This is what I was called

[Staci G]

Last night My wife and I were talking about crossdressing (again) anyway she said I probably dress up when shes gone away, I did neither deny nor confirm I just said hmmm good idea. She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not. and turned over went to sleep. How do ya'll think I should have handled that?

[Andy66]

Sounds like you handled it as well as anyone could under the circumstances.

It's hard to tell from here - was she being mean, or just picking on you the way some couples do to each other? Gee, I wonder how she would feel if someone called her something like that?

[MJ]

i would book myself in to a waxing salon and get waxed from the neck down that' i'll teach her...

[Mackenzie]

As one very wise man said, "A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." So, it is good to either answer in a gentle way or maybe don't answer at all when you are upset or hurt. Otherwise, your answer might be harsh and just add gas to the fire.

Mackenzie

[RADER]

I think you did OK. More talking after that remark would only end up in
a fight, and nobody winns. Try again next time when she is a better
mood. Rader

[Sandra]

Hmmm how did she say it? was it said in nasty way or as Anne has said picking like some couples do.

I know both Nigella and I say stuff but with us it is in a joking way, but if something is said that is perhaps a bit to much then we say so.

I think you did right is just turning over and going to sleep. But if it had been me then I would have said something in the morning to her about feelings being hurt.

[Staci G]

we had been talking about Drag Race on Tv because I enjoy watching it and she kinda does too. When it had finished she said I was too much into it and it makes her sick. I said well I find it interesting to see who wins as I have my favorites. She then said it's sick in a very mean way and then she said if I were to do that I would look like what she said. And I would be divorced because she would be humiliated and shamed befor the world.. Oh and MJ thats a great idea about the waxing, other than all that pain.

[minalost]

Yah, that would hurt a lot. I would have done the same thing, roll over and try to go to sleep.

[Sandra]

she would be humiliated and shamed befor the world..

She should come here a talk to all the wives/partners who aren't humiliated or shamed, maybe then some of us could educate her a but more.

[Sheila]

how long has she known and how did she find out about you being TG, sometimes how we discover affects our picture in the beginning and it can be difficult to alter that

[ReineD]

She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not. and turned over went to sleep. How do ya'll think I should have handled that?

I would have told her that her comments were hurtful. Then I would have explained why.

[Lynneth Lee]

[SIZE=2]I think you did the best thing you could have done. But I agree that maybe you should have mentioned in the morning that you were hurt. The best advice usually is, "Never let the sun go down on an argument.", but not in this case. If you really want to un-nerve her, next time say, You're right! No one can argue that point. (Comes from the Dale Carnegie book How To Win Friends And Influence People.) I use it and it WORKS!![/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]NANETTE FAYE [/SIZE]

[sherri52]

Under the circumstances you did well to ignore her and go to sleep. While she's away you go right ahead and dress and feel good about yourself

[Nadia-Maria]

Possibly, a relevant answer would have been to laugh loudly: LOL ! and to congratulate her for her humour.
And manage to answer with still more humour.

When my wife told me I was not a pretty lady, and never would be, adding very disagreeable comments about my outfits, I used to laugh as if she were speaking not seriously , nevertheless I agreed loudly with her and told her that I tried not compete with her, since she was a beauty queen. I told her that I just tried to look better than the ugliest women and that I probably succeeded in that.

Bottom line : After a few years, my wife is now able to make some kind compliments about my femme outfits.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

How you look matters alot more to her...we all have our limitations and dressing is about how you feel about yourself...

so try to remember that....i know very happy dressers that bear no resemblance to women outside of the clothes...

that being said, your wife is expressing some combination of anger, fear or shame...

i'm not sure about how much she knows, but one thing i do know is that letting your wife stew on the inside is the worst long term marraige strategy i can think of..

[Di]

She should come here a talk to all the wives/partners who aren't humiliated or shamed, maybe then some of us could educate her a but more.

I agree we can help her understand.

Or does she not really know......but suspects....then she could be lashing out from being kept in the dark and from not understanding...using her comments to keep you in line.

[Wen4cd]

Sticks and stones will break my bones
But names will never hurt me
Unless I love you and care deeply what you think of me
In which case I would prefer you expressed your frustration
By breaking my bones, because it's far less painful.
If you don't mind.

[eileendover]

She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not.

I think you handled it just fine for the moment. But if you wanted to pursue this to let her know how this hurt you, maybe you could ask her "do you think I'm a big fat hairy overgrown oaf of a man, or were you just saying those mean things because of my crossdressing?"

It's never helpful when an argument starts to pull in all sorts of unrelated "offenses" that don't focus on the real issue.
My

[2b.Lauren]

In the moment when the two of you were prepared and ready for bed, yes you did the right thing. Any other answer would have led to a fight. I had to learn things like that the hard way. Cause a statement similar to that of any kind not even related to dressing would have evoked the living demon in me and the B within would have came out. Now is the time to bring it up again. To say look we need to take a moment to talk about that comment/conversation we had in bed the other night. When is a good time for us to sit down and talk? Then proceed to talk about how that hurt and bothered you. Staying calm and rational. She was not trying to be nice here at all. So it needs to be discussed and aired out. Let her know how bad that hurt and how you feel. If you don't soon it is going to be the big pink elephant in the room.

[gigiluv]

Staci,

I wish I could add something here. Something that would help you and ease you, but I cant. All I can say, and I think I am speaking for most of those who posted here is: I am sorry you are hurt, and all of us are hurt a little with your episode. I feel with you, but I can't fix. I can only share, and that I do willingly. I am so sorry.

You handled it the only way you could.

[Shananigans]

You're much nicer than I am. I would have told her to stop talking about herself.

[Karen564]

[SIZE=2]I think you handled very well, but now it's time to do something about it !!!!!.....Like get rid of the hair & go on a diet....That'll show her.....[/SIZE]

[SusanLCD]

I applaud you for handling that so well. Almost any other response would have turned into something unpleasant and much better handled in the light of day than at bedtime. But, I can understand that you probably felt pretty badly hurt while you tried to go to sleep. It hurts all of us to know that.

Although you've posted many times, I don't recall whether your SO has accepted or even knows of Staci. Judging only by the way you've related the story, I must conclude that she is not accepting of it and it is bothering her. A personal attack of that type would imply that she's got something to say but hasn't said it. So, as most others here have said, you will need to get that out into the open, or it will become worse. When doing so, try to discuss the problem she is having with the situation and not on how badly you feel she treated you. If you can focus on the issue and not on the people involved (your SO and you), you stand a better chance of preventing it from escalating.

One other idea. Try not to retaliate. If she's feeling irritated by your CDing, it may stir that up even more if you react by doing something to "show her how wrong she is." Just continue to conduct yourself as you would have had this not come up. When you discuss it, be respectful of her feelings and request that she be the same toward you.

Good luck. You've done well, so far.

[AllieSF]

I agree with ReineD. Maybe you do not have to tell her that at that moment, but don't let it go too long before bringing it up to her. I think that not informing the other partner that those comments hurt is just the way that someone will end up in that dreaded mode of not communicating any more with the other. I also think that it also sometimes contributes significantly to the don't ask, don't tell syndrome that so many couples suffer here. You may already have good communications with your wife, but in general communications is the only way to resolve issues before they become problems and to determine where you both are going as a couple. Sweeping it under the rug gives too much control to the other party that will lead to more serious issues down the road.

[crossX]

Last night My wife and I were talking about crossdressing (again) anyway she said I probably dress up when shes gone away, I did neither deny nor discount designer shoes confirm I just said hmmm good idea. She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not. and turned over went to sleep. How do ya'll think I should have handled that?

I think that you handled it pretty well. She should have not made that insult to you especially knowing that you enjoy the things you do. Of course you could have handled it in a way which made her feel bad for saying that but you handled it the same way I would have!