Hi Girls,
It has been a while since I've been on crossdressers.com or posted anything. Things have been really busy with the holidays and trying to catch up. Work has been really busy too. Lucky for me, I'm going to stop traveling for work so I'll have more time at home and more time to go out here in Dallas.
Yesterday I had my first appointment with a therapist. I've never been to a therapist or counselor of any type before. It was actually a very good experience so I thought I would tell you a little bit about it and see if anyone of you have been to one.
So here is a little background on why I went...
I came out to my wife April of last year. Things have been going well for the most part. There have been some ups and downs but mostly ups. I've been wanting to do somethings to progress a little. Things like get laser hair removal on my beard and start dressing around the house and out in the general public more. To this point I mostly go out to clubs in the gay part of town.
My wife was resistant to any more changes because she thought that one thing would lead to another and I would eventually want to get my male parts removed. I don't have any desire to do that but she thought that if she gave into some of these little things it would lead to bigger things.
As long as I feel like there is hope then I have no problems. If I feel like there is no hope then I start to get depressed. Some financial issues, not related to my gender, have been a burden on us lately. That coupled with my gender issues were starting to build. I was feeling really bad about being trapped in the middle. It was almost better when everything was hidden and repressed. I was having a lot of depression problems and was crying a lot. I really felt that I needed to get some professional help to sort things out.
Things hit rock bottom about 3 weeks ago. She was thinking that I was going out when I traveled and thought I was having an affair. I got tired of being accused of things I wasn't doing so I just laid it all on the line. I told her, "Whether I'm going out of not, you think I am. Whether I am having an affair or not, you think I am. So from this point forward you just need to assume that I am going out and that I am having an affair and you have to decide if you still love me and if you want to stay with me." She didn't take it well. One day we were talking and she told me that she thought we should separate.
I heard the one thing that I never wanted to hear. I can't live without her. She is everything to me. Without her love I am nothing. So I told her that I was going to throw all my stuff away and just quit. Maybe I would go get some psychological help and take drugs or whatever I needed to do to stop it. I got up and started throwing my stuff in trash bags. She told me that if I didn't stop she was going to leave. So, I was trapped. I could stop. She wouldn't let me. But I also couldn't do the things I wanted to do to move forward.
I set up an appointment with a therapist that has a lot of experience working with the transgendered community.
A day or two later I stayed home from work and just laid in bed all day. I had a lot of time to think. I decided that from this point forward I was going to stop crying and whining. Stop acting like a little baby. No matter what I was going to keep a positive outlook. I have always been the person that everyone goes to for help. You would NEVER know if I was having a bad day or if things weren't going perfect. I think that is one of the reasons my wife loves me. I was becoming something that no one would ever want to be around.
Things started getting better almost immediately. She told me it was ok to do whatever I needed to do and she would love me and support me. I know that I can't just run out and go crazy. I didn't plan to do that in the first place. But now she had given me complete freedom.
I was going to cancel my appointment with the therapist but forgot to so I had to go.
It was a really nice experience. The therapist was very helpful and kind and it felt good to get some things out. I don't know whether I'll go back again or not. I'd love to have my wife and I both attend some sessions together because I think most of our issues are not with my gender, but instead with trust and our relationship in general. We have a great relationship but I think it can always be better and sometimes having a guide can be helpful.
So that is where I am. I just wanted to update my friends here on my progress and encourage everyone to seek help if you need it.
Until next time...
Kisses,
Allie