Ok so I've been considering posting about this for a while now, and since it came up in another thread of mine I thought I'd actually get to it finally. I'm putting it in this section because I think it might be useful to guys who don't have access to the private ftm sections, and maybe interesting somehow to other types of members. EDIT: I actually feel silly now that I've posted this. :\ I don't feel like I've explained very well, and it seems like I made it sound simpler/more minor than I mean. *shrug*
My entire life I've had problems with communication. When I was a kid I often had no idea how to express myself, even around seemingly simple situations. I know that's pretty standard when we're very young, but it continued well past the point where other children were getting a good handle on it. I would often feel trapped in myself, not knowing why nothing I said ever seemed to come out right. I felt disconnected from everyone around me, and was unable to build any friendships. I would reverse math questions in an attempt to make it challenging (subtract rather than add, divide rather than multiply, or vice versa); would spell words perfectly after hearing them, and then have to sit frustratedly through them being used in a sentence or two; but I struggled with writing. I had trouble keeping up with verbal instruction/teaching, and would get lost then stop paying attention. I could understand written words much better though, and used it to my advantage with things like spelling, understanding what words individually meant, and later with countering my difficulties.
I took it upon myself to analyze as many situations as I could through written words (staying up all night reading), and then try to apply them to what I saw in real life interactions; I also used the understanding I developed of individual words, and the range of words I understood to figure out what people were saying to me, and how to respond. I developed a deliberate system of contextual analysis. I guess that's what we all do subconsciously when communicating, but for me it was VERY deliberate and wholly conscious. I ended up struggling still because I couldn't get around my difficulty with picking the right meaning when multiple options were possible. I also spent a considerable amount of time simply analyzing myself and applying what I learned to understanding other people; the benefit of which has been that I have often been told that I understand things that many middle-aged people haven't yet grasped (yay, a benefit! :P).
When I went through female puberty my communication skills gradually increased. Eventually I became much better at expressing myself, and reached the point where English and Social Studies teachers would be suspicious of me because they felt that my writing was at a university level (and of course I must not have written it). I dropped out of high school after grade 10. When I later upgraded my English I was met with appreciation rather than suspicion because by then I was an adult, but I had been on T for a while and my communication skills were deteriorating. Around the same time, I received a perfect score on reading in my GED exams, but scored surprisingly low on writing.
When I started testosterone I didn't initially notice any changes in my communication skills, and I didn't expect any. Over time though I started to notice an increase of the problems that I had as a child. My grammar when writing has gone to pot. I struggle to find the right words, or even to figure out what it is I want to say in the first place. I sometimes stutter, or say a different word than what I mean to when speaking. I get frustrated easily in face-to-face conflicts with people I love, because I have difficulty even putting my finger on why I'm upset and what I need to say, and then I don't have a clue how to say it (writing or typing is easier because I have time to think and organize things). I repeat myself, changing how I say it every time, because I can't get what I think in my head to come out right in words. I often mean to say something positive, and come off as hostile or negative instead. I cause problems for myself all the time by going into way too much detail, because I am trying to make sure I get enough info in to be properly understood; I ask a million questions because I need to know everything to trust that I understand even part of something; and I overthink everything because it takes a lot of comparison for me to weed out what I think is right. Fortunately at this point I have learned enough, and have enough experience with these struggles that I do fairly well regardless, and I have a very easy time with casual social interactions, particularly with strangers. I am back to the feeling of translating though, and I often feel 'locked in' again when upset.
Some other interesting and somewhat related things to note are:
- I have had intelligence testing, and was found to have excellent comprehension skills (98th percentile if I remember correctly) but abnormally low processing skills, which means it takes me a long time to think and answer (due to translating maybe?).
- I loved all books as a child, only novels when estrogen was dominant, and only non-fiction now.
- I hated writing and loved math as a child, and I'm the same now, but I was the opposite with estrogen.
- I used to be able to judge when it was my turn to talk flawlessly, but I am always unsure now and interrupt people often.
- It took me over 2 hours of constant focus to write this, after several months of mentally deciding what to say.
So there you go, an interesting look maybe at some of my experiences, and how different hormones have affected them. Keep in mind that I find this the most fascinating because I 100% believed that my communication skills would remain unchanged, and only noticed what was happening when I went "hey, this is exactly how I felt as a kid!" I kind of like that it's a strong indication that I am more my real self on T than estrogen though.
PS. I know I may make it sound dire, but really I do ok because of all the effort I've put in. It's just interesting and a bit frustrating, but I don't mind because it's just part of me. This is my personal experience and not anything I've really heard of happening before, so don't worry very much that this could happen for you too. It is not something I consider a downside of T.