The double-life is exhausting

[Ze]

I'm sure most people here can relate.

It was always tough, sure, but ever since I registered with a grad school a few months back that respects me as male, it's gotten even harder. The tiniest things have the potential to explode in my face a lot easier now. (e.g. For months I've had to get to the the mail before anyone else since stuff now comes in under my preferred name.) I always have to keep in check what I've said to who and which people know what about me. My excuses have become frequent and increasingly elaborate. I have to be constantly alert about every little thing. I can't let my fur down for two seconds.

Basically, since I'm moving and all that, I'm trying to move from a "female" life to my male one without either side of the fence being the wiser. But they can clash quite easily, especially since I was supposed to have been moved in exactly one month ago. Not that I'm bitter.

I have two different names, two different wardrobes, two different "personalities," two different ways of walking and talking and eating and...you get the point. Everything about me must be catered to my environment at any given moment.

I don't know how guys can have, like, 35-year-long affairs and not burn out. I wouldn't be dealing with all this unless I absolutely had to!

I can't wait until I'm settled in next week. (I hope) it'll finally be over. And then when I come out to the family (safely away from them), it will be. If they accept me, cool. If not, they can suck my latex.

But yeah, I think I'm going to collapse on the floor of my apartment late Sunday evening and just not get up for a week. Just had to say that.

[4serrus]

I escape into music a lot and just lie around like a lump when it gets too tiring. My ipod saves my life a lot. :P I bet you'll feel so much awesome once you're in Boston and can give up the freakin charade already.

[Thornton]

If not, they can suck my latex.

Awesome. :Thornton:

[Persephone]

Oh boy, Ze, do I know what you're talking about!

Take this morning for example . . . My son has a friend visiting him so "Dad" has to be the one wandering around the house.

They took off this morning to do touristy things, so my spouse turned to me and said, "Shall we go exercise?"

We're members of a women-only exercise facility so it was quickly shave, toss on forms, bra, femme t-shirt and shorts, apply makeup, do hair, and head out the door.

After an hour of workout with a dozen other women, we're finished and stop off at the local market to pick up a few items.

They don't have one of the items we wanted and my spouse asked one of the floor managers about it. She ran around checking and then got into a conversation with us about the item, which led to how it had been a part of our diet, which let to how we'd lost weight, which led to a discussion of Weight Watchers®, which got her all excited about the program.

So now we've got her turned on to joining Weight Watchers. Great for everyone! Only, uh, "he" goes to the meetings, so if she shows up we're going to have to have a cover . . .

Oh! Yeah! Twins! That's it! "He" is my twin!

Sigh, you get the picture.

One thing for sure, Ze, you end up keeping your mind razor sharp!

Hugs,
Persephone.

P.S. - I saw your Faux Schizzle pics and thought you looked seriously awesome! One good looking dude!

[Ze]

I escape into music a lot and just lie around like a lump when it gets too tiring. My ipod saves my life a lot. :P I bet you'll feel so much awesome once you're in Boston and can give up the freakin charade already.

Yeah, music has been there for me, too. Glad you have a place to hide out when need be.

Awesome. :Thornton:

I've patented that phrase, but you're welcome to borrow it when the need arises.

P.S. - I saw your Faux Schizzle pics and thought you looked seriously awesome! One good looking dude!

Aw shucks. Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy you ladies humoring me?

But yeah, what's even harder is the "switching" back and forth so often on any given day. And I'm sure you as well have to do somewhat of a mental readjustment every time, too. Like many said in another thread of mine in the TS section, it's being so in-between that seems to make it all even harder. I can't wait until I'm "just" full-time.

[Faith_G]

Yeah, it does wear on you pretty badly. I just got a two day break from the craziness because my body couldn't deal with a simple sore throat, I wound up with a bad infection and a 104 degree fever. I think I was just to worn out to fight it and it pretty much kicked my butt.

[Ze]

Yeah, I can relate to that, too. The stress can really wear on your immune system and then makes you sick and all that not-fun stuff.

I hope you're feeling better now.

And I notice you're going full-time just a few days after me! If I was still in PA by that point, I'd throw us a party!

[Lorileah]

they can suck my latex.

Warning product may contain latex and cause allergic reaction. If you are allergic to latex or anything that contains latex we suggest that you consult Ze for alternative items that may substitute for said latex.

and it wasn't 35 years only 14 Try to keep your stories similar, you know, choose a movie you saw, steal that story line. Mine was about a huge great white shark and a tourist town and a bigger boat.

[Ze]

Warning product may contain latex and cause allergic reaction. If you are allergic to latex or anything that contains latex we suggest that you consult Ze for alternative items that may substitute for said latex.

Added disclaimer: Alternatives not available until after his bottom surgery.

[Fab Karen]

Yeah, having to watch the mail for example would be stressful. Don't know if you could've gotten a P.O. box, but that would've been one thing less.
Guess it's soon over ( if it isn't, just call your new friends who offered help, and get the hell outta there ), so keep that in focus.

[Midnight Skye]

That's just... um... yeah... wow... I hope the move goes well Ze... but leading an elaborate double life, you sound like a spy? I bet if you applied for the FBI as both identities you'd get a job

I've been living a double life without much social interaction... and I thought I was going crazy... sigh life's too complicated Ze. I should send you a box of cookies

[Nicole Erin]

So to go to PA you have to dress as a woman?
THAT, sir, means you are a crossdresser.
Men are not suppose to wear women's clothing!

OK kidding aside, yeah it can be kind of strange.
Normally I present as female as best I can, but going to dad's house, I have to dig up that oil-stained man shirt I keep at the bottom of the dresser.

[Miranda09]

Face it Ze...you're just a man of mystery!!!!!!!!!! As for 35 yr long affairs??? Can't relate...never made it that far in one!!!!!!!!!!

[Felix]

Hi Ze I can totally relate to your situation because I live a double life with my family or the vast majority of them because I'm under threat never to tell my mother. It's tiring especially when I've been in hospital and I would love to share with her what I'm going through but there's no way. I've nearly slipped up a few times lately but just managed not to

I hope ya Family accept ya dude coz it's a night mare when ya gotta tell white lies all the time I hate it xx Felix

[7sisters]

Ze, you are brilliant. You can do anything! It's just for a while longer. So hold on! Take frequent rests. Get your sleep. Eat well. Yes I too wonder how men can have affairs for 35 years! That was a brilliant observation. LOL Bless you, Ze!

Oh Felix! hugs

[alpha12]

Ze, I can also relate, but not so much with gender identity but with religious identity. Nearly a decade ago, for about ten months, I lived a secular life, exploring normalcy, sexuality, non-kosher food, and normal social interaction on campus M-F and then went back to the life of a religious fundamentalist on the weekends.

It was very hard and I agree, completely exhausting. The riskiness alone is just frustrating.

I'm glad you're resolving it soon. Hope the coming out goes as well as can be expected.

[AnonyMouse]

Odd. I was sure I posted in this thread, but apparently not.

I have to say that, while I definitely go through this, it's less grueling for me than it is for some people. Since most of my trans-dom is had on the Internet or in the safety of my own bedroom, I don't have to juggle different lives too much. Mainly it's what one would refer to as a "dull headache" - constantly omitting certain facts from my dialogue, not correcting people when they refer to me as a girl or talk about something womanly I'm "going to do" in the future, listening to people say dumb things about gender or my gender specifically that make me just want to curl up and die. But I've got a double-dose of it, because I'm also an apostate from our fundamentalist religion, which means that I have to smile and nod while my mum rattles about stuff I don't agree with and go to church periodically so they don't suspect anything.

It's... stressful, yeah. And I can never really get away from it. I am always aware that people see me as a girl and expect me to be interested in feminine things, and that even if I hang out with a lot of guys I will always be perceived as "the girl." It's the same low buzz that I've put up with my entire life, only it's worse since I've realized I'm trans, because now I know they're wrong.