Lies, a second coming out, and the hope for forgiveness

[SuzanneBender]

The disclaimer: I lied in many of my posts. If you have followed my posts I often wrote about being out to my loved ones. It is not an excuse for lying in my posts, but having my loved ones love me despite who I am was one of the deepest desires in my heart. I lived out that fantasy in my posts. Much of what I wrote was true. I do go out often, I flew, I have met other ladies from this site, but I did it in total secrecy away from those that I love. To all of you I sincerely apologize for having deceived you.

Why am I “coming out” to you? It would be so easy to hide away in the anonymity of the internet. Few would ever know this difference, but I would and those that I care about would. I am doing this for several reasons.

First, intimacy is impossible without truth. I have been disassociated from most everyone in my life because of the fear that I am not good enough. My wife has been able to save me from this fate. Thanks to the events of the past month and her honesty I realize that I am lovable despite the truth.

Second, I want to share with you the challenges and triumphs that my wife and I experience. Ours is a cautionary tale. I am not sure how it will end, but I know that there are lessons to be learned from it and the only way to share those lessons with you is through the sometimes bittersweet words of the truth.

Third, I want you to get to know the beautiful woman that has agreed to accompany me on this journey. She is my wife and learned of Suzanne after 15 years of Marriage and knowing me almost 17 years on February 16th. Her Nome de Plume is Peri Bender. She has joined the site. She came here to find out more about the woman named Suzanne that recently entered her life. She has read most of my posts which spawned wonderfully forthright, painful and freeing conversations between her and I concerning living life as a lie or living life and embracing the truth. Peri is here for support and to give support. She is joining FAB and I invite all of you to reach out to her and help her realize how special each and every one of you are.

Lastly and most importantly, it is the right thing to do.

With any confession comes penance and my penance is the possibility of loosing some of you as friends or at least losing your trust. It is a risk that must be taken and a price that must be paid in order for me to move forward as a person. My faith leads me to believe that with penance comes the possibly of forgiveness of past sins. I hope you can find forgiveness in your hearts for this transgression and I swear nothing but honesty to my family and sisters from this point forward.

With all my heart.

Suzanne

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Susanne. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your wanting to come clean with this community. I will not be one to judge you for what you did. You made it clear as to why. The important thing is you now know it is best to be honest. Just as important as it is for you to be open with your wife. I wish you and her many more years of happiness together and without having to hide parts of you that she never knew. She now knows the depth of you. I hope it draws you both closer.
You have my respect for what you just confessed.

[Bobbie Bee]

Forget about the lies to us; they are nothing compared to the relationship with your wife. I hope you two can put this issue aside and mend your relationship. I, for one, am here for you as you are for me. Good luck Suzanne.

[Margot]

Freedom!!! Don't you feel better now?
I'm sure you're not the only person to embelish the truth. I can see no reason why any of your sisters would not forgive you as I do.
Enjoy your freedom and I hope Peri gets a lot out of this site.

Margot

[Mirani]

Hugs and best wishes to you both x

[Jessy]

I only recently joined here, so can't say I have read your past stories yet. Still I'd like to say that I respect your choice a lot. Dishonesty is one of the things that I hate most in life, but I do believe in forgiveness when people decide to come out. And confessing afterwards often takes a lot more courage.

[Rachel Morley]

Don't worry. If there's one thing we all understand it's about feeling guilty.

I think your coming out to your wife is very important. Good luck to the both of you and through all of this remember why you love each other and what is truly important in each of your lives. In other words, focus on the other person first, and try to make each other happy.

[StaceyJane]

Suzanne, I understand and I forgive you. I know how hard this must be for you and your wife.

My wife found out about me by accident and made some false but understandable assuptions which really hurt my marriage.

I decide to be completely open about what I'm doing. I told her everything I had done including embarrasing things such as taking estrogen on my own.
Now I keep her informed about seeing my therapist en femme and my late night trips to Walmart.

For me the time for lies ended, I'm still waiting for her to come to the same conclusion about herself.

[CharleneT]

I think you made the right decision ( in telling your wife ). As for gilding the lily to us, don't worry but do remember we give better advice to real circumstances. As others have said well, it is the family that matters, we are all just online friends.

I read this note as an apology and it is happily accepted

[Misty is Kindafem]

Suzanne,

Thank you for your honesty. It wasn't really necessary but it allows me to make a salient point about online communities.

They are always constructs.

Communities like this one are especially vulnerable to fictional narratives because most of us are so isolated in our everyday lives. Some of these poor girls are so deeply closeted that this community is all they have, and the only place to get advice and valuable cues towards their next step however small.

I've mentioned a few times that I don't take this place too seriously and cautioned others to be wary of all posts including mine. Your confession, essentially proves me right.
In most forums, I doubt anyone would care that you bent the truth a bit, but around here I think it matters a little bit more.

Think about some of the outrageous and clearly ridiculous things that people have posted (including me) that were actually taken seriously by way too many people. I'm fairly certain that you yourself have shaken your head in disbelief at some of the things that have stirred people up in recent months.

This is a heavily moderated support forum with a mostly terrified and thus vulnerable population. I believe that we should all make an effort to be honest in our actual accounts of our struggle. I enjoy goofing around just as much as the next girl but whatever I've said about my actual life is true. There may be a sister looking to you for inspiration and your stories may well have empowered her to do something you didn't have the courage to do yourself. What if she would have PM'd you asking for advice after one of her "talks" didn't go so well. What advice could you possibly give her? She's looking to you as someone who's been down that road and is desperately hoping for some wisdom. What would you say?

Excuse me while I climb down off of my rather tall soap box and thank you again for your honesty. I would hope that others would now think about what they're posting and confine the fiction to the appropriate forum.

-Misty

[Sarah_GG]

Hi Suzanne... I can almost feel how painful that must've been for you. But, well done for coming clean. I look forward to getting to know Peri when she makes it into FAB.

[Barbara Dugan]

I hate myself when I have to lie I bet you feel the same. I am glad you have come clean

[minalost]

We all love you and hope for the best with you and your wife. I saw one of her posts, BTW, and was wondering if it was your wife.

[dorylinn]

I lived out that fantasy in my posts.

Suzanne

Well if You can't do that here... Where can you?

Truth is better than fiction. Your posts offered encouragement to us. I'm a new member but have read many posts here. I acquired enough support to come out to my wife about a year ago. things are o.k. and getting better.

Thanks All of You for letting me know I am not alone.

[PetiteTonya]

The only one who should be forgiving and forgiven here is you....and no one else

[Miranda09]

Suzanne...we're all human and do things we feel is right at the time. We all have secrets we keep, mostly for our own protection, but it's not a lie to keep the truth to oneself (a Vulcan altruism!!). As long as no one gets hurt, no harm done, and I for one, value your friendship. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person...you're a very lucky....girl! Hang on to her.

[TxKimberly]

Susanne,

Don't be silly - you wont loose a single friend here over that. As Rachel pointed out, most of us are more than familiar with the concepts of hiding parts of ourselves, putting up facades, and feeling guilty. You have no worries there.

My heart felt congrats on sharing with your wife! Life is so much easier with out the secrets and the guilt.

[April Renee]

Suzanne, there isn't need to worry about losing friends here over a few embellishments in your posts. Stories about going out and living our lives how we want to look, act and be perceived have to be taken for what they are and how they are written. From what I know of your posts you tell us about the life of Suzanne and embracing the inner you..lies? Nah...I'd say expanding the facts and maybe giving other members courage to put their toes in the water, I for one have gained some of that from reading your posts and how OK it really is no matter how much or when we dress. Its knowing we are here to support each other and once in a while even laugh at each other. It is the # 1 community for......
.
Hugs to you both
.
April

[Ruth]

Misty has said just about everything I was going to say. There is a problem with internet forums, that is people may be economical with the truth.
There are a few people posting here whose postings I trust, for various reasons. Others, who I don't know, I read with an open mind.
I have only ever posted the truth here about my thoughts and activities, but most of the community has no way of testing this.
And the same goes for the OP in this thread, with the difference that the OP has admitted to lying.
So we really don't know any more than we did.

[SuzanneBender]

Ladies thanks for all of your forgiveness and well wishes towards Peri and I it means so much to us.

Your wife sounds like a wonderful person...you're a very lucky....girl! Hang on to her.

I plan on it. The past month has proven to me that I am the luckiest person alive to have her as my wife.

I hate myself when I have to lie I bet you feel the same. I am glad you have come clean

The sun shines just a little bit brighter when there are not lies clouding the skies!

Hi Suzanne... I can almost feel how painful that must've been for you. But, well done for coming clean. I look forward to getting to know Peri when she makes it into FAB.

Peri is anxiously awaiting the verification phone call. She can't wait to be in FAB. It was painful, but the post for the second coming out only took me three days to write. My first coming out letter took me years to compose.

It wasn't really necessary but it allows me to make a salient point about online communities...

This is a heavily moderated support forum with a mostly terrified and thus vulnerable population. I believe that we should all make an effort to be honest in our actual accounts of our struggle. I enjoy goofing around just as much as the next girl but whatever I've said about my actual life is true. There may be a sister looking to you for inspiration and your stories may well have empowered her to do something you didn't have the courage to do yourself. What if she would have PM'd you asking for advice after one of her "talks" didn't go so well. What advice could you possibly give her? She's looking to you as someone who's been down that road and is desperately hoping for some wisdom. What would you say?

Misty it was neccessary. You summed up the one of the reasons for my second coming out so perfectly. Hence the first lesson for others to learn from our journey. We have sisters, ourselves included, that rely on this site for support and friendship and that demands honesty. .

Remember we give better advice to real circumstances. As others have said well, it is the family that matters, we are all just online friends.

Some of the women on this site may be "online friends", but I count them among my true friends none the less. Charlene you are one of them.

I decide to be completely open about what I'm doing. I told her everything I had done including embarrasing things such as taking estrogen on my own.

Stacey marriage requires honesty to grow. I will say a prayer for you and your wife. Hang in there gal. I am sure she will come around one day.

Don't worry. If there's one thing we all understand it's about feeling guilty.

I think your coming out to your wife is very important. Good luck to the both of you and through all of this remember why you love each other and what is truly important in each of your lives. In other words, focus on the other person first, and try to make each other happy.

Rachel thanks for the kind words of encouragement. You are right about the guilt, but I was so tired of carrying it. Now is simply regret for lost opportunities because I didn't embrace the truth and I feel so much better.

[Misty is Kindafem]

We have sisters, ourselves included, that rely on this site for support and friendship and that demands honesty.

[jennifer easton]

Whoa, I'm impressed, how liberating to know some one with such honesty and morels, there are very few people in the world, which is to bad, the world would be blessed if more had a concise and respect for the truth

[Faith_G]

Suzanne, I can't condemn you for lying. How could I, I have lived a lie for 30-odd years and I still am lying in parts of my life (not out at work and with some family and friends).

We as t-folk learn very young to keep the truth hidden away from everyone else, and make up good stories (lies, actually) about ourselves to try to seem just like everyone around us. It's a hard behavior pattern to break, I congratulate you for your honesty with your wife and with us.

[SherriePall]

Suzanne -- you know I forgive you. Most of us here have found the truth to be painful (either mentally or physically) as it concerns our dressing, either in the past or the present. So, I understand what you are going through.
Please, don't feel as though you must now shy away from this forum. I, personally, would rather have you here where we can share your pain, your happiness, your problems, and your accomplishments. And where we can share our love with you.
Take care, both you and Peri.

[jasmine57]

Suzanne- You seem to be a wonderful person who was living out a fantasy. I'm truly glad you told us the truth. Some of your posts have been very inspiring to me personally. I feel like I'm kind of in the same state of mind you are with who I am. I came out to my sister and brother-in-law last week and the acceptance is exactly what I dreamed it would be. I'm glad that your wife is coming to terms with your situation aand hers. Being sisters and friends isn't going end because you or anyone else was confused about where you are. Thanks for clearing the air and I will continue to read your post with all the admiration I did before. Good luck on your journey.