outed after 30years ,what next

[pernille d]

it wasnt long ago before i posed some threads abou comming out or does my wife andi remember comenting about after 30 years i had a good system of hideing clothing and my dressing , well as we all do in life there comes a time when we slip up .

after all the shock and ususal questions for the last week , i now know what its like to have the weight lifted from my sholders ,my wife hated the lieing and hideing the problem is
i never lied i told the truth but at the time it was not the place to tell the whole story , so my wife does not know the extent of my dressing only that i wear the g-string she found . i want to tell her everything , but i really cant for 3 weeks or so ( another long story) , she is not mad about my dressing in a g-string and i can feel that our relationship that was suffering before i was outed has suddenly turned 180 degres around .and she jokes and teases me in a nice way about my g-string so therfore i think is relaxed about it

MY QUESTION
Is it generally the women that cant except there men dressing that react strongly from day one , or does it come after they have had a few weeks to think about it .and i know i should have told the whole story , but i didnt and it worries me that i will not tell her the truth as things seem ok now and maybe the hole story will be too much for her to take . is there anyone that has comments or had a similar experience ??? that can give me some advice

[Kimmy55]

If its anything like my wife,her feelings about your dressing will change daily.Sometimes she is fine with it then the next day you come home and all your stuff is gone.

[Angelofsomekind]

I'd say you never know. It depends on the person. My wife had issues with it for a while, but after she saw me dress it was no big deal. Now she expects me to be in something fem all the time. We actually got into a bit of an argument once when I wasn't. I have heard from several other people who say their wives were fine with it, but after time they were against it.
I think a big part of it is if you slowly tell them more and more they may feel like there is always going to be more and more added onto it, It will never end. I'd say the best thing would be to tell them there is more, but you don't feel comfortable with it yet, but your trying.

I don't know, that's just what I think.

Also give her good references to where to look for information about it. My wife last year looked around at some sites and said it was amazing how negative the women there were about it. If she finds a place like that they may just expect that that is how they should feel.

[Joanne f]

I had rejection to start with but now i have complete acceptance , in fact my wife accepts me more than i do myself.

[Sheila]

Hun there is no general rule when it comes to either gender, some have been accepting from the get go, then things were pushed to far to fast, sometimes the cder continued to lie and hide, a hoard of different reasons for halting, turning and hating it, some started out not wanting to know, then accepted it either quickly after the initial shock had worn off, or gradualy over time, or they never accepted it.

As she has not run screaming out the door, perhaps in 3 weeks you can let her know the rest, when you do, tell her about here and the GG part of the forum called FAB, where she can come for support from other GG's if she needs it, or just come and join us for a natter, we welcome new GG's in there

[AKAMichelle]

Every woman is different. Her first response may not be what she sticks with especially since you didn't tell her the whole story.

[Karren H]

Every woman is different. Her first response may not be what she sticks with especially since you didn't tell her the whole story.

Yeah... From what I've heard here and other places it seems to me that totally replused SO's rarely ever change... Ones that are so-so with it can go either way.. And ones that are cool with it at first can do the 180 degree turn around after just a short while. Especially if you didn't tell her the whole truth and nothing but the truth... So help me..... Finding out that you are continuing to lie or hide things is the worse.... imho. And that's from experience.. And so far... Not a good one.. Sigh.

[dorylinn]

If its anything like my wife,her feelings about your dressing will change daily.Sometimes she is fine with it then the next day you come home and all your stuff is gone.

Same story here however the roller coaster is a much smoother ride lately

Communication has been the key.

[Sarah_GG]

Crumbs... thirty years is a loooonnnnnnnggggggg time to keep a secret.

Well, now that it's partially out, please don't selectively feed your wife titbits of information. Respect her intelligence and be straight and honest with her from here on in. Guide her towards websites such as this where she can get her question answered and her fears assuaged. Remind her that not everything she reads applies to every crossdresser. By being honest with her she can sort out the things that apply and the things that don't.

Be prepared to accept that she may question the last thirty years and what they actually meant. She will be hurt that you didn't choose to share this side of yourself. Some relationships can improve from this point because there are no more secrets.

Remember that she has a very steep learning curve ahead of her. I don't know how your relationship has been in other areas - open, happy, co-operative, companionable? If it has, then you should hopefully be able to get past some inevitably different times. If it hasn't, then this may be the catalyst for change.

I wish you and your wife the very best with coming to terms with this.

[Presh GG]

Well put, Sarah,

Crumbs, that is what you fed your wife while she shared her hopes and fears and intermost thoughts and love with you.

I want to cry,

Presh GG

God, that wasn't helpfull at all , I'm sorry.
There is no set rule, some will understand , others will be ok, then not then ok. It all depends on how willing you are to help her understand this side of you.
You know your wife, we do not.

PreshGG

[Kaz]

Oh Gosh, I wish it was as simple as everyone implies when they say "be honest and open and tell all"... Sometimes people who do not need to know get hurt badly.

Mea, you are coming from a good place... but 30 years ago no-one was in a place to openly admit this, and most of us (with no internet and the learning and growth of things like this forum) thought it would go away... we wished it would (even if secretly we didn't want it to). If I had told my SO about this 30 years ago (well not quite 30 as we hadn't met then)... end of marriage, all you described... not for lying, but for being honest...

For those of us who have lived through this change it is hard. We still feel we need to protect those we care about.

Kaz xx

[pernille d]

your right sarah !!! i am only half way out that i am aware of , but there are a lot of other problems around us and affecting us just now, so now is not a good time , but a good time . So far the reciption i get from my wife is ok , she says she can never trust me any more (that i can understand) .
We have had a good week since she found out , with no yelling, no crying ,its has actually i think brought us closer . she constantly makes fun of me in a light hearted way , so i think its more the lieing she is having a problem to come to terms with not the clothing , but lets see what happens when i tell all as from g-string to fully dressed is quite a jump, ( but on the other hand if she sees it only as clothing then its not such a big deal ) , i think she is also happer that she can now see why i have been like i have been the last 20+ years, as she knows that it is not her that there is something wrong with.

[sherri52]

my first wife found out after ten yrs and had a fit and could never get past it. My second wife knew before we married and when my son from the first marriage moved in she held the dressing against me. She never saw me again after she found out but she knew when I was getting dressed. I would have to go with first reaction is the most important

[lee in a skirt]

From personal experience SOs seem to change their opinions at any time.

[Satrana]

I don't think you can tell anything from her reaction because if you only revealed you wear a G-string then she will likely interpret that as a minor sexual fetish. This is why she can joke about it. Ironically for her she may even interpret this as a positive sign of your sexual virility.

As a CD you status of being in the closet has not changed at all. To have not come clean with the whole secret is probably a bad decision on your part. If she does now find out the whole truth she is going to be extremely mad because you have actively deceived her whereas before you were passively hiding a shameful secret. It will really destroy all her trust and faith in you.

[gemsay32]

Well, I'm pretty new here but I have been a wife and I have read A LOT here...and over and over the same story...

the guy's wife accepted a certain amount, but then he still didn't trust her, still had to hide the other parts, so then we have the same kind of episode all over again the next time you have lied and hid stuff.

Honestly, I want to just shake some of you!!! It is the LYING, the DECEPTION, the HIDING stuff that really pisses us off, speaking for women in general here.

If you lie, hide, deceive, then we find out, we also know you didn't trust us with the real you, and that hurts. What else are you lieing? What else are you hiding? Do we really even know you like we thought we did???

when there is some time alone together, start by telling her, "I was afraid to tell you, But" or whatever your fear is...show your vulnerable side and let her be the women who loves you. It really makes me mad when I think about guys saying they love us and trust us so much...then they hide this really important ESSENTIAL part of themselves.

You WILL get caught. She will be mad... Stop the madness. Tell all.

The only thing that saved my Sweetie was figuring it out now...and he tried to tell me. But if I married him not knowing and came home and found him dressed as a girl?

Oh, let me tell you, it would be no fun and games mister and quite possibly no marriage. You have the whole other woman and/or gay baggage attached and the shock and surprise and that is NOT a good way to find out about something like that.

and yeah, I'm sweet and accepting and totally fine now, but I did not have the whole trauma of my SPOUSE, my PARTNER for LIFE having a secret hidden side that possibly meant he fooled around with boys or else other women..

I had a chance to calmly visit a website, read, ask questions, etc. That is totally different from a wife/girlfriend finding out by accident after years in a relationship.

Oh, and by the way, the last time I slept at my last boyfriends house and found a pair of ladies panties in the bedding, i did not assume they were his. Oh, wait, that's right, I never slept with him after finding those. Even though I was raising his children at my house. Hmmm, that was several years ago...maybe he was really a crossdresser... if he was and he wanted to tell me, I did not wait around long enough to find out. I am a jealous girl. And guess what, that's pretty much most of us women. (It really was a girl. But I did not know that at the time. I just assumed when I found panties.)

And next time I'll tell you what I really think.

Easier said than done. Many gays stay in the closet because they're not just afraid of opening up, but feel shame about it because of cultural rejection (more true in the past). This probably happens with cross dressers more than gays. Rejection was a common thing more than 30 years ago. Gays commonly never told anyone about it. Even now, after much more acceptance, some states still don't allow gay marriage. This will, in turn, keep some of them in the closet.

Please don't add insult to injury. This probably wasn't easy for this guy. And now that he's seen what she will do when he gives her a little information, he's probably terrified about what will happen if he lets her know about everything. You know, it's easy to judge someone when you're not in their shoes.

Keep in mind that this guy probably wanted his wife to believe he was a normal husband, a man's man. He just wanted her to be comfortable. Some do this to protect their wives and make them as happy as they can about the relationship. It's not about them, it's about the wife. Maybe they're wrong in doing it, and it's certainly not the only reason. You just jump too soon to lay down the blame. This isn't just about the wives, it's also about their husbands. Don't forget that.

[Gerrijerry]

I can say for sure about only my wife. She was not accepting at first and we went for counseling. After that she seemed to be more accepting because she totally new that I did not want to be with other woman or other men. Only her. we setup rules that we both followed about me dressing. It worked for us and after many years of marrage I have to say it is about the same.

[pernille d]

[QUOTE=gemsay32;2129853]

. This probably wasn't easy for this guy. And now that he's seen what she will do when he gives her a little information, he's probably terrified about what will happen if he lets her know about everything.

you hit the nail on the head , i really want to come clean and it the only way forward , and
yes !! i am still in the closset , she did see it as a sexual fetish to start with and her self esteem must have fallen as she took it as a direct thret to sex with her , i did explain to her that it was not so much sexual but the feeling of well being and calm it brings me , i think she has come to terms with that side of the issue, as she told me that on day 2 she booked a therapist , but later in the week she cancelled it as she could see it did not affect our sex life .

i do think she has a feeling there is more to it but who knows as only the other month she was certain that there was no way in our relationship i could shock her , she was wrong there, just how much of a shock telling all will be only time will tell . so yes i will tell but when the time is right ,and i wont leave it too long

[Sarah_GG]

I think the fact that Pernille's wife was willing to see a therapist speaks volumes. It means she is open to discussion and wants to work this out. Why not consider still going, it can't hurt to have a third party guide you both through an emotionally charged situation.

I think Mea was expressing just how hurtful and upsetting it is for us GGs when we find out that a fundamental part of our partner has been hidden from us. This is a forum for all of us involved in TGism. The deceit is the biggest issue when partners find out.

Thirty years ago I knew that transvestites existed and had even met a couple a few years before that. Transvestites might have been objects for discussion, sniggering and gossip but they certainly weren't pilloried, we're not exactly talking about the dark ages!

Also, thirty years is long enough for a couple to have 'educated' each other about the wider issues in the world, she might have had to tell him that women now have the vote! And it was up to him to broaden her horizons to alternative life choices.

Pernille - I think it bodes well for you. Good luck!

[pernille d]

my wife returned back from a buisness trip away and said" what naughty things have you been up to while i was away" she also said she could always see i had been up to something when she was not home as there was a sparke in my eyes .That followed by a bit of jokeing and then came a bit of talking and then " i can see there is something on your mind that you want to tell me" . i was terrified and could not say it but eventually i gave in and told everything. .

we talked and talked , and the bottom line was she loves me .she said a few intersting things , one was that if i had told her 20 years ago she would still have married me .two was that i need to find out a little bit more about myself and not be "light footed" and admit what i am and get on with my life and she would see how she could accept it" . she talked open and with humor and said "maybe now when its fun time you can dress up in stockings so i dont have to do it ," so it seems like she sees the fun side of it and is not repulsed by it

there is still a long way to go but , i think things are going in possative way and it has opened or relationship up

[Samantha_Smile]

Pernille, Im so happy for you.
You offered me a welcomed ear when I was in turmoil over my fiance not knowing, and I just have to say I think your good deed has come around like karma.
The weight off my chest is still the best part, even now 10 weeks down the line, and Im glad you have had that weight lifted.
Even if things don't seem 100% at first, just give it time.
Emma learning about my dressing has easily been the best thing to happen to our relationship, there's no more walls, were open about everything now, I feel we communicate more effectively and were just closer on the whole.

Case in point, were going shopping today, and Ive been allowed some new girly stuff out of the budget, and having a girl help you chose clothes etc is the biggest help you can get.

All the best Pernille x

[Patricia Jane]

I told my wife before I ever dressed in front on her. she does have one rule. She does not want me to walk in public in our neighborhood. She buys clothes for me, makes suggestions, tells me when it does not look right, and does not complain. We have a good relationship and get along well. After all, she is my best friend.