How To Ask

[jessbcuzz]

Ok, I am hoping I can get some advice on this. One of the guys I work with is supposedly gay. I say supposedly, because I hear people say he his, and I don't like to label people unless I have seen or heard it from the horses mouth. I'ave also heard that he dresses as well sometimes. Again, I don't know for sure for the reasons I stated before. Anyhow, he and some of the girls at work went out the other night and they went to a gay bar out of town. One of the girls that went, I worked with the other night, and she made the comment that it was drag night at the gay bar. I was interested, but I didn't want to seem to interested since no one knows about Mileena at work. Anyhow, with her saying that he likes to go to that bar, I am wondering if he is gay. Not that I am interested in that, but I am wondering if he has any CD friends. So with all being said, I am asking you girls for advice on how can I ask if he dresses and if he has any friends that do it as well. The trick is that I don't want to offend him, if all of this isn't true about him. Also, I don't want Mileena exposed until I know for sure. How should I react if he says he isn't into that and doesn't do anyone? What should I do if he goes into shock if I tell him about Mileena? Worse yet, what if he does dress or has friends that do and he doesn't belive me about Mileena? I talk to him all the time, but this is such a difficult topic. Plus, not knowing for sure what he does, makes it seem like this maybe much harder that it really is. I can't talk about it at work because the walls and machines have ears (I hope you girls know what that means). I thought about asking him to meet for breakfast after work (we work at night) so that maybe we could keep the conversation controlled. So, girlfriends, I need some suggestions. Thanks for your help. I love you all!

~hugs~

[Elinor]

Well you could just start with "So and so said she went to >>> and said she saw you there. Whats it like ?
He would answer "Who me no way" or "Yes I go often its fun why not come with me and just hang out with a drink"

I would agree you perhaps would not wish people to know your secret.

I once had a guy at work ask if I was gay. Don't know where that came from.
I just said "Why would you want to know are are YOU?"
I'm not bye the way. I'm a crossdresser I did not tell him that.
Still who what why??
And the end of the day its news for 48 hours then they look for someone else to talk about.

If anyone were to say something you need only say "So and so said she went and saw him so I asked to find out" And your telling the truth.

[jessbcuzz]

Oh yea, that is the other advice I am looking for. I'm not bi or gay, so I don't want it to come across as looking like that is what I am interested in. I'm interested in the possibilty of him and his friends dressing. The reason being that maybe as sisters and girlfriends, we could hang out.

[susandrea]

If it were me I'd pick a quiet time away from others and start out by saying, "I want to ask you a personal question, but I'm not sure how to ask it. I want to tell you ahead of time that I'm supportive and open-minded and want to be your friend. My question is if you're a crossdresser and/or if you're gay." And you better have a darn good reason WHY you're asking.

Then go from there. I'm sure you realize the need for a mature and respectful approach to this situation and your friend's right to privacy. It's so easy to listen to and pass on gossip (as your other friends have obviously done, saying he's gay without knowing for sure) but a real friend knows how to be discrete and careful. Always keep in mind that any information you pass on about someone of this nature can have serious consequences for them, especially depending on where they live. Not because of shame on their part, but because this country is loaded with cruel troublemakers.

So, if you want to be genuinly supportive of ANY of your friends, when others start to gossip about them (for any reason) then change the subject or simply ask them to stop. Discussing someone's sexuality behind their back and making assumptions just because of where they go for a night out is not only unfair it could be very wrong. I know plenty of straight people who go to a gay bar once in awhile because they have friends there.

It's been my experience that there are straight people who are "curious" about alternative sexualities and make friendships to explore that curiosity only to reject it. Unfortunately, the new friend is rejected, too. Because of this, and other reasons, some people are reluctant to tell just anybody the truth, even if they seem supportive. Whatever your friend tells you, accept that as his answer and go from there. Keep it to yourself. He may not be ready to share with you, or he could be telling the truth. You may have to prove you can be trusted first, and the only way to do that is be kind and don't gossip about anyone else, proving your maturity. And keep in mind that it's not your friend's role in life to satisfy your curiosity.

Good luck!

[kysmet]

Well, one way to find out would be to get the girl to invite you the next time they go to that bar again. That way you can ask him in a more conducive environment, unlike asking at the workplace. And you get to scope the place out in boy mode to see if you would like to go there yourself.

Ericka Jean

[racquel]

Just go to him at a quiet time and tell him that your friend told you about the drag night and you have a cross-dressing friend who would probably love going and could you go next time?Will at the least stimulate a conversation about cross-dressing which is where you want it to go. 0.02

[Wenda]

How about calling the bar, finding out when the next drag night is, and just go, maybe in 'sub-drag' ie, subtle makepup, subtle nails, girls pants, stockings, (that you can show, if the situation is right), etc, and find an inconspicuous spot. See who comes in. If the fellow comes, check out the situation, and if it feels right, just go up, say 'hi, hey this seems like a good spot? do you come here often? etc' Your exposure is minimum. just one approach. If he doesn't show your exposure is minimun..." Let us know how it turns out, wenda

[MarinaTwelve200]

Oh yea, that is the other advice I am looking for. I'm not bi or gay, so I don't want it to come across as looking like that is what I am interested in. I'm interested in the possibilty of him and his friends dressing. The reason being that maybe as sisters and girlfriends, we could hang out.

Gays, when they DO CD, may do it for other reasons than a straight person may do it. CDing is symptomatic of several DIFFERENT "conditions" or "motivations" and is not the condition itself, but a tool used by different people with different proclivities to achieve different ends.----CDing does not necessarily mean that those who do it have something in common.

[JayeEdgar]

A few thoughts on this:

(1) Are you sure you wish to tip your hand to any of your coworkers? Office politics, a gossip with a juicy story and a loose tongue, or possibly someone with an ax to grind could have you outed to the entire staff in no time. Besides which, even if they seem to be trustworthy friends now, things may change over time. Do you want to put your secret in their hands?

(2) You could try visiting the bar in question in drab, just to find out what the situation is. Many gay bars are really hangout for all sorts of alternative lifestyles, as they tend to be more tolerant of diversity. Remember though that the bar is a refuge for those who cannot display affection for their same gender in public, and so the patrons tend to be more demonstrative in the confines of a safe environment. You may see kissing and other displays of affection between two members of the same sex. If you do not think you can handle this, it is best not to go.

Also, you may be approached by someone in the bar, so be prepared for it. Generally, a polite (but friendly) declination will suffice, but some guys "on the make" are not dissuaded easily, and can become pests.

(3) Perhaps there is a support group in your area. I have been to several meetings here, but since the closest one is more than an hour and a half away, I do not attend regularly. Nevertheless, they are great places to meet other crossdressers

[Jen_TGCD]

(1) Are you sure you wish to tip your hand to any of your coworkers? Office politics, a gossip with a juicy story and a loose tongue, or possibly someone with an ax to grind could have you outed to the entire staff in no time. Besides which, even if they seem to be trustworthy friends now, things may change over time. Do you want to put your secret in their hands?

This to me is the best advice. I have seen this happen quite a few times... someone confides in a "friend" ... and then... for whatever reason... it gets out and everyone knows.

My advice is to keep these kinds of things out of the workplace. Trust me... don't trust anyone ...especially anyone at work with something so personal. Not worth the risk.

[jessbcuzz]

I must say that everyone has offered great advice. I'm still not sure on what to do. I guess one reason that I am putting so much thought into it is that with somone else like us in such a small town, it maybe a need to be able to connect with somone else. I hope that made sense.

[Jen_TGCD]

I guess one reason that I am putting so much thought into it is that with somone else like us in such a small town, it maybe a need to be able to connect with somone else.

I really do know how you feel and how great the need is to find someone else to confide in... but at work, it is just too risky.

If you can trust me on this one ... you will be much happier if you put some effort into finding some CD friends OUTSIDE of the workplace. They are there... they're just being careful and discreet, like you are.

Good luck!!!