an SO's initial reaction, warts and all...long

[yazooey]

Emma,

I for one, have found that my crossdressing is really some sort of self-prescribed therapy. I find that whenever I am stressed from life or from work the thought of crossdressing grows stronger and stronger. When I get depressed, as well. I believe that when I was a child I spent a lot of time alone. When I was alone in a huge house there wasn't much to do but to watch televeision. This progressed into dressing in my mother's clothing and actually my father's suits as well, come to think of it.

I think now I find a lot of comfort in women's clothing. It still feels like an escape for me. I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense.

I saw that you are going into nursing for mental health. Very interesting.

[Angelofsomekind]

I do tend to be far more comfortable when dressed up. Which is kinda strange when I think about it, I'm more comfortable when I wear a corset and 4" heels. As well as spending over an hour getting ready and then being paranoid the rest of the time that I messed up my makeup.

But hey, whatever works I guess.

[stresskimo]

Emma,

I for one, have found that my crossdressing is really some sort of self-prescribed therapy. I find that whenever I am stressed from life or from work the thought of crossdressing grows stronger and stronger. When I get depressed, as well. I believe that when I was a child I spent a lot of time alone. When I was alone in a huge house there wasn't much to do but to watch televeision. This progressed into dressing in my mother's clothing and actually my father's suits as well, come to think of it.

I think now I find a lot of comfort in women's clothing. It still feels like an escape for me. I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense.

I saw that you are going into nursing for mental health. Very interesting.

This is very simular to my partner, he was bullied alot in younger life and had a difficult home life for a while, this is when it started, with his mums clothing, you should get in touch with him, his username is smileinsecret.

yes i am going into mental health, i start in May im so excited my partner encouraged me to do it, hes a nurse too but general adult sector, i prefer understanding how people think and feel and helping by talking rather than stitch 'em up up see 'em on their way type of approach.
Maybe its a reason im coping with this well ill say 'ok' for now.

[Stephanie Miller]

"and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial"

You both better allow yourselves a little breathing room here. Not everyone is in "denial". Some just haven't thought about it, are scared to think that far or maybe even desires change with time. Some people slow down, some speed up and then there are those that are just happy with status quo.
You both have had a lot dumped on your plates in a very short time. How about slowing down and know that you aren't going to have all the answers fast enough to satisfy you and that you are both together on this and as a team can work it out. You sound like you have so far with everything else.
Set your boundaries together and none change unless you change them together.

[yazooey]

Stephanie,

Those are all very sound pieces of advice.

[EnglishRose]

"and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial"

You both better allow yourselves a little breathing room here. Not everyone is in "denial". Some just haven't thought about it, are scared to think that far or maybe even desires change with time. Some people slow down, some speed up and then there are those that are just happy with status quo.

I think this was the impression she was given elsewhere, not her own thoughts on the matter, to be fair.

[Stephanie Miller]

Very true Christina. Athough I have found in vulnerable times people generaly gravitate towards the worst scinerio first. And I just wanted Emma to be clear that the "denial or 24/7" impression is not totaly true. There is a LOT of middle ground for them.

[alexis GG]

He says he does it to relax, to feel more 'soft' and feminine. And would never leave the house dressed. Is this common? do alot of CD's just do this as a 'release'? to just express a softer side to them every now and again? i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

Hi Emma what a great way you have put your story across... I can only answer from my own experience with my partner .. He cd's for release, be it stress or whatever, he doesn't go out in public and certainly doesn't dress to pass.. he is your typical bloke in a dress and like your SO mine hasn't got a fem name either.. he goes by Az_azeel. Feel free to PM me if you fancy a chat anytime

[MarinaKirax]

Wow. lots to learn. I have learned alot in the last month on this forum, that time being the date since I was found out by my wife. I believe we are sane, loving, intelligent people and you may want to read over my threads "Well, I got caught..." and the 1 month update.

I see in your last few lines of the first post the same desire my wife has to grasp at normalcy. "it's just clothes...". It is, and it isn't. I think we went though a week or two of trying to joke about my dressing, and then relegate it to the background and almost try to pretend it didn't exist. You see? here we are having dinner and my husband is talking hjust like he always does, nothing changed, right? The truth is somewhere beneath that surface. I'm finding that i want to acknowledge these feeling of mine as a constant part of me; not to dress all the time, and not to long to dress every minute I have alone, but to have it as a 'part' of me at all times. You may think you bought vanilla ice cream, then be angry when you thought the flavour was different, say butterscotch. But you've got neither. You probably have butterscotch ripple. You may eat bowls and bowls of vanilla and never see a vein of butterscotch, but it's there. You cant separate it from the rest.

I've also found in the last month that we all dress for seemingly different gratifications. Is it the clothes? The textures, the image of femininity? The wish to be female, or the wish to mate with males? So be careful. Don't be fooled into thinking that what one person says on this forum is what is going through the mind of your man. Ask him what makes him tick, and don't be sqeamish. Ask what gives him an erection - the thoght of being female, or the clothes? It will be an education for the both of you.

[Wen4cd]

He says he does it to relax, to feel more 'soft' and feminine. And would never leave the house dressed. Is this common? do alot of CD's just do this as a 'release'? to just express a softer side to them every now and again? i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

It's one way of looking at a certain 'type' of CDer, or a possibly more accurately, certain 'phase' of personal development in life. The CDer needs, wants, to feel complete, all parts functioning, and not paralyzed by shame and self-hating.

In a pure sense, CDing is a call to better oneself. To express the full range of traits a person was born with. When natural traits are suppressed through life as being 'feminine' and therefore 'not for you,' they sort of become a inner female personality that is semi-conscious. (Anima) It's in everuone, and every woman has, conversely, an animus personality within.

A CDer can be described as someone who has become aware of this hidden side of their personality, and feels that to be the best person they can be, they should integrate it into their full personality. The fact that they do this through dressing is rare, but natural. In one way, the dressing is majorly for the CDer to believe that the intangible concept is real, and the urge to be accpeted and go out socially is another affirmation of the 'realnes' of this newly discovered personality. Someone's only 'real' of it is loved, hated, seen, reacted to, affirmed.

But it is hard, since the anima, while being a collection of traits, is also a personified being, just as we are, being a collection of traits. So, identity issues arise, and are unavoidable, except with, as you say, denial. So that's possible where that vibe comes from.

The idea of being two people at once is a paradoxical concept to grasp, so often there is intrernal conflict, as the higher non-gendered personality struggles to form itself out of the two 'halves.' It is very much like a forging process, and there will be sparks.

Many people would rather just be 'one or the other,' (anyone would, because it's so much easier to think about) and try to, because it is such a painful process. When (and if) your SO faces the inner personality, and sees her for being real, there will be something like a slow-motion reaction to how you reacted yourself. There will be joy and despair and new emotional cycles developing, but there will be life and vitality.

Western culture usually maintains that a person is 'developed' by their 20's, and people take this to mean that they stop growing and are now 'adults.' This illusion usually lasts about 15 years, shorter if someone is not heavily distracted or overly sated.

[kimdl93]

I agree with Marina - each individual comes with his/her own mix of motivations, needs and desires. And these change over time - new parts added, the proportions shift...and we don't really know why. It just is. Its as much of a challenge for a CDer to explain as it is for a spouse to understand.

[Lorileah]

hes still the person i fell in love with, he has the same mind, the same heart, the same soul.

He's still funny and sexy and protective, sweet and kind.

and that is love. It isn't what you see, it is what you feel, inside. It is how you "see" that person inside. That hasn't changed just the angle from which you are seeing things. It may look different, but it isn't.

As you wander through the threads here you will see that he isn't that unusual. He is really just like many here. He has felt alone and afraid, same as you do now, but over a longer period of time. Not the cascade you had, but prolonged. Yes, he hid it from you. He has become good at hiding because he expected that is what the world wanted from him. It was wrong and trust me he knows it. Many times here we say "Tell her, tell her now. It will be easier than later." You don't think that now but what if he had waited for 10 years. Your life would have been even more set than it is now. It looks as though you are trying to work through this. It isn't easy. You both have years, even centuries, of concepts that have been ingrained into you. I am so happy that you have decided to look beyond that. You are scared, he is scared. You need each other. That is how partnership and marriage should be. You need each other. Not one needing the other more. You have hit a bump. You know that he has secrets and I would guess you do also. You don't need to divulge all of them, just the ones that will impact you two as a couple. But now is a perfect time to discuss what you need, what you want and how you both can make that happen. It is just a part of his life. A part that if you want can be good for both of you.

Trust me on this. It is who you are and who he is. The white charger and happily ever after is a fairy tale. But being with someone who really cares about you can make it seem real. I had 35 years of experience on that. I am so happy you came and told us your story.

[sherri52]

Emma: Your awesome. The initial thought was to yell and scream and yet somehow you held out and came to the conclusion that he is the same man except for the clothes. I hope everything works out well for you both.

[Debra Jane]

Thankyou for being so upfront about this issue and I have put my story here to hopefully help you both.

In my case I felt tremendous relief when I came out to my wife. To be fair I told her, she didn't catch me and she was not angry generally. She did have the same feeling about the 'lie' that you do and she was very upset re that and it took some time for her to understand what was going on in my head.

CD's have this desire and believe me it is a very powerful and lifetime urge, and because it brings out so many negative emotions in people who find out, see us out or just in conversation about it we can live in fear/dread of what our SO's reaction might be. A marriage is built on trust and I can 'now' see how much I hurt her.

My wife and I spoke openly about the depth of my feelings and where I wanted to go with it. I opened up completely and told her that I've always been putting up a charade, was confused about my gender and was still very unsure about what I wanted. We discussed our individual needs and desires at length (opened both our cans of worms) and out of love and respect for each other our bond is now much stronger, we have both found much more happiness.

She protects me and I protect her.

She enjoys Debra's presence and I am a different person in drab mode when I'm regularly dressing, she will tell me to go and find Debra when she sees that I'm upset and when she's upset we go shopping, lol. Her acceptance has changed me as a person and I have a vastly different view of life and myself as a result.

D.J.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

And I just wanted Emma to be clear that the "denial or 24/7" impression is not totaly true. .

It isn't, and i'm proof of that, but she's right that the impression is out there. Even on this forum I frequently have people encourage me to go fully en femme because they feel like I don't do it out of some sense of inadequacy as opposed to just not wanting to do it.

[Sally2005]

Great post! I think it provides a perfect example why many CDers keep to themselves. Fear of being rejected over 'just clothes'. Don't forget every woman wears mens clothing from time to time and it is no big deal. I'm a little surpised by your reaction based on your age because I thought younger generations were a lot more knowledgable and accepting about CDing. Anyhow, lots of credit for giving him a chance and taking the initiative to learn about instead of running away. I think if you both can learn to accept it, the CDing can become something you both can enjoy because it is probably something that will never go away.

[Samantha_Smile]

On behalf of myself and Emma (Stresskimo),
I'd just like to extend the greatest thanks to everyone who has contributed towards helping both of us start to deal with this.

It wasn't untill I joined this board myself that I began to fully accept myself. All the years of trying to stop and failing misserably. All the years of lies and hiding. All the guilt and shame. I thought I was the only one.
It has only been in the last 8-12 weeks that I typed the word 'crossdresser' into google! How dumb was I!?
Bringing myself to tell Emma was easily the most difficult period I have ever faced. How do you explain 15 years of shame, lies and guilt?
My biggest regret now, is that I never got to tell her myself.
Damn Firefox.
While computers have potentially saved our relationship in the aftermath, and have brought us to this wonderfull haven of acceptance and welcome, they are, at the end of the day, just a machine. They show no emotion, love or even consideration for feeling. (Im not looking forward to Skynet going live LOL
But this isn't all about me.

I agree with the idea that there seems to be a small culture of gurls who put across that "youre in denial unless youre 24/7, going outside, living it up".
To me thats just retarded, and to be honest, seems a little like dictation, and is very rude. Especially to new members such as my good lady. These people may be known on here for their views and attitudes as the say it as they see it type.

*Maude Flanders Voice*
But thinks of the noobs...
Won't somebody PLEASE think of the noobs!

CDing isn't black and white, its a million shades of grey, then every other conceivable colour on top of that! So please try to remember this when you post an OPINION.
Your opinion is not fact, so please do not phrase it as such.
A simple IMO (in my opinion) will suffice.

Also, while Im here, there is a population of people on here who seek to decieve and confuse others with their thesaurus-like vocabulary.
Now, not myself, nor Emma are dumb.
We both have IQs above 120, so there is no need to patronise us, or anyone else. But if I have to go to google to define any word that you post, then you will have negated your post by default... It wont be read. Simples (eerk).

Enough of my tangent.
Thank you all again so much.
For my push in the right direction.
For The welcome to us both.
For all the kind words.

Much love goes out to you all.

Smile
-x-

[Satrana]

Hi Emma

I am impressed that you are handling this the right way after the world caved in for you. You have to get support as quickly as possible so you can get a handle on what this is really about instead of just thinking the worst and crying yourself into oblivion. So congrats.

Please be careful about reading other posts here. There is a wide spectrum of transgender expression and you should not think everything here is applicable to your partner. Always ask him to clarify what his dressing means to him and trust his answer.

Some words of wisdom. Please forgive him for hiding this from you. He did it out of shame and guilt. He did it because he thought he would lose you. He did it to prevent you from feeling the hurt you feel now. No matter how misguided you feel his decision was to hide it, he did what he thought was best. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you.

Forgiveness is at the heart of love. Find a way to let go of your anger. Don't fall into the trap some women do of holding onto the anger and using the deception as a weapon and reason to reject their partner's feminine side. Don't go there.

You have the opportunity to build a deeper emotional bond with a man than is usually possible. But be warned that along the way you will discover that you will have to unlearn the rules about gender that you thought were written in stone. Your eyes will be opened and you will never see the world the same way again. You will find society is really just a mirage and you may find yourself rejecting parts of it. It can be scary venturing out of your comfort zone but remember you partner is scared too. He needs a hug just as much as you do.

[Jonianne]

Welcome Emma and Smileinsecret! That is so wonderful that you both have found your way to this site. There is a lot of caring here for both of you.

This place is like a large salad bar, take in only what fits your situation. Like someone already mentioned, crossdressers cover the entire spectrum. No two will be the same.

I'm sorry you found out the hard way, Emma. Hopefully from now on you both will have great communication together. BTY, what a great choice of occupation you have made!

[TGMarla]

Well, this is certainly the kind of situation I think most of us are trying to avoid when we choose not to disclose this particular behavior to our wives and girlfriends. It's remarkable that you are actually taking this ball and running with it, though, and that makes your finacee a very lucky person. The thing is, though, is that it's so often NOT "just clothes", but rather something that lives deeper down.

He may say to you that he doesn't want to be a woman, and that may well be true. But it's also the only answer that he knows you will accept. What if we were given the choice at birth, knowing full well beforehand how it would be with us? What would the choice have been then? I would have chosen female over male. But it's only a fictional concept. As for me, there are two different questions to consider. One is "Do you want to be a woman?" The answer to that is yes. But the other question is more pertinent. "Are you going to change to become a woman?" The answer to that is no. I will not pursue the path of transition, and will remain as I am. And I am my wife's husband. I choose her.

But when I'm dressed, I usually go the whole 9 yards. Except for the usual giveaways, the large hands, the broad shoulders, etc., I look like a woman, and have passed as one rather surprisingly easily. Not always, and not to everyone, of course, but still.....it's quite obvious that I'm presenting as female. It's not just the clothes. It's a desire to exist in the world as a woman. At least this is true in my case.

It's also important to understand that this does not change who I am one bit. It would only change my wife's perception of me. She need not ever fear that she will lose me to a gender reassignment. But I think most women want men who want to be men. I'm not adverse to being a man; heck, I am one, and I'm going to stay that way. But given the choice, I'd have opted for female, and for many women, if not most, that's a game changer. And that's too bad, too, because it doesn't make one a lesser person, or a different person, or unworthy of a woman's love and devotion. Remember that but for a genetic crap-shoot, you women might well have been men instead, and you'd be the ones looking at the pretty clothes and longing to be able to put them on.

Think about it.

[Abbyru1]

Please don't make this into something you will both regret. It's going to be a long road
with many bumps. All of the gals who have posted above me have the right idea. It takes a lot of guts to come out of the dark and into the pink fog!

[jessie_b72]

you know? it is funny. H edecided no to tell you about his crossdressing and you got upset when you found out on your own.

In my case, I have told my girfriends( so far three of them (well, I haven't had so many) about me, being bi and dreesing up, and they don't believe me. well, the las one didn't believe me at the beginin but I showed her a pair of heels I was donating. We live together, not as a couple but as friends. we have a good relationship, but I think she still doesn't believe me.

we have been invited to some parties, and I help her choose her clothes, hairdo, shoes and make up.and it's fun. She hasn't see me all dressed up, I think I am not ready.

It is dificult to tell the truth to your loved ones. Believe me. Put yourself in his shoes. would you tell him if you were a FTM cd? Besides, we cds are more in touch with our feminine side, so we understand women and their feelings.

If you love him, try to undesrtand him, and be happy. besides a boyfriend, you have a good friend too.

[Angelofsomekind]

*Maude Flanders Voice*
But thinks of the noobs...
Won't somebody PLEASE think of the noobs!
-x-

Wasn't that Lovejoy's wife?

[JenniferR771]

Thanks for your insights, Emma. The deception problem is big, very important. Shame and fear of disapproval is the basis of it, I think. Imagine if you yourself discovered you had urges to wear pants, cut your hair short and grow a beard. Would you tell your mother? Your best friend?

[JamieG]

Emma, thanks for such a powerful post. My wife went through similar feelings when I finally came out to her (after four years of dating and one year of marriage). I could feel the raw emotions in what you wrote, and it helped me to gain a better insight into what my wife probably went through at first. I now have a sudden urge to give her a great big hug, but unfortunately I'm at work!

I wish you and your fiance the best of luck! If you're anything like us, there will probably be some points in the future where things will seem to go too far, and the anger will resurface. However, if you keep the lines of communication open, you'll both work your way through it, find a balance that works for both of you, and be a stronger couple for it.