Separating = Monica time???

[Monica73]

Not sure if this is the perfect place to post this.

My wife of 17 years and I are separating. It's not because of my cding. Long and short of it is a communication issue that left me looking like I didn't value her opinion and so we now have trust issues. Well 3.5 years after the issue marriage is no better off. I'm moving out for a few months so that we can figure out who we are, start all over again, and renew our marriage. I especially want to do this since we have 5 kids!

Anyway to my point. I'm finding my self now constantly thinking about the Monica time that I'll have. I feel somewhat guilty, but my wife and I have been together since we got out of high school...I've never lived alone. I'm renting a room but still I can sleep in a nightgown and be on the computer with whatever I want on.

Should I feel guilty. I know why I'm separating and so I want to stay focused on my marriage, but since she doesn't agree with me cding it's like also a time for me to be me. Does that make any sense???

[suchacutie]

I'm so sorry to hear that your long-term relationship is in turmoil.

Might I point out that the priority might need to be focussed on the process of putting the marriage back together. I'm not sure how moving out for any period of time will help, without specific dates of closure and getting back together. Do you have dates set for meeting? Are you going to be "dating" each other again? What is the mechanism the two of you have set to try to renew your marriage? How are you handling the children? I think these are the real issues.

Once those issues are set, what you do when you are alone is your time. After all, she clearly wants you away from her for a while. She will certainly use her private time as she sees fit, no?

I do hope you can work out your issues. Separation has to be one of the most stressful things we can endure.

tina

[lynn27]

if this is a matter of getting away for a while, take a vacation on you own. if you have communication issues, set down and talk thru things...

i think you taking the step to leave the home might lead to the end of the marriage. a "few months" can easily turn into forever. is that what you really want? your wife may not take you leaving as well as you think or how she thinks. once you leave everything changes.

should you feel guilty? YES. you have five kids and you are planning to leave them and your home so you have more Monica time.

divorces are not cheap and they seldom make you feel better.

lynn

Not sure if this is the perfect place to post this.

My wife of 17 years and I are separating. It's not because of my cding. Long and short of it is a communication issue that left me looking like I didn't value her opinion and so we now have trust issues. Well 3.5 years after the issue marriage is no better off. I'm moving out for a few months so that we can figure out who we are, start all over again, and renew our marriage. I especially want to do this since we have 5 kids!

Anyway to my point. I'm finding my self now constantly thinking about the Monica time that I'll have. I feel somewhat guilty, but my wife and I have been together since we got out of high school...I've never lived alone. I'm renting a room but still I can sleep in a nightgown and be on the computer with whatever I want on.

Should I feel guilty. I know why I'm separating and so I want to stay focused on my marriage, but since she doesn't agree with me cding it's like also a time for me to be me. Does that make any sense???

[bianca66]

It makes sense to me...Me and the exwife (after 17yrs) had to live together when we made the decision to get divorced. I would still tell her when I was going to be back home...Even though I was free and single, I would feel guilty going out to a strip club or talking to other woman in bars, etc.

I read somewhere that if you divide the length of time that you where together is about when you will stop thinking about the other person.

[AKAMichelle]

I definitely understand your feelings. I have been separated 8 times and now we are getting a divorce. Sometimes the separation works, but one of the things you should work on is you. Going back into the relationship without solving the issue in yourself will only lead it to further damaging your marriage. Good luck to you both.

[kimdl93]

have you tried counseling? I think we often muddle through relationships, making a mess of issues that might be resolved amicably with a professional counselor. Either way, I wish you, your wife and kids the best...together or separately.

[Monica73]

Well we are going to go to a counselor to act as a mediator on helping us decide what to do in our marriage. We are going Tuesday...should be interesting. For the time being though, it seems as though there is a weight lifted off our shoulders and we are nice to each other. It's almost like she wanted to see if I was serious or not. We'll see how things progress. Thanks all for your input. I am absorbing it ALL.

[Chickhe]

You sound confident that she is the cause of the problems... this is a clear message that nothing will work to fix it... that is until you admit you are at least 50% at fault. Take the counciling seriously and put in a real effort to try what they ask. For the CDing, maybe you have to be open and honest about it...could be if you are hiding and feel shame or guilt, it comes out in ways that impacts your relationship...on the other hand, it could be the last straw... I would take the time to dress to discover what dressing really means to you...do the things you were always scared to do so you can return home with a clear CDing bucket list.

[prene]

I am going to say something square.
If you love your wife heck if you have 5 kids drop Monica.
I would prene. She can always come out later. You are only going to get a limited number of years with those kids of yours. Cherish them . . . this is the most delicate part of there lifes and you are setting an example. I work with kids a lot. They are sponges and are very mauable(ms).

I wish I had kids. Overall you are a lucky person.

I am rambling I hope you get my drift. Good luck

[eluuzion]

Hiya Monica,

Yes, as a matter of fact…everything you shared makes sense to me. It is easier for an outsider to “see” through the smoke and mirrors of the emotions that cloud the thinking of a person engulfed in turmoil.

Here are my thoughts…(with the understanding that I am far from a relationship expert. Most of my insight was gained from failed relationships/marriages, not successful ones, which continue to elude me. lol.)
Given the mysterious complexities and unpredictable nature of humans, I am amazed any of us survive past high school, let alone manage to successfully establish and maintain a lifelong relationship with a “SO”, lol.

A couple of things come to mind here.
When people are facing a personal crisis, I always pay close attention to the “conflict sentences” they make. (Statements with two opposing “options” hooked together by the word “but”). I find that the thoughts that follow the word “but” usually reveal what is genuinely important to the person (what he/she “really wants” or “wants to do”).

Here are three examples, taken from the short post you shared…

“but my wife and I have been together since we got out of high school...I've never lived alone.”
“but still I can sleep in a nightgown and be on the computer with whatever I want on.”
“but since she doesn't agree with me cding it's like also a time for me to be me.”

You are obviously being seduced by the opportunity to experience things that have not been possible and will not be possible because of your marriage. It is worth taking the time to figure out if you are just having the typical fantasies we all have at various points in a relationship…where being “single” seems like a ticket to Disneyland. The other possibility is that those thoughts are part of the genuine realization that you are willing to sacrifice your relationship in order to experience those new things.

I have two points worth considering…

1) “Separating” (moving out) is just a socially acceptable means of avoiding the acknowledgement that the relationship is over. It is an exercise in self-denial and procrastination. Once a couple redefines the “everlasting” mutual commitment they made to each other (of facing every aspect of their lives as an inseparable unit)…the relationship is irreparably broken.

2) I took two years to reach the conclusion that I could be a better father by divorcing my ex, than I could ever be by staying married to her. That was 16 years ago. It was the toughest 16 years of my life doing what I had to do to remain a good father to my daughter. (also the best years of my life). I have no doubt in my mind now, that I made the right decision. I am suggesting that if you leave, you are not necessarily sacrificing or injuring your children. You just might be doing what is in their best interest. (Yours as well).

[lynn27]

Well we are going to go to a counselor to act as a mediator on helping us decide what to do in our marriage. We are going Tuesday...should be interesting. For the time being though, it seems as though there is a weight lifted off our shoulders and we are nice to each other. It's almost like she wanted to see if I was serious or not. We'll see how things progress. Thanks all for your input. I am absorbing it ALL.

monica, great news that you will be talking with someone else on this. hopefully, you can make monica part of that conversation, too. in spite of you saying monica is not part of the problem, it does sound like she is in some small way.

relationships are tough enough with two people, you are asking your wife to let you bring a third person into your relationship... and from the sound of things you have seriously considered letting monica break up your marriage. look at things from her perspective. how do you think she feels knowing that you would choose monica over her?

the best thing you can do is listen to your wife, listen to how she feels. do NOT negate her feelings. do not make your discussions all about yourself. if you do that, i have a feeling monica will find her place in your marriage.

the most important thing you can do right next Tuesday is to LISTEN and understand her feelings. good luck

lynn