She Is Throwing The Gender Things At Me

[Sheila]

[SIZE="3"]I have noticed a recent trend if we have a disagreement over something ......... no matter what we are arguing/discussing with passion, she had begun to bring the gender thing in every time and I mean every time .............. she threatens to stop, purge, tells me I can throw all her stuff out etc etc ....... to me it is crazy I have no issues with her Transgenderism ......... why is she doing this ............. all thought will be gratefully recieved .......... one very SO[/SIZE]

[skylance]

Im not really sure, i really dont knwo enough about the situation to give a proper feedback, but from what im getting, and please dont take offense to this, but it sounds like there may be some insecurity issues???

[DAVIDA]

Sorry Sheila!
Don't you know that we can be stupid at times?
Sometimes when in an argume.........a heated discussion, our intelligence factor goes to time-out!

[Sheila]

do you mean she may have insecurity issues with herself, or insecurity issues with my acceptance ?.........

[skylance]

Possibly both, for some reason, it seems to have become a weapon in the discussion, and i really dont know what the basis for it could be unless she is somehow insecure about it and thinks that you might use it as a weapon against her? i dont know, but thats the only reason i could possibly think of it coming to that unless she is really unhappy about something. My only advice i can give is try to talk with her about it and see why this keeps happening.

[Jonianne]

She Is Throwing The Gender Things At Me

Be sure to duck! At least a pair of pantys wouldn't hurt too much if they happen to hit you.

Seriously, I'm sure Debs knows you love and accept her, sometimes us guys don't know how to "let it sink in" the honest acceptance you have. Just say it to her without words for a while. Let Debs be the guide as to how much you need to verbally assure her. (Debs, I know you are reading this - be sure to ask Sheila when you feel you need assurance and share your real feelings with her!)

Sheila, always hold on to Debs with an "open" hand. Let Debs be the one to guide you into what her hopes and dreams are. And Debs, always encourage and support Sheila with her aspirations and dreams, too.

Love and hugs,

Joni

[Kate Simmons]

We can be like women in that respect Sheila (no offense meant) in that we really don't know what the problem is. I suspect, however, that on some level she needs to know she is appreciated as a guy, even if she does not know it. Guys have a "mystique" also, they usually just don't show it. This is what happens when guys really get in touch with their feelings. That is a positive thing, no?

[Sheila]

Sky, if I knew why the reason for it I would not have opened it up for input here ..... a little history for you and those that don't know the situation

Debs and I met on here 5 months after my previous relationship with a CDER ended ......... that was a nasty separation, I ended up overdosing because of the crap he brought into the relationship & not just over TG issues, and the buttons he pushed after the split ( I was as accepting as he would allow me to be Which was not a lot ... he had other sides to CDing that I only discovered later and I would not even contemplate acceptance of that in my life)

I knew about Debs before I knew about Male Debs or rather I saw her before I saw him, there are no two separate beings in the one body for her. There has never been even once that I ever considered throwing her T status at her nor can I ever see a reason I would do it in the future ............ I adore the complete person that she is

Perhaps it is my being able to accept her wholeheartedly that causes her problems, maybe because where ever she decides to go she knows I walk with her willingly, maybe she is scared of where she knows she is going and perhaps sometimes she needs me to say woah a minute .......... how can I ? that would be like asking her not to breath or smell the floweers or feel the sun on her face .... impossible

I know I cannot be the only SO male or female going through things like this in their relationship, so maybe some of the others who are dealing with this can come in and add to this, cos I sure am confused when she does it

Denise she is appreciated for the whole person not the guy not the girl but just her as a whole

[mklinden2010]

I agree with the common wisdom that the most important predictor of a relationship being long-term is not how you treat one another when you are loving, but how you treat one another when you are fighting.

"Fighting," of course, being a loaded word and a bad sign in itself. I do not like fighting. If I fight, I (and they) want to "win." And, winning isn't everything when it comes to getting along.

Disagreeing, on the other hand, is a different matter. Disagreeing on an issue or topic doesn't require digging trenches, taking higher ground, or, being destructive of the other side and/or your common interests. Disagreeing is a temporary exploration of information to find agreement.

In a good relationship, it's assumed "We'll work something out to get back to "happy."" If you're not steadily getting "back to happy" it may not be either one of you; the relationship, judging by results, just may not be a good mix for both of you. "Your mileage may vary."

I know nothing about you guys, really. But, I may not need to know a whole lot to offer that perhaps you should figure out what you are trying to work out. Where, in other words, each of you would like to be and what your eventual common goal is, after you work on things a bit.

If you are trying to help your SO with a personal issue, ask that it be presented as a personal issue that is bothering them - while noting that you may not be an expert on whatever it is and that you may not have "the" solution, but perhaps you can be of some help in finding a path to a resolution. Even if all you wind up doing is picking up the phone book for them and finding someone in your area of town for them to go see...

If you, or, they, have "a bone to pick," be specific about what it is that's bothering you. "A" bone... Limit the discussion to one thing at a time. Be mindful that you may both decide to set one thing aside to take up another issue. But, deal with things one at a time. You may find that the issues are related, can be rearranged, can be handled better in a different order.

A lot of problems in couple's relationships come down to one or both partners not being sure about what they are doing, or, what "we" should be doing. This may come as a surprise to one or both parties. Sit down, check the map to make sure you agree on where you are and where you are going, see if you can agree on what course to take, and, work the problem rather than let it work you.

Be considerate of yourself and others. If you can't commit to and stay on a course, just admit it and see if it makes sense to keep trying with each other. Everybody wants a good life, but sometimes we have to help each other realize, "Maybe not this way, with this person. Which is OK."

The point is not to make every pair of shoes fit, the point is to find a pair that fits well and isn't always causing you pain and keeping you from getting with the rest of life.

The worst thing in life isn't always breaking up - sometimes it's staying together.

Be kind to one another and always wish each other well.

[Miss Tanya]

It sounds more like she is fighting with herself than with you.

[Violetgray]

It sounds more like she is fighting with herself than with you.

Yeah, that.

When we argue with our GG partners and they keep bringing up gender, we say it's because they haven't fully accepted it yet.

Don't see why this should be any different.

[Tamara Croft]

Maybe Debs is testing you... I mean, would you really throw her stuff away? Don't answer that... I already know the answer... but if she is going to do this everytime you argue (sorry Debs... haven't I smacked you today already?), you know what to do...

Debs, I know you're going to read this, you need to stop it, your married life shouldn't be a constant battle about your clothes, gender etc etc... this isn't fair on Sheila and you know it! If this was me, personally, I'd kick your butt... and then throw away your stuff... Life is way to short for constant drama isn't it?

[DonnaT]

It doesn't make much sense. If it were a little girl I'd say she was throwing a temper tantrum.

Only Debs can answer your question, everything else is just guess work.

Maybe a trip to Relate is in order.

[Andy66]

Think maybe you put too much pressure on him to be her? Maybe he wants to be a guy sometimes, and wear guy underwear.

[suchacutie]

So here's the deal: I have a completely supportive wife and we discovered Tina together after 32 years of marriage. We were both a bit surprised and wondered where it might head, and she's been open, supportive, encouraging, and a terrific mentor/confident for the last 5 years for Tina.

Everything was perfect...until Tina started to develop a feminine voice. For some reason that voice put Tina into some sort of quicksand. She could talk in the car just fine, but as soon as she tried to use it to talk to this wonderful supportive mentor and girlfriend, she got embarrassed and clammed up! She suddenly could not be herself! Why? God knows! It was such a downer!!!

Luckily, in male mode was talked about this Tina issue and my wife was as surprised as I was.

So the bottom line for me is the realization that even in the best of circumstances there are bound to be little hand grenades waiting to go off when you least expect it. Something is bothering her that she can't vocalize to you. Debs, if you are reading this, it may be that you don't even know what it is, but you really have to talk it out. It's the only way!

my best to both of you.

Tina

[Sheila]

Think maybe you put too much pressure on him to be her? Maybe he wants to be a guy sometimes, and wear guy underwear.

nope he threw the guy under wear away 6 or 7 months ago ........... where he goes is through his choice .......... I just give the occasion butt kick when I know it is needed, if he wants to be him 24/7 then that is who he is if he wants to be her then that is who she is .............. support from me is 24/7 110% for the whole person whoever that person is presenting as

[ReineD]

You do clearly love Debs more than life itself. But you can also be very vocal about the direction you perceive that Debs should take.

I would allow Debs to take over her own reigns completely. Just let her know that you are prepared to support her in whatever direction she chooses to go (I'm sure she already knows this ), and then take the focus off of her and put it back on your own life, your own dreams and aspirations.

If Debs wants to pack up her femme stuff for awhile, this is entirely Debs' prerogative. Let Debs know that you are prepared to support her in whatever she chooses, then just step back and enjoy the ride, no matter the destination.

[Jorja]

Sheila,
I have seen this a thousand times over the years and have even done it myself. At a sever risk of over simplifying the problem here is what I believe is going on. This is no excuse for "fighting" though.
We that crossdress or are in fact transgendered tend to get lost (mentally)once in a while. Suddenly our minds revert back to in this case, being male. It is like a snapshot. Suddenly we are asking ourselves what am I doing? It scares the hell out of us. Sometimes it only lasts a brief moment. Other times it can last for days. We can become very defensive and insecure. Nobody understands!
You while being accepting and supportive really have nothing to do with the problem at all. You are just there catching all the crap . It would be my suggestion first to sit Debs down and have her tell you what is going on. She may need some counseling to be able to explain the problem. Anyway, i do hope you get this worked out.

[carhill2mn]

I had to read this post several times as usually it is the SO of the CD that makes these threats, brings CDing into the fight, etc. I know that was the case for me.
I think that Jorja makes a couple of good points (as did others). I suspect some self-hate, self-doubt, fear of accepting issues here. I have read of other situations where the SO is much more able to accept the reality of a person being a CD than the person herself. I know of people who have been, in effect, CDs for decades and still have difficulty coming to grips with that fact. Thus, the self-loathing, purging, etc. actions.
I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Please know that many of us are here to listen to and empathize with you.

[Sheila]

You do clearly love Debs more than life itself. But you can also be very vocal about the direction you perceive that Debs should take.

Reine My vocalism tends mainly to be in the GG section and usually after we have talked and talked and talked.
Debs herself has asked me not to stop kick butting her when I feel she is ready to take the next step ,and is procrastinating out of fear.
When I vocalize what is going on it with her it is usually when I am at my wits end, she saying one thing one minute then the opposite the next, then I tend to turn to the other GG's ............. in fact on more than one occasion I have had my butt kicked for not opening up sooner

As an aside, yes I am a vocal person, I don't believe that problems are ever solved if one does not talk & to be fair to Debs we do talk and talk and talk, but sometimes, you just know what you are hearing is crap, especially when it comes from someone you love as I am sure you are well aware

It is tough to sit quietly when you know they are hurting themselves with their actions ......... he/she wouldn't/does not sit back and watch me suffer if he/she knows by making me talk about something that is bothering me it will help even if I don't particularly want to hear it at the time. You are right i love this person to death and that is one of the reasons for it, he/she makes me stronger even if it causes me to be hurt to make it better

I would allow Debs to take over her own reigns completely. Just let her know that you are prepared to support her in whatever direction she chooses to go (I'm sure she already knows this ), and then take the focus off of her and put it back on your own life, your own dreams and aspirations.

Reine she had done that from January till her return last month, where she goes and how she goes is at her direction, ....... I may vocalize what we are doing and how we are doing it, but that is because of who I am and what I am like ............. Debs is a different kettle of fish, like ,many TG people she tends to be less open to being open with others about things that matter to her.

Her anger issues are a well known part of her past, but it is only in the last few months that she has started to throw the dressing issue at me & it is kinda hard to enjoy the ride when you are getting accused of things
a) you ain't done
B) would never dream of doing
c) know that when they are being flung at you, it comes out of the blue in a heated discussion over something totally different .................. had we been discussing her TGism when these arguements (discussions) took place I could maybe understand it, but we were nowhere near the TG issues at the time :doh:

If Debs wants to pack up her femme stuff for awhile, this is entirely Debs' prerogative. Let Debs know that you are prepared to support her in whatever she chooses, then just step back and enjoy the ride, no matter the destination.

It is Reine you are right and when and if she does I will mail you round about the time I feel Dabs is due to return and ask you for your home addy, buy her the ticket and pack her and her male butt over to you for a while till she makes said return and wish you all the best he is not nice to be around in the pre Debs appearance when she is about to return and he is fighting her

Living with someone 24/7 who is going through the agonies of gender dysphoria can be/is a nightmare, it really is not just all about the clothes, the makeup and looking pretty, and acting fem, nice trips out and coffee at a coffee shop, we have to deal with them at 2am in the morning when they are going through the internalized agonies & usually with her it is after midnight when the pain, hurt and anger appear ............ I suppose it is best described as you feeling crap with an illness that the minute you lie down turns into an agony .......... toothache is always worst the minute the dentist shuts his doors for the weekend


Thankyou Reine, and everyone else who has shown care by trying to help us, I think I know or have an idea where this comes from i just needed some input from those who had some idea of what it was like whether you are living with it within yourself or as a partner of someone who is/has/does go through severe bouts of dysphoria. Your support for us both is much appreciated

[JulieK1980]

I wish you both the best of luck, I enjoy reading the posts of both of you on here!

I don't have much "advice" except maybe its a communication issue? My wife and I often used to fight, and it would escalate to stuff that more resembled temper tantrums, as we both have a tendency to fight to win so to speak. When we both realized this, we had to take a step back and start actually listening to each other, instead of drowning the other persons words out, while trying to make our own point.

I don't know if that helps, but its all I got...

[ReineD]

Whatever happens, Sheila, please know that I'm pulling for you both with all my heart. Your romance on this site was the stuff made in heaven, and I hate to see that you are at odds sometimes.

But, I'm sure that it will all work out. The road is not an easy one, but the two of you share a love, the strength of which I'm convinced will carry you through the most arduous obstacles.

[Blaire]

I recall a recent period where he's become more "he", and Debs had fallen to the wayside for a while. Sounds like a bit of an identity crisis? Seems like there's an internal battle of which way to go, and she's kicking his butt, which is making him get his hackles up.

Back off a bit in asking for one or the other. Debs seems to be at a crossroads, and only Debs can pick which road to walk down.

[Karen564]

[SIZE=2]I have my suspicions, but that would only be a wild guess ....so I ain't saying nuttin...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]But Sheila, I have to ask, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Why ask us?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Shouldn't you be asking Debs this question?[/SIZE]

[Sheila]

Thanks Reine, I hate the times when she is fighting with herself, it hurts to watch her ........ at times we get shaken badly with her internal battles but we know we have a very solid base on which to fight them

I also don't think it hurts to let other couples know they are not alone, & that while things can be rough, they can be won out over

Karen don't you think I haven't ............ sometimes though when you are in the depths of something you can't see the wood for the trees, sometimes someone can say something that makes you both go ow yeah !!!!!! why didn't we think of that

Blaire where do you get I ask for one or the other ? I am confused !!!!!!!!!!!