haha, sorry, I've watched wayyyy too much simpsons in my life.
Administrator
Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
i do not know what to say, that has not already been said.
but you have found a great online support group, and you stated in your first posting that you found one to talk to by phone,
so i say go girl learn we are not freaks but just people that love the finer things in life.
and look at it this way, you did not loose a man, you now have a shopping partner. hay he will know and love shopping spending hours just looking at things, and if he is close to your fit...look at all the new things you can wear.
you are great to even learn and try to accept your future husbands hobby, my ex wife was not so and went off the deep end. so right off i know you are a keeper and will be a great wife. keep it up for your self, if no other.
please keep posting, we here will help in any way possable.
a couple books to read. both by peggy rudd.
crossdressing with dignity.
my husband wears my clothes.
both books will answer some questions...and bring up others.
your friend from california,
loni
.
I have spent the better part of this morning reading through this thread (instead of working, I might add). The responses from members have been great, and there is little I can add, but simply repeat. We hide this side of ourselves for fear of being rejected and losing the people who are important in our lives. And we put the most effort into hiding it from those who we most fear losing. I hid it from my wife and she found out by accident and went through the same emotional rollercoaster. I'm now separated for reasons unrelated to the crossdressing, but I can't deny that it was the first attack on our foundation.
The other thing I would repeat is that we are definitely not one size fits all, and our own motives may change as we grow older. For me initially it was a release. When going through very tough emotional times, it helped to give myself time to feel softer, vulnerable, feminine. I didn't have a name, didn't own a wig, had little makeup. The focus was on the clothes. I would sometimes underdress to keep that connection with the clothes. Now I have the name, wig, and makeup, and while I love the clothes, the focus is on Wendy and letting her come out and be visable, even if only to me. Now I never underdress. Now, I'm either dressed as Wendy or I'm in drab.
The playing field isn't just "not level", it's contantly shifting. That's why communication is so important. Keep talking - the holding hands is good. I wish we had. The initial reaction may be that he can't possibly love you because he hid this from you. A week ago you probably thought you knew how much he loved you. He probably loves you so much more than you imagined.
Good luck to both of you - I'm a sucker for a happy ending.
Wendy
Smile I want to wish you and Emma the best. Emma, I'm sure this is really hard. I have to confess that if I was a woman and found out that my husband/fiance was a crossdresser. So I'm sure it's hard, but I admire the fact that you're willing to feel all the emotions that come with this and at least discuss it openly with a support group and your fiance.
smileinsecret: I'm so with you about what you say in the quote above. That sort of thinking - that you're either out and dressing 24/7 or you're in denial - is completely preposterous, unfounded, and motivated by the same kind of thinking that make people think in totally discrete categories based on dubitable reasons. It's also insulting and utterly presumptuous.
With that said, I wish you both the best.
i thought id post my thoughts today and you'll see why.....
ok so first day back at work today, he told me he'd be dressing today we had a huge talk last night about all kinds of things, way into the early hours....im knackered! got to go and do a 12hour shift now.
i get to work and by 11 o'clock im bored stiff! im a reception and it was a sloooow day.
i know he's probably getting ready by now, my minds racing
"i wonder if he got his nails on ok"
"does the new dress fit"
"is he ok?"
so i sneakily send a text from under my desk.
'im so curious, will you take a picture?'
and he does, first sends me a pic of the nails, theyre not wonkey! well done! lol
then the dress, it looks ace! totally looks right.
hes texting me and hes sooo happy , im totally made up.
i send sneaking texts for a while then have to get back to work.
on my break i phone but it goes straight to voicemail, oh no what if somethings gone wrong , this is his first day EVER of dressing without time limit or fear of getting caught, maybe its an overload.
10mins later i get a text, hes been talking to AmyUK , the gurl that saved me on that first day.
'she is lovely!ur were right! and she has a favour to ask you'
a favour?
oh no.....
'a good favour , youll love it!"
ooo now im exciited,
8pm roles around and he picks me up, so come on whats the favour?
theres a shop near us that specialises in womens shoes for men, and his nearest store is London! so hes going to send you some money and he wants you to pick a pair for him.
"really? i get to go shopping !"
a GG's insight she says.
"wicked!"
so we get home, house is a mess glasses and cans on the table, no laundry been washed and no attempt at tidying.....no changes there then! thats still my jjob huh?
ive read all your responses and am so thankful to all of you.
Right now everything is great, my biggest fear was wether or not i could be intimate with him , wether the gurl images would get in the way, but thats been overcome too dont get me wrong i KNOW theres going to be hard times but right now its good and im not going to worry myself waiting for the bad to come.
We're having lots of long talks and reading posts here helps to.
and did i mention i get to go shopping?!?!
To get the right answers you have to ask the right questions
I very much appreciate your post and I think its fortunate you found out when you did...not necessarily the way you did. I hope you and your fiance can work this out because the fact that you took the time to post here indicates that he is very special to you. You sound like you are genuinely interested in understanding or reaching an understanding. I agree with previous comments that our crossdressing is a part of what makes us who we are. My wife loves the fact that I pick out nice clothes and shoes for her. It can be something that divides you or it can be something that you share forever.
[SIZE="3"][SIZE="3"]Roxanne[/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE="3"]
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Thanks for updating us and letting us know that it was a good day for both of you. And, yes, you did mention that you get to go shopping. Did I mention I'm jealous.. With the emotional ringer you've both been through the past couple of days, I'm glad today provided shelter from the storm.
Wendy
What a very good thread.. very informative from the partners side, I told my wife when we met I was bi and little later about my fantasy to crosdress etc and she has been very supportive, its amazing how if you really love someone then the support is there! Good luck with your future together.
G
First, welcome to the forum! Kudos to you for expressing yourself honestly and with so much candor. Your post is helping many TGs better understand their own SOs. Other members have given you some great feedback that I will not repeat, other than to say that you and your SO are on the right track, and IMO your future together looks very bright.
I've noticed the same thing here and on other sites. There are exceptions, but self-accepting TSs do tend to believe that CDs will eventually want to eradicate their male selves, or they are play acting at being female. I suppose it is human to have difficulty understanding someone else's point of view. I know that it is hard for me sometimes to understand my SO's mindset.
Also, you can well imagine that transitioning is a difficult emotional process in our biased society, and TSs risk losing everything when they decide to go ahead with it. It is painful to know that so many people reject who a TS is inside. Some TSs come out on the other side having weathered very difficult experiences, and they know that they could not go back to being male just for some respite. This may be why they feel that a CD who doesn't want to live 24/7 is hiding behind the safety of his male mask. Just a thought.
Also, some CDs who've suppressed their own desires to interact with others as their femme selves will feel a sense of euphoria when their life circumstances change or they've come to accept themselves more, and they begin to go out dressed. The excitement is so great that they want to share it with others, and it is difficult for some to believe that anyone else might not want or might not be ready for the same experiences.
Very well said, Satrana, and the key point here is to trust his answer.
Smileinsecret, you will need to be like an open book and not minimize this hidden desire, or that truth, or that new purchase, even if you feel Emma will disapprove or get angry again. She will feel it if you are secretive, and she will imagine that your small secret is perhaps the tip of the iceberg. Both of you now need to implement a rigorous policy of openness and honesty if you are to continue to move forward.
And last Emma, your fiance might wish to expand the CDing now that he is out to you, and this doesn't mean that he is moving towards wanting to live 24/7. It is my experience from having read so many other CD's stories here and with my own SO, that with deeper self-awareness and self-acceptance, there often comes the need to experience more than just dressing to stay at home. It is natural to wish for a more multi-faceted femme existence and seek validation, and want to experience normal social interactions with others, albeit in safe places. This also means perfecting a blendable look with a versatile wardrobe, forms, maybe growing natural nails & hair, piercing ears, etc. I didn't realize how important this was in the beginning with my SO, and frankly much of her growing desires and her development left me surprised and concerned. I wish now someone had given me a blueprint.
My SO did reach her goal of being able to do almost as much en femme as she does in guy mode and we move between genders quite happily and with fluidity.
Marla, I understand where you're coming from. But knowing this, most SOs would wonder how happy you would be by choosing one thing over another that obviously means so much to you. How content can you possibly be having made such a choice? How present can you be in your marriage? If my SO told me that she wanted to be a woman, I would not wish to be the reason she is holding herself back. And I would grieve being in a relationship where her passion was driven by her desire to be a woman, rather than by me, even if she did choose to deny herself. If I discovered that I could not live the rest of my married life with another woman, I believe that I would rather we go our separate ways so that we could both have our needs met. Forgive me if I speak out of turn. Maybe your situation is one that I simply cannot understand. But I'm sorry that you've had to give up so much.
Last edited by ReineD; 02-03-2010 at 05:22 PM.
Reine
The interesting thing about human nature is that you can't unring a bell. People don't change in a few minutes, yet when we learn something significant about them, our viewpoint and opinions can change. At that point, it's time to step back for a bit, take a few deep breaths and begin to absorb and process the information. Regarding gender and sexuality, there is a range of how these sit for people in general. What you discovered is that where you though your partner was "here", he's actually "here" and "there". It's not like you thought. Time to think about the relationship as it currently is, where it's going and what you can live with. It is infinitely better to sort these things out now rather than have them keep popping up in a negative light.
And you know, you aren't the first, you won't be the last, but you could be The Best.
hello emma
if you were my wife /so i would give you the biggest hug (i am sit here
type this to you with tears in my eyes) and say THANK YOU.
emma how about you given your so/partner a girls name?.
carolyn xx
Ello Carolyn.
As I and Emma have said on previous posts, I dont feel like another person when en femme, and as such, I dont feel comfortable with a female name.
I go by the name of Smileinsecret (Im gonna be asking admin if I can change this to just 'Smile' -Obvious reasons) because it is not gender specific, but I think it is still quite a pretty word.
Bloke's names and dresses mix like oil and water.
Samantha -x-
hmmm...I was thinking about telling my girlfriend on the 20th, but now i'm afraid to
removed
I've had a few long term relationships that I believe qualify me to use the term "SO" for each lady. I'll tell about one of them. After having been reluctant to come out to any of my SOs, this one was different; and I had decided to lay it all out tp her. When I finished telling her about my interests, she shocked me by getting very excited and expressing her full approval. As it turned out, she loved to see me decked out, loved to make me up, and insisted that we go shopping for me. Although the relationship did not last "forever,' it was long term and intense. I often think back about this great woman. More later, perhaps?
Many of us are part-time dressers with no desire to be a woman but have female names anyway. If I present as a woman, even just here in this forum, it makes sense to have a female name.
My brother, who doesn't know I'm a crossdresser, when referring to a cd or transsexual, always says.."...he, I mean she, I mean it.....". I believe that to be socially correct, one should refer to a person as that person presents. Obviously, my brother has no clue.
So please don't jump to any conclusions if he takes on a female name when dressed.
Precisely how I feel. I only have a femme name out of convenience.
Oh hell no! CDers don't come in a one-size-fits-all. We're not all alike or even anything close to it. Some of us actively desire and are desperate to transition to being a woman, including surgery. On the other end of the spectrum, some of us on the rare occasion think about putting on some femme clothes, and more rarely act on it. There's all kinds of CDers in between those extremes.
Your fiance is your fiance. No other CDer is like him anymore than I'm a clone of any other CDer. If all he wants is to dress at home, he's not in denial. His wants and desires with regards to CDing may change over time (mine have), but it doesn't mean he's in denial.
I agree with Julie C on this Emma. I think we each have our comfort zone, which may be broader or narrower, depending on our individual preferences or life circumstances. I have to admit, I'd love to be able to dress in public, but I'm not sure I'll ever be confident enough in my appearance to do so. That does not mean I'm unhappy with the way I'm living now - its just an acknowledgement of reality.
Thanks for posting Emma.
I was just reading some threads and spotted your fiance's initial post about this and I was horrified for you. I am glad that you did not run away as he thought you would have or as my husband thought I would have. And I am glad you are here now. I find it very comfortable to post here, everyone seems to be very supportive and surprisingly normal (just a little sarcasm )
I just recently joined this forum. My husband just told me about his crossdressing 2 months ago and feel I can relate to you as this is new, a little scary, but not something that will make you stop loving your man.
Being educated helps a lot. My initial reaction to my SOs dressing was a little like yours. The last time I caught him I blamed it on him being drunk, he wasn't thinking, he didn't care about me, then I had to explain to him through emails the rest of the day how taboo this subject was. I feel pretty stupid about that now.
It wasn't until a few months later the subject came up again, and this time he explained it to me. I realized he felt just as badly about it, and just because he likes to put on a dress, I can't love him any less and it really doesn't make him less of a man. So we have been learning together "what is this all about?"
I am still uncomfortable about some things, and that's okay. For one, I didn't like his wig, we compromised and he will grow his hair out.
But I don't mean to ramble about me. I am glad your fiance could talk to you and you listened and you're on these forums now.
Last edited by Tamara Croft; 02-24-2010 at 04:22 AM. Reason: quote removed, no reason for it.
For what it's worth, most crossdressers are not gay.
Womens clothes are sexy, and designed to be that way. Lacy bras, garter belts and stockings are all sexy turnons for men. That's why women buy and wear them. Some of us just carry it a step further by wearing these items. And for every crossdresser, probably a dozen more men think about it, but are afraid to actually do it, because they doubt their own masculinity.
I can only speak for myself, but in my case, my wife, and later my girlfriends were always primary in my life, and crossdressing was always a secondary interest.
Most men have a strong interest in everything to do with sex. Does it really matter if he is reading Playboy, watching porn flicks on the sly, or buying himself lingerie, so long as he keeps you number one in his life? Just trying to help.