clothes?
his response is yes only the ones you were throwing out.

I dont care im furious again.

"you make me sick!"

"how dare you!"

"you have to choose , i cant handle this , its this or me! i just cant do it."

i take off my engagment ring.

Hes a wreck. begging to explain. but i dont let him. im so angry hes lied to him, it doesnt matter what he says i dont believe him.

i tell him he'll have to stay in the spare room until he finds somewhere to live. I was adiment i couldnt accept it.

I go to bed.

im lying there so cut up thinking my life was over, i cant live without him but i just cant handle this. Hes not my man anymore. i needed a hug.

"please come to bed i just need a cuddle."

He does. We talk a little more, more calmly, i think it was more the exhaustion than anything.

Next morning we wake up, i phoned in work sick i just couldnt face people, i was just physically and emotionally drained.

He goes to work.

When i eventaully decide to get out of bed i go back too the laptop and come here.

last night hed told me his log in name, so i log in, i read all his posts on here and another site. I see a picture, hes wearing MY dress, MY makeup , MY HAIR EXTENTIONS! im filled with rage again, i cant control myself, i look through my phone i need to speak to someone, but theres no one i can tell.

im alone.

I google 'cross dressing helplines' in a last attmept for some human contact.

i found one, it exists! i phone straight away the first minuite is me just crying into the phone, theres a woman on the other end trying to calm me down, eventually i do, she explains alot, suggests ways to talk to him about it, shes reassuring and suggests a group i might like to join, i join it.

But shes not approving me i need someone NOW!

I come back here, theres a chat link, i go in.

i post 'please someone talk to me'

i get a PM, AmyUK, shes asks whats wrong, i tell her (a little more briefly than this'

she offers her mobile number , i ring,
"i cant belive im ringing this"

she answers , and instantly im calm. We chat about lots of things , she makes little jokes, she cheers me up a bit.

she looks at a picture of my partner dressed '**** me' she says

"what"

"havent you seen?" no i hadnt

but i looked.

waw not bad! bigger boobs than me! thats not on, im laughing. im looking at pictures of my big strong protective man dressed as a woman and its not that bad for the first time in 24hours im smiling and joking around, and a little bit jealous that he looks better than me in the damn thing!

its almost time for him to be coming home so i pull myself together and decide to get dressed.

i get off the phone to amy feeling a million times better so calm and relaxed.

He comes home.

My first question is "why have you lied, i found out last night why did you say you hadnt been wearing my things, ive found the pcitures, you have"

im a very girly girl , i love hair and beauty , i wont go to the corner shop without make up! and i LOVE my clothes, i love fashion. I was devestated hed worn my things.

in a very stern mannar i make him understand he must NEVER use my things again and must replace evrything he has.

We talk, properly with him sitting next to me, facing eachother, holding hands, openly, and honeslty.

i ask alot of questions, and he answers, we have a bit of a giggle, he tells me about some clothes hed like and shoes,

i need to get out of the house, i have a banging headache.

We needed some shopping so we nipped to tesco.

I say we'll pick him up some things while we are there

We go upstairs to the clothing section, wed decided on a code word before we left the house 'smile' if i saw something he might like.

we get up there and im a bit tense, feels a little weird, we look at underwear, stockings, bras, knickers, then onto clothes, we pick out some things and head back downstairs.

im relieved it was strange my heart was pounding all the way round. Then we get to the make up (my favourite thing) we start making jokes and its fun, and light hearted and FUN , im happy. We get thhe things we need and head home.

We get back and he asks if he can have a look at the clothes properly , i say ofcourse. and he starts feeling the fabric and smiling, hes happy but im getting more and more uncomfortable, i ask him to put it away.

We go into tthe bedroom and i get out some jewellery and makeup i dont use and give them to him, he pouts then away and we have some food,

starting to relax again we just sat watching tv and its great. 'normal'

We go to bed, he falls asleep first and i lie thinking

i wake up today , still thinking, thinking the same things ive been thinking for the last 3 days. I cant stop thinking about it, i cant switch off.

He asks if i minded if he comes and here to check if we'd had any responses,

that was fine, but then he starts browsing other threads and i can feel myself getting tense and my heart beats faster.

"its too much, please just for now lets just watch tv"

so we do. i calm again. hes going to work so we get ready to go out, its my parents silver wedding anniversary today so im getting ready to go there, i get dressed "oh no!" im awash of grey! i look awful, "help me!, i need another coloured top, this looks awful!"
"brown?" he sugests.

"BROWN! with GREY!" WAW you really do need my help i joke.
i see him watching me putting on my makeup, hes asking questions about what im doing so i tell him, without getting nervous or anxious, we head off out totally lovely and happy as usual.

Then im sat on the bus with my head phones in and everything comes back all the thoughts, i decide i need to do this, i need to write everything down, for myself and for others.

At the moment im most relaxed about talking about this when im giving advise , make up tips, fashion tips etc i feel im helping him and also involving myself in a way i feel comfortable.

right now i dont want to see him dressed and he says he isnt ready for me to see him that way either.

Im not sure ill ever want to see him that way.

Im sure my thoughts and feelings are going to change alot in the next few weeks, months and years.

I know its not going to be easy, but i understand this isnt going to go away, hes still the person i fell in love with, he has the same mind, the same heart, the same soul.

He's still funny and sexy and protective, sweet and kind.

"its just clothes" .....deep breathe...."its just clothes"



will keep posting



Emma x

[kimdl93]

Hi Emma,

Your really being a trouper - hanging in there, asking questions, remembering the values you saw in him to begin with, and finding some humor in life.

Maybe one thing that would help a little (besides repeating the "its just clothes" mantra) is to think about some of the characteristics you like about him that may be at least in some small part also a reflection of his feminine side.

Best of luck to you - I'm sure we're all anxious to read more!

[ReneeT]

Emma,

Thank you for pouring your feelings out here. You will find much objective support. I applaude your efforts to educate yourself. Learn as much as you can, and keep an open mind. Your man is still your man. This is just one part of what makes him who he is - without this he would be a different person, and you may not like that! I told my wife yesterday - Chili powder is pretty nasty by itself, but it sure spices up the chili - I wouldn't want it without it!

Above all else, keep the lines of communication open. Don't ask don't tell don't work!

PM me if you want - anytime. I have 20 yrs worth of stories about working thru this with my wife!

[stresskimo]

i just want to say a massive thankyou to everyone offering advise , youve been a massive support to both me and my partner.

so the same applies, anyone is welcome to ask me anything about anything.

xxx

[Wen4cd]

I say, that's quite an adventure! You certainly had a strong reaction.

Your description is one of those pictures of a process that a lot of CD's struggle to understand. They still will, but your going into as much length and detail as you have offers us a piece of insight as to what goes on, and I thank you for your effort to lay it out.

To me, your description feels like, sort of, how I feel when chatting online with someone who has some strong fetish for something which I don't share, and who I can sense is always subtly leading the conversation into some kind of roleplay oportunity for his own gratification. It's not pleasant, and while I respect someone's personal kinks, I am usually very uncomfortable to be on different levels of conversation, and I am usually driven into awkward silence when someone makes a move, or an advance, when I had intended to talk on a comfortable level. Then, suddenly "everything" looks like an advance, and I am left suddenly wondering who I am talking to.

It takes a willful effort to break the transderivational searching and see the person and their needs again, and that process ends with understanding that someone is actually opening themselves up to you, exposing a part of themselves they've needed to express for so long that it's harming them not to. That they couldn't 'come out' and show you on their own, and kept it a secret usually only shows that their own shame is mixed in, and that is hurting them as well. This is where one's definitions and concepts of 'love' are tested. But there is also an opportunity to be a part of removing that burden of shame instead of adding to it.

I'm not sure if that's just like what you experience, but it's how I am relating to it.

I don't have much advice for you. It's just an ordeal through which you will ultimately grow, and through which your partner will grow, and growing and learning, contrary to popular sentiment, is often painful while it's happening. I'd say keep in mind that your partner is not less than you thought he was, but actually much more. You may be amazed in a good way after you begin learning together, if you find your self willing to. Another thing, while this may come off as a sexual need, and mimic the description I made above, it's usually deeper, and emotional.

[Jenny Beth]

You found the perfect place to blow off steam, hope that felt good, you certainly needed to get it out. Anyway pull up a chair, you're in good company, we don't bite but we do get silly here sometimes. Glad you could join us.

[Brandi Wyne]

Emma,
How would you have felt about him if he had told you on your first date that he crossdresses? If you were SO angry when finding out, why are you now on a site that caters to CD/TS? Would you feel differently about it if it were, say, a brother or other close relative? Why do you think he was so reluctant to tell you about that part of his life?

Thanks for posting your feelings.

[Kate Simmons]

I wish you well Emma, both of you. You poured your heart out to us. I assure you it's taken to heart and we are glad to have you here on the Forum.

[lavistaa62]

One common thread I've noticed in a lot of SOs response (to MTF, I presume FTM as well though not sure) is anger- as in hurling insults, sometimes physical anger.

My previous SO reacted this way to nearly everything and it led to our breakup because I couldn't understand why anyone would. It's something I've never done and can't envision doing unless it came to someone hurting my kids and then it would be in a measured way meant to contain rather than (pardon the expression) lash out.

So, I'm trying to understand how this feels and what leads to it. My current SO is accepting and didn't react this way at all but lots of others seem to and I'd like to understand why this is the first reaction and why it escapes before it's captured and toned down.

[victoriamwilliams1]

Your in the right place,

I will say that my reasons for not telling my S.O. is that I would get the same reaction x 100 so it would not be good at this time. I to have dropped hints and her reaction was not good. I will say keep researching and learning and you will find some good advice from everyone here

[Nicole Erin]

Well, it takes a bit to work thru things. It is usually better if the Trans person explains instead of people just finding out. That is not an option for you two now but at least you two can talk about things.

Couple things - your husband is not gay and probably doesn't want to be a woman. Some guys just like wearing women's clothes.

Of course don't be suprised if some of the trannies right here on this forum start talking about how bad your husband is for lieing. The Genetic girls might say that too but they would understand better than a tranny. A lot of the trans people here tend to forget that THEY caused a lot of hurt when the came out to parents, spouses, friends, whoever. But now that someone else is new and coming out, these same people act like they never went thru all that.
Me, yes I am trans as well.

Just don't let anyone here give you or your husband any hell. he is not the first to hide anything.

[stresskimo]

One common thread I've noticed in a lot of SOs response (to MTF, I presume FTM as well though not sure) is anger- as in hurling insults, sometimes physical anger.

My previous SO reacted this way to nearly everything and it led to our breakup because I couldn't understand why anyone would. It's something I've never done and can't envision doing unless it came to someone hurting my kids and then it would be in a measured way meant to contain rather than (pardon the expression) lash out.

So, I'm trying to understand how this feels and what leads to it. My current SO is accepting and didn't react this way at all but lots of others seem to and I'd like to understand why this is the first reaction and why it escapes before it's captured and toned down.

Im a very fiery and emotional person, i often get my thoughts and feelings mixed up and they come out as anger.

If it was a brother or friend i would have been 100% supportive straight away.

It was the lies and deceit that made me angry, weve been together for 5 years, theres was an incident a few years ago i was only 19 at the time , i thought it was just a fetish, that i didnt like and asked him to stoop. So to find out it was much more than that and he hadnt told me hurt and i projected this in anger, which i now regret but it was what i was feeling at the time.

Emma,
How would you have felt about him if he had told you on your first date that he crossdresses? If you were SO angry when finding out, why are you now on a site that caters to CD/TS? Would you feel differently about it if it were, say, a brother or other close relative? Why do you think he was so reluctant to tell you about that part of his life?

Thanks for posting your feelings.

unfortunatley i cant say how i would have reacted if he'd told me on a first date because he didnt (we also met through work)
i was angry because as i say above hed been lying and sneaking around, i dont have a problem with cross dressing in general, i hate intolerence of any kind, be it race, religion or sexual orientation and wouldnt ever descrimenate.
Im here to learn, seek and offer advise.
my reaction i think apart from the lies was pure fear of loosing my man.

[EnglishRose]

That's very understandable about lies and deceit. My wife found out my dressing was more than just a fetish thing through something completely unrelated, but because of my omission (same as lying really) that I was spending our money on clothing without telling her. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and I am so glad we came through it together.

[LisaM]

Wow, Emma! Thanks for your post. Like your fiance, I lived through a similar experience but it was 10 years after we were married.

You will learn a lot here including all the shame, guilt and doubt that all of us have lived with all of our lives.

Give yourself time to learn. It isn't easy and it still isn't for my SO but she understands me more and she knows that this side of me isn't going away. It is part of me and it was part of the person she fell in love with--it was just hidden.

[yazooey]

Emma,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences. I have to say that this site is quite a resource for not only you, who is going through an incredibly shocking situation and for your fiance, who is going through just as much shock as you are. I am assuming. Let me just say that I am not out to my wife. She has no idea.

I can just assume that she would react just as you have. Anger leads to questioning herself, leads to questioning me, leads to some relief, back to anger and questioning, questioning what has been going on behind her back for years, etc. etc. Your husband probably is assuming this is going through your mind too. He is probably feeling guilt for keeping this part of himself from you for so many years and feels sad that you are going through this by yourself even though he is right there for you but may feel some discomfort trying to explain himself. Believe me, if he is anything like me, he feels really, really bad that you are feeling these feelings but at the same time wants to let you in on it, somehow. Somehow, just easing you into it rather than shocking you into it.

Your fiance most likely loves you just the same and if and when you get through the initial shock he will love you even more and most likely you will love him even more too. All of a sudden, you two have so much more in common. Remember, he is still the same person you have loved for all this time. Now there is another part of him to love also. More love is a good thing.

Again, if he is anything like me, his discretion is just as important as yours is, if not even more. There are times when I wish that my wife knew. Somehow found out somehow so that I could have the weight of guilt taken off of my shoulders. I would be willing to experience the anger on her behalf. I have no problem with her being mad at me. I know, with time, she would get over the shock and see something in me that she never knew about before and would love me even more. There just does not seem to be a really sensitive way to approach a topic like this with a SO. At least, in my case.

Be strong, ask questions, don't be offended if your SO cannot or does not want to explain something at the moment. Remember, he is probably just as shocked as you are. And most importantly, don't make any rash decisions that you may regret later. He certainly never did.

Take my words with a grain of salt as I am not out to my wife. These are just my thoughts and maybe some of these thoughts could explain the psyche of just one crossdresser that is so afraid of losing his wife if she ever found out. I don't do this because there is anything lacking in my personal relationship. We have a very healthy relationship and love each other very much. Good luck and you have found a great group of people that are extremely supportive and collectively have centuries of experience with this topic.

[suchacutie]

This is a guess, but I would bet that he is as insecure about this as you started out to be (maybe still are). From what I've read on this site it's not only SOs who don't know what to do/think, it's the MTF transgenders who are also very confused about who they are, how they might be treated (by anyone, not just you), and what it all means. The fact that he's not ready to show you his femme side in full regalia tells me that he's not at all secure at the moment. It may very well end up that you are the one to ask him to allow you to meet his femme self.

One last thought: He/she is still the same person. Now that you know there is a strong feminine self, it may be that this part of "him" really is attractive. My wife really discovered Tina, and is very clear that she enjoys Tina's company. Of course, that makes Tina and I much more confident, but since I'm not yet totally sure who Tina is, or how much of me is Tina, I still have moments of unsurity. My wife and I talk about Tina as a person, but what we are really talking about is the ideas/thoughts/actions that comprise Tina. Maybe that compartmentalization can help both of you define this third person in your relationship!

Our hopes are with both of you!

Tina

[Shelly67]

You realise one thing - you've already approached the problem you both share . You've talked about it . Please believe me , try not to stress out , worry or torture yourself anymore . If theres one thing we all need to do after coming out and the emotional rage is bubbling it's try to calm down . Take 5 minutes out . If you can find that moment of peace , then I hope and pray it'll manifest into good , honest communication with youre partner . It's without doubt , at times it will be hard , emotional and draining , BUT with open heart to hearts you'll be doing one thing together - supporting each other - no matter the disbelief and pain . And thats all that counts . Good luck , please keep us posted .

[Carole]

Hi Emma, can I start by paraphrasing a 30 yr old quote. 'That's one small step for you, one giant leap for your mind'. I can only applaude your honesty and openess in your post.
I can only imagine how it must have felt seeing your SO in your clothes etc, a total betrayal of your own femininity. He probably used them because he was unable to buy and hide a wardrobe of his own.
You had questions of him, was he gay?, did he want to be a woman? Without wanting to worry you, of course this is a remote possibility, however, the chances are that he is not and does not. By and large the main % of cd'ers are just that, content to dress and look like their alter-ego and are heterosexual.
From your post it would appear that you have been together for some time, and has been 'the man' for you; he still is that man just because he chooses to dress differently, in private, to 'normal' men.
Why did he hide it? Fear is the main reason, fear of being ridiculed by his 'macho' peers, fear of losing you.
Work with him slowly, set your own rules and pace and I hope that in time you will see him for what he is, (we tend to be more caring, re our spouses/so's than a lot of masculine men).
Once you have 10 posts you can apply to join the FAB (Female at Birth) forum where the r real girls on here will give you lots of info and not be biased like we cd'ers can be for obvious reasons.

[Stephanie Miller]

Emma,
There is not a person on this board that is following who we are with the intention of hurting anyone. In fact that is the exact reason we tend to hide it. So we don't hurt our partners. When, in fact, we are doing just that by hiding it.
Just remember some of the roughest roads we travel lead us to a paradise of it's own.
Take your time and know that we are all here for you if you need us.

In the meantime... Brown with Grey? Save us all. If you can't be around him then at least get him a book on fashion!!!!

[JulieC]

Stresskimo, can I make a request?

Can we please clone you a few tens/hundreds/thousands of thousands of times so CDers around the world will have someone as amazing as you as a partner?

Not that I need such a partner; my wife is phenomenal, and irreplaceable! I just see so many CDers unhappy in their situations, and wishing they had a spouse like you.

Hang in there You're doing fantastic!

Also, I think you can ask for and get into the GG (genetic girl) forum here after you've made ten posts, and one of the administrators confirms you as being, in fact, a GG. ONLY GGs are allowed in there, so you'll have plenty of people who are or have been in the same situation as you.

[Angelofsomekind]

Hello Hello! Excellent post. It actually reminded me a lot of what my wife and I went through. She felt the same way, she had no one to talk to about it. I later heard a saying that made so much sence, as soon as we come out of the closet to someone, we take them by the hand and bring them right into the closet with us. It is hard, it isn't something that everyone has experience with. But it's good you found this place, my wife looked around before and found some 'support' sites that were really really bad. We went to a tri-ess meeting once, but we were younger than anyone else by 20 years, we felt we didn't really fit in. But if you ever need to talk to someone my wife and I always offer our best advice if you need. If you want to get incontact with her let me know.

[stresskimo]

This is a guess, but I would bet that he is as insecure about this as you started out to be (maybe still are). From what I've read on this site it's not only SOs who don't know what to do/think, it's the MTF transgenders who are also very confused about who they are, how they might be treated (by anyone, not just you), and what it all means. The fact that he's not ready to show you his femme side in full regalia tells me that he's not at all secure at the moment. It may very well end up that you are the one to ask him to allow you to meet his femme self.

One last thought: He/she is still the same person. Now that you know there is a strong feminine self, it may be that this part of "him" really is attractive. My wife really discovered Tina, and is very clear that she enjoys Tina's company. Of course, that makes Tina and I much more confident, but since I'm not yet totally sure who Tina is, or how much of me is Tina, I still have moments of unsurity. My wife and I talk about Tina as a person, but what we are really talking about is the ideas/thoughts/actions that comprise Tina. Maybe that compartmentalization can help both of you define this third person in your relationship!

Our hopes are with both of you!

Tina

i have asked him if he has a female name. he says no because he doesnt want to be a woman so he doesnt want a female name, he doesnt want as far as i understand at the moment there to be a third person, it isnt a different him just a different side of the same person.

He says he does it to relax, to feel more 'soft' and feminine. And would never leave the house dressed. Is this common? do alot of CD's just do this as a 'release'? to just express a softer side to them every now and again? i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

[Angelofsomekind]

Every one of us is different, we all want and get something different out of it. The only one who can know what he wants out of it is him. Anyone who says we all are looking for the same thing doesn't know what they are talking about.

[SamanthaS]

Hello, I would ask you to ask yourself this question: "Don't you wear clothes to attract a man?" Ever think that your clothes are such a turn-on that some men, would like to wear them. there are far worse things your man could be in life

[stresskimo]

Hello, I would ask you to ask yourself this question: "Don't you wear clothes to attract a man?" Ever think that your clothes are such a turn-on that some men, would like to wear them. there are far worse things your man could be in life

through reading this site i am starting to understand more and more why men do this, lets face it the majority of mens clothes are boring, dull, baggy and well boring lol they are designed for comfort, womens clothes on the other are designed to make women feel attractive and to attract other men yes, if im not wearing the right outfit i feel ugly and unattractive, i generally have no energy and tend not to want to go or do anything.

why shouldnt a man be able to feel good about himself.

in the same way if i want to wear jeans and a tshirt and slob around the house which pretty much all gg's want to do from time to time why cant we.

clothes dont make a person =)