What Are Your SO Boundries?

[Miss Tanya]

I feel like I am in a wierd place with my wife. She seems far more concerned about the prints and colors of what I wear (no pink flowers) than the fact that I am dressing like a woman. I am now living with the fashion police. So far, her only clear boundries seem to be no wigs or make up, and no sex while en femme.

I only came out to my wife six months ago and we've known each other for nearly 10 years, so I fully realize how lucky I am that she is already so accepting. But there is a selfish part of me that is beginning to resent that I can't wear whatever I want whenever I want to - even though I've been closeted my whole life. Now that I've tasted the sweet air of freedom, I crave more. I know I need to check myself and my attitude, but it does make me want to ask all you ladies:

1. What are the boundries that you have established with your SO?
2. Do you resent the boundries?
3. Do you ever try to break them or push them?

[Tamara Croft]

Personally, I think you're being too harsh on your wife. You've had all your life to accept who you are, you've given her 6 months and she's already mostly accepting. You're resenting her for having boundries, but you didn't give her the respect of telling her when you first got married... how do you think she feels?

Part of me wants to grab you by the shoulders and give you a good shake and knock some sense into that selfish part of you, because with all due respect, a lot of members here would love what you have. If I were you, I wouldn't even consider pushing boundries, they are hardly worth pushing and if you can't respect that, you only have yourself to blame in the first place.

I can feel the resentment in your post, calling her the 'fashion police'... maybe that doesn't sound that bad, but you start going down that road, it's only going to get worse. She is your wife, you're supposed to love her, not resent her over clothing... If she needs boundries, try and respect that, you can always wear whatever you like when she isn't in the house.

[Katesback]

LOL to set boundries and mandates and control another person is in itself wrong if you ask me.

Katie

[Maria in heels]

Tanya...I hope that you can understand that you are in a truly great place with your wife knowing, and trying to accept. I don't know if you realize what she is doing for you, but I hope that you understand about the " no wigs or make up, and no sex while en femme" rules that she has set for you right now.

My thoughts as to the reason why is that when your wife is trying to allow you to dress up to a point, when the makeup and wigs come out, there is a totally different person in front of her, which probably frightens her. I know that for many years, this is what "scared" my wife, and I, to this day, will respect what she asks, and not be upset by this.

As you can see here on the forums, there are many who understand, but there are many wives who absolutely will not bend or flex when it comes to their husband showing his femme side...go give her a hug and thank her for being so understanding and loving towards you....

[Sheila]

Tanya, consider yourself very lucky that your wife is giving you advice ........... she is trying to help you avoid some horrendous fashion mistakes, talk to her, ask her why she is making those choices ok

LOL t[SIZE="3"]o set boundries and mandates and control another person is in itself wrong if you ask me.[/SIZE]

Katie

Thanks Kate, I am truly glad you said that ............ Debs set boundaries that I am not to discuss her Transgendered stautus with others without her consent ........... at long last clear indication that I can now go tell the neighbours, the job center folks (will help in her availability do apply for more jobs, she can be a lap dancer, barmaid, dinner lady etc etc

YEAH !!!!! NOW I AM FREE TO TELL WHO THE HELL I LIKE
Kate

[Miss Tanya]

Please don't get me wrong. I totally love my wife, respect her and all her boundaries - and I understand her resoning. I know how traumatic this has all been for her, and I deeply regret every day and moment I ever lied to her. I would do anything to make her as comfortable/happy as possible. And in reading all of your posts over the past few months, believe me, I am thrilled with my wife's acceptance level and I am FULLY aware of how lucky I am to have her.

But I feel I must at least acknowledge and explore my darkest thoughts to better understand myself, my priorities, and my direction. Right now, I am VERY concerned about escalation. I don't want to lose my wife, but I don't want to suppress myself to a level of resentment, which I feel many CDers do. My heart breaks for the CDers here who have a don't ask, don't tell policy. To me, that kind of distance and lonliness would be very damaging to my marriage, though I hear many are successful in this arrangement.

Now all of you seem very respectful and admirable in this forum, and if you are being honest, then you should be commended. But surely there are some of you out there who struggle with questions about boundaries. And I would like to know if you are always respectful, or if you tried to renegotiate terms? At any point you argued against boundaries to live an authentic life for yourself? Or have you ever respected boundaries that grew to resentment that manifested into more problems down the line?

I would love to hear your stories.

[DonnaT]

1. What are the boundries that you have established with your SO?

No going out close to home.

I don't wear the wig, makeup or forms around the house. Not a boundary she set, but one I set on myself knowing what she's truly comfortable (if you could call it that) with.

I've told her she can tell whomever she feels she needs to.

2. Do you resent the boundries?

Yes, but I respect her need to set them.

3. Do you ever try to break them or push them?

Yes. If I hadn't I'd never been able to venture out in public. Not a lot of people like being cooped up in the house. Took 30 years to get there. Patience and continued conversation are essential.

[mklinden2010]

The boundaries I have set with my SO is to put her and our interests first. She's never said anything to me about her setting boundaries on my CDing. I suppose, since she agrees with my management of things, that she doesn't feel she has to...

Given these boundaries, there's not much to resent. You can't snow ski every minute of everyday, you can't eat a barrel of chocolate a week, you do have to go to work sometimes and deal with clients and customers who - in that setting - get to be "right." And, things like family holidays are for "family time." It pays to be reasonable.

I break or push the boundaries we have all the time, but nothing breaks. I ordered Spring shoes last week without announcing it first. The Fedex truck came and went and she came home as I was swapping outfits to see which worked best with what. "Good fit" was her comment. Mine was, "Are there things in the car to unload?"

By the way, the wig issue commonly freaks out SOs. My way of dealing with the possible "shock" - back then - was just to tell her in advance what I was going to do - and then I did it. She was bit wide-eyed for a short time. But, since I didn't suddenly change colors or anything she quickly got used to it. Wig... Hat... Just something on your head.

Something I didn't expect from her was her co-opting my earrings and so forth. I don't mind so much, but I'd appreciate a little advance notice. There are times when I say, "You didn't spend money on those did you? I think I have some just like that." She'll wink and say, "You did."

[Lorileah]

I think most of my limits were self imposed. The worst I remember is a rolling of her eyes when I did something. I guess that was the boundary sign.

Now in a broader sense, I am too feral to accept boundaries in most situations. First I don't like being controlled and second I like pushing others buttons.

[Wen4cd]

The boundary is neglecting. It is a sense that something does not fit into the scheme of an 'acceptable' life, either into our relationship, or into our deeply personal growth, and that no plausible benefit comes from it.

It's vague. I guess an example would be 'escape' dressing. Or if she sensed 'distance' gathered around periods of my dressing or integrating, or if dressing made me less assertive or attentive to the needs of the family's comfort, togetherness, and continual growth.

On a practical side, there are no potential limits on 'what' I wear...unless there are, and this seems tied to an innate aesthetic sense. She doesn't impose small things like a dress code, but if something punches her sense of aesthetics in the face, even if she says nothing (especially if she says nothing!) I get the feedback from it.

And even that is kind of vague, and always crosses the border between crossdressing and non-crossdressing. With her, crossdressing is not 'there' as a separate issue. It's all part of me, and issues with me that do concern her don't harken back to dressing, but they can show up in it as they can show up anywhere else.

With us, that 'issue' is much more related to my tendency to not react well to her tendency to not react well to my not reacting well to her reactions of my reactions to her reaction to mine...ad infinitum.

Neither of us are quite sure how to act, or how to react, to anything, and it can get kind of silly as we hammer our way through life learning, all the while sure that everyone else but us knows just exactly how to live.

[suchacutie]

If you wanted to eat greasy pizza every day and started to get heart disease, and your wife was insistant that you stop this activity, would you be resentful?

Marriage is a verb! It takes work and compromise and transgenderism is not outside of that sphere. Why is this different from who does the laundry or if one or the other of you can/should act independently on any issue?

For my situation it comes down to doing anything as long as we both agree to it, including the fact that when she needs her man, she gets him. Why would I want to make the woman I love, and who loves me, uncomfortable? What advantage is there in that? In your case I'm sure she's struggling with many issues about the years of deception on this issue. I think she needs some slack and a big "thank you" for trying to work this out at all!

just my

tina

[mklinden2010]

[QUOTE=But I feel I must at least acknowledge and explore my darkest thoughts to better understand myself, my priorities, and my direction. Right now, I am VERY concerned about escalation. I don't want to lose my wife, but I don't want to suppress myself to a level of resentment, which I feel many CDers do. My heart breaks for the CDers here who have a don't ask, don't tell policy. To me, that kind of distance and lonliness would be very damaging to my marriage, though I hear many are successful in this arrangement.

Now all of you seem very respectful and admirable in this forum, and if you are being honest, then you should be commended. But surely there are some of you out there who struggle with questions about boundaries. And I would like to know if you are always respectful, or if you tried to renegotiate terms? At any point you argued against boundaries to live an authentic life for yourself? Or have you ever respected boundaries that grew to resentment that manifested into more problems down the line?

I would love to hear your stories.[/QUOTE]


Sorry, Tanya, I don't think I read your second post before replying this morning.

Your current situation sounds more like the many years with my now deceased wife. She and I had our ups and downs on CDing and other issues and I had to keep putting forth that, as a matter of self-respect, that I too had an agenda to meet in our lives and that I needed to work it for both our sakes.

Being together unhappy is not an acceptable goal when you and your SO only have this one life to live - together or apart. Happiness together, or, happiness apart is the goal in life. "If you're happier and I'm happier then we're doing the right thing." How we and/or "we" work that out is up to us - but we have to work at it.

It may be that "working it" for any particular person may involve going out dressed, sexual experimentation, doing "wild" things, doing what turn out to be silly things, just doing totally normal things to see what difference it might make. My take on Maslow's hierarchy of needs and the goal of "self-actualization" tends to support myself, or, anyone doing what they need to do to become comfortable with who and what they are.

My SO and I would not now have the "self-managing for our happiness" relationship we have today had my former wife and I not "grown up" as we worked with these issues. By the time of her death, we'd had these worked out for years, so it was much easier to be a better person, CDer or not, in the next relationship.

I'm the better person I am today because I picked good people to work with - and because I chose to be happier all along - and did what I needed to do about it.

[Elsa von Spielburg]

With my GF, she's been very open to dressing as a bedroom thing (which it is for me) and something to enjoy outside on occasion. She knows Revan it's not the dominant part of my person, and that's where I'm at right now so we're both comfortable with it. If it ever evolves to more day-to-day, I'm sure we'd talk and she'll be able to roll with the punches just fine.

[kimdl93]

lots of good advice - so I have little to add, except that you expressed both a concern and a desire to escalate. Since you've come out to your SO fairly recently, you're naturally experiencing a sense of freedom that you'd not experienced before. Enjoy that, of course, perhaps it would be better to think about how and appreciate just how much you've recently gained and give each other time to acclimate to your new reality. If you remain interested, commicative and supportive of each other, it may be easier to introduce new things - she may even begin to suggest new things that broaden your experience over time.

[Alicia.80]

Don't have any.

[Joanne f]

As far as CDing go`s there are no boundaries set for me so i respect that by setting my own .
I have other issues which my wife knows off which she sort of has boundaries on but i know if i really wanted to i could push them but i understand her side of things so i do not resent her point of view.

We all have to live by some sort of boundaries whether it is self imposed or imposed upon you , that is a fact of life but in a relationship it should be thought of as respect or consideration of the other person , i am sure that there are things that you would not want your wife to do and i would imagine that your wife respects this don`t you think that you should show your wife some respect as well .

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Ah, none really...oh wait, breast implants are out!!!! other than that there isn't any....

[ReineD]

The only rule we've ever had is that if when out dressed, either one of us ever felt uncomfortable, then we should just say so and then leave.

This also applies at home. By this I mean that if she feels she wants to get back to guy mode, she can do so without giving me any explanation. Or if we have plans to go out dressed and for some reason I find I'm turned off by the whole thing, I can say so and she'll get back to guy mode, no questions asked.

I have never felt the need to ask her to change. She, on the other hand, has often decided she wanted to get back to guy mode. I've also often suggested we do things in femme mode, but she has declined, and I've respected her decisions fully.

In terms of how my SO chooses to present herself, I cannot in all conscience decide for her what it is she needs to do in order to make herself feel good. And she does discuss any major changes she wants to undertake with me, not to get my permission, but out of common consideration,

[NicoleScott]

Tanya, you asked for our stories, so here's mine:
My wife knows, accepts, supports, and even encourages. I can dress up at home - the works: makeup, wig, high heels, clothes, jewelry, perfume, eyelashes - and when away from home in a hotel room. But she doesn't want me to go out or reveal my cd-ing to friends and family. And she doesn't participate other than snapping a few pics if I ask. No sex when dressed up.
I don't want to come out to friends or family, so that's not a problem. And no sex while en femme os OK as well. And I'm, OK with her not wanting to participate. But I want to go out some, and I have, when and where I can discretely, when out of town. She just fears I'll be outed.
I am one of those cd's for whom Don't Ask Don't Tell works well. She knows, but doesn't really want to know, and that works for us. I know it won't work for everyone, so I don't advocate Don't Ask Don't Tell for all.
But if my wife wouldn't allow me to wear a wig or makeup, that would be a big deal, because just throwing on a dress doesn't do it for me. I need the whole thing. I think I would have to find a way to dress privately when and where I could dress and make up completely as I like to do.
My ex-wife divorced me because I am a cd, even though she never saw me en femme. Just knowing was enough for her. Zero tolerance. I feel lucky now to have a wife who accepts my cd-ing. What works for us is a great deal of openness and acceptance, some agreement on boundaries, and a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy on the one area of difference.

[Danielle Gee]

Hi Ladies:
My Wife has only a few boundries set for me. The biggie is that I'm careful the kids don't find out. I was careless with some photos years ago and my youngest saw them and asked my wife "Who is this Mommie?" My wife never quite got over that.

Mostly she realizes what a bunch of "Knuckle-dragging - mouth breathing - S**T Kicking - inbred - a$$ holes in this part of Ohio. She fully realizes how difficult it would be to remain in our home after being outed.

So her bottom line is "BE CAREFUL"

Danielle

[Mirani]

"Be honest with me"
"Don't make me guess what is going on in your mind"
"no stubble"

[Deborah Jane]

Zero, zilch, nothing....Sheila has no boundaries whatsoever regarding my crossdressing

[t-girlxsophie]

When me and my Wife met I don't remember us actually sitting down and Creating Boundaries,but rather we let the cards fall as they may in most things,There is things I know myself NOT to do e.g. go out locally,tell anyone about Sophie without consultation first.but I have never been Told not to do this or that,We are a Partnership after all so we approach my dressing as such,we discuss whether this thing or that thing is feasible.

I can only remember one occasion when she said NO and in hindsight she was 100% right,hey! wifey knows best you know

[Schatten Lupus]

Her boundries were just to not go along too fast, but it's becoming apparent that any progress will be too fast for her. I came out to her almost two years ago, and today working on my voice and wearing my breast forms, even just on ocassion, are too much for her. I have tried to explain to her that they are things she will have to get used to if we are to make it as a couple, but it seems to depress her more than anything.

[Jennifer in CO]

Long long time ago my wifes boundaries were "so long as you don't want to BE a girl". For the first year+ of our marriage about half the time I was en-fem when we made love. For the next almost 5 years it was all the time as I was full time living as a girl. For the last 27 years sex while en-fem stopped. At her request, the last 10 years have been wear whatever so long as it doesn't "look" fem.

Jenn