Excuse me, sir, but, wtf am I?

[Ze]

It's so funny that you say that, because Ze was my first friend on here! Every time he would respond to my posts, it was as if we were the same person,

Dude, I am so freaking happy you're back!

I've even added him on messenger (though we don't talk much... probably my fault ><) I'm really looking forward to his reply to this, actually =P

My fault, too, actually... I'm not a big IM-er.

I just returned from my first big move to Boston, so I'm going to carefully read your OP and appropriately respond at a later point. I need to get my bearings in the meantime.

[Thomas]

Woo! welcome back Ze! Missed ya buddy

And yeah.. I kindof wrote a novel xD so it's understandable that you'd wanna wait till you could focus on it better. Thanks for taking the time to drop a note. I actually saw you sign into messenger the other day, but when I went to say hi you were offline o-o bah.

[Ze]

Read your whole post and all the responses, and after reading all that, I'm ashamed to admit I have nothing more to add. Everybody's already said it all, and much better than I ever could have.

Tamara indeed pegged it, too; I definitely relate to what you're talking about. It's all incredibly maddening. You think you know the answer, and then you think you don't; and yet while thinking that, you still think you do! I also really understand that "so exhausted you stop correcting people" thing. It happens so often that you just get worn. You care and it hurts, but you've mentally checked out for the day beyond your control. Like you said, disheartening.

I'm truly sorry I have nothing new or brilliant to add, but I still really do relate.

I actually saw you sign into messenger the other day, but when I went to say hi you were offline o-o bah.

It's the ninja in me.

[Thomas]

Aw, shame =P I was looking forward to Ze's words of wisdom.

But its good to know you can relate. Makes me think maybe one day I can sort my brain out and start thinking about serious things like coming out to the family (eep. I wouldn't even CONSIDER that at this point. I haven't even told my own therapist o__o)

But yeah, gives me hope an stuff xD whenever someone says "I was just like you when I was your age" I mentally imagine myself becoming similar to them in the future. hah.

And I've realized that I don't know myself quite as well as I thought I did. Time to go on that mental journey of self-discovery once again. @_@ I really hope this cycle doesn't continue repeating itself... cause that's going to make me nuts!

But, as I told Kieron, I'm still young, and being young is all about learning and changing. So I guess now's a good time to figure this stuff out. -shrug-

[Ze]

That's definitely a good attitude to have. And I'd encourage you to come out to your therapist; especially since I've been in the same boat as you with coming out to the family, the therapist was one of my better decisions. Does s/he have any experience with gender identity at all?

[Thomas]

I haven't the slightest clue. She's kindof odd though.. I don't know how she'll react to it or even if she'll understand. There have been a few occasions where I thought I explained something very clearly and thoroughly, only to find out she had somehow completely misunderstood o_o; So I'm hesitant to breach the subject really.

[Ze]

Hmm...finding a good gender therapist might be key for you by this point. Start googling things like "gender therapist in [state]" and take it from there. That's how I got started, anyway. Sucks, but starting out is always the hardest. After that, you start making connections.

[Thomas]

Well actually I was going to transfer therapists before, but it turns out our insurance only covers the therapists at my doctor's office. and I already transfered once before... it's a pain to start over again. So I'm just going to have to deal with her for now. Mother doesn't even think I should go to therapy at all, but she's still paying for it, so I don't really want to press the issue.

[Ze]

You going to college at all right now? I found out (quite late in the game; d'oh!) that many colleges offer free therapy via licensed therapists and psychiatrists and work through the school. Miraculously, I actually found someone who was gender savvy in my own backwards, redneck, conservative college. So if that's an option, check that out. I myself have problems affording therapy (though I desperately need it); only major downside with going through the school is you have to fly solo when school's out. Summers are particularly rough, depending on how dependent you are on therapy. (I'm fairly dependent.)

[Thomas]

Hm that's interesting, I'll look into that. Just going to community college for now, transferring later (hopefully to a university in Japan o_o; If we can afford it. I'm nuts) So I'm not sure if a little community college will have any therapists on staff or not but it's worth checking out. And yeah.. summer might be tough. Hmm. I'll see what I can find out, thanks

[AnonyMouse]

Thomas, you are like my twin from another reality. I had almost the exact same identity crisis a few months ago... and I'm liable to end up in a community college until I can transfer. (Not to Japan, though. Just Oregon.)

For what it's worth, I eventually figured out that my problem wasn't that I didn't really feel male, but that I didn't live up to the standards of "manhood" that I perceived as coming from the heteronormative group. (I still don't really identify as a man - too many associated connotations.) I had to get my head around the fact that a guy could actually have feminine tendencies, like wearing girls' clothes occasionally, and stuff like that. After all, cisboys do it all the time and we don't force them to relinquish their male identity, so why can't anyone else?

Wearing girls' clothes on occasion doesn't make you cisgendered; it makes you a transvestite. Cisvestite? Dunno exactly, but it's nothing to be too worried about. It's just one of the ways you like to express yourself.

I've been through the same exact things, and it's very tempting for me to dish everything out so you can see exactly how much we've had in common, but I can sum it up with a quick: yeah, there's a lot of self-discovery involved. Androgyny may work for you or it may not. Don't try too hard to live up to any one label (I think someone said that already); take your feelings as they come and see where they lead you. And stuff.

Also, any time you're feeling introspective and need to sort stuff out, posting it is a good idea. Writing, as I've found, is the best way to sort your feelings into something coherent; it's also easier to write (to an audience or yourself) than it is to talk to someone in person. Plus you get a lot of people who show up to reassure you that you're not a total freak.