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Thread: Dressing in Private Question - boundaries

  1. #1
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    Dressing in Private Question - boundaries

    Here is a little background. I first started dressing in private when I was 21 years old and purged all my clothes several times. I was a beginner at dressing and never made it up to a wig or makeup. I am now 29, married with 1 child, and have finally accepted that I am a cd and have the desire to dress no matter how hard I try not to. I first told my wife this about 2 years ago and although she does not approve she partially accepted. Partially meaning she has no problem with me wearing panties or bras in private but she never wants to know or see. I have hinted that I want to wear a wig, makeup, etc. and she is disapproving. Which is odd because we have shopped together a few times for bras, panties, and heels even though she does not want to see me in them.

    Anyway, I cannot fight the urge to want to dress in full with a wig and makeup while in private. The problem is I have no private time. Is it wrong of me to want to go to a hotel to be able to express myself in private every now and then? What about finding someone else like me (friendship only of course) where I can dress with them and be myself every now and then. If I could get an empty house to dress I would but that happens maybe once every six months since we both have hectic schedules, especially with a kid. I just didn't know how many people are in my situation and if this is something they view as acceptable in a relationship.

    Thanks for any help/comments

  2. #2
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by juliecdfl View Post

    Is it wrong of me to want to go to a hotel to be able to express myself in private every now and then?
    I think you will find that your spouse will look at this as "cheating" because you want o be away from her to do something she really does not understand
    What about finding someone else like me (friendship only of course) where I can dress with them and be myself every now and then.
    See above only now she will also suspect your sexuality

    You have an in here. She is willing to accept some of what you do and she does this because right now she feels secure about that little bit. By pushing and prodding for more will only meet with resistance. You are a new parent and things are hectic. Maybe if you just back out a bit, you are stressed and so is she, and just work slowly to what you wish. She has not totally accepted the underdressing yet...a wig may just push her over the edge then you will lose what little you have. When she feels comfortable with you wearing panties (you can at least justify that by saying they are more comfortable than men's underwear) then you can maybe work towards a little light make-up (metrosexual) and go from there.
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  3. #3
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Slipping out to a hotel without your wife knowing about it is bound to be bad news. Even if she does know about it, there would be a tendency to think that maybe you are going for sex. Likewise, meeting with someone else at their home would probably be suspected of being sexual. You would be better off (in that respect) going to an official organized support meeting if you can find one near-by.

    Note that if you are negotiated for some self-time, that your wife would have good grounds to expect some self-time for herself. That may involve hiring a baby-sitter or the like.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I'd definately exercise some patience and try to give your wife infinite amounts of reassurance. The hotel or dress up friend ideas are bad news - don't go there. Instead, keep shopping with her, under dress whenever you can, and try to cultivate her confidence in you. Remember, actions speak lowder than words.

  5. #5
    Silver Member kellycan27's Avatar
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    She accepted you in small doses and now you want to up the ante.. be careful, and as suggested, take it slow. lots of others have found out that sometimes being given an inch and taking a foot.. turns out to be asking for enough rope.... to hang themselves...


    Kel
    "one day I'll fly away..... leave all this to yesterday"

    http://youtu.be/kR7NlgwVHHg

  6. #6
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    Thank you everyone for all of the comments thus far. I am going to take everyones advice and go slow and not push anything right now. I was thinking that would be the right thing to do and just needed some reassurance.

  7. #7
    Silver Member AKAMichelle's Avatar
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    i have to agree with Lorileah here. Cross the line and problems that you never dreamed of will surface.
    Michelle

  8. #8
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    You're NOT going to like my answer, Julie!

    However, after being both married and divorced, I think NOT telling your wife what you're up to will soon make her your EX!

    Your dressing is a SERIOUS ISSUE! Along with all the others u may have, u MUST come to an amicable agreement with your wife about your dressing. If u try to give it up, sneak around on the side, or, she proves INFLEXIBLE on this, u mite consider separating NOW! Because it won't work for EITHER of u in the long run! Sorry, Julie!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    However, after being both married and divorced, I think NOT telling your wife what you're up to will soon make her your EX!

    Your dressing is a SERIOUS ISSUE! Along with all the others u may have, u MUST come to an amicable agreement with your wife about your dressing. If u try to give it up, sneak around on the side, or, she proves INFLEXIBLE on this, u mite consider separating NOW! Because it won't work for EITHER of u in the long run! Sorry, Julie!
    Your right that my dressing is a serious issue. It is a part of me that won't go away. I do think in time my wife will come to accept it but I think everyone is right that I have to go slow and tread very lightly, especially with the stress of a young child in the house.

    When I told my wife I did so before we decided to start a family and I told her I understood if she wanted to walk. Luckily for me it has not affected the marriage at all. Based on that, I do believe she will become more accepting as time goes by. I don't know if it will ever get to the point of being able to dress in front of her but I do believe alot of my issues right now are due to the time constraints that parents face. I look forward to comments if people agree or disagree with my assumption.

  10. #10
    Biker Babe Phoebe Reece's Avatar
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    Julie,

    I would suggest that you try to find a crossdressing support group near you. Most Tri-Ess chapters have meetings in places where there are rooms to change into and out of your femme outfits. This works well for many who are unable to dress at home for whatever the reason may be. You can also find help with wigs, makeup, and dealing with an only partially accepting wife. I know personally a number of people who have gone through exactly the same scenario you have. If you send me an e-mail or PM I can give you some info on where to contact a chapter.

    Phoebe
    Phoebe

  11. #11
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    Hi
    I think a lot of the advice you received was excellent. I told my wife after 10 yrs of marriage. That was over 27 yrs ago. To this day she has never seen me dressed. But she does let me hang some of my clothes, and I have a lot, in our closet. She also lets me get out about 1 or 2x a month. My wife has talked to other wives of crossdressers and wants no part of my femme side. Its not perfect , but it works.

    Yours Terri

  12. #12
    Member DianeDeBris's Avatar
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    Treasure what you have

    H Julie - I endorse what so many others, especially Lorileah, have said - you have so much to lose and so very much to gain by going slowly - please do put your focus on your baby and your wife for now, and let things develop in due course - this is a difficult time for every new parent, and allowing CD issues to interrupt at this particular time will serve you poorly for life - please allow me to encourage you to put your family first, at least for now, and then blend the CD aspects of your life after that - you will be happy, even proud, forever if you put your child and your wife first, and will likely regret it forever if you let them down at this crucial juncture - I wish you the best! Hugs - Diane

  13. #13
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    Julie, I completely understand what you're thinking and what you need.
    Been there, done that.
    Never acted on it.

    Do either of those things without her knowledge or permission and the next question you must ask of yourself is this.

    What means more to me, my wife and child or my female side?

    It would be akin to having an affair, if only with yourself.
    She won't understand.
    Don't go there.

  14. #14
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I really believe that given the investment of your time, patience, honest communication, and most of all, dedication demostrated by your actions, that you help your wife learn to be more accepting. Will she want to see you or go shopping with you while en femme....maybe not, but if she sees she still has you, that her life is secure and her family safe, its possible that the apprehensions will fade.

    Best of luck!

  15. #15
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shari View Post
    Julie, I completely understand what you're thinking and what you need.
    Been there, done that.
    Never acted on it.

    Do either of those things without her knowledge or permission and the next question you must ask of yourself is this.

    What means more to me, my wife and child or my female side?

    It would be akin to having an affair, if only with yourself.
    She won't understand.
    Don't go there.
    While Shari may be right, at this point you need you ask, how do you handle not dressing, I couldn't do it without great amounts of depression, Anger and deep seated resentment, and as much as I love my wife, I believe had I tried to repress it, I probably would have committed suicide by now. It's not a matter of what you love most, your female side or your family, it's a matter of what you need to get you thought life with you head on straight. I hope you can find what you both need, but you can't give up who you are with out paying a price.
    Tina B.

  16. #16
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    You said that she accepts but doesn't want to know or see you cd-ing. If you occasionally go to a hotel for some private dressup sessions, alone, to fulfill your cd-ing needs, what's wrong with that? She said she doesn't want to know or see. As long as you keep it under control: not spending money beyond what you can afford on hotel rooms and cd-ing stuff, not jeopardizing your work situation by slipping away from work, and not expanding your cd-ing activities beyond private time (going to a hotel room with other cd's could be troublesome in appearance, even if completely innocent). I do think there's some risk in doing this and getting caught and her assuming that you're doing something besides dressing up. Might work for a while but bound to go bad eventually.

    The solution to just keep under-dressing isn't a good one. Julie already said that she has a strong desire to dress completely, including wig and makeup. I certainly understand this. I don't even under-dress. I want the full-blown transformation: wig, makeup, dress, hose, heels, jewelry, nails, etc. Even if it means dressing up less often but better fulfillment when I do.

    It's unfair to ask which means more to you, your family or your female side. Which is more important, food or sleep? You can't totally give up one for the other. Julie is looking for a solution, a way to have both, and not having to choose. An old and wise saying: never give someone a choice you don't want them to take. Tell your boss to give you a raise or you'll walk, and you may hear "don't let the door hit you ............." you know the rest. In this case, the wife has not not issued an ultimatum, but has expressed her feelings about her husband's cd-ing, and has set some boundaries: ok to under-dress, not OK to dress up in her presence or with her knowledge.
    This sounds like her endorsement of Don't Ask Don't Tell, but may not be.

    The total honesty-with-her, be-patient-and-give-her-some-time advice is the safest for the marriage, but at the great cost of not fulfilling dressup desires. So what to do? If slipping away is too risky to the marriage and supression of dressup desires has its consequences, Julie will have to take advantage of every dressup opportunity, keep the dialogue going, prove to trustworthy in everything, and hope that something gives sometime. Maybe at some point you can negotiate a solution: OK to do in private whatever it is that satisfies your needs, not OK to dress up in front of her (is that important to you, Julie?), not OK to dress up with other cd's (is that important to you, Julie?), or some other compromise. I hope you find one.

  17. #17
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
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    I agree with the idea of finding a support group near you.

    As for dressing in a hotel, with things being so hectic at home, probably not a good idea to go out and try and enjoy a dress up session while your wife is at home dealing with the baby. Maybe when things are less hectic? And you can afford it.

    In either case, make sure it is with your wife's approval.

    Trouble with going to a hotel is it can get old hat rather quickly, leading to a need to step out of the room or more.
    DonnaT

  18. #18
    To be, or not to be... ? Gaby2's Avatar
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    Hi Julie, I've spent thirty years (ongoing) in the closet, putting society, career, wife, children, house and home first. I've fared well despite always wondering why cding attracts me.
    That's always the first problem - not knowing, and the forum is a tremendous pool of resources.
    Take the sound advice given, especially about professional help - these people here know. It's comforting (and almost amusing) how replies sometimes contradict each other - but that's only allowing you to choose your own way.
    A mentor of mine once said - success depends 25% on what you know, 25% on who you know, and 50%... luck.
    Good luck! gaby

  19. #19
    Member Olivia2's Avatar
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    While there are certainly more complications to this than just having some private time, maybe the first step is to see if both of you can agree to allow each other an afternoon or evening off from the time, effort, and stress involved with raising a young child. I would think many couples make agreements where each has one night a month to hang out with girl or guy friends, while the other keeps the fort and child, to give each other a break. If you both can set something up where you each of this self-time, maybe then you can define for you what you do during your self-time. Good luck. Based on the tone of your posts, I'm confident, you both will be able to work this out no matter how pieces finally fall into place.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Presh GG's Avatar
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    Hello,
    Have you at least invited your wife here to talk with other GGs and get a better understanding of CDing?

    I like the idea of joining a club, many welcome your spouse and there will be other GGs there and a place to dress away from the presures of home and child... while she wraps her mind around the importance of it.[ for you]

    Just Please watch yourself and check any anger issues you may have. Remember it's not her fault she doesn't get it. You need to help her understand.

    Best wishes,
    Presh GG

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Presh GG View Post
    Hello,
    Have you at least invited your wife here to talk with other GGs and get a better understanding of CDing?

    I like the idea of joining a club, many welcome your spouse and there will be other GGs there and a place to dress away from the presures of home and child... while she wraps her mind around the importance of it.[ for you]

    Just Please watch yourself and check any anger issues you may have. Remember it's not her fault she doesn't get it. You need to help her understand.

    Best wishes,
    Presh GG

    I have invited my wife to post on here and have even saved other articles about dressing for her to read. Unfortunately, she wants nothing to do with it. I am not sure if this helps her with partially accepting it or what the reasoning is. Even though I think she may one day be accepting, a part of me thinks she is avoiding this part of me in fear of viewing me as a girl. A part of me also believes she may view this as a sexual "kink" that will pass...even though it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with an inner part of me. Its tough...and confusing...and stressfull. Especially since I just started accepting myself who I am. The common theme I keep hearing in this thread though is time and patience, which is what I will continue trying.

  22. #22
    Member carrie-ann's Avatar
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    Look your family comes first. You were on the closet its not her fault. Look you need to take what she is willing to live with right now. It may get better it might not. So don't blame her.

  23. #23
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    I don't mean to sound negative but, time and patience, does not always work. we have plenty of example's of members here that after many years their wife has not budged an inch. So you need to figure out a way to deal with what is while hoping to effect an out come more to your liking. The best of luck with how ever it works out.
    Tina B.

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