Busted or Paranoid ?

[Nikki A.]

First off, some background. Widowed three years, boy 20, daughter 18. Wife knew, didn't approve, but did tolerate it in that it always was a destresser for me. If I dressed it was when the kids were in school and always at home. Exception was for Halloween.
Since her death, I have been out and do have a stash of my clothes mixed with my wife's since they are mostly about the same size. The excuse I have given the kids is that some of my wifes stuff that I haven't donated out fits my Daughter also. Of course she has picked off some of my purchases also.
A few weeks ago we gave blood and afterwards she wanted a pedi and offered to pay for mine also. I'm wondering if she has an idea. I think she knows, but for some reason they are the hardest ones to tell. I know they're real good kids.
Now the question is. By September they will both be off to college out of state. Do I bother coming clean or just let it stay unspoken.

[Teresa Ann]

Hi Nikki, Sept will be here real soon I don't see any reason to tell at this time maybe latter when they are back home for vacation or the holidays you might break the ice but not now. Enjoy you freedom in a few weeks.

[AllieSF]

It is hard to put all the details of long term family relations in writing on a forum like this. For me, from what you have said here it seems like you could just stay quiet for now, let the kids go off to school while you experiment with this side of you. If your daughter does suspect something, let her bring it up and then handle it as best you can knowing what you know about her and her view of life. If she doesn't let it ride awhile longer. You will know when you are ready, because you won't want to keep the secret any more and will probably want to get caught so that the hiding part is all over. However, you also have a son, neighbors, relatives of your own and wife's, friends and co-workers to deal with, maybe. I would treat them as "on a need to know basis" going slow, maybe eventually starting with your daughter and then move on to your son. After that, time will tell.

[BobbiU]

I would agree, not to bring it up now, unless it comes up. If you were to bring it up now, and for some reason they're not comfortable with it, then they're heading off to college possibly with additional stress in their lives. Sounds like your daughter might already know, or have suspicions, and if it comes up, then discuss at that time.

[sissystephanie]

I am also a widower, have been for a little over 5 years now. Also have two children, who are both in their early 50's. Yes, I am much older than you!

My wife did know about my CD activities before we married (I told her!) and supported me for the almost 50 years we had together. We decided very early not to tell our children, and I only told them last year. Neither one of them seemed to be shocked, all they both said was please don't wear skirts or dresses around us. And I don't!

Your daughter probably does have an idea already, not sure abot your son. I would be inclined to wait out the school year, as others have stated, and then see what happens. As long as your kids know you love them, no matter what kind of clothes you are wearing, that is really what they want. Remember, you are all they have now, just like my two!! My daughter tells me all the time that I have to live to be 100, so I can be the oldest in the family!! I have 22 years to go!!

[gwen cd]

when they are ready they will tell you.
dont give in yet, play it out a bit and see what happens.
sounds like your daughter suspects something.
might try test the water with asking her go with you for a pedi as you enjoyed it last time.
see her reaction!

[Edwina]

I may be guessing here but mothers and daughters tend to shop together and failing that, talk about their purchases. So my guess is that she knows



Edwina

[eluuzion]

I divorced when my daughter was 2 yrs old. I had her every week-end, every week. As a parent, I am a role model and my "job" is to provide the most nurturing and supportive environment possible. This includes doing my best to spare her any unnecessary emotional drama by subjecting her to areas of my personal life that may have a negative impact (socially) on hers.

Life is tough enough for kids. They come first, no exceptions. She will be 18 soon, and I am lucky to have a well-adjusted kid.

No, I would not share it now. I did alot of drugs in high school and college too, but I do not share it...no logical reason at present to make it an issue.

Just my perspective...

[Kate Simmons]

It's difficult to fully conceal something as up close and personal to us as CDing from the family Nikki.Out of respect for you, they may feel it to be a "Don't ask, don't tell" situation. As others have said, I wouldn't be in any hurry to spill the beans. It will come out when it's time.

[crossdrezzer1]

you think she knows because she offered you a pedi?? NOOOOO ,,, in case you didnt know men have feet also and pedi mani's are unisex,,, guys get them done also ,,, if she offered to pay for a hot dog for you would you think she thinks your gay? no you wouldnt so why would you think this,,, she wanted company with her dad while she took care of her feet and hands and got pampered,,,thats all,,i get them all the time and love to get pampered,,I just dont let men work on me,,makes me feel weird...

[Shari]

It's best to just leave it alone Nikki.

There's been enough trauma to try to heal from.
You've lost a wife and they'e lost a mother.

As others have written here, let your children be the ones to ask, if they know at all.

[DonnaT]

Before she heads off to school, ask her if she has anything she'd like to talk about. Emphasize anything. If she doesn't bring it up, then let it go.

[Nikki A.]

Thanks for the advice, I guess I'll hold off a little longer for now. My daughter and I will be traveling down to New Orleans to get her set up so we will have a some free time.
As far as mom/daughter relationships it was rocky the last few years so I don't think they did that much talking. I've been open with them except for this issue, and she's been with me when I needed jeans or shorts and due to fit issues we've decided that women's jeans fit better, like she said jeans are jeans unless they're embroidered or some thing. No one big thing but lots of little things and I don't want them to feel like I'm not being truthful with them. Kinda like not telling the wife , but not really the same.
As far as my son, they are real close, so if she suspects he'd know what she's thinking. He's the more mellow easygoing child and I don't think h'd have a problem either. I'm not planning on transitioning or going 24/7 anything like that, but I do feel the need to express this side of me on occasion. All of my family lives in another state or countries so that is not even an option.

[Rachel Morley]

Do I bother coming clean or just let it stay unspoken.

You don't know for sure what her reaction is going to be. She's going to have a lot to think about if she's about to go off to college. If she take it badly, you don't want to burden her with another worry. I would say nothing at this particular moment in time, and if you do want to tell her, let her settle in at college first, then come clean.

[sometimes_miss]

She has enough to deal with. Sure, you want to be able to 'come clean', and be accepted. But consider the opposite possibilities...disaster. Leave well enough alone. If she wants to come forward and discuss it with you, let her do that. Don't push it.