Socializing with gay people

[Alexei]

I recently joined my campus's GLBT organization, because I wanted to connect with other Trans people. Unfortunately, and statistically not surprising, the group is almost entirely gay. It is even called the Gay Alliance. This means that if I want to visit the GLBT center, then I am surrounded by gay men. Their conversations are mainly the same as any other group of college students, but they occasionally hit some topics that are a little uncomfortable for me.

My question to the forum is, how do you feel about being the only non-gay person in a group? Obviously this question only applies to people that are not gay themselves, though I would be interested in the opinions of anyone that is alone in an otherwise uniform group; gay, bi, GG, whatever.

As for my own views, I see gay people the same way I see any group with a motivation I don't share: To each his own, do what you want. I just feel a little out of place when the people I'm with start comparing flavors of the small round things in wrappers left there by an AIDS awareness group (guess). I'm already feeling different as a crossdresser, I really don't need to add another layer of difference.



side note: I don't mean to insult anyone, I apologize if this is taken the wrong way. The post feels clear enough to me.

[Barbara Jo]

I'm already feeling different as a crossdresser, I really don't need to add another layer of difference.

Even though I have absolutly nothing against gays, I have to agree with that statement and if you feel that way, I would not make associating with gays a regular thing just for your own well being.

Also, I have found though the years that even though gays will tolorate CDs, most gays really do not understand us anyway.

[Jessy]

I think I mentioned it before, I have a bit of the same problem in my own area. Although the LGBT communities seem certainly more accepting to me, and they are nice people, I just don't feel like I belong there because 99% is homosexual, and I am heterosexual myself. Homosexuality is definitely a different topic than CD, so I don't really feel like they are the people for me to talk about this subject.

[karen68]

Hi Alexei. I think I would have to leave the group, not that I have a problem with gays, but it would really be a one sided group and probably have nothing in common with us girls that only like to dress and be fem, and as most gays aren't really interested in girls, there wouldn't really be anything for me. I would want to be with other girls that have the same things in common with me. Thats just my

[GypsyKaren]

If everyone treated them like "people" instead of "gay people", there wouldn't be any problems.

Karen

[kellycan27]

Perhaps you should try to find a group that you are more tolerant of.

[sterling12]

Well, I don't think you want to leave The Group. I think it can be very lonely on Campus without some folks to talk with. No Social Life can really Suck!

Simplest Answer? Just accept what they have to say, and then move on to some other subject. You'll know The Appropriate time. Nobody says you have to be gay, nobody says you have to participate in a conversation that makes you uncomfortable.

You do understand that they probably believe you are also Gay. There's just as much ignorance about us in The Gay Community, as one would experience in The Straight World.

To avoid being ostracized, I wouldn't be making a large deal out of your heterosexuality! And, you can probably make a case for your NOT being heterosexual. If you feel that there is a "Woman Within," and you like Girls/Women? Hey, congratulations! That would probably make you a lesbian. See, you do have people you can hang out with. You just have to get with The Right Ones. By the way, don't be trying for GF's of Transmen....that could cause you some trouble!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[MiraM]

If everyone treated them like "people" instead of "gay people", there wouldn't be any problems.

Karen

Well said. I know I don't refer to the people I work with and am around all day as the "Straight People" or the "Breeders". They are people, plain and simple...my friends and my co-workers.

And there is plenty to talk about other than the fact I am Gay and Cross-dress and they aren't/don't. We talk about work, current trends in the Culinary world, the state of the country, computers, the list goes on. The only thing I don't talk to them about is sports, as I do not watch sports. There is plenty to talk about with people that are different than you, if you only try.

[Lorileah]

Those little round things with flavors are used by straight people also (they should be used by straight people in college more than most other groups). So basically you are looking for a group college age who doesn't discuss any sexual practices, is there a cloister somewhere?

OK so now to answer the question at hand. I socialize with gays the same way I socialize with anyone. They treat me like a friend and rarely make any advances. Sort of like going out with your class mates.

Unfortunately there aren't usually enough CD's who are out to make your own club. The L&G community has at the very least accepted us into their fold so we can have at least a small voice and some social interaction. The male gays understand that 1) the majority of CD's aren't gay and 2) they are not looking for "girls" in any form so you are treated like someone they will be friends with. This was shown when they felt comfortable enough to discuss sexual things around you. Quit looking at them as if they are something different and start looking at them as people who you can hang with and have fun. It is college for heaven's sake, you are supposed to make friends and have good times.

[Alexei]

I'm afraid I was misinterpreted here. I have no problem with gay people, I just can't personally relate to them.

If everyone treated them like "people" instead of "gay people", there wouldn't be any problems.

In general, that is a good way of thinking, but in this scenario the label is entirely accurate. I noticed a few people at the meeting that were in my classes, and I had no idea they were gay. It doesn't change the way I see them; In my mind they are still "those people in my class" and not "those gays in my class". But the fact remains that "those people in my class" are gay and if we they are taken out of context of class and in context of the GLBT organization, then they are "those gay people"

There is plenty to talk about with people that are different than you, if you only try.

That's true. I'm generally pretty quiet but I contributed to conversation when I could. Needless to say there were some topics I had nothing to add.



Edit: Lorlieah, they may be used by straight people also, but I can't tell from personal experience what they taste like.

Also Edit: Rereading my post, I notice my habit of arguing is coming out again. Sorry about that.

[Ericka2]

Not sure if this will help but I had two different encuonters with gay guys and they weren't pleasant ones, they kind of made remarks like I wasn't a real girl and that was uncall for, they seem to think that we are from another planet and respectfully I treat them the same.

Just my opinion.

Love ERicka

[5150 Girl]

Like any new situation, there will be an adjustment period. Soon you will think nothing of it.
But as for beeing in a minority, as a CD in any mainstream place, aren't you already a minority?

[AllieSF]

Alexei,

I understood where you were coming from in your first post. I don't see anything wrong with what you have written. One thing that I specifically like about your post is that a while back I recommended to a new member here, who is an international student at a US university and was looking for friends, to look up specifically the university's LGBT group, if one existed, as a means to meet someone and be able to be out completely to someone her age.

So, you have joined a group as a means to find someone who is into your life style and it turned out that they are not. However, on the upside you are accepted there and you can participate when you can in their conversations. You now at least have a safe zone social group with some people who may just turn out to be friends with whom you may be able to share some of your inner thoughts about where you are and where you might be going with this lifestyle. So, I wouldn't give up on them yet. That being said, if your specific needs are not being met within this group, then by all means move on and look elsewhere. I would recommend that you tell your group why you are moving on as a matter of respect for the group's members and the group's organizers. Your comments might assist them to be more pro-active to broaden the existing mix of the group.

Thanks for starting this interesting thread, which has been helpful to me.

[Stephenie S]

This post, IMHO, with it's discussion of "those people" is treading on shaky ground.

I know you all accept and are tolerant of homosexuals, but the really proper way to discuss this is just the way you would want others to talk about you (crossdressers), as just normal everyday PEOPLE.

Karen has said this already.

Stephenie

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="3"]Maybe a few slightly hidden agendas here? Alexei is ablsolutely correct in what she has ascertained. She went to a meeting and she was the only CD there. She really wanted to meet with other folks with similar interests. I don't know about Alexei, but I'd be talking about clothes, lingerie, heels, stockings, wigs and makeup. If none of those topics of conversation were being discussed and hopefully from a CD point of view, then I'd feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Same as I would feel at a meeting of quilters or coin collectors.

I go to gay clubs because I'm are accepted. Not necessarily with open arms, but I don't have to worry about being assaulted by over-compensating knuckle-dragging apes. I appreciate the welcome that I do get and I have great respect for the gay culture. Like CD'ers, they've had to accept some pretty scary stuff about themselves, they've faced it, and are no longer afraid. That's pretty amazing in my book. [/SIZE]

[Hope]

If everyone treated them like "people" instead of "gay people", there wouldn't be any problems.

No kidding.

"I went and hung out with some gay guys and they started talking about icky condoms, so I don't want to go back..." I am absolutely certain that they did not spend an hour talking about condom flavors ("those round things" are called condoms). They may have brought it up to see how squeamish you were, to see if you really were a part of the group, but more likely they were exchanging information relevant to their lives and having a good laugh at the same time. You are in college now, it's time to grow up and learn that not every conversation has to center around you and your interests. If you can't handle sitting with a group of gay men when they start discussing condom flavors - how can you expect to sit with a group of women when they start discussing vibrators, or much more often, menstruation?

How do I feel about being the only non-gay person in a group? It doesn't faze me at all, in fact I much prefer it. But then seeing as my wife and I both have masters degrees and we don't have children, we generally have more in common with gay people, and prefer to hang out with them than with the breeders. You have never experienced mind-numbing agony until you have sat through a conversation about a bloody "diaper genie" or about little Chads karate prowess, or had to reschedule a dinner because Bladen "made it to the finals!," or had to coo and ogle over poorly taken photos (or worse yet professionally taken photos) of someone's "gran-baby."

[GypsyKaren]

Since you feel uncomfortable in a group that's only gays and no CD'ers, then just don't go anymore, simple as that, problem solved.

Anyone who has any kind of problem with gays should just avoid them altogether, but don't you dare ever ask anyone else to accept you for who you are!

BTW, I'm a post-op woman who's married to another woman, and we're both proud to say that we're gay.

KS

[AmandaM]

Geez, she reaches out and is attacked. She didn't even say anything negative about gays. She was just trying to deal with it.

[karen68]

Geez, she reaches out and is attacked. She didn't even say anything negative about gays. She was just trying to deal with it.

I agree she only really wants to connect with other cd girls

[Tessa_Green]

Their conversations are mainly the same as any other group of college students, but they occasionally hit some topics that are a little uncomfortable for me.

I'm having trouble understanding the problem here. Uncomfortable topics do come up in conversation from time to time. If being gay makes this so, perhaps there are some underlying issues at hand...If its unbearable, then you've always the option to leave. To each their own.
I like to think that we all can learn quite a bit from "uncomfortable" situations. Give it a chance, you might learn something and better yet form some meaningful friendships

[Jilmac]

I have a very close friendship with several gay people, male and female. Two of the males are life partners and none of them use social networking groups. I have attended LGBT functions (Pridefest) with my gay friends (dressed of course) and have never felt the least bit uncomfortable touring the various booths and displays. I know there is a lot of AIDS awareness at any LGBT function, and discussions about the things you mentioned but I mostly listen and won't add to the conversation.

You didn't say whether you attend your campus group dressed or not. You also might want to try associating with some women in the group to get a different perspective. Do the others know you're straight? Perhaps there's an assumption on thier part, that you're gay too. Try attending several functions dressed and in a mixed crowd you might be received differently. Good luck.

[Misty is Kindafem]

Geez, she reaches out and is attacked. She didn't even say anything negative about gays. She was just trying to deal with it.

She's not being "attacked". She's just being confronted on the overall tone of what I would call a silly post. I'm not surprised by the typical mild revulsion towards gays on this board but I have to admit that I was a little surprised to see a college kid having phobic issues with his own peers.

It's no big deal though, hets don't understand gays. So what.

I just think it's kinda funny that the OP described the meeting like a Saturday Night Live skit. I could imagine the terrified straight kid trying to participate in awkward conversations about hot guys and (gasp!) flavored condoms. Then Will Ferell walks out in tight shorts and a half shirt holding a large tub of Crisco.

Face it ladies, we're not gonna find acceptance at the Home Depot so if you wanna find people you can relax and party with then you're just gonna have to get used to gay people.

I would also wager $100 that at least one of those gay dudes likes to play dress up every now and then.

...oh, but he knows how those flavored condoms taste, how could I ever relate to a guy like that!! GROSS

Gosh I hope nobody thinks I'm gay,

-Misty

[Fab Karen]

Those little round things with flavors are used by straight people also (they should be used by straight people in college more than most other groups). So basically you are looking for a group college age who doesn't discuss any sexual practices, is there a cloister somewhere?

OK so now to answer the question at hand. I socialize with gays the same way I socialize with anyone. They treat me like a friend and rarely make any advances. Sort of like going out with your class mates.

Unfortunately there aren't usually enough CD's who are out to make your own club. The L&G community has at the very least accepted us into their fold so we can have at least a small voice and some social interaction. The male gays understand that 1) the majority of CD's aren't gay and 2) they are not looking for "girls" in any form so you are treated like someone they will be friends with. This was shown when they felt comfortable enough to discuss sexual things around you. Quit looking at them as if they are something different and start looking at them as people who you can hang with and have fun. It is college for heaven's sake, you are supposed to make friends and have good times.

To expand on what Lori said, all gay people aren't alike, all black people aren't alike, all white people aren't alike, all TS's/CD's aren't alike.
Two of my closest friends are teachers; sometimes they "talk shop" which I don't have much if anything to add to, so I have to be patient & just mostly listen( I understand they're being supportive of each other), and other subjects can be brought up eventually.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Alexia...you are getting some flak because u asked a specific question..."how do you feel being the only nongay person in a group"...that was your question...that's what you said..
and you made comments about condoms with the inference being that discussions of the taste made you uncomfortable...which sounds a bit like you are disgusted by men talking about oral sex...

they are not the most horrible things to say, but its not a very tolerant way of saying it...

there is alot of homophobia on these boards...
and there are lots of gay, lesbian and bi people including me, and your post registered abit on my homophobia meter...

if you had said, how do you feel being the only non trans person in an LGBT support group(or any support group), I felt uncomfortable and didnt share anything in common, then you would not get some of the answers..

[MWCMDarlene]

Alexei, it seems to me that you might want to try going to your campus' Dean of Students, or even someone in the Psycology Department and see if there are any groups more to your liking than the LGBT on campus. If not, then maybe you could start your own support group for student/campus staff crossdressers. In that case, I would certainly use the Psychology Departments or student/campus avisors as a resource to weed out those who aren't serious about such a group. If you are a state funded school, I would assume that the campus heads would have to allow for such a group to have access to campus facilities.