My Personal Oddessy

[Lisa Maren]

Hi everyone

I've searched for threads that might answer this question but I don't see any. I will continue searching, but meanwhile here's my question. Please forgive me if it's already been covered (I'm sure I'm not the only one to wonder?) and please forgive the length of this post, too!

I feel confused about what gender I am on the inside. It's partly because my emotions can be quite exquisite at times, I empthasize strongly with others, I do cry at movies when they're emotionally laden, because I just love to cuddle my beautiful baby niece in my arms -- she's the most precious thing ever -- etc etc etc and partially it's because things like shaving my legs or other body hair feels... kinda like home -- and certainly feels *wonderful*! It's also because I am at least equally aroused by a fantasy of having sex with a female part as I am by a fantasy of having sex with a male part (though my partner is always a GG).

Sometimes I think that if I were either all male or all female on the inside then I wouldn't be confused -- and I think that thought has considerable merit. At the same time, my parents are very old fashioned as are most of the people they associate with (not to mention the uppity health club I'm a member of and the schools I attended -- no bragging intended here, I just mean that I have been surrounded by the traditional) so it's possible that I simply have strong male conditioning to overcome.

I think this confusion is making other decisions a chore such as whether I should shave all my body hair and not worry about disturbing my family a bit. If I was genuinely partly or more female on the inside then I have a good reason to do that. If not... you know.

So the question is twofold: 1) Has anyone else sought therapy for figuring this out? 2) Did it help or did you feel you were "educating the therapist" as the saying goes?

BTW I'm not talking about having the therapist answer the question for me because only I can answer that. I'm looking for... strategies for how to go about learning more about myself to figure that out or... thinks to look for or things to think about. Basically I'm looking for things that would help me decide myself which I am on the inside (or maybe both).

Thanks tons for your help everyone!

Big hugs,
Lisa

[tifftg]

I have been seeing a very gender aware therapist for about 4 months now. I am wrestling with many of the issues you describe. My need to make my femme side a more regular part of my life and the fear of hurting my family and my position. She has asked great questions and I am spending the most time on determining what it is that I truly value. Helpful therapists are out there, the time spent is well worth the effort in my opinion. I can share more if you are intersted.

Hugs,

Tiffany

[Tristen Cox]

A good therapist is going to ask you questions that make you think. Make you outwardly express yourself. As you answer you will be seeing and listening to yourself. You'll hear what answers you give and find where you are inside. They will guide with the questions, that's their job.

First step is getting educated in what's what. How to self define your feelings as much as possible, not decide, just define. The next would be seeing a therapist to confirm or deny these feelings. Learn all you can in the meanwhile. Talk here and ask questions, or take a look at some of the books and information suggested in this section(which I moved your thread to). A good starter book is "True Selves" http://www.moss-fritch.com/true_selves.htm

Good luck on your journey We're always here to help when you need it.

[Deborah757]

Hi everyone

I've searched for threads that might answer this question but I don't see any. I will continue searching, but meanwhile here's my question. Please forgive me if it's already been covered (I'm sure I'm not the only one to wonder?) and please forgive the length of this post, too!

I feel confused about what gender I am on the inside.

I was thinking about this very question today as I have been thinking about it for three and a half decades. So, no you are not alone. Unfortunately, I don't have a very good answer. I have been thinking about seeing a therapist, but am not sure that they are going to ask me anything that I haven't asked myself countless times already. These questions run the gamut from, am I transsexual, or am I gay in denial, or am I certifiably insane, or am I some other permiutation of all of the above? Some days I think I have the final answer, but then doubt creeps in and I go back to the neverending quest to find out who I am.

All the other stuff you wrote I could have written myself as I have had similar, if not identical, feelings and experiences.

Can a therapist help? I doubt they can ever give you the definitive answer you want. They can guide your search with questions, but in the end you will have to decide for yourself.

[Sharon]

Can a therapist help? I doubt they can ever give you the definitive answer you want. They can guide your search with questions, but in the end you will have to decide for yourself.

A good therapist does not even attempt to give you a definitive answer. What they do is get you to open up and discover for yourself what it is you want and need. When you and the therapist finally reach a conclusion, then the tough questions begin, such as: what is it we want, what about our relationships with family and friends, what about employment, where do we expect to see ourselves in one year or twenty years and is it realistic, etc.
We can spend a lifetime self-diagnosing, but few of us are capable of providing feedback to ourselves or answering questions we haven't even considered.
And beyond this point, if it is decided that hormones, or more, are called for, then only a licensed therapist can prescribe them or refer us to a doctor who can.

[emmicd]

A psychologist or psychiatrist/MD can not take the responibility of deciding what's best for you. They can only listen and try to understand your situation and have you discuss everything in your life and have you try to open up like you never did before. You ultimately have to piece all the parts of your life together and all your relationships and decide with a great amount of thought and consideration.

They must be reputable and licensed. They must also follow the guidelines outlined by the Harry Benjamin standards of care. You will have to be honest with your feelings and may consider your options as there are so many different ways to deal with gender dysphoria.

Always remember that if in doubt you never make such a drastic decision. Under Harry Benjanin standards of care the likely chance of that happening is minimal because there is a minimum requirement of 2 year transition period where you must dress as a woman full time. You may elect hormone treatment and electrolysis, etc. Also another consideration is the cost. It is very expensive and most likely not covered under insurance.

You need to take the first step though and be honest with yourself.

Good Luck to you!

Emmi

[Lisa Maren]

Thanks for your replies, girls!

I've received some good feedback. I'm not considering GRS at this point, and I never expected a therapist to tell me which gender I am on the inside -- only I can tell myself what I am. Not sure where those two things came from, but they are always good to keep in mind for those to whom they do apply.

I think I may well find a therapist over here and see what strategies he or she recommends for unraveling this myself.

Hugs,
Lisa