Hi All,
Well it has been well over a year since I was outed. I happened so, my diary and my work calendar are made by the same company. I always have my calendar with me at work so I can write done the crap I do and any problems that occur, CYA is a good thing to always do.
Well, a relative needed an idea and the wife suggested that she get me a calendar for work. Stupid me always left my diary in plain view, cause I really don't like hiding stuff, seems shameful. The missus picked up my diary thinking it was my calendar, which still doesn't make sense since I said that it was at work.
She opened it and read. My last entry was neither a nice entry or slightly mean. I was internally enraged by an incident about my birthday gift, another story another time. I was full metal ranting in dumbass mode. I said some things that now seem childish. In the end, I was outed and that cat was no longer in the area to place back in it's bag.
We went through the hurt phase, the rage phase and then the "don't ask don't tell" phase (I hate Clinton very very much for that idiom). Well, the dadt phase brought self doubt, confusion, some inanimate object punching and depression.
My colleagues that know me; my work me not my she me, saw this too and one said maybe I should see a therapist to talk things out. SO I did. I just recently started talking about my SHe thing and I am comfortable about getting it out.
Last month, on vacation, we were informed that a young relative came out of her closet and well it was like the number one topic. The missus was and still is of the opinion that she is going through a phase. Even though the girl has explicitly said she is a lesbian. But it was easy to talk and the parents were alright with the whole situation. Every one was okay with this revelation.
Now fast forward to last Friday. At dinner, about the only time I can really try and talk about me or anything, I had just had a session and had talked about how maybe the missus can get some cooping tools from the other woman on lifestyle issues. The doc said it would be a route that I should take, since she listens a lot to this woman.
Head first I started to discuss the idea of her talking to the woman. Well, dinner was ruined. I got 'the look' as some of you might have noticed all significant others have, but thermal nuclear setting, mega warheads were coming my way.
I knew that if I pushed it would get bad and I mean really bad. So I kept cool and let her verbally assail me with the 'you broke your promise', 'I am hurt', 'how ashamed she is for me' and 'how dare you even suggest this' as well as a diatribe about my therapist inflating my ego, not erasing this mental illness from my head, how she has no clue to the outside world, and she was going to email her and give her a full fledged down dressing for what she has done to me.
Then the missus stormed out and then stormed out of the house for a few hours. This is the third time she has stormed out of the house during past arguments for other petty stuff. I am a firm believer that if it is worth keeping then you hold your position and never NEVER leave, even if it physically or mentally can hurt you.
But this being #3, I took my cue and moved into the home office, not really needing to be in the bed and feel the hate and all emanating from the other side. I have been here for the last three days.
Day 1: How could I's and other recriminations. How ashamed for me's as well as other verbal hammerings that if it weren't for my 9 yrs of military service would cause a lesser man to break and break bad. Even though she had did my work laundry and we made dinner and ate together.
Day 2: Quiet. Dinner was prepared and eaten together. I shored and congregated in the office reading. She came and told me that I should sleep in the bed since it was more comfortable and I had work the next morning. I told her that I was comfortable here and with the current situation I feel I should stay were I was. She then mimicked me and said she was sleeping in the living room because of the situation and I should be sleep more comfortable because of my labor job.
Day 3 (yesterday): She again started in, but the anger was not as intense and she sounded more fact-ish. She also commented that since I have late shifts and I will be home alone (without any control or detriment to letting the girl out) she wanted me to leave her clothes alone. <sidebar action>: if she were as big as me then I would really have issues of me wearing her clothes but I am a way bit bigger built and my labor job requires lots of heavy lifting that cause muscular growth irregardless of what she or any other would know. I just watched as she collected the bras from the drying rack and leave the room.
Right now I am hunkered down and keeping vigilant, since the missus known to cause 'I'm sorry-sneak attacks' that turn the emotional tables and make one feel miserable. I have lived this before and well after my outing. And yes, I do love her and care for her, it is just my inner needs peace of mind. At the dinner table a few words were exchanged and she asked me why I talked about it. I told her I feel wrong about how this goes around. I feel like I am the one that is being s sneaky cretin and it isn't right. Again she said I was mentally ill, not in a nice playful manner.
I know I am hurt. My usual talkative workself is over quiet and two of my coworkers that know I have unidentified problems with the missus know that it is my way of working through it.
Am I wrong in wanting to explore myself and this side, even if the 'SO' is of the opinion I am mentally ill and is sickened by me. Should I think of leaving the battlefield and accepting the loss or should I stick it out and hope that she might come around and see she has yet to say anything that would really mean she is realizing that it is what it is and nothing more.
I would appreciate comments, but no email, please. I know that there are a few out there that have had similar situations and need to know what I should be think about or doing. Thanks for the eyes and ears for my not so little post.
Jonique Patricia