Dressing in Private Question - boundaries

[juliecdfl]

Here is a little background. I first started dressing in private when I was 21 years old and purged all my clothes several times. I was a beginner at dressing and never made it up to a wig or makeup. I am now 29, married with 1 child, and have finally accepted that I am a cd and have the desire to dress no matter how hard I try not to. I first told my wife this about 2 years ago and although she does not approve she partially accepted. Partially meaning she has no problem with me wearing panties or bras in private but she never wants to know or see. I have hinted that I want to wear a wig, makeup, etc. and she is disapproving. Which is odd because we have shopped together a few times for bras, panties, and heels even though she does not want to see me in them.

Anyway, I cannot fight the urge to want to dress in full with a wig and makeup while in private. The problem is I have no private time. Is it wrong of me to want to go to a hotel to be able to express myself in private every now and then? What about finding someone else like me (friendship only of course) where I can dress with them and be myself every now and then. If I could get an empty house to dress I would but that happens maybe once every six months since we both have hectic schedules, especially with a kid. I just didn't know how many people are in my situation and if this is something they view as acceptable in a relationship.

Thanks for any help/comments

[Lorileah]

Is it wrong of me to want to go to a hotel to be able to express myself in private every now and then?

I think you will find that your spouse will look at this as "cheating" because you want o be away from her to do something she really does not understand

What about finding someone else like me (friendship only of course) where I can dress with them and be myself every now and then.

See above only now she will also suspect your sexuality

You have an in here. She is willing to accept some of what you do and she does this because right now she feels secure about that little bit. By pushing and prodding for more will only meet with resistance. You are a new parent and things are hectic. Maybe if you just back out a bit, you are stressed and so is she, and just work slowly to what you wish. She has not totally accepted the underdressing yet...a wig may just push her over the edge then you will lose what little you have. When she feels comfortable with you wearing panties (you can at least justify that by saying they are more comfortable than men's underwear) then you can maybe work towards a little light make-up (metrosexual) and go from there.

[sandra-leigh]

Slipping out to a hotel without your wife knowing about it is bound to be bad news. Even if she does know about it, there would be a tendency to think that maybe you are going for sex. Likewise, meeting with someone else at their home would probably be suspected of being sexual. You would be better off (in that respect) going to an official organized support meeting if you can find one near-by.

Note that if you are negotiated for some self-time, that your wife would have good grounds to expect some self-time for herself. That may involve hiring a baby-sitter or the like.

[kimdl93]

I'd definately exercise some patience and try to give your wife infinite amounts of reassurance. The hotel or dress up friend ideas are bad news - don't go there. Instead, keep shopping with her, under dress whenever you can, and try to cultivate her confidence in you. Remember, actions speak lowder than words.

[kellycan27]

She accepted you in small doses and now you want to up the ante.. be careful, and as suggested, take it slow. lots of others have found out that sometimes being given an inch and taking a foot.. turns out to be asking for enough rope.... to hang themselves...


Kel

[juliecdfl]

Thank you everyone for all of the comments thus far. I am going to take everyones advice and go slow and not push anything right now. I was thinking that would be the right thing to do and just needed some reassurance.

[AKAMichelle]

i have to agree with Lorileah here. Cross the line and problems that you never dreamed of will surface.

[docrobbysherry]

However, after being both married and divorced, I think NOT telling your wife what you're up to will soon make her your EX!

Your dressing is a SERIOUS ISSUE! Along with all the others u may have, u MUST come to an amicable agreement with your wife about your dressing. If u try to give it up, sneak around on the side, or, she proves INFLEXIBLE on this, u mite consider separating NOW! Because it won't work for EITHER of u in the long run! Sorry, Julie!

[juliecdfl]

However, after being both married and divorced, I think NOT telling your wife what you're up to will soon make her your EX!

Your dressing is a SERIOUS ISSUE! Along with all the others u may have, u MUST come to an amicable agreement with your wife about your dressing. If u try to give it up, sneak around on the side, or, she proves INFLEXIBLE on this, u mite consider separating NOW! Because it won't work for EITHER of u in the long run! Sorry, Julie!

Your right that my dressing is a serious issue. It is a part of me that won't go away. I do think in time my wife will come to accept it but I think everyone is right that I have to go slow and tread very lightly, especially with the stress of a young child in the house.

When I told my wife I did so before we decided to start a family and I told her I understood if she wanted to walk. Luckily for me it has not affected the marriage at all. Based on that, I do believe she will become more accepting as time goes by. I don't know if it will ever get to the point of being able to dress in front of her but I do believe alot of my issues right now are due to the time constraints that parents face. I look forward to comments if people agree or disagree with my assumption.

[Phoebe Reece]

Julie,

I would suggest that you try to find a crossdressing support group near you. Most Tri-Ess chapters have meetings in places where there are rooms to change into and out of your femme outfits. This works well for many who are unable to dress at home for whatever the reason may be. You can also find help with wigs, makeup, and dealing with an only partially accepting wife. I know personally a number of people who have gone through exactly the same scenario you have. If you send me an e-mail or PM I can give you some info on where to contact a chapter.

Phoebe

[TerriM]

Hi
I think a lot of the advice you received was excellent. I told my wife after 10 yrs of marriage. That was over 27 yrs ago. To this day she has never seen me dressed. But she does let me hang some of my clothes, and I have a lot, in our closet. She also lets me get out about 1 or 2x a month. My wife has talked to other wives of crossdressers and wants no part of my femme side. Its not perfect , but it works.

Yours Terri

[Gaby2]

Hi Julie, I've spent thirty years (ongoing) in the closet, putting society, career, wife, children, house and home first. I've fared well despite always wondering why cding attracts me.
That's always the first problem - not knowing, and the forum is a tremendous pool of resources.
Take the sound advice given, especially about professional help - these people here know. It's comforting (and almost amusing) how replies sometimes contradict each other - but that's only allowing you to choose your own way.
A mentor of mine once said - success depends 25% on what you know, 25% on who you know, and 50%... luck.
Good luck! gaby

[Olivia2]

While there are certainly more complications to this than just having some private time, maybe the first step is to see if both of you can agree to allow each other an afternoon or evening off from the time, effort, and stress involved with raising a young child. I would think many couples make agreements where each has one night a month to hang out with girl or guy friends, while the other keeps the fort and child, to give each other a break. If you both can set something up where you each of this self-time, maybe then you can define for you what you do during your self-time. Good luck. Based on the tone of your posts, I'm confident, you both will be able to work this out no matter how pieces finally fall into place.

[Presh GG]

Hello,
Have you at least invited your wife here to talk with other GGs and get a better understanding of CDing?

I like the idea of joining a club, many welcome your spouse and there will be other GGs there and a place to dress away from the presures of home and child... while she wraps her mind around the importance of it.[ for you]

Just Please watch yourself and check any anger issues you may have. Remember it's not her fault she doesn't get it. You need to help her understand.

Best wishes,
Presh GG

[juliecdfl]

Hello,
Have you at least invited your wife here to talk with other GGs and get a better understanding of CDing?

I like the idea of joining a club, many welcome your spouse and there will be other GGs there and a place to dress away from the presures of home and child... while she wraps her mind around the importance of it.[ for you]

Just Please watch yourself and check any anger issues you may have. Remember it's not her fault she doesn't get it. You need to help her understand.

Best wishes,
Presh GG

I have invited my wife to post on here and have even saved other articles about dressing for her to read. Unfortunately, she wants nothing to do with it. I am not sure if this helps her with partially accepting it or what the reasoning is. Even though I think she may one day be accepting, a part of me thinks she is avoiding this part of me in fear of viewing me as a girl. A part of me also believes she may view this as a sexual "kink" that will pass...even though it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with an inner part of me. Its tough...and confusing...and stressfull. Especially since I just started accepting myself who I am. The common theme I keep hearing in this thread though is time and patience, which is what I will continue trying.

[carrie-ann]

Look your family comes first. You were on the closet its not her fault. Look you need to take what she is willing to live with right now. It may get better it might not. So don't blame her.

[Tina B.]

I don't mean to sound negative but, time and patience, does not always work. we have plenty of example's of members here that after many years their wife has not budged an inch. So you need to figure out a way to deal with what is while hoping to effect an out come more to your liking. The best of luck with how ever it works out.
Tina B.