We often say that we should set boundaries with our SO's and in order to make life easier, I agree. But I was wondering how often should you revisit those boundaries? Maybe not change them but maybe to expand (or contract) them as things change. I don't mean push the limits to see how far you can go before it snaps back but when some say that they started underdressing for instance and the SO accepts that when do you negotiate more?
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Lorileah:
My Sweetie and I are constantly re-visiting our boundries. As an for instance, my dressing became much more frequent after my children left home. Change of situation = more freedom. My going outside while dressed was curtailed however after I gave my oldest a couple of acres of property and they built a house next door.. Change of situation = Less freedom
I have learned over the years that successfull married folks who deal with situations as they arise ( this could be CDing ,loss of a job, or any major issue) with common sense and love are far more successful and happy in their life.
Dannielle
If there's a semi-formal understanding in place, then it seems to me that either party might re-open discussion at will, for example when one or the other starts to feel that the existing order isn't working for either party.
Lori, it had to be up to each individual couple
As you know I was in a relationship with a Cder prior to meeting Debs on here and because of how he was and what he did with CDing I had two boundaries that I needed in place when Debs dressed for me the first time in person (I had seen her dressed on webcam prior to that), one was, No lipstick kisses, and the other was No Debs in bed (she was happy with that because she did not think Debs was sexual), hers was she would not Tuck in the same room I was in.
My boundaries were changed by me, the lipstick kissing took place 2 minutes after she dressed the first time (she/is was still the same amazing person I was attracted to no matter the clothes), and at the end of the evening it was me who took her to bed, (she did ask was I sure, I was).
Her boundary of not tucking in the same room that I was in, & took her longer to throw out, but she did it when she was ready, and it was not discussed, so sometimes boundaries change without the need to re-visit, they change as each become comfortable, without the need to sit down and talk about them ............ but each of us moved our own boundaries in those instances
Sometimes as well it may not by the CDER needing to negotiate more, but rather the SO who had become comfortable with where they are and feels she is willing to expand her boundaries if her CDER is comfortable with that ........ we have had a few threads recently where the SO is confused about her partners reluctance to dress in front of her, so it is not always the dresser needing more which is good
Last edited by Sheila; 06-11-2010 at 04:01 PM.
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
...to put a time limit on it. You revisit boundries as needed. That could be never, and it could be once a week... I would say that if your SO is not really accepting that revisiting boundries should be approached rarely and with great caution; if the boundry "no dressing in bed" was set last weekend it's not a good idea to try to change it this weekend.
Mina Lost aka Lynda
[SIZE=2]Thanks Shelia, that's pretty much what I was going to say....And think when this happens, there's a very good chance the CDer will be all very willing to abide her wishes..AND have a happier & healthier relationship..[/SIZE]Originally Posted by Sheila
[SIZE=2]Sure, the CDer could be the one that 1st initiates the discussion on expanding the previous set boundaries, but that may also be pushing it, if the SO wasn't to keen or comfortable about it from day one...So maybe it's just best for the SO to make the 1st move..but if you feel trapped & not getting anywhere, then it's up to you to bring it up..but again, it may go well or not depending on how strong the relationship was from the start..[/SIZE]
Last edited by Karen564; 06-11-2010 at 05:18 PM.
[SIZE=3]Karen[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I really do have the...Right To Be Wrong.. [/SIZE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkSTG...eature=channel [SIZE=2]and my mistakes will make me strong![/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Just call out my name...and I'll come running...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SxTo...eature=related just lovin classic JT again...[/SIZE]
Its no doubt already been said in a far more eloquent fashion (I admit I haven't really read the thread as yet) but keep on revisiting them until they are just right.
That is such a good question. I let my wife set all the boundaries for two reasons. The first being I was the deceptive one, having kept the secret from her for many years. The second reason is that I knew she would do her research and not just put a blanket ban on my CDing. When the boundaries were set I had no reason to negotiate, as I consider them quite generous.
How often the boundaries are revisited is more an emotion based issue, rather than being time based, and really only needs to occur when one of the parties feels the need for a bit of 'boundary massaging'.
You've got me thinking of time now. In some cases it might be a positive step for CDers and SO's to have set 'chats' about things every now and then. That would encourage both parties to think (and talk) about things and maybe re-evaluate the boundaries.
Tash
I think most people naturally push boundaries without really thinking about it as they assume that a small amount will not be noticed or you can just get away with it , how many people drive at 30mph or under in a 30mph speed limit , you assume (wrongly) that you can do 32 and get away with it , on a lunch brake how many come back 2 mins late and think it is OK .
It is a combination of "hey i can get away with this " and "well it is expected", but you will always get the ones who have a complete disregard for any boundaries and do what they like , 60 in a 30 mph speed limit or two hours for lunch in stead of one, so i guess TGing will not be a lot different as some will slightly blur the boundaries and a few just will not care .
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
I think negotiations have to be an ongoing process. I don't think you ever quit having dicussions about boundaries.
Michelle
I usually try to discuss any new activity I'd like to try or any change in how my crossdressing effects our life. Sometimes she will bring things up, but most of the time I do it. Like Tasha said, I was the one who was being less than honest in the past, so the burden should be on me to try and recognize when my decisions need to be reviewed. The key is to not be offended when my wife brings something to the table that I thought was already okay. It usually means that either I've forgotten or it's never been discussed.
Sarah
Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
This is actually one of the biggest reasons why, despite being, for all intents and purposes, desperate to date any one, I have actively avoided dating any one.
Some people think I push the boundaries and limits on accident all the time. That's not true. I do it on purpose. It's not a habit. I dunno why I'm a total jerk, but I just do it.
Which translates, several thoughts later, into my not wanting to date any one, because I'm scared of pushing the limits on lots of things (CD'ing in this case because this is a... CD'ing... forum... site... SoYeah), and then completely ruining the relationship. I'm already beyond paranoid about a girl or guy cheating on me, or leaving me, and I just know for a fact that being a jerk only makes it easier for those things to happen.
Which, BEYOND CRAZILY ENOUGH, has led me to go all the way into the extreme other end of the scale. (Having a hard time keeping up or keeping score yet?) I go all the way to the other end, and literally will, say hypothetically, for example, admit my crossdressing to the girl I'm dating at the time, and she lays down a rule of only on Saturdays. You could see me date this fictional girl for 5 years or even more, and I'd only CD on Saturday MORNINGS. I wouldn't even push the limit of 24 hours, much less trying any other day or situation. In other words, I allow myself to become extremely submissive and forced into whatever scenario the other person wishes.
I actually had one girl say to me that she got beyond annoyed with how willing I am to accept limits and I quote, "I want to be your girlfriend, not your boss." The relationship crashed and burned very shortly after that. And I hadn't even told her about CD'ing or my other deep secrets.
If you're lying, or you have a secret, I'll know it.
My wife and I have a written agreement that we have had about 4 years now. When we worked it out I asked for more dressing time than I thought I would need. We haven't ever reviewed it, Partly I think it is because I always have dressed less than the agreement says I can and I NEVER push the boundries of the agreement. In fact my wife has suggested a couple times that I could dress when it violates the agreement but I haven't.
Diana
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