i Feel Guilty, hypoccritical and i wanna apologize

[Myojine]

Ok so well... as most of the populous knowns im a Male To Female trasngender.
so yeah im not gonna beat around the bush on this....
[SIZE="2"]*here goes*[/SIZE]

I dont know where it comes from, why i fell so pissed or angry about it or why im so riled by it, i mean i understand the feeling so why the hell do i pass such stupidity i dont understand
what am i talking about

you guys...
wait what?

i envy the very thing yall were born as, i would kill people to have been born a female, and for some reason i dont understand why but i have this weird hate directed at you guys for in my eyes "ruining" what i want so bad.

ugh how discusting, i know im sorry, i feel like a complete **** saying that and and sooo damn selfish to feel that way but i dont know why. well maybe i do...
i know that you guys could look at me the same way Envy every god damn thing i was born as that i personally hate so much that youd give jsut about anything to have.

beleive me if i could trade my 8inches for your 36C cup OMFG i would.

i mean i totally understand how you guys feel, and you know how i feel, so why? why would i do something so ignorant and stupid?

i feel guilty about this, i relay do, i havent done anything wrong to anyone, i dont think i ever will, but realy i feel that i should apologize just for acting this way....

im wondering... ill post another thread about this id yall'd like it,
i mean inside pointers on how "men" act.

im sorry.... i dont know what makes me think like that. i have to catch myself and tell myself to stop acting stupid...

[Andy66]

Myojine honey, whenever I read a post asking for pointers on how to lose muscle, my first thought is "WTF? Why would anyone want to do that?" But hey, we're all different and going through our own stuff, and need different things.

The truth is, what some Transman halfway across the globe does to his body does not change who you are, or make your struggles any easier or harder, and vice-versa... except that the more of us (ALL of us) are out there, the better things will get for all of us.

[Ze]

Actually, Myojine, we get this type of behavior directed at us all the time. At least you were honest enough to admit your source. You're far better than the individuals that treat us terribly and put us down, yet pretend they're Little Miss Innocent.

Yes, we each want what the other has. But as we don't resent you, you shouldn't feel a need to resent us. It definitely works both ways. Especially since you have it better in the possibilities of changing your body. Sure, you want what we have, but at least you have perfected surgeries. We don't. So even though we in turn want what you have, we can't have it. Or if we endure what's currently available to us, we lose a massive amount of money (significantly more than MtF surgeries) with inadequate outcomes. But yet you rarely see any of us act bitter toward MtFs due to such a regard.

You might "hate" us, but you're still way better off than we are. You have a community that actually supports you (instead of ignoring you, hating you, or pretending you don't exist), have way better transitioning options, get all the understanding and media coverage, and aren't told every day that you somehow, despite all this, have it much better by comparison.

So just keep that in mind. And thank you for the honestly. You're aware of your behavior and attitude, have caught yourself, admitted to it, and from what you've said, seem to be now in wants of changing it for the better. You are FAR better than most. Seriously. It's hurtful to see the words you've written, but I can't deny that it sure beats passivity.

If more people adopted your attitude for personal change, the entire TG community would be better off.

[NiCo]

Well I could kill for what you have and what you are ‘wasting’. It’s something I have wanted all my life…but what you must understand is this hatred [I would say more a distressed jealousy] you have for us, is probably similar to what we have felt towards GM and MtFs at some point in our lives. I don’t know how many times suicide has came into my mind when I thought of how lucky you lot are, not because of the anatomy you have, but the choices of surgery.

When you get rid of your penis…you will most likely have a perfect looking vagina.

When we get rid of our vagina…we get a piece of sh*t that looks like it was created by a mad professor…which may never function properly, and may even reject from our bodies.

What you have to see is, the feeling you are having is normal for any trans person at one point in their lives. You have to see though that what you feel for us, is pretty unfair. We HATE our body the same way YOU hate yours.

Whenever you think how selfish we are, remember we may [or may not] think you are being selfish and stupid and horrible.

Personally I do not feel that for MtFs, I feel the utmost respect and honour to know such wonderful and strong people. My best friend is a MtF and she is more like a sister to me than my own biological sister. I have seen her at her lows and at her highs, I have seen her distressed about her anatomy, and she has held me as I cried about mines…we are on the same brainwave…but don’t worry Myojine, this feeling you are having will pass in it’s own time. Remember we are on the same boat as you are and we all must stick together and support each other…not hate and/ or feel jealous.

I hope this helped

[CaptLex]

i have this weird hate directed at you guys for in my eyes "ruining" what i want so bad.

Well I can't say I'm surprised. As Ze mentioned, we get that sort of reaction from MtFs all the time. For me it was a rude awakening when I first experienced it because (silly me) I thought if anyone could understand how it feels to wear the wrong body, and be empathetic and supportive, it would be someone else who had to live in the same situation – like . . . oh, I don't know . . . an MtF maybe? That's not to say that we don't have any friends amongst MtFs – some are truly understanding and supportive – but there seems to be a large-enough percentage that hate us and/or dismiss us because they think we have nothing to complain about.

NiCo is right of course, we're all in the same boat and can use each other's support. I thought that was obvious, but apparently not. I guess it all comes down to envy – that ugly, green monster. But we're not the enemy – it's that jealousy you have to defeat. e:

Anyway, I commend you for being honest, Myojine, and for wanting to make amends. It means a lot. Now can you please spread the word to any others that can use a little enlightenment?

whenever I read a post asking for pointers on how to lose muscle, my first thought is "WTF? Why would anyone want to do that?"

Yup, me too.

[Myojine]

Well I could kill for what you have and what you are ‘wasting’. It’s something I have wanted all my life…but what you must understand is this hatred [I would say more a distressed jealousy] you have for us, is probably similar to what we have felt towards GM and MtFs at some point in our lives. I don’t know how many times suicide has came into my mind

I know all to welll /hugs

when I thought of how lucky you lot are, not because of the anatomy you have, but the choices of surgery.

When you get rid of your penis…you will most likely have a perfect looking vagina.

When we get rid of our vagina…we get a piece of sh*t that looks like it was created by a mad professor…which may never function properly, and may even reject from our bodies.

awwww im sooooo sorry, like i said, if i could trade you I SO WOULD...

What you have to see is, the feeling you are having is normal for any trans person at one point in their lives. You have to see though that what you feel for us, is pretty unfair. We HATE our body the same way YOU hate yours.

i know i understand thats why i dont understand why i get those feelings
"stupid myo theyre worse off then you, you should at least try to help them"
i say it to myself all the time

Whenever you think how selfish we are, remember we may [or may not] think you are being selfish and stupid and horrible.

Personally I do not feel that for MtFs, I feel the utmost respect and honour to know such wonderful and strong people. My best friend is a MtF and she is more like a sister to me than my own biological sister. I have seen her at her lows and at her highs, I have seen her distressed about her anatomy, and she has held me as I cried about mines…we are on the same brainwave…but don’t worry Myojine, this feeling you are having will pass in it’s own time. Remember we are on the same boat as you are and we all must stick together and support each other…not hate and/ or feel jealous.

I hope this helped

this made me cry...^
why did we have to get thrown some of the worst cards in the game of life?



Oh and i didnt realy wanna loose muscle i wanted to slim up...sorta...

Lol i know tons of exersizes that will beef you up and make you pretty strong
Army strong that is :3 i miss basic training sometimes

[NiCo]

I’m going into the army, so I’m fine for exercise, I just need to start my usual workout routine now I’m 6 weeks post-hysto [oh that’s another reason we can’t trade, cause I binned mines lol]…

As I said the feelings you are having, I would pretty much say they are normal…it’s because you are so “dysphoric” that you are beginning to become extremely upset with life in general…and we’ve all been there and done that at one time or another.

I don’t think you should apologise, because what wrong have you done? You are going through what every single person feels…a hatred to one self and an envy to another. If anyone denies this, I don’t believe you…everyone has desired to be another person at least once in their life, or have what they have.

We all have an unfortunate start at life, but we all must overcome that and stay strong till we get what we need. Ideally we should also support others on their journey too and do as much to help. What you have done, is been honest, for that you shouldn’t say sorry because at least you have acknowledged your thoughts may be upsetting to people, but at the same time you needed to say it otherwise it would constantly be going over and over in your head and that’s how people end up bitter.

I think you’re strong for saying what you did, cause you could have easily be slain for saying such a thing…guess you’re lucky there is good guys on this forum

Remember we are here to support you and other transgender people, and help them understand how we feel and the importance of all of us sticking together as one unit rather than separate units. We are not here to make anyone feel guilty or make them feel sad about their situations.

Take care, and I wish you all the best in life

[Think Ii rambled a bit haha... ]

[Adam]

I can understand where your coming from becuase to you we have what you dream of!

what you got to think though is the fact that you have what we want!

there is nothing that can be done to change the way we feel and its not like we can swap body's so its best to push that thought of being jelous, upset or bothered about what we had/have and focus on what you can do for yourself.

its the same in life with alot of things some people are rich some are poor do the poor resent the rich!? nope that deal with what they have and get on with life!

i think your fine having the thoughts you have and it does NOT make you bad! only thing is while feeling this way give a thought to how you feel about your body and then imagine that same thought is what we feel about ours.

[Super Amanda]

I'm not as hard on myself as Myojine, but I do feel like a jerk for not commenting on your side.

I don't harbor any ill will towards anyone at all, or have any animosity, or anything like that, but I have had a internal laugh or two from time to time from the bitter, bitter irony of "we". We really need to work on that brain swapping gizmo mad scientists use in the movies.

Anyway, I usually only will leave a comment if I have something worthwhile to say, hence the three years here, but less than 500 posts...

Perhaps as a person trying to get all of the masculine out of my life, I subconsciously stayed away from your side, I dunno....

I totally get how hard it must be to be a transman, and given the choice I would have to stay M2F...my heart goes out to all of you duders.

[mistunderstood]

Look we are all in the same boat we just have to convince everyone to row the same way so we all in up at the same place in this race called life. We all have bad days and we just have to be honest with our-selves and each other about that fact.
If I had a wand I would gladly trade my body with yours and we would be happy but I can not do this so all we can do is help each other through this.
Thank you for being honest and admitting you are angry. I am angry to but not at MtF's.
Hope you have good luck with your goals Myojine.

[Tara1967]

I do feel though that Ftm can walk about anywhere in town and not be harrassed by anyone just becasue of being who they are. I see them everyday everwhere. You don't see many MtF CD's out and about in everyday common crowds, and if I were to see one he would be getting ridiculed by some people.

[Ze]

No offense, Tara, but you are seriously underestimating the problems we go through. I have repeatedly gone through all the things you just said I, being FtM, wouldn't...because I'm FtM. It comes down to a kind, yet firm, request of "Please don't assume such things when you haven't been in our shoes."

Edit: Tara, you seem to have oddly changed your post above mine, leaving mine sounding quite odd in response. So...yeah...huh?

[AnonyMouse]

@Myojine - I absolutely understand the kind of thing that you're feeling. I can't stand to be in MTF circles for very long periods of time at all before I get frustrated with all these people working so hard to get and chattering happily about having things that I was born with and cannot stand to have. I'm better about it now, having philosophized about it for a while. It helps if you recognize that one person's change from female to male (or vice versa) does not negate your need to change from male to female (or vice versa.)

The important thing is to understand that we are no more women than you are a man. Our bodies pain us as much as yours does you, irrespective of where we started or where we hope to end up. Masculinity and femininity are both beautiful things in the hands of the people to whom they truly belong, and both can be celebrated without detriment to the other.

@Tara - One word: Fag.

[BiancaEstrella]

I love the FtM community. I don't resent you at all; rather, in a strange way, I admire you all. I'm not much aware on how to communicate why that is, but know that at least one of us out there is an unabridged supporter of that which you want for yourselves.

If my goal were to transition to womanhood full time, I'd absolutely seek out an FtM as an intimate partner. In the interim, I respect you intensely.

[Kaden]

Old OP but anyway... If you're focusing on feeling anger and resentment towards other people the it means you're not at self acceptance yet, hopefully you'll get there but in the meantime anger isn't an unusual stage to go though and at least you can understand your feelings in a honest way.