Telling the SO, Bad Reaction, Giving up CD'ing

[Georgi]

I want to share some of my experience with my telling my wife about my crossdressing. In short it has not gone well, and right now my marriage is in doubt because of it. I've told her she is more important to me than the cd'ing, and she's taken me at my word. So the clothes are all gone, I've promised to renounce crossdressing, and I've even started therapy sessions to reinforce my quitting.

Quick recap: On July 5 I craft a nice 4 page letter telling my story, expressing my love, how important she is, how I'm not gay, I don't want to become a woman, etc, etc. The first thing she does after reading one page is run to the bathroom to throw up. While she finishes reading it all she can say is "No, no, no, no, ..." I haven't been able to touch her since, we haven't had sex since, and she's pretty much said we won't until she gets things worked out. I've tried to get her to talk to someone several times but she doesn't think she should have to do anything.

Almost a month later and I'm depressed, she won't hardly talk to me, and although she hasn't gone to any lawyers there is no sign of any move to try to make it better. I guess at least the part about not going to lawyers at this point is a good sign. The ironic thing is, one of her lines while she was reading ithe letter after I had said something about being truthful above all else was, "Sometimes a lie is better than the truth."

So, here I am at a crossroad having told the truth and having wrecked what used to be a wonderful marriage. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished...

More as the story unfolds,
Georgi

[sandra-leigh]

Ouch!

[Kristitx555]

I will pray for you both!

[Billijo49504]

Ooooh!! That's not good. You might want to see your doctor, to get some help for your depression. Don't let it get the best of you. Good luck..BJ

[JenniferB]

Almost a month later and I'm depressed, she won't hardly talk to me, and although she hasn't gone to any lawyers there is no sign of any move to try to make it better.

It sounds a little bit like you're trying to shift responsibility here. Some women will never "come around" to understanding a CD husband. Her viewpoint is probably she married a man - not a woman - and not even a man who sometimes dresses like a woman. And, she is 100% justified in feeling that way.
If you have truly given up CDing and want to mend the fence, that's one thing. If you're waiting for her to show some sign of acceptance, that may never happen.

[Georgi]

If you have truly given up CDing and want to mend the fence, that's one thing. If you're waiting for her to show some sign of acceptance, that may never happen.

Oh I don't disagree a bit with you about her acceptance. She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser and that's fine. What I'm hoping for is that someday (soon, hoepfully) she will be able to accept that I once was a crossdresser. If not, then this whole act of truthfulness was one total royal f*%kup on my part.

Thx,
Georgi

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear of your situation at the moment and do not think there is much i could say that would be helpful at the moment getting your wife to understand anything about it is going to be quite hard at the moment as she needs time to adjust lets just hope it is in the right way for you both .

[patti.jean]

Georgi,

That is so sad; you must be in such pain. It appears you have been marred awhile which makes this more difficult for everyone. Part of me wants to offer some advice to fix this, and then the female side of me only wants to cry. You obviously love your wife very much, which was at least part of your motivation to be honest with her. Yet, your wife is treating this as you broke the trust between you and become something she deplores.

I understand your desire to stop dressing to save your marriage and I am sure you have tired to stop many times and know how difficult it is. I was told by a therapist once we can not stop being a CD but we might be able to stop dressing. A Few years ago through therapy and meditation everyday I was able to find contentment without dressing that lasted about 18 months. But I was never able to not be CD and eventually started dressing again.

The only thing you have to offer your wife right now is time however painful that is for both of you. I like to be optimistic and think you two will find a way to work this out. I like to believe your wife will see what you are doing as an act of love but in your note you also I sense you understand the reality of this happing.

Thanks for reaching out, even though we can only give you words and our thoughts.

Hugs,
Patti

[Miss Misery]

She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser and that's fine. .

Giorgi - I am sorry to see how this worked out for you. That is why I want others on here to be very careful in evaluating the ramifications of coming out to an SO.

What I'm hoping for is that someday (soon, hoepfully) she will be able to accept that I once was a crossdresser

This is where she needs to find some compassion. You have made a significant committment to change and yet she still might not be able to let it go. That's what's really sad. Best of luck, my friend. I hope things can work out for you.

[DemonicDaughter]

[SIZE="3"]

Oh I don't disagree a bit with you about her acceptance. She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser and that's fine. What I'm hoping for is that someday (soon, hoepfully) she will be able to accept that I once was a crossdresser. If not, then this whole act of truthfulness was one total royal f*%kup on my part.

Thx,
Georgi

You've been married to her for this whole time, kept this part of yourself hidden so well that she never even knew it existed and then you want her to instantly accept you're no longer doing it?!

Not only does she probably feel like she doesn't know you at all, she probably feels stupid for never seeing it! There's a good chance she feels completely duped in this how thing and that if you can keep something like cding a secret, who knows what else there is.

Listen, I know its can't be easy but posting things like "not good deed goes unpunished" isn't necessary. A good deed would have been to say something from the start. But you no longer have that option. So give it some time. A month is hardly enough time to accept all this. You've had your whole life, and you've given her 30 days!

I wish you the best of luck with everything and I'm truly sorry you're hurting but so is she.

Giorgi - I am sorry to see how this worked out for you. That is why I want others on here to be very careful in evaluating the ramifications of coming out to an SO.

This is where she needs to find some compassion. You have made a significant committment to change and yet she still might not be able to let it go. That's what's really sad. Best of luck, my friend. I hope things can work out for you.

Its not a matter of compassion or if it is, it should be the other way around. She just spent her marriage believing she knew her husband so well. She thought she knew their life, their roles, their future. Now she's had that blown to bits in a matter of a few paragraphs on paper. She is no doubt feeling as if she's going insane and that she somehow married someone she actually never knew. That's not an easy task.

How would you feel if you were married for a few years and found out your wife was a stripper the entire time? How easy would that be? Would you assume there's nothing sexual about it? Would you feel lied to and deceived? Would you feel she shared a part of herself with a whole other group of people you never knew and not with you?

Its the deceit far more than it just being the clothing, though I have no doubt that plays a huge factor. [/SIZE]

[Miss Misery]

She just spent her marriage believing she knew her husband so well. She thought she knew their life, their roles, their future. Now she's had that blown to bits in a matter of a few paragraphs on paper. She is no doubt feeling as if she's going insane and that she somehow married someone she actually never knew.

We don't know that any of this is what she believes or feels but can only assume from her reaction that this is true.

Its not a matter of compassion or if it is, it should be the other way around.

No, I have to disagree here. Giorgi has done what he can, albeit not as soon as some here think is appropriate, BUT he did put it out there AND is going to stop or trying to. Now the ball is in her court so to speak. She can show some compassion for his struggle regardless of whether she decides whether or not she can stay married to him. I think her behavior has more to do with the repulsion at the thought of men dressing as women more than the deceit.

In fact, I think this point about the deceit being the issue is sort of a "red herring" - Sure no one wants to feel deceived by their spouse but isn't it also about the nature of the deception that causes the hurt.

Example- If a husband said he was working late every Monday night but was actually going down to the pub with the boys to watch Monday Night Football, that's deceiving but I doubt it would receive the same response that the same scenario would if that husband admitted that he'd been dressing up as a woman on those Monday nights. What's the difference? I guess you could say the CD thing is a "double deception" - what he was doing on Monday nights AND being a CD.

My point is it seems disingenuous to put all the SO's hurt on the act of deception itself - it does have to do with the nature of the deception - in this case being a CD. Not the same thing as being a closet trumpet player.

How would you feel if you were married for a few years and found out your wife was a stripper the entire time? How easy would that be? Would you assume there's nothing sexual about it? Would you feel lied to and deceived? Would you feel she shared a part of herself with a whole other group of people you never knew and not with you?

A stripper is being compared to a CD? One is totally based on performance for others enjoyment while the other can be done without involving anyone else. What if you found out she liked to wear men's clothing? Not so dramatic. How is a CDer automatically sharing with a whole group of people his spouse never knew? - a stripper, sure.

Whew - I'm getting worn out. But my last comment is, as individuals we can choose to accept others with their human bagage or not. We make foolish mistakes and try to make amends when possible but acceptance ultimately lies in the heart of the individual. All any of us can do is wish Giorgi luck.

[Virgin_CD]

tell her you will listen to the counselors advice and are open to compromise if she is (sounds like yu have nothing to lose at this point). they are often like lawyers and judges, making the goal mid point...anybody not willing to compromise is the bad guy. And some fine points, should anything legal ensue later:
1. Make the suggestion to her in another "love letter", keep a copy so it can be used as evidence that you were trying to work the issues (and open to compromise (even if you are reserved in that respect))
2. The counsellor may be your best ally in court someday.
I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that, but you'd be better off loaded for bear and not need it, plus it may desuade her from seeking legal counsel later (Divorce can be a little like Global Thermal Nuclear War...and mutual anyahlation can be a legitimate deterrent).
When I presented it to my wife, I put it in a light that "I nearly totally suppressed this for the first 15 years of marriage and if the counsellor says I am damaged goods, I'll continue with the counsellor to FIX ME", ...and this is the most important part: "Because our love is to important... etc..."
That will put a bandaid on the immediate danger
I seriously doubt any counsellor (with experience) labelling YOU as Broken... although they may reccomend You compromise, to patronize her and get HER to meet half way. I mean, wouldn't that be wonderful... it's half of the battle. If she gets to a healthy place, the rest is just time and you lovin the girl real good for some years after the initial shock. Tell her this deep dark secret makes you both much closer... think of the trust required and the big chance you took, etc... And keep echoing "Our love and communication comes FIRST. PS: You don't have to agree and believe in all this stuff... never forget, Marriage and relationships are the biggest negotiation in life. Engage the marriage and family counsellors BEFORE the Attorney/ Legal Counsellors enter the stage. With Love and Respect, Virginia.

[Catherine in Colo]

Georgi, first, I am SO very sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine the hurt that both of you are feeling right now, and I truly hope you're able to find a way through this.

Second, please, please consider asking your wife to see a counselor with you. You're both going through something very intense, and this is going to impact you emotionally for a long time to come. Unless you're able to communicate extremely well on this topic by yourself, you need someone who can help lead the conversations that need to happen.

From what I can gather from your comments, it sounds like both of you are trying to enter some sort of denial. You, that you're not a crossdresser anymore, and for your wife, that you never shared this information with her in the first place. Pushing this under the rug will not help either of you, or your marriage. You need to work through the emotions that you're both feeling with someone equipped to help you with the tools you'll need, preferably someone experienced with gender issues. Otherwise, I would fear that you'll both end up feeling a lot of resentment. You, that "she made" you give up crossdressing (if only b/c of her response), and her that you had not shared this with her sooner.

Of course only you can know what is right for you and your wife, but I hope you'll consider this among your options.

Best of luck,
Cat

[mklinden2010]

This will probably get deleted. But, take it as general observation about this kind of thing in general. He has already played his cards and it really doesn't matter much what any of us says to HIM now.


OK, first, why are you sharing this with us - and promising updates - if CDing is behind you and you're saving your marriage? Is this part of some ebook you're working on?

Second, I'd like to see this "nice" four page letter. Nice? I HATE the "letter" gambit. Gutless, thoughtless, and, clueless. Say it don't play it. Think how long someone will be going down that page to hell. And, get a clue what she expects - NOT a letter! How about some conversation... You know, the one you've been skipping since she met you?

I'd divorce you. There would be no way around it. Why stay with a bonehead?

This is no crossroad. The is a sign in the road.

And, this is no good deed, it's just a deed.

Boo!

What else is on?

[DemonicDaughter]

[SIZE="3"]

We don't know that any of this is what she believes or feels but can only assume from her reaction that this is true.

It might be an assumption but it is a highly logical one. There would be few other ranges of emotions for her to feel if the OP's description of her reaction is true. And being its an extremely common reaction expressed on here by many GGs its not to much of an assumption.

No, I have to disagree here. Giorgi has done what he can, albeit not as soon as some here think is appropriate, BUT he did put it out there AND is going to stop or trying to. Now the ball is in her court so to speak. She can show some compassion for his struggle regardless of whether she decides whether or not she can stay married to him.

I meant that Giorgi needs to give his wife more time than simply a month to come to grips with things. Compassion should be both ways but making it sound like his wife has none for him is also just as harsh. She might have compassion for his struggle but so must he show some for hers as well.

I think her behavior has more to do with the repulsion at the thought of men dressing as women more than the deceit.

I believe that's a bigger assumption than I was making!

In fact, I think this point about the deceit being the issue is sort of a "red herring" - Sure no one wants to feel deceived by their spouse but isn't it also about the nature of the deception that causes the hurt.

Does that play a factor that he's a CDer? Of course. But is the lies and deceit a "red herring"? You'll be hard pressed to find a GG on this site who has gone through something similar who would agree with that. Many GGs on here express how they might have had a much easier time accepting the CDing had they not felt they had been lied to for so long.

Example- If a husband said he was working late every Monday night but was actually going down to the pub with the boys to watch Monday Night Football, that's deceiving but I doubt it would receive the same response that the same scenario would if that husband admitted that he'd been dressing up as a woman on those Monday nights. What's the difference? I guess you could say the CD thing is a "double deception" - what he was doing on Monday nights AND being a CD.

Actually, I think it would elicit the same response, but here's why... claiming your working late but really going to a pub can easily be interpreted as you going there to meet up with someone for extra marital activities and CDing often implies that to a GG who doesn't know anything about CDing. Its an assumption on many GGs' part that CDing is primarily sexual.

My point is it seems disingenuous to put all the SO's hurt on the act of deception itself - it does have to do with the nature of the deception - in this case being a CD. Not the same thing as being a closet trumpet player.

I think its incorrect to assume it would be only CDing that would elicit the reaction. It could be anything that makes a partner feel that there is something sexual going on or an implication that the marriage isn't "enough".

A stripper is being compared to a CD? One is totally based on performance for others enjoyment while the other can be done without involving anyone else. What if you found out she liked to wear men's clothing? Not so dramatic. How is a CDer automatically sharing with a whole group of people his spouse never knew? - a stripper, sure.

Actually, stripping can be done in private as well but that's neither here or there. And I've tried the men's clothing argument and all I ever get met with is the "I'd love it if my wife did that! I'd get to be the woman!" So I don't bother with that one anymore. I don't think comparing it to a stripper is dramatic either being most of the strippers I know don't go home with any of the customers, aren't into men most of the time and are doing it to feel attractive and/or make money.

And even being here on forums is sharing CDing with people outside the marriage. Being its not uncommon for many CDers now a days to be on forums like this, its not a stretch of the imagination to make such a statement. Especially since the OP stated he was giving it up to his wife and yet is on here sharing the experience (this is in no way saying he shouldn't, just making an example).

Whew - I'm getting worn out. But my last comment is, as individuals we can choose to accept others with their human bagage or not. We make foolish mistakes and try to make amends when possible but acceptance ultimately lies in the heart of the individual. All any of us can do is wish Giorgi luck.

Don't get worn out! These debates are great for other's to learn from! I think its thought provoking answers that make the best threads. But I digress a bit...

I agree with your last statement. [/SIZE]

[ErikkaHrungnir]

I don't mean to sound insensitive, just realistic. From what you have posted and what it sounds like, you haven't been playing the devils advocate here and looked at your other option... Have you considered leaving her? If this is truly a core part of who you are and what you do then she should be accepting. Beyond the fact that you should have been honest with her MUCH sooner in the relationship and definitely told her before you two were ever even considering marriage, the tough fact is, if she doesn't support you in living an alternative lifestyle and you are committed to that lifestyle, then perhaps you should find someone who is. I know there is a lot of history and love in a marriage, however it has been said a thousand times about coming out to friends "If you come out to a friend and they reject you, were they really your friend?" The same thing applies here, if she can't accept you, isn't willing to even talk about the possibility of working something out, then perhaps you should seek your happiness elsewhere. Why should you or ANYONE have to sacrifice who they are as a person to make someone else happy?

[Ms. Emily]

I'd divorce you. There would be no way around it. Why stay with a bonehead?

This is no crossroad. The is a sign in the road.

And, this is no good deed, it's just a deed.

Boo!

What else is on?

I hope they don't delete your comment cause thats the kind of wake up call he needs. I've felt this way exactly about all the married cd's who kept it from their wives. It is way too big of a secret to hide from a wife. You all know they deserve better then that.

Letters are how my family likes to deal with big problems and I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel like I'm not worth you saying it to my face how you really feel about something. I can't even imagine using one to tell your wife something like this. That just feels like it's a real slap in the face to the woman.

[shannonFL]

Georgi, other than untimely death, or grave illness, this will be the greatest emotional earthquake you will experience...and you probably never realized that just following a personal footpath could cause someone you love so much anguish. I have no advice to offer, only empathy from one of many of us who may have in some way been through something not too different..

[Inna]

Hi babe, I can sympathize with your dilemma. I have lost my wife partially to my being TG even without her knowing. But that fact doesn't help you, what is though genuine is the fact you have spoken the truth. Never ever under any circumstance regret truth. You are extremely strong individual committing your self to this act, if that isn't enough to earn respect and devotion, nothing will. I can not judge nor would I do so, our perspective on life and needs are so foreign to people who never given any thought to this subject. From my experience trying to make life dissipate our truth and live under regime of "gone from my life forever" theme, does not work. It is within us, as much as our heart beat, color of eyes, our needs and wants. You can quit drinking but you never quit the feeling you know, and pleasure once felt. Ask your self, did the truth you spoke brake the bond of love or has it lifted dark cloud from your soul. I am a great believer of things to come as they may, I also understand now the power of truth, events unfolding in front of your eyes may seem brutal and painful as they are, but the truth you spoke came from your soul and new wave of life is coming and you will yet rejoice in your decision however grave it seems now.

All I can offer to you is my love, the only commodity I posses.

[Samantha B L]

Hi There Georgi, You have my sympathy in this whole mess but maybe you should have told her from the start. Honey,I'm really sorry too about you getting dragged through all these renunciations and throwing your clothes away,etc.and visa versa. I do think your handling yourself calmly and without any kind of temper flareup at your wife. There is that to be said. Well now,I hope that sooner or later you'll be able to dress again and I hope that whatever happens things will get smoothed over with your wife. Really sorry.





Samantha

[Miley]

I am sorry to hear about this difficult time you are going through. Don't lose hope, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if its not what you expect it to be. Its a good thing you were honest, whats a true marrage without it. I can undertand your wife finding it hard to except, and if she is a person who has been sheltered from lifes difficulties then she will find it harder to work through. But at the same time, true love covers a multitude of sins, it suffers long, it always forgives, it never fails. This is not just a challenge for you but also for her. This maybe what makes you both stronger and closer. One thing I have learnt is that we all full short, we all have our problems, we have to have grace for each other. I believe you have done and are doing the right thing, you have come humbled and broken to your wife, she needs her time but she also needs to respond with love, she would want the same from you because she also has her own faults. You sound to me to be a loving husband, what more can she ask for.

[Miss Misery]

It might be an assumption but it is a highly logical one. There would be few other ranges of emotions for her to feel if the OP's description of her reaction is true. And being its an extremely common reaction expressed on here by many GGs its not to much of an assumption.

I'm not trying to downplay the significance of having GG's comment here at all BUT, and I guess I'm making some assumptions here as well, most of them are making a go of it with their CDer. It seems less likely that many GG's that totally reject a CDer would be commenting on here. Maybe a couple but it seems like it could be a biased sampling (not intentionally biased). Perhaps those GG's can't stand the idea of a man inwomen's clothing. Heck, Giorgi's spouse threw up! That doesn't sound like a physical reaction to a liar but what she probably perceives as a disgusting perversion.

I meant that Giorgi needs to give his wife more time than simply a month to come to grips with things

.

I agree.

I believe that's a bigger assumption than I was making!

See above comment on vomit! Indicates to me more than a problem w/ deceit.

Does that play a factor that he's a CDer? Of course. But is the lies and deceit a "red herring"? You'll be hard pressed to find a GG on this site who has gone through something similar who would agree with that. Many GGs on here express how they might have had a much easier time accepting the CDing had they not felt they had been lied to for so long.

So they can't even admit that it would be easier if there was no lying? That's one reason I think it's bigger than deceit alone (I know you did admit that).

Actually, I think it would elicit the same response, but here's why... claiming your working late but really going to a pub can easily be interpreted as you going there to meet up with someone for extra marital activities and CDing often implies that to a GG who doesn't know anything about CDing. Its an assumption on many GGs' part that CDing is primarily sexual.

I'm confused here. If you didn't tell your wife that you were going to watch MNF at a pub why, when you did tell her (she didn't find out) would she assume you were having an affair? Now on the CD side, I can completely understand the confusion/assumption to someone who doesn't know.

I think its incorrect to assume it would be only CDing that would elicit the reaction. It could be anything that makes a partner feel that there is something sexual going on or an implication that the marriage isn't "enough".

Like even self-gratification? (oops I guess CD is that initself) - I meant, more explicitly masturbation.

Actually, stripping can be done in private as well but that's neither here or there. And I've tried the men's clothing argument and all I ever get met with is the "I'd love it if my wife did that! I'd get to be the woman!" So I don't bother with that one anymore. I don't think comparing it to a stripper is dramatic either being most of the strippers I know don't go home with any of the customers, aren't into men most of the time and are doing it to feel attractive and/or make money.

The men's clothing argument does fit though because it demonstrates that the societal taboo against CDing only works in one direction AND that makes an SO uncomfortable/sick whatever in response to the behavior. That doesn't happen (or rarely would) in the case of a woman wearing mens clothes in secret because the taboo isn't there so we're not so shocked. Stripping could go either way as well - what if he was a stripper or drag performer or whatever? Not the same as a CD.

And even being here on forums is sharing CDing with people outside the marriage. Being its not uncommon for many CDers now a days to be on forums like this, its not a stretch of the imagination to make such a statement. Especially since the OP stated he was giving it up to his wife and yet is on here sharing the experience (this is in no way saying he shouldn't, just making an example).

So, where does one go with this issue for moral support? Not to his SO - she's not ready to talk about it. Isolation is a good way to end up with a suicide. I think sharing/asking on here IS therapeutic (or can be). If posting on here is considered some sort of deviant behavior then I think I need to get off. Also, look at how many people (members and guests) are on here - incredible. This no porn site/peep show. People are trying to get stuff figured out. I'm sure Giorgi needed to "vent" or open up to someone. Why not here - I thought this was THE SAFE PLACE.

Don't get worn out! These debates are great for other's to learn from! I think its thought provoking answers that make the best threads. But I digress a bit...

I agree that these discussions/debates are good and thank you for being so candid. Make sure to know that I am not berating your arguments - just challenging them with my "correct" ones I'm worn out cause I type with sausage fingers and a meatloaf brain!


In posting on this thread (and listening) I think I've grown some in my understanding. Thanks demonicdaughter.

[Pythos]

Something we are all missing here.

To the OP.

STOP TREATING IT LIKE SOME G.D. DISEASE!!!

Stop acting like what you are doing is wrong. Hiding it as long as you did was very wrong, but there is nothing to be done about that.

But, and I mean this, don't go to counseling to reinforce quitting.

YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.

As far as your wife is concerned, you acting like what you are doing is wrong just reinforces HER not liking it. It justifies an irrational reaction (and wanting to cut off your marriage just because of this is highly irrational.)

You have dumped a tremendous load onto her and it is going to take a long time for her to come to grips, if she can.

Now, and I may take some flack for this, but this is how I see this, especially in this day and age.

If she is unable to come to grips with what you do, then it is no longer YOUR FAULT, it is a short coming of her own.

How strong was your relationship before you did this, were there any other issues that were between you two?

But for the love of Pete stop behaving like what you are doing is something that must be corrected, that only weakens and already weak position.

BOTH OF YOU get to counseling, with someone that has dealt with this situation before. Don't go to any faith based stuff either, unless they are a more modern place that acknowledges people were created in many moulds.

[Tanya83]

I recently heard something that has kinda stuck with me.
"Sometimes when you tell the truth, everything else is a lie"

My marriage dissolved because of the escalation of the dressing (Among other things)

I don't think you can give it up and she knows this. That's what makes it so hard for her.

I've purged more times than I can remember and it only enhanced the desire. There wasn't a womens clothing catalog in the house that I didn't know exactly what was on every page and what I wish I could have.

Now here I am. Single and really buying too much clothes and shoes and things. And you know what, I'm loving every minute.

I couldn't give it up. Don't think anything could change that. Unless it became adverse to my health or something.

You guys need to compromise. Not saying that will happen. It didn't for me. Just try is all you can do.

[MsJanessa]

I've got to agree with Pythos----stop treating it like a disease and like it is evil---it is not and while it might have been a bad thing not to disclose it to your wife early in your relationship with her, what's done is done and you cannot undo it. As for "giving up" crossdressing, if I had a dollar for every cross dresser who said they were giving it up, only to start again later, I would be a very rich Lady---I agree that therapy is a good idea---not to help you stop it but to help you accept it and accept yourself--it may be that your wife will never accept your cding and that this means the end of the marraige---for your sake if that is the case, then I hope you can end it with a minumum of pain--but it seems from the tone of your posts that you will make yourself miserable to make your wife happy---what is really happening is that you both seem to be miserable. There is only one person that you can "make" happy and that person is you. Good luck