I can't get off this rollercoaster and it's making me feel nauseaous

[LitaKelley]

I'm sick of the going back and forth from my wife.. one day she's outwardly all fine and accepting of it, even so far as helping with putting on makeup,etc, even kissing me while I'm crossdressed, but then another day she's hostile, angry and verbally abusive expressing her dislike of my crossdressing, making me feel ashamed and guilty for exploring and participating in this side of me that was buried away all these years.. and well, it appears she's not 100% accepting and now I'm rather confused, because I don't know how she really feels, cause when she expresses her dislike, it's when she is drunk, but even before this crossdressing, it was always something else she would verbally abuse me for, and well, I told her "stop drinking all the time and I'll stop crossdressing", but deep down.. I don't want to stop, and she even commented that "No you won't.. you can't and you're gonna get worse" and so badly I want to scream "WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ME", which feels strange, because just a couple weeks ago I didn't even know I had this side of myself, and here my wife is asking me "why do you want to be a woman so bad" and it's rather hard for me to explain cause I really don't even know the answer.. and I say to her "this is who I am" and she says "No it is not", so, who the hell am I then, what am I supposed to do... am I supposed to just go back to being the somewhat miserable person I thought I was before and pretend I'm f---ing happy..

Yeah, I crossdressed, but when I did, I loved it.. I loved how I felt.. it felt right and it felt good, so I did it more and more and kept finding these pieces of myself like I was a puzzle, and finally I was beginning to see a picture, and I saw her in the mirror and she is beautiful and I love her...but now my wife wants to mess it all up and put the pieces away and I feel like I want to f---ing puke.

I'm just so damn confused and sometimes I even want to cry, cause I want to know who I really am and I don't know the answer.. Ok.. now I'm crying.. Sorry for the long run on rant.

[Lucy_Bella]

Lita, I understand your pain,,..
Maybe first your wife might wanna slow down on her drinking or look into why she is drinking . That may be half the problem.
My wife was the same way except she didn't allow dressing at all! But when she drank she let me have it and did not hold a thing back..The next day she would accuse the drinking on her emotions towards my dressing.. I knew it wasn't just the dressing she had other issues that I still can't totally grasp.

Good luck and I hope all works out for you.

[LitaKelley]

.....
Maybe first your wife might wanna slow down on her drinking or look into why she is drinking . That may be half the problem.

Actually, it's more than just half the problem, because for her, EVERYTHING is a reason to drink and I HATE the things she says when drunk.. HATE IT, HATE IT and now that I've been a crossdresser these past couple weeks, I'm hating even more of the crap that comes out of her mouth.

[Lucy_Bella]

So'snunds like the stress of the marriage ( drinking ) my have encouraged you to live out the desire to dress.. But as an ex heavy drinker mostly from denying the fact I xdress and drowned it in a bottle didn't help with the marriage at all.. It only added to it. I know its not easy but some say you usally get the truth from someone out of the bottle.

By the way I am not a Dr. just going off of my past ..

[Danni Bear]

Litakelly,

I can't tell you that it will get better.

Everyone has seen this happen over and over again. Usually it is the male of the marriage that verbally abuses the wife but the opposite also occurs. The victim of these assults feel that they are the cause of them . Nothing could be further from the truth. Try and try again to get her some help to understand her problems.

Protect yourself, alcahol can and does cause people to do strange things. I know it's a hard step to consider but leaving might be for the best.

Be careful and good luck in what ever you do


Danni

[Jamz1b]

Communicate. tell her (in a not super emotional way) how you feel. while she is not drunk that is.

See some one who can help you both. Sounds like there is a lot going on in her life that needs a bit of help as well. But again communicate.

[LitaKelley]

another day, and again different mixed feelings..

I ask her why my crossdressing bothers her and all she can say is "cause you're getting weird, it's not normal".... So, I drop the conversation, go to my office and bag up all my women's stuff and put it in the kitchen.... a few minutes later she comes into my office with the bag and says "Knock it off" and I say "What.. what are you doing...those are going to the clothing donations bin" and she tells me to keep them.

"But, I thought you don't like this and it bothers you" I ask, and now here she is telling me "It's ok.. you don't have to stop, I'm fine as long as nobody else knows about it" and I don't know what to believe, because sometimes she says it don't bother her, and other times, while drunk she says she's disgusted by it, calls me names, insults me, makes fun of me, etc..and I hate going in circles, I just need to know if it's really ok with her or not because I don't want her to suffer from it, nor have it affect her emotionally in a negative way

[Ann Thomas]

Drinking does change people, sometimes badly. My late ex-wife had serious emotional damage done to her by her dad, who when sober was one of the sweetest people you could meet - thoughtful, caring, and gentle. Once he got liquor in him, he changed into a totally unpredictable person, sometimes accepting, sometimes rejecting things around him. Sounds like you're in the same boat with your wife.

Your wife needs help, and it can be from whatever source works for her as a treatment for alcoholics.

With all that going on around you, it's way too hard to sort out your own feelings, and you're going through a lot on your own. Don't feel bad about yourself. You are who you are.

Hugs,
Ann

[Kate Simmons]

Lita, unless you are just into CDing for the "buzz", the idea is to get in touch will all of your feelings, become comfortable with them and integrate them into your overall "self".

[AKAMichelle]

Sounds like your wife is 2 different people. One sober and one drunk. When sober she is accepting and when drunk not at all. I think the problem should be to help your wife with her drinking problem. That is a very destructive behavior and everything should be done to help her first.

Then you can begin to look in the mirror and see her again.

[Sarah_GG]

another day, and again different mixed feelings..

I ask her why my crossdressing bothers her and all she can say is "cause you're getting weird, it's not normal".... So, I drop the conversation, go to my office and bag up all my women's stuff and put it in the kitchen.... a few minutes later she comes into my office with the bag and says "Knock it off" and I say "What.. what are you doing...those are going to the clothing donations bin" and she tells me to keep them.

"But, I thought you don't like this and it bothers you" I ask, and now here she is telling me "It's ok.. you don't have to stop, I'm fine as long as nobody else knows about it" and I don't know what to believe, because sometimes she says it don't bother her, and other times, while drunk she says she's disgusted by it, calls me names, insults me, makes fun of me, etc..and I hate going in circles, I just need to know if it's really ok with her or not because I don't want her to suffer from it, nor have it affect her emotionally in a negative way

Could it be that you might be over reacting at all? When she accuses you of "getting weird" can you ask her to explain how and in what way rather than by storming off and packing up all your clothes.

Perhaps she needs to see her man from time to time or have allocated times that you dress. It sounds like she's angry but she doesn't want to be unaccepting.

Can you send her here to offload in the FAB section? Sometimes we do get angry and struggle to find the appropriate outlet for that anger. If she can talk to people about why she is angry and what it is that upsets her, you both might make some progress.

A friend of mine was drinking too much and would be verbally abusive to her husband when she'd had too much to drink. One morning he got up early and went out for the day but left her a long letter to find in the cold light of day (complete with hangover). The letter calmly explained how deeply unpleasant she was when she'd been drinking and how hurtful her words were. He said that he loved her but that he was worried about her drinking. He also said that if she needed help he would help her, but that she should really take a long hard look at herself when drunk because he didn't know if he really liked the person she was becoming anymore. It seemed to do the trick.

[Aeify]

Definately direct her to cd.com and encourage her to join the FAB forum...so sorry you are having such a bad time. Sounds like she needs some help with her drinking problem.

[Marissa]

Lita, put all the responses together and decide what your next step will be..yes, your step.. since it doesn't seem your wife will not be the one to take it.

When she is sober, ask her those questions about why she is drinking alot.. what is bothering her? or is she an alcoholic? then you can try to approach what makes her so angry about the dressing? (does she get angry about other things too???? when drinking I mean..)

As stated, most see this type of abuse coming from a man put on to a woman.. so put yourself in a woman's shoes (no humor in this, k?) .. try to help once..try to help twice.. and if that fails, then consider if it will ever get better and maybe decide to leave..

During this time, you may have to put Lita away for a bit, unless an understanding and help is received...

Even without the dressing, no one should live in that manner.. you are already feeling the emotional/verbal abuse..

I am sorry you are expericing this..and do hope it gets better..

Hugs,
Marissa

[msniki48]

Lita, as said before, ask her when she is sober about the dressing and her concerns...if you say she looks for excuses to drink, there could be a bigger problem. if your wife is alchoholic to any degree [ functioning or otherwise]
remember she will always look for excuses to drink, whether its your dressing or not taking an interest in the house, or going out with the guys, or what ever. i had 20+ yrs of that behavior before she finally admitted to herself there was a problem and we hit it head on together....it was only then that she became totally supportive of niki.

keep the lines of communication open with her, but do it when she is sober.

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to start by agreeing with Sarah. Take a big step back and try and look at the whole picture. Is it just her going back and forth on your dressing or are you also not giving her the time due to her? It does happen as we get drawn into this that we have to purposefully make sure that we take care of our family and our responsibilities.

As far as drinking, I am here to tell you that you can't control anyone with a drinking problem. What you can do is love them, let them know you are there for them, and help yourself. Yes, your cure is helping you. You are already expressing confusion over what to do, so it seems you are at that point. I recommend Al-Anon. They will help you learn to take care of yourself. That is important. You can't wave a magic wand over someone with a drinking problem, so you have to learn how you can deal with it in a healthy manner. Now Al-Anon isn't for everyone. But check it out and see if you can find a part of it that is for you.

Good Luck!

[bianca66]

I would also recommend Al-anon...They will be able to explain some things that are common among alcoholics...Mostly women attend these meetings so you may feel a little out of place in boy mode and it's going to be harder for you to explain your situation (since you are in the closet) but it might help to save your sanity.

[DonnaT]

She needs to go to AA, and if she won't, you need to go. They can help.

Note that some people can be as nice as anyone, but once they get drunk they turn mean.

AA should be able to help you deal with her being a mean drunk.

Noting that her being mean isn't limited to just your CDing, there is probably some emotional baggage from her past that causes her to verbally strike out when her inhibitions are lowered by the alcohol.

I reckon she's accepting of your CDing, but not totally accepting, thus when she's drunk, that little bit of non-acceptance is emphasized.

So take it to heart that it's not so much your CDing that's the problem.

Purging your clothes won't help, she'll just find something else to be mean about.

One thing you might try and do is take yourself away from the situation. I imagine you know the point in her drinking where she turns mean. If you can't get her to stop before reaching that point, then go for a walk, or a drive (if you've not been drinking).

Another is to remove all alcoholic beverages from the house, or lock it away.

[shaz24]

Lita...I think I understand the problem well. I think I'm right because I've seen myself as the female in situations like this as I consider myself a transsexual. You need to understand that when you live in a society you tend to develop social stereotypes such as males should be like this and females should be like this. Firstly, your wife asks you to stop cross dressing for these 2 reasons:

1. it would be difficult for anyone to accept that her partner has lied to her about this trait of him and
2. it would be difficult to highlight or even push this image of yours to her friends or other people she knows in a respectable way.

The reason why she tends to change her wishes is because she wants her partner, who is a man, to be self-confident and decisive. At first, she is drinking (because of the stress she's being put into) and asking you to stop cross dressing. She wants you to be decisive and take the decision all by yourself. Then, when you comply to her request and take all your stuff to the kitchen, she stops you. This is because she doesn't want you to get over a major personality trait of yourself just because of her worries about being without a powerful male figure to protect her. She wants you to take the decision all by yourself and change.

Whether you change or not, she wants you to be decisive and sure of yourself.

That's all.

[Chickhe]

Your wife needs help with her drinking problem. She also needs to learn to express her feelings openly and honestly to you without drinking. Challenge her to not drinking anything for 1 week and if she can't do it, then she has to seek help to stop her addiction. My parents drink and every time I have seen them over the last 15 years they always say hurtful things... relationships with a drinker never gets better, everyone denies there is a problem, but it will get worse. Do something now.

[LitaKelley]

Since this post, we've talked alot about both her drinking and my crossdressing. Ultimately, she is fine with the crossdressing and even watched a movie with me about a transgendered teen and I was wearing lingerie and stockings laying next to her

While shopping around online for a halloween costume for her, we looked at various wigs, for HER, but there were many where I said "ooh, I like that.. I'd love to wear that" and she was ok with this and commented on some styles she thought would be better for me..

She has also taught me a couple things about makeup and I've been expressing to her my interest in doing smokey eyes, so she is going to help me tonight.

She also gave me a pair of her shirts she no longer wishes to wear, telling me to try them on, then stating that I can have them.. She also gave me a bra.

Also, two of our best friends now know about my crossdressing, a M/F couple we've been friends with for close to 20yrs.. He was very accepting, which was a huge surprise to me.. She however, whom was close friends with a transgendered male in the past, could not stop laughing when she found out.. Not laughing because of the CD, but because of the person she knows, she thought of as someone whom would never do such a thing.

My wife asked to see some of the clothes I have acquired over the past couple weeks, so I showed her, and she likes some of the tops and said she'd like to share..

She isn't into skirts, nor dresses, stockings, etc and is somewhat a little tomboyish, so, knowing what I like and how I like to dress, she said I can be the fem and her the butch, LOL

I also spent some time with my wife showing her my new facebook profile, and also told her about crossdressers.com and showed her some of the various CD/TS/TG here and explained to her the variety of people, reasons, orientations, backgrounds, etc..

She seems to be really ok with it... I HOPE.

[DonnaT]

That's great, but y'all still have to deal with the alcohol problem. It's not going away and can't be swept under the rug.