I'm so Confused

[Ashley S]

Hey everyone. I've been going through some new and very confusing stuff recently, and I'm trying to get my thoughts in order. Sorry for the length of the post.

I started out like many others here, dressing the first time around 9 or 10 years old, but then I went into denial for years, trying to repress my urges, or make them go away entirely. I would periodically give in and dress a little through puberty, and I would get very excited, then very VERY ashamed.

Earlier on, I felt that I was a normal straight guy, and that the crossdressing was a sexual thing. Also, like many others, the excitement began to fade, and now fem clothes just make me feel comfy and content.

Until recently, I was under the impression that I'm mostly male, with the occasional urge to present female. However, something I was recently reading made me remember some things from when I was about 8 or 10 years old.

I used to wish that when I woke up in the morning I would be a pretty girl, and thought several times that I would have preferred to be born a girl. Even my earliest sexual fantasies involved crossdressing, or I would fantasize that I actually WAS a girl.

Since being reminded of this, it's sort of changed my impression of myself as a CD, and makes me wonder if I really am TS. I notice that I never really WANT to be in guy mode, it's something I feel I SHOULD do.

I'm waiting for a referral to a psychiatrist, and if they can't provide any insight, maybe they can refer me to a gender specialist, but the first referral is likely several months away

The part that confuses me so much is that I've never been fundamentally UNHAPPY with being a guy, despite feeling frustrated with other guys, or feeling like I fit in better with the girls, but I still feel like I would be happy if I had have been born a girl.

I've always thought of myself as a guy on the inside, until recently, now I just don't know anymore. Am I a guy? a Girl? Neither? Both? I'm so confused.

I know there's many other TSs out there that KNEW from a very young age that they were born into the wrong sex. I've never had that powerful feeling, but I've had nagging suspicions throughout my life that maybe I'm not really supposed to be a guy. It's a foreign concept to me to think of myself as a girl, but it actually feels like it makes some sense.

Is it possible that I'm just getting lost in my own head? I just don't know who I am, or what to do. I'm scared.

Sorry again for the length of the post. I needed to vent a little pressure. I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, not knowing where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing.

[TinaMc]

I'm not sure but I have noticed that since being more open with myself about who/what I am I have this strange inclination to look at my childhood as a sort of way to rationalise what I'm doing now. It's something I'm now trying to stop doing, I don't see that there's really that much of value in it. In a nutshell, does it really matter what you thought when you were 8 or 10? Better to focus on how you feel now, IMO. If you do feel more TS than CD now you don't really need justification from your childhood for it to be legitimate...

[DonnaT]

A former member here had some of the same thoughts, even wishing to wake as a girl most nights. Went to a therapist and all that.

She started transition, but last I heard she decided it wasn't what she really wanted.

Seems to my uneducated mind that if you've always thought of yourself as a guy on the inside, then it likely you are just have confusing thoughts.

[Ashley S]

I'm eager to see what the therapist thinks. I've just been a bit of a mess thinking about this stuff, and I have no idea when I'm going to get my first session, but the doctor that referred me said it would likely be a few months.

I'm not really sure what I feel like anymore. I'm not sure if I actually am a guy, or if I've just gotten so used to trying to be what people expected me to be. It is very confusing.

Thanks for the feedback, I can really use it right about now.

[melissacd]

There are no simple answers to what you ask. But we learn through sharing our thoughts, ideas and experiences and through that learning hopefully we can figure things out.

Like you, I have never hated being a male, I have just hated having to express myself as one. I have no problem with my male biology, but like you, I would much rather dress femme all the time. In fact much of the time that is what I do now. I have gotten rid of all of my male clothes and construct a pseudo male presentation, when I am in male mode, out of female clothing. I am pondering and working towards dressing femme 7/24, but have numerous hurdles to get over before I reach that goal.

I think that the big aha moment for me was realizing that being a male is a physiological thing and that self expression, in this case the expression of my femme self does not require me to become a female (something that is silly even to try because I am not a female I am a male). I have separated who I am biologically speaking from how I want to express myself in the world and I have gained great comfort and acceptance of being a male who wants to dress as a female, but still is happy to remain a male under all that feminine garb.

I am also heterosexual so the way that I dress does not define my sexuality either, it is just, quite frankly, the way that I like to dress. It gives me great enjoyment to express myself this way and I feel most at home in my skin when I am that way.

It is hard to understand a male who likes to be a male and yet wants to self express as a female. I do not understand this in myself but I am no longer confused about the fact that I am fine continuing to be a male.

Like you I have never felt comfortable doing male things or being in the company of males. I have always gotten along much better with women. That does not make me any less male, it just means that I am different than the cultural stereotype of the male in our society. I am fine with that.

So hopefully you will find your way through your confusion and come to an answer that is satisfactory to you.

Huggs
Melissa

[Ashley S]

Like you I have never felt comfortable doing male things or being in the company of males. I have always gotten along much better with women. That does not make me any less male, it just means that I am different than the cultural stereotype of the male in our society. I am fine with that.

Huggs
Melissa

One thing that just adds to the confusion for me is that I've always had a mixed interest in "guy" activities and "girl" activities. I think I just want to be good at everything tho.

The people that I've told about my dressing said that they had absolutely no idea that I was TG. I just come across as such a normal guy, I guess.

Nevertheless, I just don't know how I feel inside. I kinda don't feel like I'm either a guy or a girl. I guess I'm occupying the middle ground?

[Karen564]

[SIZE=2]Going by what you wrote, I would say your a guy that's really into CDing now...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I see nothing there that would indicate that your TS....so consider yourself lucky..[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Not every TS felt as I did, but like many, it started at age 4, but I Never felt comfortable as a male no matter how hard I tried to be one, even when it came to sex...in fact, I hated using "it" because it always felt all so very wrong for me to have one in the 1st place....but make no mistake that I sure did look very much like a He Man type of guy on the outside after puberty hit me with the testosterone, but inside I was always all girl & couldn't escape those thoughts my entire life.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]But sure, absolutely! Do go talk with a professional & all you need to do is be completely honest about everything. , & be careful not to pick & choose what you want them to hear..that is if you want to know the honest truth..[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]There's nothing wrong with Wanting anything in this life...but when it comes to something as serious as this, it often leads to regret after the excitement of it wears off for the ones that were just fooling themselves to begin with...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Good luck & I hope you find your answers..[/SIZE]

[mykhelee]

I am certain that therapy has come along way since my bout in the 80's.
I can't help you out much as I am not a therapist, just had an interesting life.
I am a male who would prefer to present female, it is not sexual as far as a fetish sort of thing. I am bi and have never been dressed for it with a male. Every once in a while a GG will really get revved up by it, most are not.

So I would ask this, are you turned on by a hot or certain kind of guy?
Do you fantasize about having sex with men while dressed, or not?
The answers to these questions are very important. A therapist will help you to figure yourself out a bit, but only you have the answers. Be certain as to what you want dear, the reality is often somewhat lacking compared to the fantasy time to time.
Peace

[Ashley S]

I am certain that therapy has come along way since my bout in the 80's.
I can't help you out much as I am not a therapist, just had an interesting life.
I am a male who would prefer to present female, it is not sexual as far as a fetish sort of thing. I am bi and have never been dressed for it with a male. Every once in a while a GG will really get revved up by it, most are not.

So I would ask this, are you turned on by a hot or certain kind of guy?
Do you fantasize about having sex with men while dressed, or not?
The answers to these questions are very important. A therapist will help you to figure yourself out a bit, but only you have the answers. Be certain as to what you want dear, the reality is often somewhat lacking compared to the fantasy time to time.
Peace

I should clarify that I've never found a guy attractive, and never fantasized about being with one. I'm pretty secure in the fact that I'm attracted to women, and even in those times that I would dream about actually being a woman, I would still be with another woman.

I guess I'm torn between straight male, and lesbian female.

[Lexine]

One thing that you shouldn't confuse is this: gender identity with sexual orientation. It is possible to be a MtF TS and still like females and vice-versa.

I think you might be confusing and over thinking this a little bit...

When we give importance to what is acceptably "male" or "female" in our society, we tend to lose sight of what we find important in ourselves. I've always had these two sides in me as long as I can remember and I blend them every chance I get, both en drab or en femme. In the end, it's really what you prefer between the two, or if you prefer both. It's difficult to try and see your male side in a fair light since you've been living as one for a majority of your life, but take the time to really see why you like both and what you dislike in both objectively and even perhaps going further past your personal experiences by asking GG friends about their experiences with guys, since even though you don't like guys you will be hit on at least once at some point when en femme.

I'm very middle ground when it comes to gender. I can be male, androgynous (a mix of both), or female and still be myself. And yes, I still love women. Maybe this is your calling?

[ReineD]

I'm not sure but I have noticed that since being more open with myself about who/what I am I have this strange inclination to look at my childhood as a sort of way to rationalise what I'm doing now. It's something I'm now trying to stop doing, I don't see that there's really that much of value in it. In a nutshell, does it really matter what you thought when you were 8 or 10? Better to focus on how you feel now, IMO. If you do feel more TS than CD now you don't really need justification from your childhood for it to be legitimate...

I love this answer! Kids do go through phases and they aren't necessarily an indication of transsexuality.

Also, you'll find that many of the answers to your post will be influenced by whether the responder is TS or CD. It's natural for people to look at things according to their own personal experiences.

I also don't know how easy it is to find a gender therapist who won't lean towards a recommendation for HRT or SRS. Some of the wives of TGs I've spoken to have said their husbands' gender therapists were prone to going along with whatever their husbands said. Which is perfectly valid if someone knows without a doubt she is TS, but in cases of ambiguety, especially with the pleasurable feelings that expressing femininity brings to everyone who is TG, I question the wisdom of accepting wishes as the uncontested reality.

You are young still. The best advice I have is to just accept whatever is going on with you internally, be Ashley as much as you feel like it, interact with others as Ashley, date a variety of people as Ashley. Give it at least a year without questioning who you "should" be. Don't feel you should be either/or if you can accomplish this. If you're having a good time in guy mode, don't put that down either. Try to remove any agenda from your life experiences. There are people who are dual-gendered and this is something that most people have a hard time understanding. It's a lot easier to understand the either/or concept of male/female, no matter the birth gender, than to understand someone who is does feel comfortable as both. Even for the professionals, I should think, although I don't know this for sure. I do know that research is severely limited in the field.

Or when you do find a therapist, do ask them what their understanding of gender is before you get started. Make sure they aren't biased either way and they do understand that not everyone will fit into the either/or category.

Eventually you'll be able to determine what fits best for you.

[Ashley S]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my ramblings.

There's been a lot of good advice posted here that I'm going to reflect upon.

I understand the concept of sexuality and gender being different. I'm pretty sure I've identified my sexuality, but I'm still questioning my gender.

Reine, I like your advice about just giving it a year, with no agenda, and seeing what happens.

I don't know why these questions stress me out. I guess I got hung up on needing answers before doing anything. Maybe I'll try doing what I want, and waiting for the answers to present themselves.

I tend to over-complicate things, sorry bout that.

Thanks again everyone for being so helpful.

[charlotte_sp]

The part that confuses me so much is that I've never been fundamentally UNHAPPY with being a guy, despite feeling frustrated with other guys, or feeling like I fit in better with the girls, but I still feel like I would be happy if I had have been born a girl.

...

I know there's many other TSs out there that KNEW from a very young age that they were born into the wrong sex. I've never had that powerful feeling, but I've had nagging suspicions throughout my life that maybe I'm not really supposed to be a guy.

Hi Ashley,

I totally empathize with you on those points.
I did dress up in my mom's clothes and have some trans thoughts when I was younger, but I never felt really uncomfortable as a male.
On one hand, if I don't feel much discomfort, why go through huge, life-altering change transition?
On the other hand, I do really like being Charlotte, so there's no reason I can't proactively make a positive change.

I think Tina said it best...forget the childhood stuff.
Hopefully we've changed and matured from when we were 8

Anyways, it feels to me like we're in a similar place, because I'm still not sure where I want to go with this.
The indecision is the worst part.

I've been dressing and going out for maybe a month or two now, so I think Reine's advice is the best...give it some time.
A year sounds like forever to me, but transition is serious business.
I definitely feel the need to make a decision quickly, but I'm trying to take it slowly and not to let that urgency get the best of me.
I don't know how long you've been out as Ashley, but it sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong!) it hasn't been that long either.

Best of luck,

Charlotte

P.S. If you'd like to talk, feel free to send me a PM.

[ReineD]

The part that confuses me so much is that I've never been fundamentally UNHAPPY with being a guy, despite feeling frustrated with other guys, or feeling like I fit in better with the girls, but I still feel like I would be happy if I had have been born a girl.

One last thing. Not to add to your confusion, but how do you know that had you been born with female genitalia, you also would not have identified with the male gender, since you are not unhappy with being a guy? Try to separate yourself from the idea that you MUST choose now, if ever.

MY SO is MtF and has always embraced and cherished her feminine self, ever since she was 12. She never felt ashamed of who she is, although she did recognize early on that her family and society in general does not understand. So because he also feels comfortable as a guy, he didn't feel the need to educate everyone and he chose to keep this part of himself private from his family and his profession. It did take her a while to learn to trust that the rest of the world would not lynch her when she went out in public. lol. She is a generation older than you and it's easier now than it used to be. Now she goes everywhere as herself as he does, and she is happy. There are no limits as to when she should express femininity, and when she is in guy mode, it is entirely his choice because he wants to be. Not because he feels he must.

[Crysten]

I've always been a crossdresser. Since I was able to do anything at all (such as walk upright) this has been my thing. So, maybe 38 years worth of CDing...quietly, when I had the chance.

A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to dress basically full time for about a week. Since then, I've noticed the urges to dress, my mannerisms, and my desire to present as female have increased markedly.

I guess the nice thing about me is...I tend not to overcomplicate things, and try to avoid stressing over them as well. The 'why's and wherefores' tend not to bother me, and I take things as they are (or as they come).

Where is this all going to lead? I don't know, and that's ok. I have a family, kids, etc...so transition is not in the picture for at least a decade. And by that point, I believe the decision will have made itself. No point in stressing over it, is there? Nope.

Same thing with you. Some simple truths: 1) If you're not happy, you're doing it wrong. 2) Only you have the power to make yourself happy. 3) Uselessly stressing only makes things worse. 4) Simpler is better.

So, keep things simple, try and be as happy as you can, and take life as it comes at you. Best of luck

[Jenna Lynne]

I'm eager to see what the therapist thinks. I've just been a bit of a mess thinking about this stuff, and I have no idea when I'm going to get my first session, but the doctor that referred me said it would likely be a few months.

I'm not really sure what I feel like anymore. I'm not sure if I actually am a guy, or if I've just gotten so used to trying to be what people expected me to be. It is very confusing.

Score one for the idiotic U.S. health care system. If you were down here, you could just pick up the phone and schedule an appointment for this week. Of course, it would cost $120 per session! I don't know how they do it in Canada, but are there any private practitioners you could contact without waiting?

Confusion is normal. My main suggestion would be, it's not necessary to totally nail it down.

People sometimes assume that identity is a simple, monolithic thing, that you're either this or you're that. But this is a very bad assumption. Each of us contains many different "identities" (loving father, raging testosterone-fueled football fan, cute crossdresser, and so on). It's okay to be all of who you are, and to trust the flow of how that changes from day to day.

Jenna

[try2bCaringGG]

[QUOTE=Crysten;2200038]
Where is this all going to lead? I don't know, and that's ok. I have a family, kids, etc...so transition is not in the picture for at least a decade. And by that point, I believe the decision will have made itself. No point in stressing over it, is there? Nope.
QUOTE]


Your right about shouldn't stress yourself out BUT Does your wife know that there's potential for you to transition? If she doesn't I find that misleading personally. There's nothing wrong with anyone wanting to transition, but your SO has had a life with kids with you and your decision will totally change her life too, which is why I think its important to try and know what you want and give your SO the opportunity to determine if its a life she wants too.

[charlie]

Hello Ashley!
Gender bending is confusing. We have X and Y chromosomes and I believe we have a continuum as to how male and female each of us really are. Those of us on this forum obviously are closer to the middle then full male or female. We are beyond the societal norms and are different. However, we are who we are. I do not stress about it anymore. I just accept myself as I am. I'm a male with many female tendencies. Sometimes those tendencies make me want to stay more feminine instead of being the male I usually present as. Do I really have to choose? Both are just me. Try not to get deep in thought about what you are and how to be yourself. Further, I do not think a psychiatrist is going to help you out much with this. You are battling yourself.

[Christina Horton]

I'm like you. I like being a guy and don't want srs ,but in the same vain I love being a girl... When I was a kid I loved being a boy , loved getting dirty play rough , just being a little boy. Not much has changed . I wished back then that I could also be a little girl and play with the girls.

Being a man and wanting to also be a girl is not something to worrie about. I want to dress as much as I can 24/7 sounds great but that is a hard thing to do. If I wanted to I could but my job would be hard to do. I drive truck and I sometimes I need to deliver at like 2 or 3 or 4 etc in the morn. Or get up early to drive. But I could if I wanted or needed to all depends on you. Man can be fem and women can be man if they want . So you just live life and think to yourself " I get to dress as a women and be the part of me I want to be" . How many men have the courage to do that . Just a few fab men like all of us.

Wanting to be girly is healthy and if you think that your not fully happy with dressing once in a while just ask yourself why. Is something else missing in your life or just the need to be the fem-side of you.

Live your life as a part time girl and see if that helps. When your feel a little down just think back to your last time dress and think of what your next time will be like and that might help too. Talk in your fem-voice when your alone imagine you in places dressed and what you'd do and say. Just play in your mind like you did as a kid. That helps me when I need a little boost when I can dress. Have fun and if you have any questions you can PM me anytime.

[Crysten]

[QUOTE=try2bCaringGG;2202180]

Where is this all going to lead? I don't know, and that's ok. I have a family, kids, etc...so transition is not in the picture for at least a decade. And by that point, I believe the decision will have made itself. No point in stressing over it, is there? Nope.
QUOTE]


Your right about shouldn't stress yourself out BUT Does your wife know that there's potential for you to transition? If she doesn't I find that misleading personally. There's nothing wrong with anyone wanting to transition, but your SO has had a life with kids with you and your decision will totally change her life too, which is why I think its important to try and know what you want and give your SO the opportunity to determine if its a life she wants too.

So....what exactly am I supposed to say to my wife? "Hey in 10 or 15 years I MIGHT start to think about transitioning to being female? Of course, any number of things between now and then could effect the decision, or I could hit that point, seek a therapist, and totally decide against it?" ---- Sooooo...you advise me to scare the hell out of my wife for no reason? I'm not sure I get it. My wife has totally known about my crossdressing since WELL before we got married, so I'm absolutely SURE this wouldn't come as a totally out-of-the-blue shock to her......IF it ever comes to that, which may never happen. If it ever does you can be sure I'll address it with as much grace and tact as I have in me. But I can't see the point in running down the street screaming "the sky is falling" ---- when it isn't.

[kimdl93]

I can't speak for you, but I think that a lot of us are somewhere along a continuum - from being totally male to being toally female...no clear or absolute this or that.
Perhaps over time, you'll move along that continuum. I suspect we all find ourselves inching one way or the other as time goes by.