Ideas? Reassurances to wife "if others find out”

[Stefia S]

I am preparing to tell my wife about my crossdressing in the next few months, or as soon as I'm back to earning income (as a consultant) more reliably. I found the sticky thread on “How to Tell Your Partner” really helpful and supportive - thank you Marla GG!. Of all the common questions, the one I am most at loss to answer is “What will others think”” and related to it, ”What will we say to others or do if others find out?” I think our response would depend on the person and situation; though be quite straight with them. However, I’m trying to figure out more to say to reassure my wife than just "it'll depend". Would some of you share with me what reassurances you made with your partners about "if others find out" that were successful? Thank you in advance for sharing!

[DonniDarkness]

Stefia,

The answer to your question depends on where your path in TG life is going. The best thing is to say is "We will just have to be extra careful" if she has reservations about secrecy safety.

But if your telling her because you want to shout from the rooftops "I am all that is STEFIA", then you will obviously need more of an explanation for people when they meet your girl side.
I wish i could help more but, am not in the position to give you advice on this avenue of TG Life

Trying to help anyway tho,
-Donni-

[mklinden2010]

I am preparing to tell my wife about my crossdressing in the next few months, or as soon as I'm back to earning income (as a consultant) more reliably. I found the sticky thread on “How to Tell Your Partner” really helpful and supportive - thank you Marla GG!. Of all the common questions, the one I am most at loss to answer is “What will others think”” and related to it, ”What will we say to others or do if others find out?” I think our response would depend on the person and situation; though be quite straight with them. However, I’m trying to figure out more to say to reassure my wife than just "it'll depend". Would some of you share with me what reassurances you made with your partners about "if others find out" that were successful? Thank you in advance for sharing!

Well, good luck in bringing this up to your wife - now. Many will tell you that you are already in plenty of hot water for not already having come out to your wife. And, that will probably turn out to be the case. Preparing carefully is your best "Plan B." Good luck with that.

Other people you know will probably not like this, hearing about this "now" so much either. You may have better luck, at times, with people who don't know you at all. Like telling people you meet in bars or at airports. They have nothing invested, no prior expectations, fewer reasons to care as much as the others.

In all this, I think it's a good question, "How is this facet of myself a plus in any way?" What do YOU really think is "good" about crossdressing? How does it make you a better person, a better husband, a better friend, a better co-worker, a better neighbor, a better uncle, a better member of the church, etc.?

The question on most people's mind, if they are "open" to the idea, is: "Yeah, so?"

Be prepared to have some answers to such open questions that makes sense to you and them so that they don't go from sitting on the fence to jumping off on the side opposite you...

My SOs have always considered the pros and cons to the situation - after I present it - and they, at the very least, say, "I like you. I like you anyway. What do you think of the new hamburger joint on Main Street?" Friends and neighbors say about the same things. It doesn't come up much at work - work is enough to deal with as it is most of the time.

No matter who you are or what you do, some people will always like things about you, and others will dislike things about you. Often these "things" are the very same things about you - only the people casting the votes are different. Bottom line, do what you like, be prepared to defend yourself (and others) against personal attacks, and be willing to put up with the fact that not everyone will always like you or others, no matter what else is going on.

I have never made any assurances to my SOs about anything along the lines of "when others find out." I just make sure that people know something of my good character, hard work, honesty, sense of humor, etc. That I have different opinions, hobbies, habits, and ideas from others, doesn't mean I have to, or, that being in some way different is any threat to anyone.

My SOs, meanwhile, have mostly just ignored the possibility. "If they like us they like us. If they don't they don't. Life goes on, either way."

Nobody else pays our mortgage, washes us off in the shower, or has promised to "love, honor, cherish and obey" either of us. We worry about ourselves and what we think first - and I think everyone we know knows it. Some people actually like that about us... Then again...

[Sara Jessica]

Congratulations on taking that step towards disclosure to your wife.

Personally I've gone from absolute inner-terror several years ago at the thought to where I am now, that I'm not going to TRY to out myself but if it happens, the world wouldn't end and I'd be prepared to face it with honesty. My own sticking point is my kids, that I don't need this whole thing to bleed into the community at large to where they'd hear about it at school.

That said, going back to your question, the "what would the neighbors think" is a continual sore spot in my relationship. Despite my preparedness, she would feel nothing but shame and I think the thought of my being outed, hence "us" being outed, causes her the most despair about this whole thing.

So what do I do to assure her? I do set a radius around the home front outside of which my outings occur (thus substantially decreasing the chance of bumping into someone I know). Also keep in mind that in girl mode, we are likely unrecognizable for the most part, or so I've been told by those who have seen me both ways.

This stuff of course applies if you go out and about. If you keep it inside, there's little chance of being outed absent picture posting (and again, how "recognizable" are you?).

Good luck!!!

[Sheila]

good luck, let her know about the FAB forum here where she can come talk to us SO's if she would like to

Others finding out hmmmmmmmmm some folks don't care, some do, as I don't have a clue what you wife is like as a person I really can't say, is she shy, fiery, confident etc etc ?????????

Me when the neighbors where I used to live found out and caused us crap I took it right into their faces, but that is me, or was then ............ now I think I would handle it slightly differently ............ then again maybe not ........ was a crowd of estate loudmouth yobs ............. had it been adult neighbors knocking on door and asking in a calm reasonable manner I would have asked them in and made them a cuppa and talked to them .......... each of us will react to different circumstances differently .......... trust in your wife and her ability to deal with things in her way if oyu have to ............... you can of course talk with her and go over several different "What If" scenarios for you both

[Cheryl T]

Well, we just agreed that we don't care what the neighbors think. We go out together all the time, day or night, and if a neighbor sees me I just smile and wave.
The flip side is that we don't want close friends or relatives to know so we keep it close to the vest on that front. If they do find out we will deal with it accordingly.
Of course my male cousin wouldn't bat an eye as he's gay and would most certainly understand, not that I plan to tell him.

[Stefia S]

Thank you for your responses! I realize a bit more background would be helpful. Early in our relationship, I let my wife know that I crossdressed occasionally (at that time I never went out in public); she was surprised, pretty much chose not to learn more, and to move on with our relationship. I stopped crossdressing once we moved in together and purged my clothes when we got married, so I had stopped crossdressing for about 20 years. It's only been in the last year that I started crossdressing again (methinks its my mid-life crisis). I learned that I can pass in public after having a makeover at a local transformation shop, then having practiced at home and further in public.

I feel I've re-discovered a facet of myself I had shut out for far too long - and would like to crossdress and go out in public regularly, though I am not interested in transitioning, nor having intimate relationships with others. Before I begin to network in person with others TG's locally, I need to share this part of me with my wife. I am pretty confident we have the relational skills to address this surprise development. I realize that I need to gather up my courage to initiate this revelation to my wife though.

And yes, it's mostly close friends and relatives I am concerned about, less so about neighbors and acquantances. So, I have made it a point not to go out in public en femme within 1/2 hour of our home.

[ReineD]

It's a difficult question to answer simply because people will have varied responses and you cannot predict all of them. You can search your heart and try to be realistic about how the people who are close and not so close to you might react, and talk to your wife about how best to deal with it should they find out.

Based on personal observation and experience, this is what I do know:

People who don't know us (strangers we encounter when out in the next town over), mostly do not notice, and if they do, they keep their opinions to themselves. We do get some stares which I found difficult at first, but now I stare them back down. Sales staff and restaurant personnel are always courteous. Also, my SO is careful to not put herself in unsafe situations, such as going to straight clubs late at night where there are potentially drunk homo/trans-phobics.

Some friends and family will accept, and others won't. The ones who don't will likely be polite but they will distance themselves from you. You and your wife will need to decide if you can live without these people in your lives. Do anticipate some talk and gossip. Unfortunately it is human nature.

Only you can determine how open the people in your workplace would be, and whether or not your job would be threatened should your employers find out. Each work situation is different.

What to say if others do find out? Simply tell them you are transgendered, and do your best to explain what this means to you.

[suzy1]

I take it you don’t have children. So no problem there then?

[mklinden2010]

Thank you for your responses! I realize a bit more background would be helpful. Early in our relationship, I let my wife know that I crossdressed occasionally (at that time I never went out in public); she was surprised, pretty much chose not to learn more, and to move on with our relationship. I stopped crossdressing once we moved in together and purged my clothes when we got married, so I had stopped crossdressing for about 20 years. It's only been in the last year that I started crossdressing again (methinks its my mid-life crisis). I learned that I can pass in public after having a makeover at a local transformation shop, then having practiced at home and further in public.

I feel I've re-discovered a facet of myself I had shut out for far too long - and would like to crossdress and go out in public regularly, though I am not interested in transitioning, nor having intimate relationships with others. Before I begin to network in person with others TG's locally, I need to share this part of me with my wife. I am pretty confident we have the relational skills to address this surprise development. I realize that I need to gather up my courage to initiate this revelation to my wife though.

And yes, it's mostly close friends and relatives I am concerned about, less so about neighbors and acquantances. So, I have made it a point not to go out in public en femme within 1/2 hour of our home.

I think the mid-life crisis notion is on the mark. There are things that you have done, and things that you "sometimes" meant to do, that find their time and place.

Your task seems fairly simple, "Dear, I have something on my mind that's been on my mind for a while. I feel...."

Be sure and say, "Feel." Nobody has to argue feelings and nobody really can. "If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel."

Last, in reading this post and others, I am reminded that surprise and judgement about CDing works both ways. I went to an early "hate crime" meeting years ago after work. I got there late and just took the only seat available without talking to anyone. I sat on the front row as the cops gave a talk to a room full of TG people.

After the meeting, I started talking to the CDers in the room that I knew and they were upset that I knew their names - then when they realized who I was their jaws simply dropped: "I can't believe it's you... You look so different! I thought you were... Uh... You look so different!"

This happened over and over again (it was a big meeting) and it was discussed later at another meeting. Seems people were upset that they saw a stranger and assumed all sorts of things about why this "guy" was there and what he was up to. People were upset that they saw a crossdresser, crossdressed as a man, and couldn't just live and let live.

I still find that amusing - and informative. I'm the same person no matter what I wear and I make sure to remind people of that by just being myself.

My SOs always get this and it may be why my CDing is not a big issue in our lives:

"Everyone wears clothes. But, not everyone is as nice as you."

Be nice and the world will usually be nice to you...

[Stefia S]

I take it you don’t have children. So no problem there then?

Thank goodness we don't have children! It would be that much more difficult for sure!

[Stefia S]

I think the mid-life crisis notion is on the mark. There are things that you have done, and things that you "sometimes" meant to do, that find their time and place.

Your task seems fairly simple, "Dear, I have something on my mind that's been on my mind for a while. I feel...."

Be sure and say, "Feel." Nobody has to argue feelings and nobody really can. "If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel."

Last, in reading this post and others, I am reminded that surprise and judgement about CDing works both ways. I went to an early "hate crime" meeting years ago after work. I got there late and just took the only seat available without talking to anyone. I sat on the front row as the cops gave a talk to a room full of TG people.

After the meeting, I started talking to the CDers in the room that I knew and they were upset that I knew their names - then when they realized who I was their jaws simply dropped: "I can't believe it's you... You look so different! I thought you were... Uh... You look so different!"

This happened over and over again (it was a big meeting) and it was discussed later at another meeting. Seems people were upset that they saw a stranger and assumed all sorts of things about why this "guy" was there and what he was up to. People were upset that they saw a crossdresser, crossdressed as a man, and couldn't just live and let live.

I still find that amusing - and informative. I'm the same person no matter what I wear and I make sure to remind people of that by just being myself.

My SOs always get this and it may be why my CDing is not a big issue in our lives:

"Everyone wears clothes. But, not everyone is as nice as you."

Be nice and the world will usually be nice to you...

The task is simple - it's the sorting out and processing I've had to do over the past year, to feel out how dedicated I am to exploring my "supressed" self, and to be able to articulate things for myself first, including the "I feel" part (excellent tip) and finally getting my courage up. It's all coming together now.

About how CDing works both ways - I was shopping about 1 hr from where I live and realized that an admin I knew from where I once worked was in the lingerie section across the bras from me. She glanced at me, wikthout much reaction, so I'm reasonably sure she had not recognized me, but I moved on to be safe. It amazes me how people often see what they want to/expect to see (a woman) so things can continue to make sense to them.

Fia

[Jean Dressler]

I think it all depends how you plan to live your feminine life, how frequently you plan on dressing-up and where you intend to express you feminine self. Are you planning to be your feminine self outside your home and close to where you live? The other significant aspect of your forthcoming “outing” is whether or not you will get an opportunity to discuss the question of “What will others think”. Not meaning to put a downer on your plans but doesn’t it all depend on how your wife reacts to your news. Plan your announcement carefully and I wish you all the best.
Regards,
Jean

[DonniDarkness]

Stefia,


I can relate to this last statement of yours:

The task is simple - it's the sorting out and processing I've had to do over the past year, to feel out how dedicated I am to exploring my "supressed" self, and to be able to articulate things for myself first, including the "I feel" part (excellent tip) and finally getting my courage up. It's all coming together now.

My situation is somewhat different, but in the same right, just alike.

My wife has known since a year into our relationship, my path has been an "in and out of the box" life experience, and figuring out things for yourself is or was for me, the hardest part of self-realization. You have to figure out a lot of "where exactly you ARE NOW", and then "where will this path lead you"....once you figure that out, the rest is just speaking without thinking. It becomes; (what someone else has said) How you feel. And that IS what you need to know before you continue further.

Your on the right track..... prepare for the worst and hope for the best...

Another CD with a great SO,
-Donni-