Do we "need" to be outed?

[kimdl93]

Many of the threads on this site describe "outings" or near outings, almost getting caught, being read by an acquaintance, stranger or a Sales Associate, etc.

It made me wonder a bit about my own motivations. I'm "out" to my SO, and dress pretty much full time at home, but closeted to most other friends, family and the workplace. But, I do, quite deliberately, underdress and wear some makeup in public whenever possible.

This makes me wonder if my motivation is simple thrill seeking, or perhaps I'm deliberately giving hints out of a desire to out oneself to more people, and looking for broader acceptance from them?

Have any of you considered this possibility?

[Sarah Doepner]

Interesting question. I think you will find our motivations are as unique as each one of us. I don't relish the trama associated with being "outted", it can be messy, embarrassing, complicated and have far-reaching consequences, some of them totally unintended. On the other hand I would love to be more at ease in the company of friends and family, being able to dress how I felt at the time. My bride and other crossdressers have seen me in both male and female presentation, but it would be satisfying to not have to plan ahead, change plans at the last minute, deny my feminine longings or hide and change on the spur of the moment because I don't feel comfortable sharing this with whoever we will be seeing shortly.

I don't want to be outted, but I need to work on coming out.

[Lorileah]

This makes me wonder if my motivation is simple thrill seeking, or perhaps I'm deliberately giving hints out of a desire to out oneself to more people, and looking for broader acceptance from them?

Have any of you considered this possibility?

do you get a thrill doing that? If so, then that is probably the reason. If you do it just because you like it then not. At my age the adrenaline rush is long gone but the feeling you get when you get a compliment lasts forever, so I guess I'll vote acceptance

[charlytuna]

I been wondering the same when I go underdress my wife ask me that also. I'm only out to her deep in the closet to everyone else

[MJ]

interesting point if we all get out in the real world then cding would get more accepted by the main stream. we all want that but are scared to do it..

[Kimmy55]

I think ( In my case anyway ) that there is a deep rooted desire to come out/get caught or whatever else you may wanna call it in order to feel completely comfortable.

[sherri52]

I'm out to a number of people. To those I'm not out, I keep doing things to make them think of it even more. I maje it a point when talking to gg friends that don't know to show them my pink tinted nail polish. Mayb I just point out that I wear womens jeans all the time. I think it is just a way to eventually let everyone know so that it won't be a secret anymore.

[kimdl93]

Hi again! I know we're all unique in some way, but perhaps not surprisingly, several of you touched on something that I've observed in myself, especially around GGs. Minor hints, like when one of my co-worker's teasingly suggested that my complexion was "summer". I went right along with it...commenting oh how I probably looked best in pastels. I couldn't bring myself right out to say it...I suspect I was hoping she might guess!

[Susie Mae]

The potential threat of being outed is a big part of my excitement. If I were out all the time, I could never have the thrill. As it is, my wife can always use the threat as part of my training, "Have the floors and the ironing done when I come back, or I will make you walk to the store in your frillies."

[Katesback]

Perhaps we are all just like the question from yesterday. Deviants! LOL

One of these days I am going to crossdress as a boy and see how much fun I can have with that one. Come to think of it some days I am rather butch and other days femmy. HMMMMM.

[mklinden2010]

Kim,

Honestly, I have never considered that possibility for you. In fact, I don't think I've even heard of you before. At any rate, you'd know better than we would.

As for myself, sure, there used to be a bit of a thrill doing "things" that I could get caught at... And, there's always that satisfaction of "getting away with it" when you get home.

I've kind of forgotten about all that, however, as between planned and unplanned "outings" the general reaction is a smile and a shurg.

What they say about confidence is true. Once you set the tone, other people fall into line.

That goes, by the way, for "running like a rabbit" when discovered - people will chase you to see what you're running away from... And make fun of you for that.

But, staying in place (if "properly" dressed otherwise) and saying, "Oh, hi there!" a few times... Most the thrill goes away after that.

Oh, well... There's always base jumping, skipping your income taxes, and, slapping bears.

[kimdl93]

.....As for myself, sure, there used to be a bit of a thrill doing "things" that I could get caught at... And, there's always that satisfaction of "getting away with it" when you get home....

The thrill element may still be there - a little, but I suspect deeper down, at least for me, there's a desire (certainly not latent) to be found out and perhaps in some cases "accepted".

That being said, I'm not sure its a wise or healthy approach to getting people to know or accept one as a CD.

[Lorileah]

Tomorrow came along and there was no stigma as you see it to wearing clothing from the opposite gender, would you quit? What if no one cared? Would you stop wearing skirts? What would be your next thrill? Playing tag with a rattlesnake? Running for public office (you have plenty of background now hiding things from the public and hoping you don't get caught)

There are thousands and thousands of adrenaline junkies out there. Why did you choose to crossdress? It would have been more socially acceptable to buy a top fuel dragster or BASE jumping.

The point I am trying to make is that there is probably something deeper down inside you that led you here. Now say you are "outted" as you say, will that stop you? The next "outting" won't be as potent so you will have to do more. Do you run naked now in your neighborhood? Freud believed that there was an inner reason for what everyone does. That reason is usually pleasure so if the thrill is gone...do you move on?

I don't know your age group but what you are thinking has probably run though almost every mind here. Yet look at the people who are here and posting on a regular basis. If they were outted or not most of them now are seeing crossdressing as a part of them, not a thrill (although I am sure there is a special feeling that most get when they dress).

So to really answer your question about are you looking to get caught, you will have to answer "if I do will it change anything?"

Oh by the way, tomorrow isn't that far off. In many places no one really cares what you wear.

[kimdl93]

Tomorrow came along and there was no stigma as you see it to wearing clothing from the opposite gender, would you quit?

I would like to very politely suggest that you may have misunderstood the point of my question. While I acknowledge there is a thrill seeking element to going out underdress/partially etc, the real point is to ask is whether many of us might actually hope to be "read" outed or however one may want to put it, preferably by someone sympathetic.

[Lorileah]

Didn't see anything about sympathy (and I don't think we really want sympathy) but you said acceptance. They are different. And you asked if it was simple "thrill seeking" which would infer that it isn't sympathy you were looking for. Unless it was "poor you dressed like that". Quite simply if you want to be read, it is easy. Be read. Go out, be yourself, have self confidence (which will get respect more than sympathy). Sneaking around and acting fearful leads more to the "thrill" part. Maybe you meant we are narcissistic? We want to be noticed? Then in that case I will agree. If I put the time and effort into doing my make up and hair, putting on a nice outfit, then yes I want to be noticed. I get ignored on a daily basis.


You are correct, I am misreading what you are asking. Are you asking that we are hoping for pity? Or are you hoping someone points and stares? I guess I still don't understand what you are looking for

[mklinden2010]

Oh, well, if you're looking for a particular kind of reaction, it seems the only sure thing in going about life, "taking chances" is that it's Y-O-U you hope to find sympathetic after you get found out.

In other words, you're making yourself "out" yourself because you think you'll be happier when you "just get it over with."

I'd buy that as a motivator as I think a lot of people do exactly that.. Put themselves in a position they can't get out of so they have to get on with it.

Base jumping is like that...

"Wow! You got guts!"

"I knoooooooooooooooooooow!"

I would like to very politely suggest that you may have misunderstood the point of my question. While I acknowledge there is a thrill seeking element to going out underdress/partially etc, the real point is to ask is whether many of us might actually hope to be "read" outed or however one may want to put it, preferably by someone sympathetic.

[kimdl93]

You are correct, I am misreading what you are asking. Are you asking that we are hoping for pity? Or are you hoping someone points and stares? I guess I still don't understand what you are looking for

I was looking to stimulate a discussion, and appear to have achieved that. But more specifically, beyond the thrill point that you emphasized - my question was "do some (not say all, not even a majority or significant minority) of us have some hidden desire to be caught, outed, read or whatever..."

While I don't equate the term sympathetic with a need for sympathy nor pity, i'd rather not engage in a semantic debate... Let's say some might be looking for a positive reaction...something other than hostility or derision.

I think its a fair question.

[Lorileah]

"do some (not say all, not even a majority or significant minority) of us have some hidden desire to be caught, outed, read or whatever..."

Of course there are people who want that

Let's say some might be looking for a positive reaction...something other than hostility or derision.

I think its a fair question.

And you do this how? Wearing panties (OMG sorry...it had to be said) under your clothing won't get much chance of having someone say "gee that's nice" unless your pants fall down or you end up somehow in the ER. You won't get a positive reaction playing coy. How many times do GG's do that and usually with bad results. Walking around flipping your skirt and twirling in hopes that someone will say how nice you look isn't the way to try and get attention. Funny, in all the years I have been out dressed I have never received negative attention. I didn't hide what I was doing. The reactions I got were almost always positive with a few ambivalent ones thrown in. The only negative reaction I have had was from my MIL who said I was the ugliest woman in the world. So over all I think if you are looking for someone to "accept" you then just do it. There are pictures posted somewhere on this forum of me in a local park. It was to be a simple photo shoot. Soon there were about 20 plus people following us around as we did the shoot. All were very positive.

So you see, if you want people to be "sympathetic" to what yo do and who you are, then you have to let them have the chance. Underdressing isn't going to do it unless you are in a gym. I still don't think we are on the same page here. I still feel that you are thinking that somehow all this is wrong. That you somehow are wrong for doing what you do. Like sneaking cookies. MKL above may be more on point to what you are asking than I am.

[Joanne f]

Is it thrill seeking or is it a comfort level, if it is thrill seeking then i would have thought that you would go out dressed in some way , yes you maybe hinting to friends and others that there is another side to you but it is within a comfort level , if they started asking questions would you be prepared to answer them honestly .

[SuzanneBender]

do you get a thrill doing that? If so, then that is probably the reason. If you do it just because you like it then not. At my age the adrenaline rush is long gone but the feeling you get when you get a compliment lasts forever, so I guess I'll vote acceptance

For some it is a adrendaline filled thrill ride of a rush. The first few times. Then you realize the world really doesn't care. Lori is right its about acceptance. Sara J describes it as the "moment of being" and I agree. The true thrill isn't about getting caught or being outed. The thrill comes from being just another person in the world.

Tomorrow came along and there was no stigma as you see it to wearing clothing from the opposite gender, would you quit? What if no one cared? Would you stop wearing skirts? What would be your next thrill? ..... It would have been more socially acceptable to buy a top fuel dragster or BASE jumping.
Oh by the way, tomorrow isn't that far off. In many places no one really cares what you wear.

Tomorrow is here baby. I have been on a plane, sat on a beach, shopping, makeovers, meals, gas stations, grocery stores, movies and moved among middle America for some time as Suzanne. I am read all the time, but it doesn't make a bit of difference. Today you are just another human being in the mix. We still have a long way to go, but Houston we have lift off. The shuttle Feminity has departed the gravitational pull and it en route to the Age of Transgenderism.

I think you have something with this thrill seeking idea. Maybe I will start a tour business that helps clients cross dress and then throw them out of a plane or send then down the river on a white water raft. Want in? I am looking for investors. I think I will call it Primp and Dive or Too Cute to Die or Scared Beautiful.

Kim, I think there are those that do desire to get caught. They want to be out, but they just can't bring themselves to face the consequences, which are never as bad as imagined. If you are "outed" you will never have any regrets about coming out. Its kind of like your first jump in Airborne School. If the jumpmaster kicks you in the tushy to push you out of the plane and your chute doesn't open you don't have to feel bad because it was his fault you jumped.

[kimdl93]

I still feel that you are thinking that somehow all this is wrong. That you somehow are wrong for doing what you do. Like sneaking cookies. MKL above may be more on point to what you are asking than I am.

honestly, Lorileah, we're talking past each other at this point. I would count myself among those who for a variety of reasons can't or won't go out entirely en femme - and frankly envy those, such as yourself - who have been able to do so.

And I suspect I'm not alone in suspecting that maybe sometimes I want to be "caught"...

[Kaz]

I think ( In my case anyway ) that there is a deep rooted desire to come out/get caught or whatever else you may wanna call it in order to feel completely comfortable.

This at one level is so simple...

Yes.. we want to be able to be who we are and be accepted...

Then it gets more complicated...

Because we actually want more than that...

Some of us have worked this out and choose to stay in the closet... that is a safe (but not an easy) option..

Why do I so want to "pass" rather being "accepted"..?

Getting "caught" is passive "outing"...

Kaz xx

[docrobbysherry]

After reflecting, I think I rate being "OUTED" with:

Getting financial wiped out.
Loosing my sight.
Or, the death of one of my children!

[IamSara]

I think ( In my case anyway ) that there is a deep rooted desire to come out/get caught or whatever else you may wanna call it in order to feel completely comfortable.

That is how I feel about it also. Just not sure how I would handle it.
Sarah

[Greymancd]

I dressed up fully once and drove to payless and shopped a bit and then left. I did not talk to anyone but the thrill was super. I do like the thrill but I really do not want to be outed here at home though because of work (way to macho me even hahaha). I would love to go to another city and go out with another cd or two