And then she said.......

[VictoriaP]

Hi all! I posted a few weeks back ( "I need some advice....") about my wife going from, what seemed to be total acceptance to apathetic disgust(yes, I know that is a contradiction) in regard to my dressing. I got lots of wonderful advice, some of which I used, but all was appreciated. Lots of advice was dead on, as far as her feelings.
Well, after talking to her, I brought the subject up, and listening and listening, I have now been waiting and waiting. I agreed to put a hold on dressing ( at least while she is around)
until she sorts out her feelings and she is ready to talk about it again. I told her very plainly that I could not/would not wait a long time, but fully understood her need for reflection and time. I am trying to be as sensitive and understanding as possible to her feelings; I know this is not an easy issue for many GGs.
Anyway it is now more than a month, and I want to dress up so bad, it hurts sometimes! Yet, I still am waiting for her to talk to me. We are going on a cruise next week and I know there will be time for a good talk; my question: should I bring up the subject, again? The last time we talked about I also brought it up. Does it sound like she is just trying the "ignore it and it will go away" strategy?
I am sorry to keep coming back to all of you terrific people with these questions but these past few months have been very difficult for me, in 3 years I went from climbing out of the closet, to acceptance, complete happiness, shopping together, doing nails together, etc, to complete disdain and now, well as I have described above.........I feel so confused.

[Sarah_GG]

Can you direct your SO towards this website where she can get help in understanding your CDing? There's a very useful thread about the pendulum of acceptance that you might like to read too.

I do think you should try to discuss the whole thing with her. It may be difficult to bring up (like many relationship issues) but it may help you to understand what her issues are... and perhaps make it easier to negotiate.

good luck

[Diane Elizabeth]

You could ask her if she is ready to talk. If not, then give her some more time and then ask again. Take it from theere.

[ellenwannabe]

I think she is trying to ignore the issue and if you just don't bring it up, she wins - if she was once accepting of it maybe the idea of leading her to this site would be a great idea - best of luck - your sis Ellen

[RADER]

You could ask her if she is ready to talk. If not, then give her some more time and then ask again. Take it from theere.

VictoriaP:
Yes, that is the way to go. Remember go SLOW, If you push her to hard, she
might run away. Try to agree to underdress, at least you will feal some dressing, while giving the apperence of still being a male. I believe at first
your dressing was a novelty, and she was OK with a little fun. Then she
saw that she might be marreid to a girl and not a man, and she freeked out.
Try not to blame her for that, It is a natural thing. You have to convince
her that you are not trying to date Men, or change your sex. You just
want to ware Womands clothes. You might mention to her that it is a way
to feal what she is feeling. Good luck with your SO; Good partners are hard
to find, and even harder to keep. Rader

[Tina B.]

Hi Vicky, You never said if you knew any reasons for her change of heart. To often when we tell a spouse and get acceptance, We will go wild dressing every chance we get, and getting lost in what is known as a pink fog. Thinking only of dressing, talking about it when not doing it, and generally let it take over our lives. It's Natural after a life of keeping it inside. But let's face it, it can scare the heck out of our partners. Suddenly it looks like you don't want to be a guy anymore, and the girly side comes out in many different ways. Time spent dressing and grooming, money spent on shopping trips, canceling plans to spend time with friends or family, These things make a girl worry. Maybe what you need to do, is back off a little, try to get her talking and find out what turned her off by it all, and then set up parameters that both of you could live with.
Good luck, hope you figure out why you lost her support, it's the only way to get it back.
Tina

[Jessy]

I think she is trying to ignore the issue and if you just don't bring it up, she wins - if she was once accepting of it maybe the idea of leading her to this site would be a great idea - best of luck - your sis Ellen

This may sound a bit harsh, but I have similar experiences. Mine weren't about the cd subject, but about other relationship stuff, but I ended up waiting for 2 months. Even worse, when I brought up the subject myself, she walked away because I was impatient. In my case, she was indeed ignorant and had made a decision long time ago already.

Still, since this is after all about a part of yourself, you should bring it up. The way I see it, there's 2 possibilities.

1. She has really been thinking about it, and doesn't know what to think or who to turn to about it.
2. She's trying to forget it, and hopes you drop the subject too.

In the first case, I can only support the idea mentioned before, to ask her to join this forum for a bit, to read other people's experiences, talk to other cd's so, and maybe help her understand it better. Because I think in this scenario she'll need people to talk to, and to ask questions.

[ggtracy]

As a GG, I know that being quiet or not wanting to talk about a topic doesn't mean we are "ignoring it and hoping it goes away'. It often means something is bothering me but i don't know how to express it and am afraid of saying something wrong to hurt my SO's feelings. If she really was trying to be accepting, then her own change in feelings may be making her feel exteme guilt, like she has failed you in some way.

does she have anyone else she can talk to about the situation?

[AllieSF]

I am one of those that believe that frozen conversation, no conversation and don't ask - don't talk situations are to be avoided at all costs, especially over the long term. That is because both parties end up in a very uncomfortable limbo, maybe walking on tip toes to not upset the other, or even themselves. That being said, in your case, I think that timing is important. I would recommend waiting until after the cruise, assuming that it will take place in the near future, or at least until the end of the cruise, before bringing it up, if you can wait that long. A cruise is a time to enjoy, relax if you can and be close with your traveling companion. Good luck.

[Hope]

apathetic disgust(yes, I know that is a contradiction)

The opposite of love isn't hate, it is apathy.

Does it sound like she is just trying the "ignore it and it will go away" strategy?

Yeah. It does. And that is her right. You can't force her to talk about this with you. It is in her interest to be an adult and talk about this with you, but she does not have to do it, and you can't force her to do it. And if you DO try to force her, it is likely to end badly. You can, and SHOULD bring it up again, but if she is resistant, you should also back off.

At the same time, she can't stop you from dressing. That is your right.

Dress, she will talk. Or at least communicate.

[tinalynn]

I think you're going to have to bring it up. But I would wait until after the cruise - that's a vacation you planned as man and wife, not CD and wife. Enjoy your vacation, have a good time. When you get home, bring it up...

[Cathytg]

Directing her to this forum is a good suggestion. However, you need to be able to open a discussion first and I sense that this is the real core of the problem. I think you have two problems:

1.) You have left it with a situation where she has the next move. That's kinda of tough. Pick a time when you know a good time will be coming soon and ask her if she is ready to pursue some discussion at that future moment. Let her say yes or no and be at peace with her decision. She needs to know that this is very important to you just as your relationship is important to both of you.

2.) Your need to dress is becoming very huge. I am sure it is. I am also sure that, if you are like me, the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. All I can do is to counsel patience. Try to remember that tomorrow will come no matter how much are frustrated tonight. 50 years form now it won't matter. (big help, huh?)

[eileendover]

I think you're going to have to bring it up. But I would wait until after the cruise - that's a vacation you planned as man and wife, not CD and wife. Enjoy your vacation, have a good time. When you get home, bring it up...

Yep. If you bring it up during the cruise, and things go badly, you'll be stuck with each other in a very uncomfortable mood for the rest of the cruise. Not only will you not enjoy each other, you won't enjoy the cruise.

[sherri52]

Ignorance is bliss. She is hoping it will go away, it won't as you are finding out. Take your vacation, enjoy each others company and talk about it when you get home or on your way home. Do not give her ultimatums as that will only make it worse for the relationship. I wish you well in the talk. Good luck

[SuzanneBender]

Peri and I are sitting on the love seat in our bedroom chatting about your post.

First don't push the issue on the cruise. Cruise room walls are very thin and they normally sell out on rooms so if she tosses you out you are sleeping up on deck in a chaise lounge for a week. Thats not our idea of a vacation.

You need to have the conversation at a time after you have had time to relax with one another away from all of the travails of life. (Post cruise)

Don't press the issue. Ask her again to talk about it but if she is not comfortable then agree to wait some more. This does not mean that you can't express how you are feeling. Share it with her. Be as honest as you can and show her your feminine ability to be empathic. If you feel you need to dress do it away from her and let her know that you are going to do it prior. Honest forthright heartfelt communication has saved Peri and I so far.

Peri used to hold everything back. She was internalizing it. Now she is sharing, I'm sharing and we are feeling like newlyweds.

Peri just told me I write novels and she is right. So if you want to chat about it feel free to PM me or her. We are both here for you.

[jenifer m.]

just be patient with her this whole cd thing is very overwhelming to our wives as we are generally not the person they thought they married.im sure she has many thoughts,and feelings on how you are,but just wait till the right time to bring it up agen.let some time pass befor you do.meanwhile keep doin your thing when shes not around.i hope my advice helps cuz i had similer problems too and that worked for me.

[BRANDYJ]

Some good advice and thoughts on why she seems to be avoiding the issue. I for one do not believe she thinks if she says nothing, that it will just go away.
it seems you have not pushed it and have been patient. But someone needs to open the conversation up and it looks like you are it. However, I would suggest avoiding how it, or what it is to you and try to focus on her feelings and thoughts about it. Perhaps allow her to set up boundaries. The point being, show how much you care for her feelings and put yours aside for a moment. With patience, love and understanding of her feelings, she may open up and try to explain her worries, fears and why she id concerned or turned off by it. But you have to give her a chance to express those feelings without expressing your wants and needs about it at this time. Go slow and compassionately towards her.

[Freddy12]

This thread started over a month ago. Are there any recent developments? Have you two talked? Have you gone on your cruise? Did yo act on any of the many suggestions? I'd like to add my 2 cents, but it would be good to know if anything has happened since your last post.

[VictoriaP]

Sorry for the lack of news but there is none. Nothing has changed. We went on our cruise and I came down with strep throat after the 3rd day, it was not as much fun as we hoped!
I will let everyone know when anything happens.

[Freddy12]

Victoria,

Sorry that you came down with strep. That's no fun, particularly when you're on vacation.

I think you need to bring the topic up in a very off-hand way. Not a "We need to have a deep discussion", but more of a "Oh, by the way we never did talk about my hobby - whenever you want I'm ready" This should be interjected when the comment can be ignored. You don't want to make a big thing of it. Maybe when you are both thinking of groceries that need to be purchased.

Don't let this go on forever. You are in a state of limbo, and that is not fair to you. She needs to let you know if she can go back to being supportive. If she doesn't follow up on your comment, you'll need to eventually be more direct, but NOT YET.

[Angie G]

I think you need to ironout this little problem soon or it will become a major problem.And you won't be happy till it is. I wish you all the luck in coming out on the good side of this Vicky. Nothing is gaineby by silence.Just don't push real hard.
Angie

[Amanda Stubbs]

Oh! Victoria!
I'm so sorry this is still not settled for you and really feel for you. I thought it may come to a head during the cruise, or at least upon return.

Personally I think the best advice here was from GGTracy, pre- cruise, where she suggests your wife may not know how to find the right words, I have noticed this before in GGs where, for no reason, it all comes exploding out all over the place possibly when you are bickering over something trivial and unrelated. Even then it may not be as she meant it. It's just where the pressure has built up, so please don't corner her.

GGTracy also wisely asks; "Does she have anyone else she can talk to about the situation?". She probably has spoken to her close friends who also can't relate to the sitution, so I would say guide her to the help and advice she could find on these pages.

I would approach her with something like; (Her name) We have to talk you know, not right now but soon, today even. Let's get ourselves ready,go out and see if we can find a solution, because I can't go on like this and I can see the stress in you, we have to talk.

I think one way or another you'll find out, you may have to make a choice in the end. That could be even harder I'm sorry to say.

[DonniDarkness]

Communicate!!!

[Naomi Rayne]

I would say that she is probably trying not to think about it because when she does she is so overwhelmed with thoughts that she cant seem to set them straight.

I also think you should bring it up to her again but ask her if she is ready to talk, do not just start blurting stuff out about what you want.

Take things really SLOW!.
Ask her to come to this website or ask her to read a book there are tons of them out there a great one is called My Husband Betty, but a warning on that its a more well rounded book and touches on alota aspects which she may be uncomfortable with.

So all in all bring it up, but let her do the discussing. Tell her your open to any and all questions and that you encourage her to ask and that you will try to explain everything she asks in the best way possible.

When i came out to my SO she freaked out. Not necessarily in a bad way but she did not know how to even go about understanding and that was the toughest thing for her. So we just took things really slow. Discussing first and then putting everything into steps at her pace to kind of adjust her into my world.