So I started to write part of this as a post to a thread, and I started to go a little long and decided to let a lot of things out, that I haven't been able to talk to a lot of people about.
I can probably say that this has been the worse year of my life. And whats worse is that I turned 30 this year and finally finished my degree and it is still an awful year. (Yes, I took a bit longer than most in college, bartended for awhile, then went back......anyways).
There have been years in the past that I've had a few small episodes of depression, but never for more than a few days. My first major episode with major depression happened in spring '08. It lasted a few months. I didn't talk to my roommates, barely made it through that semester of school. It was also the first time I went more than a few months with out a job (I was in school and could afford it). It was also a little less than a year later from when I first told some one about my CDing. Now I've always CDed behind closed doors, ever since I was 4 or so. But the year prior to my depression was the first time that I had actually dressed completely. So my depression was getting bad so I went to a counselor at school, and that started to help. We started a great connection, and built a strong relationship, and I came out to a few very close friends and even my sister. The counselor really helped, I even went to a few sessions dressed which was incredible. I felt so alive being dressed in those sessions. I also started a job on campus and met a few really nice friends as a result, one of which was a girl that we hit it off with as friends as well.
So fast forward to this year at the beginning. Things are going well in school, at work, I had an incredible internship last summer, I'm living in my own apartment and dressing when I want to (or at least when I could afford the waxing and pedi!) But I still feel something is just not there. My birthday came around in early Feb. and it was really bad. I went on spring break which was the best part of this year (went to Breckenridge & Keystone skiing with a buddy and his sister) and came back and it all went to hell in a hand basket. My GG friend and I from work had an interview with the same company the day we got back from spring break. Well more people were wishing her luck with the interview than me, and she was more scared than I was as well (I'm 30 and she's 22...I had more experience, and an impressive interview, not a big deal). Well she got the second interview and I didn't and I freaked out. I was miserable, everything in my dawned on me at once. My mom having cancer and needing a bone marrow transplant, having to interview for jobs and the search was going to be extremely difficult, balancing school and work, and my friend and I more than likely going to separate places. I didn't show her how much I flipped out, or tell her everything that was going on. But she knew and everyone else knew at work how depressed I suddenly got. I also thought I had feelings for her. Which I did, but never knew how my feelings were towards her, and I think I confused. So I told a mutual friend at work about my feelings, and long story short I told my friend how I felt about her. It didn't go very well. She had just met someone in Atlanta on a weekend trip and started to go down and see him. We had a major falling out, it was really hard on me. I purged all my clothes (no I never told her about it). I started to realize that I screwed up a relationship with my best friend. Where I was always scared to tell her how much of a great friend she was. Knowing how much I screwed up and everything else in my life going on I tried to OD on pills. It didn't work. The rest of the semester I was extremely depressed. I pulled everything out grades wise, and I even went to graduation, which I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see her.
After graduation I went on a couple of interviews, and finally got a job in Nashville. It appeared to be a position that I really wanted as well. Things were looking up, and I started to pull myself out of depression. I took some graduation money and bought some new clothes. And when I dressed it didn't feel like it used to, something wasn't there. So I locked everything up put it away and gave it to a gg friend of mine. I felt like I didn't need it any more. I was running and getting back into shape, swimming, and feeling good about myself. Going on dates, forgetting about all the bad things with the girl. Feeling pretty optimistic about the future and my new job I was going to start. Went to Bonnaroo and a great time, came back to Knoxville to pack everything up and move to Nashville, and got a phone call from a company in Knoxville. I really wanted to be with this company, so I interviewed a week before I was supposed to start in Nashville, thinking that if somehow I got it, I'd take it over the Nashville job even if I had already started. (I look at it as if a company will lay off an employee of 20 years, and they are only in it for themselves, then I need to be in it for myself too). So I move to Nashville and wind up not getting in with the Knoxville company. It made me depressed, and I started to hate the job in Nashville. I made some really good friends there too, that I liked a lot, but hated the job and the company. They also tried to screw me over my first week on my bonus structure. So I started looking, and the job itself just got worse. I went back to Knoxville every weekend. So I quit. I started to get depressed there again. Not horribly, but depressed on the job. So even though I was having a great social life, the job was so bad that I wanted to leave. I was looking really hard for a job, and started to get a lot of interviews, so I quit. It was getting to the point the job was that bad, and there were some big interviews that I had, and I had already called in sick for one.
The need to dress started coming back again. And I broke down when I moved back to Knoxville, and dressed again and went out. I felt good about it, and It felt great to dress again. It calmed me down a lot.
I moved into my parents house here, because I thought I'd get a job quickly and move on. They were also out of town in Houston while my mom was recovering. They came back which was great to see them. But now its been a lot longer than I anticipated to get a job. (I knew it was hard to get one, but from the amount of interviews I had, I thought one would pull through) I had an interview with an incredible company last week in the Raleigh/Durham NC area which I'm waiting to here from. I feel like I didn't get the job though. I'm also broke, and sliding behind on bills now. I'm feeling pretty horrible about things in general. Everything thats happened this year is wearing on me. As I think of what I want and what will make me happy I go back into wanting to move somewhere else, of how great it was. I also want to be able to dress more. But my gender confusion is all over the place. I wish I was normal sometimes, then I wish I could embrace my gender uniqueness. I am pretty lonely as well, feeling like I have no where to go.
I have a job offer in Knoxville I could take, but it would be doing the same types of things as I was doing in Nashville, not exactly, but similar field. I really don't want to take it. But I'm broke. It's really something I don't want to do at all, which will make me more depressed. Just a crappy job, and I feel now that I won't get the job in R/D NC.
I don't know what I want. Or maybe I do know what I want, and I don't want to admit it. I know sometimes I hate the fact that I dress and have stronger feelings that are more than just dressing. These feelings stem from such an early age that they've been embedded in me. I know that I sometimes wish I could be "normal." I often think about if I didn't have these feelings that life would be less complicated.
Often people would post if you could be re-born and choose your gender which would you choose. The only reason why I would hesitate saying female is because then would I have met all my current friends? If I had to rank the perfect situation (possible or not possible) it would be this:
1. Be reborn female - not having gender issues
2. Be reborn my male self - not having gender issues
3. Take a magic pill/shot/spell right now to take these feelings and issues away
From what I know, these situations are not possible, so what am I left with? Being confused, miserable, depressed, feeling guilty and ashamed, embarrassed, self-conscious.
I can honestly say though that if some one offered me this next option (and probably the most realistic of all my situations) I would take it in a heart beat -
4. Move to San Fransisco, Fully transition, with out any financial troubles (before, during, after) and have 100% support from friends and family.
Yes, option 4 is possible, but not guaranteed or very probable. So I'm still left to what do I do. Its hard for me to go on these days.
I'm confused about my gender, I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I'm a loser. I feel like no one knows me, or really cares either.
Its Halloween, and I don't think I'm going out because I can't afford it, or even have a costume.
I wish my life would end, and I have thought about ending it.
I'm really not looking for people to tell me about how selfish it is, or how bad and morally wrong that is. Its pretty cliche. I guess does anyone else feel like I do, or have had some awful times? What keeps you going? How long did it last?
I've been thinking about about option 4 these days, a lot. I don't know if that'll make it better or not. But this isn't the first time I've thought about it. I've thought about it my whole life. Is it something that I need to start seriously considering (the transition) Why do I go on these times where I don't feel the need for it, but then its very strong in me? Is it the acceptance of myself?
Thanks for reading and any thought you may have about anything...I'd love to get some different perspectives. Young, old, single, in a relationship, will be transitioning, not ever going to transition, have already transitioned. The whole spectrum.
Thanks!
