So I am not full time yet and am really frustraited. I do have a plan in place and my therapist is giving me my letter but my first appointment with my hospitals tans-care expert in Internal Medicine is June 29th. So far away.
In the meantime I have talked with HR and my managers. It is weird being a contractor at a company I worked for full time for 3 years. I have to deal with people I know very good (those on site) and people who I have only met via email and a phone call (my contract agency). Everyone who needs to know knows right now and I could go full time right now but I am finishing my hair removal and name change and everything else.
I plan to leave work and go to school full time and that is when I will go full time as a woman as well. This leads me to my frustration and I think occasional self doubt.
Im living the double life thing right now and more often then not I am driving to/from work or at work and I am presenting myself as male durring this time. That time however is about 80% of my life right now.
I have absolutely no time to live as a female I only get to get out at night after I get home and often I get dressed real quick so I can run down the street 5 minutes away to go to the store and get some food and beer and then come home and go to bed. Weekends I dream about but; OHH, I have a sudden project deadline and I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. Weekend gone again and it is such perfect weather for a skirt I should get up early but I just hit 53 hours at work with another 8 to go. I am sleeping in.
I go to a speach therapist and leave work in the middle of the day and rush home get changed rush to therapy rush home, stoping by the market (yeah!!!! Im outside as a female in the sun, oh the sun feels sooooo good on my skin) get changed rush back to work to work late to make up the 5 hours it took me to do all that.
I listen to people at work call me Mr. ###### and I want to crawl out of my skin.
So this got me a little more flustered than I thought it would. My statement/question is am I just a crossdresser? Am i really ready to get my name changed next week? Get hormones? Go full time? Live as a female 24/7/365?
I want to but what have I really done to get there but tell people I am trans and go to support groups and go out when I have a chance, and have a therapist and checking the boxes for transition. Yep, Laser, Yep Clothing ( I dont even have time to go shopping for shoes that fit), Yep voice work, Yep therapist, Yep Hormone/doctors appointmen!!! Am I real?