I don't get to this section very often, but I was browsing around and clicked on this thread:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=132426
And I was struck by the part, "She hugged me and said this is a part of who you are and just be comfortable with who you are." This is the kind of advice I see now and then, and everybody seems to agree with it but doesn't really seriously think about it.
Look at the average crossdresser. In the closet. Often married. Often hiding it from the wife, or at least on sort of a "don't ask don't tell" policy.
Face it. Most crossdressers hate themselves. They are ashamed of being a crossdresser. They try to hide it. I've seen a million posts about someone who gets married to a nice girl, trying to suppress their crossdressing instead of deal with it. A few years later they get caught. How is the wife supposed to react? This is a habit you're ashamed of. It's your dirty little secret. You wish you could stop. You expect other people to embrace your crossdressing when you yourself are obviously disgusted by it?
I was in a support group which encompassed both trans and CD people, and we wanted to volunteer in the community. We had trouble because we were basically seen as perverts so people didn't want us to be publicly associated with them, and they definitely didn't want to let us around kids. This is a horrible and mostly* unfounded stereotype about people with gender issues, but we need to look at ourselves. If we think of ourselves as deviants and are ashamed and hate ourselves and essentially have the same degree of disdain for crossdressing as we do pedophilia, then how do we expect others to treat us any better than pedophiles?
Crossdressers get busted by their wives and it turns into a major issue in their marriage, and they blame their wife for not understanding them. Give me a break. You don't understand yourself. You don't respect yourself. Your only outlet is talking on this forum and waiting for your wife to be out of the house so you can keep your shameful secret to yourself. How exactly do you expect to be treated any better than a total freak?
I know there are a lot of crossdressers who get out now and then and have fun and have a good family life, but then there are the deep-in-the-closet ones...
I mean, I'm on estrogen. I pretty much live as a not-quite-passable woman. But I used to think of myself as a crossdresser. It's a little taboo to talk about how blurred the line can be between CD and TS, but honestly I think a lot of crossdressers are transgendered girls without the self-respect to be themselves when anybody's watching except maybe a very small and very safe circle of friends.
It's hard to be comfortable with yourself. I spent so many years telling myself, "I know all I need is confidence." Well, that's pretty damn hard when all you want to be is a pretty girl just like any other girl wants, and yeah, nobody's as pretty as they want to be, but you're staring in the mirror at a 6-foot-tall hairy person with a penis and a receding hairline. Ouch! I went through a period of being suicidal and I was still afraid to be myself most of the time. That's ridiculous! I didn't care whether I lived or died but I was still too afraid of what people thought of me to leave the house most of the time. When I would go out and people would react negatively to me, it was never a big deal. I was still always glad I was trying to be myself. But the next day I would still want to lock myself inside even though I didn't even know what I was afraid of (since people who were mean to me didn't really bother me that much). So I know it's horribly difficult to be confident, and it can take years. But it's important if you're ever going to be happy. If you're ever going to understand yourself. If you're ever going to be comfortable.
I guess I would say I'm still kinda transitioning. I'm currently in a pretty great lesbian relationship. Is it because I was up-front with her about these issues? More than that, it's because she already knew about me through mutual friends, and the first time she saw me I was wearing eyeshadow in public. I'm not bragging. I've had tons of horrible relationships and the only person I can blame for that is myself. But this relationship works because she knows the real me and she's totally attracted to the real me.
I guess my point is that I see a lot of complaining around here. I see complaining about GGs not understanding. I see complaining about society not understanding. That's not the problem. The problem is with your attitude towards yourself. There's something to the cliche, you have to love yourself before other people can love you. The world has plenty a-holes in it, sure, but it's not that bad. I live in the John McCain state and am surrounded by cranky old Republicans and Mexican machismo, and I really don't get hassled much except by the kind of obnoxious people who are going to try to make anybody miserable whether or not it's a guy in a dress.
I'm not saying every crossdresser is an unenlightened transwoman longing to get estrogen injected in her ass. I'm just saying be true to yourself. Be confident. Think of what could bring you true happiness and be that person. You'll lose some family. You'll lose some friends. But guess what? One day you'll look back and say, "OMG, why did I care about those jerks?"
Don't live your life with excuses. Don't tell yourself you can't be yourself because of other people. I see all the time people making themselves miserable for the sake of relationships that are probably doomed to begin with. And I'll bet a lot of these people are in relationships that would make them miserable and fall apart even if there weren't any gender issues involved. Everybody has issues with their parents expectations, and often feels like they're living their life to satisfy others, even non-crossdressers! And if anybody wants to be happy they have to say screw everybody else's expectations, I'm going to be me.
I'll go disappear again for another few months
* I say mostly because I've met a lot of crossdressers in bars who are married men who like to sneak out and crossdress to cheat on their wives with men. People pretend this doesn't exist, but I've seen about 100 instances of it in the past four years. These people degrade women, degrade crossdressers, and if anybody's a pervert they are. I know that for every one of them there are problably 500 crossdressers who stay home and keep it to themselves instead of going out and trying to hook up, but there is definitely some foundation for the negative stereotype for crossdressers.